What Constitutes True Charity from the Heart

Today my former boss brought me a bag with a box of noodles, a box of pasta, a jar of pasta sauce, and two packets of microwave popcorn. She was very proud of herself for giving to me, thinks she's been so very virtuous and good to me over and over. Then she looked me in the eye and told me I was lying about the number of hours I worked for her in setting up her new businesses and refused to pay me the $20 she owed me. Instead, she paid me absolutely nothing for the work I did for her. I initially agreed to work for $10 per hour doing a variety of things for her, so she got help starting her businesses at a bargain price. I also didn't bill her for the time consulting over the phone or answering her text messages, as any other professional would. You tell me if she was truly practicing any kind of real charity.

In the past she tried to give me a bunch of t-shirts because she decided I don't have any clothes. In truth, I have plenty of clothes. What I don't have is access to laundry. If she'd ever asked me what I needed, I could have told her that. There's a long story here about why I no longer work for her, and I won't go into it. But this evening, after that exchange, I find myself very angry, and unsure what I want to do with the food she gave me. She again took away my dignity with her words while giving me something I actually didn't need. The box of noodles sounds very interesting - with ginger sauce, and I didn't have microwave popcorn, which I like. I'm just wondering if I'll gag on any of this if I try to eat it! I am very truly upset. Meanwhile, I did Distance Reiki for her for free, listened every night for about two weeks to her drama, and gave her three of my products for free. I gave as I could from my heart in the beginning, before she became fully abusive. You could call what I did charity, but not what she's done.

It all got me to thinking about the people who give to me in my life. There are so very many of them. I am so fortunate in that! I give love and so am surrounded by loving and kind people, for the most part. I don't have much to give in goods but have given my products to those in need, and done Reiki for free or next to nothing, in person and Distance. I don't turn away anyone in true need, and I don't judge. That is charity.

Charity is not about feeling good about yourself, as my former boss uses it. However, true charity does make you feel really good, in a "giving back" way. I know what it's like so I help whenever and however I can. I'm a giver through and through so I thrive on giving. It's a constant way of life for me. It hasn't always been that way. I'm sure that woman doesn't really feel good about herself, deep down. When I was that way, I wasn't such a giver either. In fact, I held onto things, including myself. Eventually, I began to know myself, then love myself, and that's when my true self, the giver, began to fully emerge. True charity comes from a heart of love for others.

Those who give to me regularly do it in such a variety of ways. Nick Lamia takes me places regularly. Sometimes he brings me treats. Once he brought the cats some toys! That's like giving me a toy! He calls regularly, to touch base, make sure I'm ok, see if I need to go someplace, just to connect with me. We talk about such a variety of things, and he comes and visits us regularly. I can always count on Nick to be in my life, and care. Caring and showing it is the biggest thing. He listens to me. He can't help when I need to borrow money but he cares enough to listen lovingly. He loves me and I love him and we tell each other that each time we talk. I treasure him, so much that I'm crying as I write this. He's one of the treasures in my life. I learn and grow from our conversations and visits and it's mutual, reciprocal. I mentioned him first because he called me this evening just to touch base, even though I saw him three times in the last 10 days or so. He was concerned because when he saw me on Tuesday, we had no heat and the repairman was coming. Although I believe he called me more to talk than because of that - just because he does. One of the things I treasure is that he has a great relationship with my cats, visits with them lovingly. He makes sure he says goodbye to each of them before he goes, asks about them over the phone. I call him "Uncle Nicky" to them. That's one of the things about my closest friends and those who practice the most charity to me - they ask me about the cats. That's one thing my former boss did get right.

Tonight Rebekah Gamble texted me to share her joy over something. That too is charity - she was sharing of herself, of her happiness. I am blessed with so many friends who do that. Added to that blessing, she can always "feel" me. She always knows when I'm really in need. I was concerned about something this evening and she "felt" it even though we were just texting. She texted that she sensed something "off" and asked if she could send me some energy. That's another huge piece of charity - noticing a need, asking if you can give or simply doing it. Like Nick, she's such a huge part of my life, always there for me. She gives me constant love and emotional support. She listens when I need to talk things out. She entirely gives of herself to me. I can't say enough about that or her.

Pamela Smith has been a constant support for nearly three years now. We "met" over a Facebook game and connected. I "felt" her and she "felt" me. We were both at a crossroads, about to end our marriages and came together over mutual need. We "fit," so grew so close to each other as we gave to and supported each other through some of the toughest times in our lives. I can't begin to tell you how much I owe her. She's the one who first identified my multiple gifts and talents when I was searching for what I needed to do with my life, told me I have so much going for me. (That's not to say I haven't had tons of support in that from family and friends over the years. This is a timing issue I'm talking about here. Pam was a new voice at the right time, right there front and center. She was doing this for me daily, whereas the others in my life were busy with their lives at the time.) She was "the wind beneath my wings" that led to the total transformation in my life, God's angel. And there's so much more. Again, I can't begin to say all she's done for me.

Jennifer Dillon is MY JENNY. I'm pleased to be MY JENNY to Rebekah Gamble. As I said earlier, a big part of it is the attitude of giving back. I know what MY JENNY means to me so I was thrilled the first time Rebekah called me that the other day, after I talked about mine. Since May of 1991, Jenny has been one of the closest people to me on the face of the earth. She knows me better than anyone, and almost longer. She loves me in spite of myself at times, and always because of myself. She knows me better than I know myself, and that's saying so much because I know myself way better than most people ever achieve. All she has to do to give to me, same as it was with my beloved grandparents, is to be alive.

My daughter gives to me on a regular basis, no matter what's going on in her life. She's still young so in those days of high stress, yet she always listens to me and cares. She always helps me if she can, offers a loving and supportive word. She gives of herself, gives me love and attention, kindness and gentleness. And I think I've now done the subject of true charity justice.

There are so many people and names I haven't mentioned here. If you read this, please don't be offended if I didn't single you out. I only mentioned those I've had contact with in the last few days, except for Chrissy, Jane, and Barbie. I love and cherish you all. You are all givers of the heart - you know who you are. I tell you regularly how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you! That too is a very important and huge part of giving, being a giver. Go out of your way to tell them, and often!

Toxic People, Toxic Relationships

Mid 1990 I started reading a book called, "Toxic Parents," by Dr. Susan Forward. She has many great books out there, and this one changed my life. I didn't get very far into it, and actually couldn't read most of it because it just hit home too much. It had the effect it needed, in the first couple of chapters. It's what brought me out of denial about the sexual abuse I faced, and all the other true abuse, from my mother. Until then, I was so in denial, so brainwashed that I didn't remember what I'd lived.

We've all had toxic people in our lives. One clue might be someone you say "drives you to drink." My most recent had very dramatic effects on my body, and fairly immediate. After the first couple of weeks of contact with this person, the mild eczema on my hands encircled my wrists, then climbed my arms! When the person went on vacation, it gradually went away without treatment. I realized this person was very uncomfortable to be around - was not at all in my comfort zone. When the eczema spread so much in just one day, I realized the tension from this person had to be the cause. And with the person gone, the theme of toxicity is so potent that I have to write this blog despite the fact that I don't want the person to read it and recognize him/herself. Every time I avoid a subject for this blog I get stuck and can't write any of them. I'm learning.

Some of us attract toxic people and apparently I still do. I do my best to limit them in my life. I help them if I can but set real and very strict boundaries to avoid problems in my life. I ended up with this person before I recognized the toxicity, which is what happens to all of us who attract them. Those of us trying to get healthy would never otherwise allow them in our lives. I said I help them if I can but I don't believe a non-professional can help them. I find the best thing is to eliminate them from my life as quickly as possible. That might sound very harsh but it's really not. I forgive all people all things, but that doesn't mean we forget. It also doesn't mean we allow others to adversely affect our lives, and toxic people do. They usually don't mean to or realize they're doing it, but that hardly matters in the overall affect.

For me, toxic people are those locked in hate, rage, bitterness, anger, and drama. They are those who speak everything that comes to mind no matter how cruel, blunt, or invasive. Invasiveness is common among toxic people. They try to control you, get you to answer to them, jump to their priorities, dominate your time and attention, try to get you to agree with them. They try to draw you into their dramas and get you to rescue them while they take no action to change things or themselves. When this topic first came to me, I was thinking these things characterize toxicity in relationships for me. Now I realize they're universal, unless you're one who's locked in drama yourself. Young people often are. Most mature adults move way past that.

Many of us have toxic people in our lives, and have decisions to make about those people. Years ago I severely limited contact with my mother because my emotional health simply couldn't stand having her as a frequent part of my life. I owed it to myself and my children, who were young then, to limit that contact. I limited their contact with her to keep them from her toxicity, which she very much spread on them too. I limited my contact so I could continue to work to overcome her effects on me, to better parent them, and to improve my life. In general, limiting contact with a parent isn't a good thing but in this case, it was the healthiest thing I could do for the innocents involved (me, my children, my first husband).

I still haven't found a good way to tell someone they're toxic, and that I'm going to limit their role and contact in my life. I ease myself away, put up boundaries and distance myself. I'm not sure there is a good way, since a truly toxic person isn't ready to see that. Perhaps the only thing to do, when you can, is suggest professional help from a qualified mental health expert. I encourage you to recognize and release yourself from those who are toxic to you. I also encourage you to get professional help if you keep attracting these kinds of people, so you can learn why and break that pattern. That option isn't available to me at this time, so I'm putting it to prayer, self-examination, careful thought. My current economic situation led me to this person, and I'm working to improve my situation to change all that. I'm doing all I can at this point to get this influence out of my life.

How to Recognize the Need for Change

On January 8, 2013, I wrote about drama and creating your own reality. I then wrote this one as a follow-up and forgot to post it. Dramas, and being stuck in any area of your life, truly drain your energy. Whether they're your own dramas or listening to constant drama from others, it drains energy. That's why I limit the people who want to share their dramas with me. If you're going into a lot of detail about what's wrong, you're locked in drama. You either tell it all to the same person(s) frequently, or yourself, or you find yourself telling anyone and everyone about it, over and over. That's a pattern of being stuck - in drama or whatever problem you may be perceiving. I say perceiving because by changing your focus and thoughts, you can entirely change your situation and life. I know because I've done it. It's an ongoing task but it gets so much easier with time. Also, with time you gain mastery and control over yourself and what happens in your life. You can't control all circumstances all the time - you never can control others. Since we all interact with others, often those we don't wish to, your life is never going to be entirely under your control. But you can control many of the overall circumstances and outcomes. The key is to take action when you notice a pattern that you don't like. You need to understand why it's happening and your role in it. I was a victim for many years, even when I thought I'd gotten beyond that. I didn't know yet how to set full intent and make changes in myself to live a better way. Once I identified what I needed to change in myself, I was able to overcome the pattern. Then it no longer served me.

You need to understand that you're getting some kind of pay off for repeating the patterns. I was reliving my childhood circumstances. In a very misguided effort to do that, I played right into the hands of the sexual abuse by my second husband, as well as emotional abuse. I can't entirely describe for you what that pay off for me was. Part of the dysfunction was wanting a father figure to take care of me - something I'd missed out on all of my life. I can't say that I can put all I had to learn to end the pattern into words, but I truly have learned the lessons. One problem was giving over my personal power to others. I let my self, needs, goals, tastes, and personality entirely take a back seat in both my marriages, and in one close relationship afterwards. That final relationship was very brief. I stood up for myself and was entirely cut off. Then I saw what I'd again done, and finally learned. I was yielding to someone I thought was more gifted and advanced than I am, letting her control my life and destiny entirely at that point. Comparisons like that are another subject for another day this week. I've now learned to believe in myself and see myself more clearly. I no longer fear or yield to authority figures. Instead, I yield only to God and take Him as my only absolute authority. I weigh what all others say now, and take anything questionable to Him, or research it. I parent myself, am a whole person now. I find what I need from within rather than looking to others to define, acknowledge, and validate me. Then, when I receive validation and acknowledgment from others, it's simply a gift, not a need. When others try to define me, they're usually spot on now, which is fun. Sometimes I learn more about myself when listening to others. That's either through their knowledge of me, or things I hear them defining in their own lives. When others wrongly try to define me, I immediately set the record straight if it's someone who will remain in my life. If someone of no consequence to my life tries to define me, I listen for anything I might be missing. The other day someone commented that I looked very motherly and was going my best to be as unattractive as possible. I paid attention, although I'll possibly never see him again. I knew I was dressed for work, and why I dressed as I did. I didn't care how I appeared to him or others at that point. I was simply there to do a job the best I could. But now I know exactly how I look and come across when I have my hair up and wear clothes from my last marriage. I know why I have those clothes - I was trying to be unattractive to my husband to avoid the sexual abuse. I know what and who I am, that I am truly motherly but that I'm also passionate and sensual. I know when and how to bring out which image. I do still often hide my sexuality, but I realize that and why. I know I still need a lot of healing after that last marriage. So his comment was interesting to me but of no real consequence.

I was writing this at the beginning of January. If you've read the blogs over the past couple of days, you'll see that it's much easier to see repeating patterns in someone else's life than yours. If you keep seeing someone else's problems and they're recurring themes, chances are almost 100% that you need to look at your life to see what needs to be changed. And certainly, if you have recurring problems or stretches of "bad luck," you need to see what you need to change. My latest ex husband had a few gems he shared with me. One of them was that madness is repeating the same behaviors expecting a different outcome. That's hard to see in ourselves when we think we're doing the right thing and it just hasn't happened yet. That's the rut I got into. It was "madness" I didn't realize. If you find yourself a frequent victim, you're the only one you can change. And there are definitely certain key words and phrases to watch out for. If you find yourself using the word "happen" or "happened," or saying "I ended up" or "I wound up" or something similar, you're making excuses for not making conscious choices. We simply don't "end up" or just "happen" into things unless we aren't making healthy and conscious choice. I'll say that yes, bad things to just happen to good people, but not a a recurring basis. Yes, people are in the wrong place at the wrong time because of the carelessness of others. That's how people die at the hands of a drunk driver or a drive-by shooting. We'll call that an occurrence for the sake of language here. That's not a repeating pattern and therefore not at all what I'm talking about here, unless you keep choosing to go into unsafe situations until something occurs. 

Last night a friend was bemoaning the fact that he's never gotten to make a living at what he wanted to do. He loves science and started out with a promising job along those lines, but was bumped out of the job early on. That was an occurrence. He then went into the family business of selling plumbing supplies, went to beauty school and didn't find an aptitude as a hairdresser (both about as far away from science as you can get). He worked for a temp agency and went permanent for a loan company, did it again and worked in statistics, which further complicated his problems with organizing his brain. He was telling me he kept "ending up" in all these other jobs when what he wanted to do was science. However, he didn't keep "ending up" at all. He failed to make conscious choices about his career. I know because I recognize these words and patterns, and because I did the same thing. He's never had a career and neither did I. Until you take responsibility for your actions and choices and start making conscious choices, nothing gets better. And eventually, frankly, it can become too late to get what you wanted in life.

Another sign you're stuck in your dramas and creating your own problems is when you tell people or the same person the same sad stories over and over. I have someone in particular in mind right now. This person tells me parts of the same series of woes in every conversation, no matter what else the talk was supposed to be about. I've also heard this person tell the same things in every face to face, and every phone conversation. This person is entirely dwelling, refusing to let go. By replaying this series, this person is creating more "happenings" along the same line. It's ongoing. I know another one who is miserable in his/her living situation but determined to take care of and "save" the person he/she lives with. Meanwhile, this friend is trying to heal from abuse at the hands of the person he/she lives with, while the abuse continues! There's every excuse, and they're good ones, granted, for staying in the situation. But until he/she makes the change, makes a healthy choice for him/herself and moves out, the healing is going to be retarded, an ongoing uphill battle.

My final word is about slow but steady progress. That's been my biggest problem in the past. I stayed in an intolerable situation with my second husband because I thought I saw slow but steady progress. I kept working away at my healing and my problems in the last year plus because I thought I saw slow but steady progress. In the living situation mentioned in the last paragraph, he/she sees slow and steady progress. It's a trap! We're fooling ourselves in order to keep ourselves trapped in the situation, perpetuating it. Yes, change can come about slowly, but it has a certain energy. If you aren't feeling that energy, it's not real change, it's a illusion of change. Another sign is that it has momentum. If it's just continuing to be slow and steady, it's an illusion, not true progress. It's status quo at best, more likely to actually be backsliding. That's how I actually hit rock bottom when I was trying so very hard to change my life for the better!

Opportunity from Rock Bottom - Part 2 of 2

We do truly create our own reality and I've talked about this before. The last time I discussed it in detail was January 8, 2013. Tomorrow I'll post the follow up I was writing to that post and couldn't quite finish. As I said yesterday, that theme has been showing itself to me very dramatically, especially all through January. I'll come back to this. I was doing a lot of things right to try to change my reality, but a whole lot wrong based on past messages and learned behaviors. I really have made tremendous progress in healing my inner self. I didn't really realize, though, how badly I was treating myself. It's a lifelong pattern, perpetuating abuse upon myself as a learned behavior. When you slip back into those old patterns, and start using old coping mechanisms that no longer serve you, you entirely lose track of what you're doing and why. That's how it becomes a trap.

I wasn't taking care of myself, despite the fact that I teach that we aren't unlimited resources. I'd fallen back into giving myself the bare minimum of care to survive. I kept telling myself things would get better in my life, without changing the pattern I was playing out. I was also entirely denying myself the things that fuel my energy, which are creative endeavors. I was feeding my soul with daily prayer, meditations, and things - part of what I was doing so right. However, I was denying my spirit what I need to thrive - my art and crafts. I was too focused on making myself do the things I thought I should first. The problem is, there will always be more of those - they never get done. As soon as you finish one "important" or "urgent" thing, another comes up. That's modern life. It's worse when you're struggling for survival. What I was doing was the equivalent of how some people bargain with God. "If I promise to do this, and this, and this, please..." I was making myself do all "this" and "that" and not allowing myself time for self care or for my passions and interests. I lost my ability to cope and help others when I persisted in this, and got myself into a very desperate state.

Monday night when I hit rock bottom and began reaching out, God met me at my point of need. Because I'd been doing that part right, I recognized it. Because I've been trying to learn the lessons as they come, heal myself, and be aware of what wasn't working, I recognized the opportunity to build when presented. I won't go into all that wasn't working, but one of the things that became apparent to me in January is that I need to start working Creative Wellbeing Fulfillment again, and find other home based businesses and ways to create a healthy income flow. I've been working to help someone start multiple businesses and getting very frustrated in the process because she was not participating in this. Therefore, my efforts to make money helping (which I was relying on) haven't been manifesting as promised. That's when my business dreams started to revive, and I began praying in earnest about them. I shared them with some friends, and true to form for me, found support for these feelings, and shared goals. I've been "holding the space" of getting these businesses started for each of us along with these people since. I've been helping them as I've been setting intention for myself - always a good thing, especially for a giver. As I've said, I'd been getting quite a lot of it right. The problem was, I had so many key things wrong, like focusing on lack for so long. I understand why, that it's so human, and I'm not beating myself up about it. Instead, I'm doing something about it.

When I checked into the Site Nite program it sounded like something I really needed. It was something about how to get unstuck in your life and create prosperity, the life of your dreams - something like that. I've heard it all before, I thought. Still, I knew I was called to go and was looking forward to it. When I got there I was happy to see a charming lady I've discussed essential oils with every time we're both there. Then I saw that the front table had a display about doTerra Oils and figured that the program had been switched. I've sat through so many business opportunity and sales presentations, and that wasn't what I'd come there for - wasn't the promised program. Still, I wondered if this meant it was time for me to give up my reserve about the quality of the oils and sign up to sell them when I got some money together. Remember, part of Creative Wellbeing Fulfillment is my own essential oil blends made into spa-type products to help with common problems. Remember too, I'd been getting the message and setting intent to start my own businesses.

It turns out it was the promised program, not a sales or recruiting presentation. I also discovered that this woman was one I'd thought of taking classes with on Law of Attraction and such. She reached me and many others during her presentation when she shared oil blends with us and their uses with positive affirmations. She shared which oils were in the blends and why, the uses of each. All of it was just what I needed to be hearing, and I was very impressed with her oil usage and knowledge. Most people look for signs in threes. I get them in multiples beyond threes if you count every single one, the small and major, and Tuesday night was no different. One of the final signs was when she passed around two vials of lavender essential oil. One vial was what I considered the absolute best I've ever encountered, my measure of the quality of lavender oil, and the other was doTerra. When I smelled that ultimate oil and compared it with the doTerra, for the first time I noticed a sharp and artificial note in my former favorite, and how much stronger and more pure the doTerra was. It was the sniff-test equivalent of speaking my language, and convinced me that the company claims are true. Remember, I've been working with a variety of oils for 17 years now. Afterwards I told her that was the ultimate test for me, and I'm ready to sign up to sell the oils as soon as I get the money together. I was told how I can start up without the cash, and start making money right away. That was the final sign for me that the tide had turned because that's exactly what I need. That's the beginning to the answer of starting my businesses - how, what, and when. It's also the beginning of the answer to my income needs. Earlier that day, I'd also been given a lot of insights in riding around with a friend for about 3-4 hours. That friend was talking about living her dream - freelance writing, working on her novel, putting her energy every day into making this happen. She dropped out of academia after going all the way through college to almost completing a doctorate degree, so that she could live a life in alignment. She's doing what I want to do, and we discussed that I can too. The doTerra is doing with her oils and businesses what I want to do, and I know she can help me do the same.

It's all starting to come together all at once because I hit rock bottom, but was working toward better along the way. I was doing a lot right, and kept trying to build a better life for myself. I was trying to heal myself. I learned so much along the way, and was ready to take this opportunity to create change and finally build the life I want. All that energy that I've been putting into survival is now starting to go into creating the changes I want. I'm getting back on track with intent and all the things I know to do. I've become aware of how punitive I was being with myself and am in the process of stopping that, choosing healthy giving to myself and self care. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm not going to expect that. I'm allowing myself the time to make the changes, keeping positive with myself. That means I'm no longer perpetuating the idea that I have to wait for what I want in my life or further "pay my dues." I don't have to get all the nasty stuff done like bills and housecleaning, before I do things for myself like a nice soak in the tub, pleasure reading, or painting. I don't have to do all the "shoulds," which never GET done, before all but the most minimum "wants." My biggest goal at this point now involves giving to myself rather than giving to others. That never means I'll neglect others. I don't have that in me and that would also be denying one of my big needs. It means I'm now focusing on being good to myself and true healthy pleasures instead of just surviving. I'm in the process of switching my focus and therefore my behaviors. I'm starting to treat myself with the kindness, respect, and consideration I always give to others no matter how they behave!

Opportunity from Rock Bottom - Part 1 of 2

Monday I hit my personal rock bottom. What constitutes rock bottom differs for everyone, as does how you get there and how long it takes. Sometimes you feel it coming, and you aren't sure what/where that breaking point is. I think "breaking point" is a good definition of what "rock bottom" is. Until you've reached that "make or break point" or "breaking point," you truly haven't hit rock bottom yet. Mine has been coming on for a long time now, and accelerated in December, then really started rushing at me through January. By the end of January it was inevitable, despite everything. I held it off for a very long time through many coping mechanisms, some very unhealthy, some very healthy. I happen to be very good at my unhealthy ones. I learned them well, very early in my childhood. I know how to go numb and totally deny myself. I was taught that everyone else matters and I truly don't. I was taught to absolutely invalidate my own needs, feelings, and experiences, hence got very good at numbness. I was also taught that the only way I could gain any value or esteem in life was entirely based on my performance and success in all areas of life, duty, and service to others.

I recognize now that I brought "rock bottom" on myself with these unhealthy coping mechanisms, and we'll revisit that topic tomorrow. The fact that we create our own reality is a huge topic in itself and one I've been avoiding. Because I've been avoiding addressing it as I've seen it all around me, it kept recurring and that's why I wasn't blogging. I couldn't see how to address the subject without stepping on too many toes, or how to do it adequately. What I didn't realize was my own lessons coming back at me. I know all these things. I know the way life really works. I teach these things to others. But at times, I get caught up in not living them, and that's when they start cropping up all around me. I know we create our own health and reality but I was creating the opposite of what I want and need. So, the subject started dramatically showing up all around me. Plus, I most saw it in an individual who now greatly impacts my life.

My healthy coping mechanisms involve prayer, faith, meditation, reaching out to others for what I need, Reiki, resting, and so many other things. However, I got totally locked into trying to work my way out of my mess the only way I could see to do it, which wasn't from a position of strength or healthy sense of self by then. I started living those old messages and one of the worst things I did was entirely deny myself any more than the bare minimum of care or what I needed. I was also completely focused on lack, which only creates more lack. Again, I know better. Plus, I've done so much work on myself to heal from and release, overcome those old messages. Those of us who have been severely abused will never be completely over it. I've got to be honest with you about that. It's like a person-sized onion. You can heal and peel away layer after layer but it's still going to be there in your self and your experiences. That certainly doesn't mean it's hopeless or that it continues to hurt. The more you work at it the better you get, the less often you hurt, the less it hurts then, and the better you're able to make healthy choices. However, those tendencies toward self-perpetuation continues and you have to educate yourself, heal yourself, and work at making conscious choices instead of reacting. You have to pay attention to your first response and instincts, especially about other people and situations. For example, co-dependency - something I thought I broke the bonds of and harshly learned otherwise because of that. My second marriage was entirely co-dependent, even more than the first and way more disastrous in many ways. Yet, I thought I broke the bonds of co-dependency when I asked for my first divorce and ended that co-dependent relationship. It's like true alcoholism. You can consider yourself to be rather "recovered" the more years you've gone without a drink but you can never consider yourself cured and let down your guard or go back to it. We become addicted to those unhealthy patterns learned.

One of the problems with my unhealthy patterns, as I've said before, is that the world applauds and welcomes them. Everybody loves a giver. Additionally, I am also by nature, not just nurture, a giver and a servant personality. Not all givers or servant personalities have these unhealthy tendencies. My problems came about from the training that I was nothing and didn't matter, was entirely invalid. The problem wasn't from my overall nature, it's what I was taught about myself. I'm great and fine toward others, and if I continually did as my wise licensed clinical social worker daughter advises (she too needs to practice what she preaches here, by the way - like mother, like daughter, nature vs. nurture), I'd be as good, kind, and giving toward myself as I am toward others. I am now entirely working toward that.

Monday night I realized that I was at rock bottom, or it certainly felt like it, and I was. My responses were quite healthy at that point, although still bare minimum. I postponed making a major decision I couldn't think through, figured out that I needed expert help, plus I reached out to the one person who can always help me no matter what. The one person who knows me better than any other, and even better than I know myself, lives in Maryland. She's been my closest, most valuable friend for nearly 22 years. Thanks to my lovely daughter, we finally met, and very quickly became this close. We used to visit and talk daily, something that's entirely counter to my normal patterns and personality. She's one of the healthiest things I've ever done for myself, letting her the whole way into the bottom of my soul and self. That was major because at the time I was hiding the childhood abuse from myself, and still felt that I was dirty-stinking-rotten at the bottom of my hidden soul, that it was so dirty and so deep even I couldn't find it. Monday night I realized I needed my human life-line, so I texted her. That was kind of feeble, I now realize. I simply said I need her, and a sounding board when she had time to call, knowing she then wouldn't call that night. Fortunately, I'm used to knowing when God is reaching down His Hand to help me at my point of need, and He always does. Many of you simply don't recognize it or take the opportunity. So I made that feeble attempt to reach out to her, and was thinking of reaching out to another very helpful friend. I was trying to decide whether to text or send a private Facebook message, either of which would have been equally feeble, when he texted me. He asked me if I was going to the local Site Nite presentation the next night, offered me a ride home. Those in the Pittsburgh area, if you don't know about Site Nite please ask me or look them up on Facebook - wonderful programs. I'd forgotten about Site Nite coming up the next day, but said yes, I was going, because I've learned. Every time someone has asked me if I'm going or offered me a ride, there was a reason I was supposed to be there. I never know the reason in advance, I've simply learned and take it on faith now. I know God has something great in store for me if I pay attention and go, and I always do. My first impulse is to check what the program is, and has been to think about whether I can really spare the $2.50 or $3.50 to ride the bus (that's how bad things were). Then I remember that the question of whether I'm going means I'm supposed to, and I start looking forward to the major blessing, the adventure of finding out what it is.

Last night I finally talked with my friend in Maryland, the one who knows me best and loves me most, who always has my highest good, with no personal agenda, at the core of her heart. We talked for two hours or more, and I got exactly what I needed at the time. I was also healthy enough to request more frequent talks, to express my true need for her more present in my life on a regular basis. You have to understand that her life is busy and until recently, has been very hectic. She's also my twin in many ways, and seldom reaches out no matter how much she needs or wants me. She too often doesn't take the time for herself, take care of her real needs. She too often only gives herself the bare minimum, and struggles with co-dependency, is an ultimate giver. It's one of the reasons we were able to become so deeply close so fast - how much alike we are. When you understand one of us, you pretty much understand the other, at least basically. I've heard a lot of gems in the two days after I hit rock bottom. She and I discussed the whole thing and all the aspects of what's been happening, why, and what I'm going to do about it. One of the gems came Tuesday night at Site Nite. The lovely lady presenting the program said that self-healing is a service we give ourselves so we can share it with the world. I'd never quite heard it put that way before, but that entirely speaks my language so stuck with me, and I therefore internalized it. For me, the key words are "service" and sharing with the world - alignment with my life mission. Last night, my friend said that "rock bottom gives a solid foundation to build upon," just after I explained my plans to improve my life from here. It's something she heard one time that stuck with her, and she gifted it to me for my use in my mission to help others improve their lives. I love the imagery and the truth in that statement, the hope and promise. Tomorrow, part 2 - what I'm doing to create change and improvement. I'll start with unhealthy coping mechanisms and move into the good stuff!

Simple Grounding & Chakra Clearing Meditation

The beauty of this meditation is that it doesn't have to be long, need tools other than your mind, can be done any time, anywhere without anyone else knowing you're doing it. You need to do it, at least briefly, whenever you feel overwhelmed, fuzzy, dizzy, or need extra strength or energy or clear thinking.

I learned about chakras through Reiki. There are many but we're generally concerned with the 7 major ones. They push vital energy throughout the body. Negative thoughts clog your chakras & restrict the flow of energy. For full vitality, your chakras need to be clear & balanced - as in, all the same size, and clear colors. The root chakra spins slowest and crown chakra spins fastest. They spin in a clockwise direction. If you were above your body looking down through your head, your chakras would appear as spinning fans lying flat in your body. In other words, you'd be seeing the fan from the front. If you were standing in front of someone, it would be like seeing just the outer rounded edge of the fan.

The first is the root chakra, located at the base of your spine. The rate it spins creates a ruby red color. It relates to security issues like finances, career, home, family, physical safety, possessions. The second is the sacral chakra, located half way between your naval and the base of your spine. The rate it spins creates a beautiful orange. It relates to cravings for physical pleasures, addictions, your body (sleep, appearance, thoughts of self). The third is the solar plexus chakra, located behind the naval according to Doreen Virtue. I often find information saying the sacral chakra is more there and the solar plexis is under the breasts. Where it is, is not so important right now. Go by feel and approximate location for this. The rate is spins creates a brilliant yellow like the sun. It relates to feelings of power, control. Fourth is the heart chakra, located in the center above the breasts. The rate it spins creates a beautiful shade of green. It relates to relationships, attachments to people, love, forgiveness or unforgiveness. Fifth is the throat chakra. The rate it spins creates a beautiful sky blue. It relates to speaking your truth, communication issues, asking for your needs to be met. Sixth is the third eye, located in the center of your forehead above your eyes. The rate it spins creates a pure, deep indigo blue. This is the portal to your truest & highest self, the true you. It relates to your past, future, & beliefs. Seventh and last is the crown chakra, located inside the top of your head. The rate it spins creates a vivid royal purple. It's essential to "clear knowing," intuition, receiving messages from God and the angels, spirituality, trust.

The meditation is to start with the root chakra. Visualize it glowing clear red, at the proper speed (just think proper speed), completely clear. Then visualize sending it's energy through your feet, down into the ground, to the center of the earth, and anchoring it at the center of the earth to ground you. Do the same thing with each chakra on the way up, and picture them the same size (whatever that is) as the first chakra - orange, yellow, green, sky blue, indigo, and royal purple, from approximately the appropriate locations.

With this meditation you're doing three things at once. You're working to clear each chakra energetically, and to make them all the same size. This facilitates the best flow of energy throughout your body and spirit. If they aren't clear or all the same size, you have restricted flow of energy which leads to problems. We all have negative thoughts and problems at times but the accumulation of them clogs the chakras and causes some to shrink, restricting flow. The reason I told you what issues relates to each chakra (really in very brief and general terms) is to give you an idea of how different ones can be affected by different problems or negative focus. Personally, I have trouble with my first three chakras and the throat chakra. Since you know certain things about me and my concerns, you can figure out a lot of why. The third thing this does, is ground you, hence calling it a grounding meditation. It grounds your energy flow. So you really create a lot of good with your intent and mind, in this very simple, quick process. If you have any questions, let me know. For further information you can certainly Google chakras, although there's so much information out there that I don't recommend it.

This comes to you from an email I prepared for a friend, after walking her through this last night. She's never heard of chakras before so needed to have this spelled out for her so she can do it on her own, frequently. I'm going to try to give you more regular blogs from now on, but college is in session and again I've got a job now.

Where We Dwell, We Create Our Reality

Most people hate this idea but it's entirely true. We do create our own "reality." It's based on where and what we dwell on in our thoughts and spirit. We all attract more of what we dwell on, and create a state of being based on that. If you dwell on the wrongs done to you, without meaning to, you create and attract more of the same. We've all had people wrong us, and "fate," karma, life. No one is without hardships, some more than others. Those who are "down and out" just seem to sink deeper and have more and worse things happen. That's because that's where their minds are and what they've begun to expect out of life and others. Even the "haves" have a lot of problems and issues depending on what they value and care about. Recently I've been around some very negative people, which has prompted this topic. One person has had people stealing from him. Now he sees thieves around every corner, accusing those who are innocent, imagining things stolen when nothing has been. He's so concerned about it that he's driving away those who would help him. It's very sad to see him so focused on this that he drinks away his days off. He's miserable. He's got a great job he loves with a great salary, a large home, lots of really nice things. Yet he lives very small, because he's not trusting or loving, sees "bogeymen" around every corner waiting to steal his possessions. In part, he's dwelling on the possessions, and the things wrong in his life rather than making positive changes.

I know many who are locked in their dramas. That's where they dwell so they attract more drama. They attract and create it. Whether you realize it or not, you get what you expect to get. No matter how miserable you are because of family or friends that have or are wronging you, there are ways to get out of that. All you have to do is switch your attitude and focus. You have to truly forgive, try to understand, have empathy for those who have wronged you. Forgiveness is for yourself and your benefit, not others. It doesn't matter how badly they've wronged you, how often, or even if it's continuing. Granted, it's harder to forgive when it's ongoing. You can forgive all past wrongs and the person(s) but you have to keep forgiving new behaviors when it's ongoing. But it truly can be done, I can assure you. I managed to forgive my mother even as she continued to verbally and emotionally abuse me while in my care and dependent on me. I took care of all her basic needs during this time, despite the way she was treating me. I came to understand that I couldn't change her or her behavior, only myself. I could change what I did in response to her. I could change my actions and attitude toward her, and my responses. I chose not to internalize or take personally the treatment or things she said about me. I chose to chalk it all up to her dysfunction and unhappiness rather than take it as truth, as reality. I didn't allow it to sink in and affect me. I didn't even bother to rebut it in my mind - I let it all bounce off. Instead, I internalized the unconditional love of those around me, and God.

Being a primary caregiver for a parent or parents is one of the hardest jobs in the world and I hereby acknowledge all those who choose to do it. It's worse when the parent(s) are abusive in their old age, worse still if he/she/they have been abusive as you were growing up. I won't tell you that I always handled my mother with grace, but I will say I did the best I could. I'm not sure that I love her, and I certainly don't respect many of her life choices, but I tried to always treat her with respect. It was a very difficult but healing time for me, and I know myself well. That was necessary for dealing with her. It's a key to living with abuse, key to the ability to not internalizing the messages. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the behaviors. For true forgiveness, you have to come to understand the person and the reasons. In my case, I've come to understand that my mother lost her father when she was four, was primarily raised by her grandparents, without her mother. My grandmother had to work and back then it was common to send children to live with relatives under such circumstances. For whatever reasons, including that and a hard, cold grandfather, my mother has several clinical disorders. She is perhaps bipolar, has a Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Disorder, and several more I don't have correct names for yet. I believe she's a lot of the reason I've chosen to study psychology. Certainly my experiences have led to my need to heal and help others who have suffered abuse and/or are living dysfunctional lives. This is so many of you. Anyone who is choosing drama is choosing dysfunction. If you have children, you're affecting them too, no matter how good a parent you try to be or believe you are.

Once I really came to an understanding of my mother and her behaviors that affected me, I was able to see that she did the best she could with what she was dealt. That's part of what's necessary for forgiveness, of self and others. I was also better able to look at my own parenting and forgive myself for my mistakes, which were many. Again, it's not about condoning, but forgiveness is necessary for a positive self image and positive life. The more I forgave her and myself, and understood, the more I was able to accept the love of others and her. I was also better able to understand and love myself. All this enabled me to emerge from drama. Now I have to say that we all have drama at one time or another. In healthy individuals, it's often short lived and usually handled well. You learn to make choices about how you handle the dramas, and eventually gain the mastery to control even your responses. Most of the time now my response is prayer, which leads to calm, and the clear thinking necessary to handle the situation with the least amount of problem and impact. This should be your goal. I can't begin to tell you how much easier and more joyful life gets the more you master this! From the other side of all those dramas, I can tell you that all the work to get yourself and your choices under your intent and control are so worth it!

The bottom line is that our perceptions create our daily reality. These include perceptions about others, things that happen to us, our current circumstances. Every time I get stuck in a feeling of lack, I totally begin to live that. I start living very small, and the more it goes on the smaller my world gets. Without changing any of my circumstances, when I concentrate on the abundance in my life, I begin to live large. I live in gratitude, and great things start happening. I'm also able to do and accomplish so much more. That in turn changes my circumstances for the better, at least in part. Eventually, with steady gratitude, intent, and focus on the good things in my life, I've been able to improve my circumstances. It so seldom works the other way, and when it does, you don't recognize all the wonders and blessings around you. You miss most of the good stuff and end up dwelling on what you don't like. That just brings more of the same. I've seen it work for the good in my life and those of some close to me. I've seen dwelling in the drama and lack work more of the same for many others. I've seen enough of it to tell you absolutely that it's a law of the universe. It's that "what goes around comes around" in a way you never think of it. What goes around inside of you comes around back to you from all directions in unforeseen ways, in waves. Often I talk about the many blessings bestowed on me by surprise, from God and others. I'm so very grateful, and I recognize and acknowledge, fully internalize even the smallest of them like finding a dime. With God's help, and by doing the self work, I've come to create a reality for myself of grace, peace, blessings, and love. I so seldom have drama in my life, only grief over the drama in the lives of those I love. I give that to God too, daily - then watch Him work! I love to see the progress.

When you have the "everything happens to me" or "everyone uses (or abuses) me" attitude, you only create much more of that in your life. You are actually causing it by sending out those vibes - you're attracting it. It's hard to get out of that, and only forgiveness and intent can accomplish it. You do have a choice though, and any day you start is the day your life begins to get better. It can be today, tomorrow or next week. How much longer do you wish to suffer? The progress won't be constant or steady. You slide back into old patterns of thinking and feeling quite easily. But at any point you can set intent and begin working on yourself. You can only change yourself. You can't change how others treat, think, or talk about you directly. But you can do so much indirectly to affect others, by how you affect yourself. Changing yourself is work, but we're capable, with determination and understanding. Most of my readers are women I believe. The good news is, it's far easier for women (and enlightened, determined men) to do this than it is for most men. The bad news is, women are also more prone to live in drama, so it's a good thing it's easier for us to change this. As I said, progress isn't steady or without interruptions. It's like most things - at first perhaps one step forward then one step back. But with intent and work, it becomes two steps forward and one step back. With practice, it then becomes many steps forward and only a few back.

You are going to get what you expect in most cases. I expect honesty, kindness and consideration, respect. I expect those around me to love me and appreciate me. I expect good things to happen to me every day, and opportunities to help others improve their lives. That's what I get most days, and in abundance. Yes, I have people use me and take advantage of me all the time. That's what happens to extreme givers. I've learned to set boundaries within myself and enforce them kindly but firmly with others. I value myself and know the value of my time and attention, help. I refuse to be used by those who wish to remain in their dramas, or who want to have me solve their problems. Those who don't do the work don't receive my help as soon as I identify that. I can tell you how to do it, and be your cheerleader along the way but only you can change your thoughts, actions, and choices. It's not my job in life to push you along, and it's impossible to do it for you. Without announcing it, I cut loose those who aren't doing the work. I leave the door open in this way. I give second chances, because people often are taken low enough that they're eventually willing to listen and do the work. But if you're not doing the work and still coming to me, you'll suddenly find me unavailable for long periods. You won't be able to reach me by phone, any private messages will be very briefly answered, etc. That's the way I've chosen to enforce my boundaries and guard my energy and time, my patience. That way, I have those resources for those who really want the help and will do their part. (Please don't imagine whether I'm setting these limits with you or take this personally. This is not directed at any one person. Now that I've started college, there are times that I get too busy to be on Facebook or on the phone much. Over the holidays, I didn't respond to a text from my soul daughter for a day or two. Those of you who are very close to me, you know that you are. When I'm slow to respond, don't think of what I just wrote about boundaries - do as she did. She's very secure in her relationship with me and got a response by telling me she's worried that she hadn't heard back from me. I responded as soon as I saw that.) So again you see that with my attitude (my worth and value to others) I control my reality. I avoid most drama because I don't let those locked into it to latch onto me and bring it in. My attitude is: those who I'm helping through their dramas are clients, and those who are further along are friends. How close to me you get depends on how evolved you are. I help evolved friends regularly, by the way, but they also help me. It's a very healthy give and take. This is part of what I've created and ordered in my life. I am often the "go to" listener for many. Those who are evolved and have done the work still need me occasionally but it's not taxing because it's reciprocal and not constant in any one of them. So I am able to help many people regularly, and in turn, receive the occasional help I need.

If there's anything in your life that you don't want, especially the things that keep happening to you, I can help. It's time to make the changes you need to stop these things from happening. You actually do have the power to control much of your reality by controlling your attitudes, thoughts, and intent. I can teach you if you're ready.