Unequally Yolked

I believe it's in the New Testament of the Bible about not being unequally yolked with unbelievers. I've found this to be so true in my life & am finally prepared to live by it. It can be as mild as a slight difference in religion or as much as being a believer with a non-believer. My first husband was Catholic & I was Methodist. We seldom went to church together because of this. The kids went with me to the Methodist church & were raised there. When their father went, it was usually to the Catholic church. A house divided is just that.

In my second marriage, my husband was a non-believer entirely. He would put down people he encountered who we called "God Squadders." It was very intimidating. He was supportive of me going to church & being involved, but was a bad influence in the home. He would go into authoritarian lecture mode against religion & religious beliefs & it was hard to listen to & live with. I had no outlet to discuss my beliefs within my home, no support for my search for my truth. At times I could discuss this with him, but I was never sure what kind of input I'd get.

When I was a kid, I was a Christian in a household of adults who were entirely selfish & self-centered. I only got to go to church when I could make it happen as a teen, through others or by biking. God was not discussed in the home, nor was Jesus. God was with me anyway, miraculously, but in an otherwise completely Godless household. Conversely, my children grew up in a home with faith, & the support of a loving Christian church family. I can see the many benefits in their lives. My daughter moved back to that community when she bought her first house, & now is in the loving embrace of that same church family. And that's what they are - the best example I've ever seen anywhere of what a church is truly supposed to be. As a teen & adult I've attended at least 7 different churches for a time, in 2 different states & several Protestant denominations including Methodist, Presbyterian & Lutheran. I've attended just one other church at all similar to my home church, & it was again a Methodist church. This is absolutely not a judgement or statement about different denominations. It's a statement in praise of the loving congregation of Mayo Methodist in Mayo, Maryland. (The name has recently changed & expanded & I'm not entire sure of the correct name now. Another church merged with ours. I say ours because I maintain a membership there because of that congregation. It's my heart's home of a church.)

The biggest lesson I've learned about being unequally yolked is not to join in partnership with someone who isn't on a path similar to mine. Recently I've seen many Lightworkers who have been married for years, married to someone who doesn't share or entirely understand their path. My work is my life & what I plan for the rest of my life to be about. I've already had & raised my kids so my life is no longer about that. I'm looking for a job but I've already had a life where it was largely about my career, & that's no longer what my life can be about. Nor can my life again be about a marriage partner, or a search for romantic love. All that truly matters to me in my life now is my work & it comes first. It includes my family of cats, of course. They're actually a part of it, the way a life partner would have to be. That doesn't mean he has to be doing the same thing I am, but he at least needs to be someone I can discuss spirituality with, who can understand & share some of my beliefs. And he has to be supportive of my work, aid my ability to do it rather than distract or derail me. Of course, he will be important in my life & get a good portion of my love & attention, but he can't be the main thing in my life. I can't do that any more. I can't live a life that revolves around any man again, or his interests & activities, views or feelings. The man has got to be a whole person & self-sufficient without me, so that we enhance each other's lives & souls rather than leach. My recent ex was very supportive of my talents & interests when it came to crafts, to a point. He enabled me to explore areas I'd only touched on before, & it was wonderful. But he always told me that it came second to all else - his demands & wants, business, etc. He put me into a hobby category rather than giving my talents the credit & full respect they deserved, & therefore held me back in ways. And his unbelief inhibited my spiritual growth. Regular negative talk within the home always yields negative energy that must constantly be overcome before one can move forward. There's already so much of it we encounter outside our homes so having it within the home really skews our efforts.

More Healing Taking Place from Psychic Surgery

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to read the blog for Friday the 6th. Sandy removed the darkness from deep within me. It was caused from years of fear that built up. Who knows what all contributed or over what period of time. I was sexually abused first by the vessel that gave birth (BV for birth vessel) to me & then by my most recent ex. Twice both abusers lived with me, the 3 of us in one house, for more than a year. I've lived with my abusers for about 35 of my 56 years. The darkness had become a physical manifestation, dis-ease. As I said Friday, she removed that & I could feel it leaving me. She also bent time to remove the 2 abusers from my life, & I felt much more free as soon as she did that. I have ever since. The next day I prayed for both of them by name as I always do, then spent some time with Sandy thanking her, telling her all she'd done for me. I was uneasy saying their names in prayer but I pray by name for people I have no connection with, haven't even met so I figured it was ok. She spoke some great wisdom to me. She told me to just leave them to God. She said they made their choices. They had every opportunity to choose the Light, yet over & over they instead chose to abuse a true innocent. Just as we leave vengeance to God, she was telling me to leave any & all healing of them to God. They are no longer a part of me & I need to release all outcome, not even pray for them. I need to entirely remove myself from anything to do with them. It was a great relief to hear that. We're supposed to pray for our enemies & those who hurt us but in the case of abusers, it hurts to even pray for them! It's a reminder we don't need.

This brings me back to the subject of forgiveness. My Oregon BFF recently told me of a conversation she had with a former abuse victim (we don't have to stay in the victim role) about forgiveness. He said some things are too much to forgive entirely. That too was a relief to hear because every time I think I've entirely forgiven my recent ex, something happens in the present that is a road block he caused in the past. He's been the negative "gift that keeps on giving." That said, I'm sure these are blessings in disguise - lessons to learn or whatever. However, they seem to be keeping me down, contributing to what seems to be a downward spiral in my life, & I simply don't want to have to work within these confines any more. It isn't easy to remain grateful in all of this. And it all keeps coming to a head at once. I do believe that some things are truly unforgivable. That doesn't mean we shouldn't work toward as much forgiveness as we can. Forgiveness is for our sake. We need to forgive all we can so that we don't harbor anger. Deep seated anger turns to rage & that's so destructive, to ourselves, our relationships, & others. However, we can never truly entirely forgive all, nor can we forget, nor do I think we can totally heal. I liken deep seated emotional healing needs like an onion. It's done one layer at a time & we don't normally know what needs healed until that layer is ready to come off. Nor do we know how many layers are left. I think some things are onions too big to entirely peel in this lifetime. But back to forgiveness. I always had trouble forgiving the BV because the emotional abuses were ongoing. So there was always more to forgive. I've forgiven enough that I don't harbor hatred toward either of them, & there's no rage inside of me. Sometimes there's a very sad anger though, when another problem they created comes up. Then I deal with it. Forgiving, healing, & releasing is a process. I'm doing well with it because I face whatever arises & deal with it.

We don't need to remain victims. We can take back our power consciously. We can decide to learn & grow & change our lives. Part of that is healing & forgiving. It all works together. But taking responsibility for your life & choices, claiming your power are the biggest parts of no longer being in the victim role. It takes awareness & intent. We all did something to perpetuate our abuses while in the victim role. In my case, I made it possible for others to use or abuse me over & over again in many different ways. In fact, I played right into the hands of that second ex. One by one, time after time, I looked back & saw ways I'd done that to myself & still didn't learn. I hadn't truly claimed my power. Now I have or I am. I'm working on it. I see how I played into the hands of my abusers & I'm determined not to do that again. This is probably the hardest fight of all - breaking out of the abusive patterns that have ruled my whole life & rewriting my roles. I have to step away from the familiar ways of being & relating to others, entirely out of my comfort zone. And I have no idea what the healthy patterns feel like, look like, are like! I'm only guessing that I'm succeeding. Each time in the past when I thought I was, I was making another variation of the same mistakes. The answer isn't to not be in relationships. It's to recognize & reject what isn't healthy & learn to see & participate in only what is healthy. Setting intent here is very important.

So on Friday Sandy removed the BV & the E2 (2nd ex) from my life. Notice I say "the," not "my." There's a lot of physical & emotional healing that still needs to take place. She started the process & gave it a great jump start & I know the healing has begun, is continuing. Last night I had a wonderful jump in the emotional healing. As I was drifting off to sleep I was taken back to high school, when I first met the E2. At the end of 1999 when we first got together I didn't have memories this vivid flood back! I could see him as he looked when I was in high school. I remembered details of how sweet & kind he was to me, why I developed such a huge crush on him. I saw him & knew him all over again, before he'd started making all the dark choices in his adulthood that shaped him, before he became a con man, thief, & abuser. I've known for a long time that I wasn't really in love with the adult him & had plenty of warning signs that I completely ignored. I was in love with the guy he was when he was 21 & I was 17. It was a wonderful cleansing & release for me. I realized just why that attachment was so strong, how I was able to shut my eyes & make such a huge "mistake." Before he started making his adult choices (which I wasn't in the picture to see), he was the family's "great white hope," the golden boy like Robert Redford in "The Way We Were." In fact, I so identified with that movie that I can't watch it beyond that first time, & I always knew the E2 was the Robert Redford character. I'm not sure why remembering everything from back then was so healing, but it was. Instead of upsetting me as any thoughts or memories of him has in the past, it laid them all to rest & helped me free & forgive myself, I guess. All I know is that it made me feel happy, light & free. I felt what I felt for him back then & finally understood what the great pull was. Unfortunately, the other pull in 1999 was the abuse angle. I mistakenly thought reliving some of it under a controlled situation, with love being brought in, could be healing. Instead, I delivered myself into the hands of a selfish abuser & user, rather than into unconditional love. I'll never try to heal in that way again - it pushed me further into the darkness. The way I was fooled was that he was Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde, so the selfish abuser & user was not obvious. And it was familiar. So was the Dr. J./Mr. H. thing, as that would very well describe the BV. Anyway, the healing is continuing daily since the psychic surgery Sandy did for me on Thursday. Please read Friday's blog for full contact information if you want her services. 

Asking for Your Help, & Want to Tell of an Incredible Healing

Yesterday I was given a huge message about asking for & accepting help. This time I got it. It's been coming often, from numerous sources. If you regularly read these blogs, you've read as I've tried to process this. I'm usually the giver & helper, healer. I've been trying to do it all on my own from a position of responsibility & power. Some of you have asked me how I am, what I need & I usually tell you I'm fine, etc. But I haven't been, by any means & I have truly been in need. I tried to take full responsibility for nearly 2 years now for fixing myself & the situations caused by my recent ex. Part of it was out of a sense of guilt, the feeling that I hadn't carried my own weight, handled my responsibilities.

It can be very confusing. I'm a healer, teacher, guide, & counselor. I teach how to make things work in your life, heal, manifest & change your life. All the while, my own life was on a downward spiral. No matter what I did right, the spiral kept going. I kept working at it all, & didn't ask for help. Part of it was lack of trust, something I learned as a child. I received terrible abuse at the hands of the one who I was entirely dependent on & that gave me trust issues. These have been brought up hugely recently. Part of it was an unwillingness to burden others with my needs. That goes into worthiness. Part of it was thinking that as a healer & "authority," I should be able to do it all for myself. What I needed to learn was that it's safe to ask for help & let others be the giver. It's ok to be a receiver. It doesn't all have to be reciprocal in direct proportion. And that I was innocent in my childhood & in that second marriage. I was being ruled by beings of darkness, those who chose the dark when presented with a being of light in their lives. They could have embraced me & changed their lives. Instead they chose to exploit me & tried to use me entirely for their own dark purposes. I have much to heal from in the physical, emotional, & mental planes. And I can't do it alone, or even just by working with the angels & God. They are all powerful but my lesson turns out to be about being a receiver, not just a giver. About balance. That you can't just be a giver because that's the wrong kind of power. I've never purposely tried to have power or authority over any of you, although that's a huge mistake I made with my kids when they were young. I got past that when I uncapped & dealt with the rage within me years ago. Yet it's a form of misplaced power & control when you try to do it all yourself & only be a giver, try never to be a receiver.

So I've been brought almost as low as possible. Fortunately, I'm finally getting the message. I know some of you out there who are making the same mistake I've been making, so I want you to listen. We aren't meant to do it all for ourselves. We must humble ourselves & submit. We must ask for help when we need it, before things become dire. We must give others the opportunity to give to us. They need that. When they love & care for us, they need to give to us just as much as we need to give to them, if not more so. It's not weakness to share your needs with others, or your struggles. Think about the joy you feel, the way your spirit soars when you truly help someone else. Don't deprive others of that opportunity by keeping your needs to yourself.

One of my hesitations has come from not wanting to put any negatives out there. You can say it in such a way that you don't do that. Another has been that I believe that God & the angels should be sufficient for all our needs. But sometimes they use others on earth to do it - again, the give them the opportunity to be givers, healers, teachers, guides, etc.

So here's what I need - prayers, healing work, Reiki, manifestation work, provisioning. At this point I need further physical & emotional healing, first & foremost. I am down to my last couple hundred dollars & I have past due bills that amount to more than what I have. I also have no car anymore. I don't have a working washer or dryer either, & getting to the laundromat is hard & expensive. I am looking for work & sources of income. I am an accomplished writer, editor, proof reader, office manager, organizational specialist, customer service rep, some sales success, administrative assistant. I have tons of office skills & am a very fast typist. I'm good at social media & word processing but am not an IT person, banker, etc. Those are some of my job skills. I was once Director of Education for a national non-profit education association & have trade show experience. I booked the meeting rooms & hotel needs, airlines, hired the speakers & introduced them & did all on site work, did all compliance work for continuing education seminars. I wrote the speaker profiles, brochures, & course descriptions, handled business meetings, wrote the minutes, etc. I supervised employees & did some of the hiring & firing. If you hear of a job possibility in the Pittsburgh area using my skills, please let me know. I live next door to a bus stop on the Lincoln Loop but sometimes need transportation to events & job interviews. Work from home opportunities & things along one of the bus stops are especially beneficial these days. As a writer, editor, & proof reader, if you have tapes that need transcribing or a book or something else you need written, I'm available. Some of you have a book in you & you need to tell it to someone who can write it. I'm available & able, willing, eager.

Personally, I do Reiki for people & animals. I'm an animal behaviorist, communicator, & medium. I am an empath, psychic, medium, reader, teacher, & guide. I am an accomplished knitter & crocheter, & working on improving my hand spinning skills. I work with the therapeutic properties of essential oils & formulate for individuals as well as common health problems. I'm willing to teach any & all of this. I work on a love offering basis for private things & a small donation basis (compared to what's received) for all else I do. I am a gardener, artist, & work with herbs, flowers, & plants. I am an Elemental Home & Hearth practitioner, & need to teach others. You don't have to be in the Pittsburgh area to tap into what I do or am offering, including Reiki. I do Distance Reiki, & there's Skype, phone, & internet. I'm available through all. I also love having visitors - all you have to do is contact me. I haven't been able to get out to events like the Reiki Exchanges I so love, or Dubravka Bencic's exquisite piano performances, & I truly miss the social life in Pittsburgh.

I care for a family of 6 cats who have been abandoned, displaced, &/or abused. They need Tidy Cats Multiple Cat Instant or Continuous Action kitty litter on a regular basis. They need 9 Lives Plus Care dry cat food regularly. They need the pate style (ground) Friskies or Fancy Feast canned cat food. They like the fishy or strong flavored (like seafood, beef, liver) canned food. They won't eat the chicken or turkey varieties. I'm being very specific because some of the 6 have health concerns, & I've had to learn what touches off their problems vs. what works for them. I've applied for food stamps for my own food needs but it only covers food & I haven't received it for April yet. I'm doing ok on food for now & if I get the food stamps like I did last month, I'll be fine for food. For those who want to learn from me & don't have money they can spend for a love offering, I'll be happy to discuss what I need that you may be able to supply.

Yesterday I went to my friend & neighbor, Sandy Davis, for psychic surgery for my greatest health concern. She is a great healer who works from her home. Every Monday through Thursday she holds healing sessions from 3:00 - 7:00 p.m., at 1841 Lincoln Rd., Pittsburgh. You can find her as Sandra Bear Davis on Facebook or on the Angel Love Light meetups.com. If you have trouble finding her, please contact me. Most of you are connected to me on Facebook & through private message I can help you get in contact with her, or give you my further contact information for any of the above. Sandy delivered the message from the first paragraph as well as performed psychic surgery. Today I can't stop thanking God & the angels & her, laughing, crying (gratitude & joy overflowing), singing, & almost dancing. (I've been so full of all this that I've had trouble getting down to writing this blog.) The healing has begun & I ask you all to help it continue with your Reiki, other forms of energy work, & prayers. Overnight I saw a huge improvement in the condition, but I know the process is just beginning & needs me & others to support it. I can't begin to tell you how serious a problem this was because I won't utter it. It could have removed me from your presence without the intervention. I let fear & shame overcome my judgment & didn't seek help. I let the affect of the sexual abuses from my past keep me from going to a doctor. I tried to work with healing on my own to avoid going. Please don't ever do what I did before yesterday! (By the way, I'd finally gone to a doctor before yesterday, am awaiting test results & treatment options from the medical world. Meanwhile, I got the messages to seek help from Sandy.) The psychic surgery was incredible & so are the results. She drew out the darkness within my body & the causes. She drew out the fear-based energy that had manifested into the physical, a mass. Please understand when I say this that I no longer live in fear based energy. This was a physical manifestation in the present from the fear-based energy I lived with due to my ex, & what lingered through much of 2011. (What I lived 2000 - June 2011 was so bad that I had a mild case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I was able to heal from late in 2011. My ex was removed from my life November 1, 2010 when I put him in jail but I was left with sole care of the vessel that birthed me until the beginning of June, 2011.) Sandy released me from the dark energy & drew it from my body. She released me from the cause, literally erasing the times in my life, the experience of my abusers, & their hold on me & in my life. She put in protections & good energy in the place of the darkness. I felt her drawing out the darkness, felt it leaving my body almost as pain. It was like you experience when you're awake during surgery but numbed. When I had my second C-section, I felt the pulling as the doctor lifted my son from my body. It was something like that. Once that part was over, the felt the Light entering my body from the top of my head downward, & I began to feel light & free, like I could fly off with my beloved lightning bugs. The psychic healing is complete & the physical has begun. Because this was major surgery, I'm asking for support as the physical manifestation healing continues. I await the official medical diagnosis & treatment options & will work with the doctors also. I will use all available aid. There's no way to repay Sandy or thank her enough for what she did for me. She too works on a love offering basis, & is available during the above mentioned times on a drop-in, first come first served basis. She can help with any type of healing that you need - physical, spiritual, emotional.

Lightworkers Remembering Their Gifts, Talents

I have taken classes through Dr. Marjorie Rivera & Sandy Davis in the Pittsburgh area, & had readings. I've also been given private messages from God & the angels about my life's work. One theme that keeps occurring is that in this lifetime (remember, I totally believe in reincarnation) we've brought our gifts, talents, & experiences from other lifetimes within us. We've carried forward the knowledge of past life skills to use in this lifetime.

This really explains a lot to me. I always felt like I was a "jack of all trades, master of none." I have so many different talents & skills in this lifetime, as well as passions & interests. I have more than I know what to do with. It's been a great source of discomfort all my life. It's been & is very hard to settle down to doing things because I tend to flit from one thing to another without mastering any. These urges & passions regularly bubble within me, sometimes to the boiling point. And I'm meeting many others who experience the same thing. On one hand, between all my skills & the various jobs I've had in this lifetime, I'm able to function really well in the world & in all kinds of jobs. And the things that I've pursued & obtained some mastery in have led to some wonderful experiences & joys. I'm just not sure what to do with all of this.

I started playing clarinet in 4th grade. By high school I was very good & music was one of my only passions. I also played the organ, & did some choir singing, conducting & composing. I truly enjoy my musical knowledge. I can name many pieces as soon as I hear them, tell you the name & the composer. I know a lot about classical, jazz, easy listening - I know music from the 40s through the 70s & enjoy it. Yet I never play an instrument any more! I also have talent in drawing & painting, & took lessons for awhile when I was 15. Painting has replaced playing music as my bliss, & seems to be a theme in the second part of my life.

Many of my interests & talents are related, fortunately. I'm very scent oriented & into flowers & gardening. I work with the healing properties of essential oils, make beautiful bouquets, grow roses & other flowers, harvest & preserve them. I have a deep passion for natural harvesting & uses of plants for healing, scent, wreath making, dry arrangements. I've been an herbalist in at least one past life & carry that within me but haven't had a chance to learn what I want to know. I have a deep desire to remember the things the American Indians knew, the pioneers, the "ancient healing arts." I say "remember" rather than "learn" because I believe & have been told that we carry this knowledge within us in this lifetime. Sandy Davis certainly has said it on many occasions.

I also love wreath making & basket weaving. The kin to that is spinning yarn & knitting & crocheting. I love creating with my hands, things of beauty & use. I want to learn more about using plants for natural dyes for yarn & basket making materials. I've gotten into a little of it & it's in my heart, as is all things plant & herbal medicine related, natural harvesting. If you break everything down to colors & scents, you have my current interests. That's the common thread that doesn't take music into account. I listen to music when I do some of these things though. My sense of colors & love of them, & scents, plays through my decorating & the things I love to do in life.

Then there are the healing arts. I am by nature a healer of animals & people. I work with essential oils & have the desire to work with herbs. I am a Reiki practitioner, for helping animals & people. I spend my life giving to others, advice & help, empathetic listening, coaching. I take in cats that have been wounded in spirit & sometimes physically wounded, abandoned. I give them love, stability, security, total understanding. I am careful of my actions, words, movements, & voice. I perform Reiki on them & do all I can to heal their pain. I do that with people too. I was given powers of perception & abilities to touch others with my words & spirit. I was given a gentle, kind, & loving spirit, a huge heart & capacity for loving. I was given a great depth of caring. Reiki has been a wonderful way to channel the needs to give, some of the power that's been given to me to help others. It has never been comfortable for me living with myself but that isn't what I contracted for in this life. I can feel & hurt too deeply & always carry within me restless urges to do more than I'm doing, to be able to do it all, be it all, work it all, live it all.

I have no true idea of all that I am able to do or what all I carry within me in this lifetime. I'm not sure how to unlock what's in me & gain what I need to do these things in this lifetime. And I'm so eager & restless to learn & do. I'm not at all sure what message you will take from this today, but this is something that's been a "topic in waiting" for quite awhile & it seemed the time to tackle it. I hope this somehow blesses your life.

Faith & Belief Need Regular Renewal & Tending

I renew my faith & set my intent every day. Sometimes I have to reset during the day or night. Whenever doubts or fears come on me, or those feelings of dread or impending doom, I fight them with logical faith. I usually don't remember to call on angels for help at that point, but sometimes I pray. Other times I think things through based on my belief system. I do the self talk, & often include talking with God.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm a good person who deserves good in my life. Sometimes I have to remind myself what kind of God I believe in, vs. what my fears are saying. Sometimes I simply have to identify the source of the fear or doubt, realize that it's not reality, it's coming from past conditioning.

The subject of predestination comes up for me often, & did again tonight. (This is being written on April 1.) I happen to believe that I contracted with God before I was born to do certain work in this lifetime for Him, people, & animals. I believe that I contracted for the major events in my life like my childhood circumstances & birth parents, my marriages & my children. Most of my life has had some very painful events but I believe I contracted for them with the confidence that I'd be able to not only survive but benefit from them. And I have. This has given me the "credentials" to help others & the ability to understand the most common struggles others live through, and many less common. I am able to tell many "been there, done that, survived & moved on to thrive & here's how." I also know that I can't relate to everything anyone's been through. I can empathize to a point but that's it. For example, last night my son was telling me of some experiences in Iraq. War veterans never tell all to anyone who hasn't been there. Families are fortunate if when they get bits of pieces & it comes out in small pieces, over the course of years. Those of us on the outside, even closest family, simply cannot fathom their experiences. But most people haven't been to war. They've come from dysfunctional families, have been abused or raped or otherwise harmed, & I can understand most of that. They've struggled to be good people, make something of themselves & their lives, & have had times where they really need help & encouragement. That's where I come in.

I have free will just like the rest of you & everyone in my life. I imagine some of the time I got into trouble in life I was exercising that free will but that the major things happened according to plan. My belief system is a great source of comfort. I believe I have specific work to do & am doing some of it now so I believe that all will be well despite a dwindling bank account & no job interviews set up. When I begin to worry or doubt, that belief system helps me stay in the game & keep doing all I can to improve my situation. I never give up because I believe, have faith. I never stay down or depressed, for the same reason. But this week I'm struggling harder than ever, too much on my plate that needs to be changed to get from where I am to where I need & want to be. I am battling fear in all areas this week - my health, my bank account, my entire life situation. I know where I need & want to be & want to be doing but I can't see how to make it happen. I know that my job is to do all I can every day I can & let the Universe do the rest. I know I have to stay positive & not put those fears out there. This week it's especially hard. And like all of you, I wonder when the good times will get here. It's hard this week to keep believing. Today's tut.com message is again a good one for today. "Thoughts become things. Of course, beliefs are important too, but your thoughts can change what you believe. And words are important, they're your thoughts that will become things the soonest. And taking action is absolutely critical, because more than anything else, it creates expectation." This just emphasizes what I know I need to be doing as far as the mental & emotional part. I have to control my thoughts. Mike Dooley says that positive thoughts are hugely more powerful than negative ones so don't worry when you have a few negative ones. They happen. He said just turn them around & think positive thoughts as quickly as you can once you've acknowledged the negative ones. Just like I tell you, you can acknowledge the negative ones to acknowledge yourself & your feelings. That's the right thing to do, vs. just stuffing them down & denying yourself. That comes back to bite you every time. But don't allow yourself to dwell long in the negative. I'm doing the taking action part by working on my thoughts & words. But I'm not sure what action to take to get myself from my current circumstances to where I need to be, & that's causing great discomfort.

I understand that everyone else has free will also & that my beliefs can't determine someone else's actions or beliefs. When I write these blogs I try to stick to universal truths & laws, life lessons rather than spiritual beliefs. To me, the things I believe are truths & I'm sure of them. Not the daily details or "cursed hows" (if you're not reading Mike Dooley then you're missing out on more than what that reference is), but I'm sure of the big stuff. However, I'm not going to preach those to you. You have to find your own levels of belief, your own truths.

There's much I don't understand yet, like the level of involvement in our lives by God & angels. I do believe that angels will intervene on our behalf if we ask them & that they can't if we don't, because of free will. I know I have beliefs about the level of involvement in my own life, yet I still have questions. The nice thing is, I no longer have to have any of the answers. In 1990 my minister told me not to worry when I told him I no longer know what I believe. He said that it was all there inside me, a whole belief system, & that when I need it, the faith would come forth. He was so wise! Faith is believing without having the answers or knowing the details, & that's where I am. I have faith in the goodness of God, the Universe, life, & people as a whole. I have faith in the laws of manifestation & in myself. Some day I'll have even more faith in myself, & that will be a true blessing. But I'm getting better all the time, & most of the time I live in a state of grace, faith, & gratitude. We are all most comfortable in our regular environment, our "comfort zone." Some people thrive on chaos or stress, & they make sure they live in a state of chaos or stress. A state of grace, faith, & gratitude has become my regular environment, my "comfort zone," my regular dwelling. As soon as I move out of it now I rush back as quickly as I can. These days I often call on the Archangel Zadkiel & on Archangel Michael for help in getting back to where I need to be, regaining my faith & calm. I believe I recently posted a variation on the words Doreen Virtue recommends to bring healing to our lives through Archangel Zadkiel but I don't remember what day that was. You can always use your own words. He helps when we need calm vs. worry, healing of our emotions & thoughts, etc. If you aren't familiar with him, I suggest reading up on him. He's in her book on "Archangels & Ascended Masters." A spiritual bookstore would possibly have a copy you can look at. You could also try looking him up online. I find the information in her book to be so helpful in my life. I rely daily on angels to help shore all parts of my life - faith, direction, action, manifestation energy.

I used to go to bed dreading the next day. I had trouble sleeping because I was plagued with unfinished business, things I wasn't facing during the day that I couldn't avoid thinking about when I shut my eyes. These days I'm addressing things so I don't have that same sleep problem. I usually go to sleep in eager anticipation of the next day's adventure. I love my mornings drinking coffee outside, talking with God & the angels, my teachers & guides. I never know what my day will bring. I don't know what blogs I may be given to write, or what messages & guidance I'll receive. I don't know who or how I'll be called to help others, or who will touch my life in what way. I only know that more days than not, any or all of that happens.

Ever Feel Like a Fake? Forgive Yourself

I blog about how to best live your lives yet mine is far from perfect. I blog about doing all you can every day that you can, but my life has all the ups & downs yours does. My house is never as clean as I'd like, my follow through isn't as immediate as I'd like. I have fears & insecurities, physical & emotional pain & problems. My daughter recently said she felt like a fake for posting her relief at being approved by the insurance company for fertility treatments (IVF) because later that day she got a rejection letter. That stayed with me because that's something that has so plagued me - feeling like a fake.

I'm always working on emotional healing, getting my life more together, being the best me I can be. One of the things I've had to learn is to forgive myself each time I'm not perfect. Just because I write a spiritual & self-help blog doesn't mean I have to be perfect in order to write these things. We all are in the process of becoming unless we're standing still, dead wood. I certainly am not that! But we're also all human, me included.

I'm getting better all the time, in all ways. I'll never be finished learning, improving, growing. I'm learning to forgive myself more every day. I'm learning to accept myself just as I am while striving always to do better. There has to be a balance there between knowing your weaknesses & what you want to improve while allowing yourself to make errors & forgiving yourself for being human, for "mistakes." I need to understand that "mistakes" are an illusion, as is "failure." It's all part of learning & growing & healing & winning. Few people get it all right the first time. We usually learn more from our "mistakes" than we do from getting it right the first time. All the greatest minds & inventors had to work with "trial & error," didn't get it right the first time. The thing is to keep working at it, but not constantly. We need to give our minds time to process between tries, & "time off." I'm almost always "on" but have learned how to turn it off some. Each evening I spend time "decompressing." I'm off the phone & alone with myself & the cats. It's their favorite time because I'm more likely to be in one place for awhile, on the couch with my feet up. It's their lap time. I pet them a little, but mostly I watch TV & do needlework of some kind. I'm minimally watching the TV usually. It's a distraction from my thoughts, gives my mind a chance to download & relax from all the real world stuff in it all the time. The needlework engages me & relaxes me. Another way is to read a book, but these days I'm not reading novels. All I have are books I wish to learn from & that's not relaxing. My evening ritual prepares me for bed so I don't have everything racing around in my head while trying to go to sleep.

My daughter achieved almost everything in life way ahead of the fastest part of the learning curve. She crawled & walked way before most children. But she struggled at it & was always trying to force it. She made herself & me miserable with it, & her father too. My son was an observer. He did everything in about the middle of the learning curve. He'd watch how things were done until he was ready to do them. But even then, he never got it right the first time - it was always on his second try. As I write I picture him trying to tie his shoes for the first time, then the second.

Most of us who ever feel like a fake are the most authentic people out there. Those who truly are fakes try to hide it from themselves & others. It's great to always try to be better than we are, accomplish more, achieve more, be kinder, gentler, calmer, nicer. But we have to balance it. We have to forgive ourselves & give ourselves permission to be less than perfect, not always try to force the issues. We have to give ourselves time off from it sometimes. We have to learn to play & have fun, have balance. We have to rest, have leisure time. My daughter is still a very serious person who can drive herself crazy with things. I used to be the same ways at times. I wish I could move her forward in time to her kinder, gentler self as I became. She's only that way with herself, by the way. She's wonderfully patient with others. She's a complex, beautiful person who does know how to play & rest & have balance & fun. She has so many interests, is so talented & knowledgeable about so many things. It's just that I want more peace for her. She's too hard on herself much of the time, expects too much of herself as much now as when she was a child learning to walk.

Most of us have trouble with patience. That's especially true of those who are driven to advance in life, whether it's in business or spiritual or emotional arenas. We know we need more patience & we want it NOW. My BFF & I have what was a rather private joke until now. We say "Now" in our best imitation of an insistent "meow." They sound so much alike & we both live with multiple cats. It really diffuses the situation when one of us tells the other we're doing it again, wanting it all "now." I never thought I'd learn to be a patient person & I have my moments of impatience but they're few & far between. We can all be taught. Unfortunately, I had to be taught the hard way. I finally learned patience through an 18 month custody battle! It was hard won but well appreciated. Because all of life is "hurry up & wait." I've learned over time to have faith & trust & just keep on doing my part. Because that's all we can ever do, & we have to be as kind to ourselves as we can about it, about the process. All of life is a process. Some think of it as a struggle but I truly see it as a process. I try to stay within the flow rather than trying to paddle upstream. I forgive myself & redirect myself when I start paddling upstream. And when necessary, I get out of the stream & walk where needed to get back to the flow. Learning to live in the flow rather than fight it is the quickest way to peace.

Do True Male/Female Friendships Exist?

Most men would say no & most women would say yes. The best male friend for a female is a gay male. I have 3 close male friends & one is gay, my mentor. My relationship with him is the easiest & most comfortable always. I feel at home with him, in his house, doing things with him, telling him I love him. He thrills me when he tells me he loves me. He always says it back. I'm not sure that he ever says it if I haven't, but it comes easily & naturally to his lips. We're safe with each other because there's no sexual aspect or potential for it in our relationship, no romantic potential. We're free to love each other openly. I won't try to define our relationship beyond the fact that he's my mentor & one of my closest friends. I learn from him all the time, every time we talk. He helps me think things through, gives me ideas. He's my metaphysical mentor so I'm always learning things from him that completely match my interests & passions. He brought me to Reiki & has opened the universe to me. He says he always learns from me too, but I don't know what. We help each other & it's an entirely mutual relationship. I use his car to take him to dentist appointments, make sure he's set afterwards & has what he needs, take care of him if needed. He lets me use his car for errands.

I believe I hurt my other 2 male friends when I wrote the "Never Say Never" blog. One was been doing things for me recently & I believe he was starting to think that I was developing feelings for him. A year ago I made it completely clear that it would never be & don't want to put either of us through that conversation again so I didn't mention that I have a man in my life. Besides, I don't exactly. We talk when he has the time but he's thousands of miles away, I haven't seen him in about 10 years & don't know when I will or what will happen. I don't believe this is the case, but there's always the possibility that we're just in each other's lives by email & phone right now so that we can help each other heal from certain things & move forward with our lives, separately. People come into our lives for a reason, sometimes just for a season. We all know that.

The other man has been my best male friend for about 22 years & I've known him for about 32. I tried to take the relationship further last year & found that we're in 2 different places in life, for one thing. I also found out that the spark between us wasn't big enough to overcome my fears & the damage done to me by my ex. But I haven't found a good way to tell him this. In this case, before writing that blog I should have told him. I just didn't know how.

I've always had a male or 2 as best friends. I thought that's all it was, that they felt the same about me. But none were gay & I've heard from many of them years later that they had wanted more. My ex told me there's no such thing between men & women as "just friends." There's a whole movie about that, "When Harry Met Sally." Men have told me the same thing.

Guys, something you need to know. If a woman thinks you're her best or good friend, that's all she's ever going to want from the relationship. It means you fall more into the "brother" category & there's no passion or romance & never will be. Or there isn't enough to bridge that gap between friend & boyfriend. It's nothing against you - it's taste & chemistry. There are exceptions to every rule but let's talk common reality here. Most women know it immediately or soon after. If you're in the friend category, you stay there. No amount of kindness or giving or tenderness is going to change that. You can do anything & everything for us & it's not going to create that spark. Women are so sensitive to those pheromones & such. You can be so totally turned on by ours but if we aren't with yours pretty immediately, that isn't going to change.

I feel pretty terrible about hurting these men, & I'm not even sure I have. I'm not sure that they read my blogs every day or that they read that one. This is part of why I have trouble being a receiver, am so much more comfortable as a giver. When I act as a receiver, unless it's entirely mutual like driving my mentor to the dentist & then using his car, I feel I owe that person in some way. I feel like a user if they want a relationship with me that I can't fulfill. Please don't read this as sex for dinner or something like that. I don't even want to open that can of worms.

I've had to do some real self talk because I've always had trouble with feelings of guilt if I even think I've hurt someone or used them in any way. One thing my ex taught me is that it's pretty self centered to think that someone is silent in your life for awhile because you did something wrong. He says people are thinking about themselves, going about their lives - it has nothing to do with me. He said people don't pay nearly as much attention to me as I think. And each time I think I've hurt someone & that's the reason for silence, the person has contacted me & said how busy he or she has been. My ex was right. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I'm writing this all out because many of you are like me in this.

I also have to remind myself that I'm not a user & that I'm no better or worse than anyone else. Sometimes I need to receive, but I give also. I give in some way to everyone who gives to me, even if it's simply gratitude. I don't always do everything right, like not telling that one man that there's not enough spark there. But I'm not a horrible, terrible person. I'm simply human. More on this subject tomorrow.

The final answer is yes, straight men & women can be just friends. The man has to adjust his expectations & accept that role for it to work. Each of the guys who have accepted that role were truly into me & we had/have deep & rewarding relationships. One friendship was from high school, way back in 1971. He's married & his wife is a secure woman, not jealous of our friendship. We seldom talk but when we do, it's as if time hasn't passed at all. I carry him in the deepest part of my heart, along with many others. I cry when I think of him & all we've done together, all the ways he was there for me when I deeply needed a friend. He used to come home from college almost every weekend, drive for hours to be there for me. In high school I went through another nightmare, living with my mother. He was everything to me. I'd sit on his lap & cry, & he was the father & brother love I so needed. I had no idea that he wanted more from me, or I wouldn't have been sitting on his lap! But he loves me unselfishly. We also laughed together, wrote songs together, & talked about anything & everything. There's another high school friend I seldom have contact with because his wife is as jealous of me now as she was then. It's a real shame, because these friendships can & do exist without interfering with the love between couples. We all need friends of both sexes to have rewarding, full lives.