P.S. On the Subject of Self-Compassion

The final word of the day came from my biggest success story, my rescue cat, Karma. Today I did an angel card reading for myself (Doreen Virtue's Archangel Michael deck). It was again a fantastic reading, told me everything I needed, especially with the follow up messages. I love it when I go to pull cards for a reading and they fly out or jump out at me. The one entitled "Innocence" hit me right in the chest! As soon as I saw what it was I began to get the message. There was a prayer about forgiving yourself for past mistakes, and you had to insert your own words. What immediately came to me is my feelings of failure including that I gave away my beloved cats to go live with my second husband. It's part of a whole picture that was still bothering me and affecting present behavior and attitudes toward myself. It was getting in the way of showing myself compassion.

Karma quietly climbed fully onto my lap and began licking my arm, settled in fully. As I was petting her she was giving me all her love and trust, and I fully got her message. I'm not the same person I was when I gave away those cats. I've changed and grown, and I've got to acknowledge that and give myself credit. I have to look at who I am now, not the mistakes from the past. Karma is my biggest success story because she came to me injured and abandoned. She'd been stuck on the spine just below her neck with enough force to damage her ability to control her back legs unless on carpeting. I don't know how much time she'd had to heal before then, how much worse it was when it first happened. All I know is that she and her siblings were abandoned in the country at the beginning of November, the beginning of the cold season. I know she was too shy to seek help from me - that she was hiding when her sister screamed at my sliding glass door, seeing the other cats living in safety with me. She came out only after I was petting her sister, talking kindly to her. It was cold, sleeting, and they needed shelter so she came out of hiding.

Karma's had real trust issues. When people came to the house she hid - no one saw her, ever. She's been with me for a year and 9 months now, healed for more than a year now physically. About 4 weeks ago she let one, then another of my friends pet her for the first time. She loves and trusts me, follows me around the house at times, snuggles infrequently. I've still never heard her purr but I might have felt the vibration in her neck once petting her. But I got what she was telling me. She loves me. She trusts me. Then Whiskers came up when she got down. He gently touched my lips with his nose. He likes to get close and smell my breath. He's been with me for 12 years, and that was the final message from the cats at the time. He and I have a deep relationship because I've nurtured it, learned exactly what he likes. I've cared enough to accommodate his personal tastes, I cater to his whims. Therefore we are very closely bonded. He's very eccentric so that's an accomplishment. And I've never had a cat with me this long. And so I saw that I am what they need now, that I'm not the same as I was. I can't redeem what I did no matter how many cats I ever help or how much. But I can change and I did. And so I think I finally forgave myself. Give yourself credit for the changes you've made and base your judgments of self overall on who you are now.

Self Compassion - Part 2 of 2 (for now)

Funny for me to be writing about this because today I again discovered that I still have a long way to go. I've been pushing myself too hard every day, not allowing myself to do anything that I truly want to do, not even being in touch with what I want to do with myself and my time. I've been punishing myself for past mistakes and trying to live up to who know what standards. The messages for today were about forgiving myself and giving myself a break. I also am not good at drawing the line when it comes to giving to those I care about and for. One friend says I give and give until I'm exhausted and depleted, she feels the "empty" in me (very intuitive) and then I give some more. Then I go to bed and sleep deeply to replenish. And I realize she's right.

I've come a long way toward self-compassion though. It started with accepting who I truly am, learning to know myself. I have to say that was easier with the guidance I was getting in counseling than it seems to be these days. I work to know what I need to understand about myself but often feel like I'm looking through a fog. From self-knowledge came self-acceptance and understanding of my true nature, again something I've come a long way with but am still working on. From there I moved to self-love, and self-compassion stems from self-love. However, it's not a straight line process. You again some self-compassion along the way, move back and forth between these stages and pass through some simultaneously.

One of the things I do right these days is no longer expect the worst to happen to me. I've quit waiting for the next God-sized shoe to drop on me for every imagined mistake. Those were usually quite human small slights to another person, that I beat myself up for. I no longer do that. I expect good things and good people, good from others and from life. It's changed my entire attitude, life, and approach toward everything.

I also trust myself. I trust that I can overcome anything. I trust my decision-making abilities, my creative problem solving, that I can come up with solutions and ways to cope. I trust myself to be responsible, and kind and gentle with others.

I've come a long way in not punishing myself for past mistakes, and forgiving myself. I see I have more work to do on that but I'm willing to learn and do the work, make the changes. Part of compassion for self is realizing what you can and can't change, including the past. Change what you can so you can move forward but don't dip into the past. We don't like it when others bring up the past in our significant relationships and hold that against us but we do it to ourselves. That's not healthy. We truly need to treat ourselves as well as we treat others and as well as we expect others to treat us. Most of us with self-love issues treat ourselves in ways we'd never do to someone else. One thing I've done is learn to expect and insist on respectful treatment from others. You don't have to respect anyone else but you do have to treat them with respect, including me. Part of all this is not judging others or yourself harshly. Be and let be, with yourself and others. That goes back to we can change ourselves, some parts, and can only change ourselves. So live in the now and change whatever you can that isn't working for you. It takes a lot of courage, strength, and determination but it can be done. And remember that change takes time - it's not automatic, poof, it's done. But the 2 months or so needed for most people to make a healthy change will pass whether you're working on changing yourself or not. So make the most of what you learn about yourself and change whatever you need to in order to have a better life.

For me it's all about learning to live in the now, rather than regretting past mistakes. I need to be able to face myself in the mirror each day. Part of that is being aware of your true thoughts and feelings about yourself, and your self talk. Even humor counts. After I started working on only positive "I Am" statements, a friend had to call me on self-depreciating humor of the mildest sort. Our humor truly reflects our attitudes, so I'm really glad she pointed that out to me. And back to "I Am" statements. Writing powerful ones to reinforce yourself is so important, as is reading them aloud every day. Over time it alters your thinking, your self-image and beliefs about yourself.

Another thing I did for myself was heal myself from shame. It was a huge weapon used against me all my life by my mother so there was a lot to heal. Now I don't allow anyone to shame me ever. Even as a joke, no one gets away with saying "shame on you" to me. Shame is never constructive. It's destructive of every one's soul, spirit, self. It cuts too deep and erodes the self-image in ways that are very hard to overcome.

I have a few little final tips here. One of the things I'm learning to do is ask for what and need, and set boundaries with people. Another thing I do is pace heavy chores and responsibilities. I don't balance the checkbook, negotiate on 3 bills, and clean out the entire garage in one day. I break up the things I have to do that hurt in the gut. I also take care of what I have that matters to me, people and possessions, so I don't lose them before I have to. I try to buy quality and then take care of it, and to only have quality people in my life. I nurture those relationships and people. I'm usually the one to initiate contact and stay in touch. Instead of letting myself feel down about that, I accept that someone has to have that role and that in most relationships it's me. I understand that it's not whether they desire me or not, but is about them, their style, their lives. The nice thing is, in many of my relationships now it's pretty equal! My final tip is to stop and smell the kitties. I invest myself in them and in my friends and close family. I stop and take time for these things that matter. I also give myself breaks when I need to, to pet a cat or smell a flower, and stare at groundhogs. I also drink in all that's good and loving that comes to me. I understand that the love and trust from the cats, my friends and family, are all precious gifts. I absorb it and use it to feed and nurture my spirit. I actually live with some of the bare minimums of love and attention people need, and always have. So I learned long ago to make the most of all of it that comes to me, to use it survive and thrive.

How to Practice Compassion for Self - Part 1 of 2

Huge subject I've taken on today, and I don't have all the answers by far. But I've come such a long way from where I was, and can tell you how. My beloved uncle used to tell me I'd never amount to a damn. My mother and second ex husband used to give me the message that I was nothing without them, especially my mother. She tried to keep me tied to her and her apron strings, always tried to pull me back. My journey to self compassion started first with my journey toward self love, knowledge, and acceptance. It didn't really start until mid 1991. Mid 1990 I finally started remembering what I lived at the hands of my mother, all the abuse came into focus. In counseling in 1991, my wonderful counselor helped me uncover the brainwashing that occurred, helped me learn the truth about who and how I really am. That was the beginning. As long as we're accepting the messages of others about ourselves rather than really knowing ourselves, we seldom have true love for self, the root of compassion.

It's been a very long journey to get to where I am today. The other day a friend set me to thinking about it by telling me that one of the things she and others admire about me is that I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. I certainly don't. In fact, I have no real idea what others think about me, don't spend time thinking about it. I do know that I have a slight need for everyone to like me but I know that isn't possible. I also realize that those who don't like me have a reason outside of my true self for that. That said, I'd really like to be more sought after among the people I like best, and feel that longing sometimes. I'm a little envious of "inner circle" people, like the ones my Reiki Master keeps in her phone. I really crave closeness to those I love the most, and I crave attention sometimes. I also know that I have some need to be needed. I'm human, and I know my traits and weaknesses. I also know how to manage and control them rather than let them control me. I know myself pretty well now. I still have a long way to go but I work at self love, compassion, and improvement, as well as self healing, all the time. I'm always trying to be the best me I can be. This is a huge drive in me, not because I want to be more loved but because I want to be more comfortable in my own skin and life, and because I want to be of the greatest value possible. However, I've entirely let go of perfectionism. I don't expect it in myself or others.

I also no longer allow anyone to put me in a box, or allow a label to stick if it doesn't fit me. I know I truly don't fit into any box made and that I'm capable of so much. I know that I'm so multi-dimensional and deep that there isn't a box for me. It's funny. I used to think of myself as Bohemian, thought that was pretty cool. Then my son-in-law labeled me as eccentric the night before he married my daughter. That was interesting to me. I wanted to know when I went from Bohemian to eccentric. My daughter shot back that it was the day I got married with a groundhog at the wedding, and of course I had to laugh and acknowledge it. I still like Bohemian better and think it fits more, so that's the one I'm sticking with. I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer, have always been way different than most around me so I'm really used to that. I've come to accept it, have become comfortable with it.

There are certain things we can change about ourselves and certain things we can't. We're born with core traits. I got to see mine in my son when he was in kindergarten. As a young child he was so much like me and around that time a friend pointed it out. I therefore got to see what I would have been like without all the severe abuse. It was awesome to see that a lot of who I am is innate rather than induced. I can't change the fact that I love and feel animals. I can't change my capacity for deep love and feeling and be less so, but I was able to shut off my awareness and sensitivity for the longest time. And during that time I was so much less of myself! It isn't really more comfortable that way either. Now I've learned to manage how I am so that I'm not always experiencing things too deeply for my own comfort. We can learn to work with our innate traits, to benefit ourselves and others. Then there are habits and attitudes, and traits we've taken on by association and those can be changed. It takes awareness, work, intent, follow through, constancy, and determination but it can be done. That's part of the self improvement work I do, but I don't take on too much at once, do it for anyone but myself and God, or drive myself crazy with it. Doing it for someone else rather than because you want to sets yourself up for defeat. Also, you can't really satisfy anyone else with things like that. They'll just find something else they don't like about you. And it doesn't usually stick if you aren't doing it for yourself. Those who quit smoking because of someone else know how easy it is to go back to it no matter how long you've quit once you get really disgusted or are through with that person. Change has to come about for your own comfort level and benefit.

You have to know what you can and can't change about yourself. Then change what you can and accept what you can't. I no longer beat myself up or punish myself for being human or dwell on my mistakes. Instead, I learn to manage and cope with the parts of myself that can have undesirable effects on my life, and change what I can. Every trait we have is a double-edged sword, I'm fond of saying. A great mentor taught me that. It's all in the thrust and slant you put on them. If you have a tendency to talk too much, maybe you should be a public speaker or radio host. Or maybe you simply learn to be a better listener because you use it to realize that others have a need to talk also. In the end, for me it's all about being able to look in the mirror and like the person I see. Some days I do and some I don't. Some days I see my mother looking back at me and that's pretty upsetting. Some days I feel bad about myself, thinking I'm not doing enough to change my life and circumstances. Those times usually come when I feel I'm not acting responsibly enough toward others. As I've said, I've got a long way to go. But I've also come so very far. Tomorrow, I'll give you some practical tips.

Listening Skills 101

Most people think they're good listeners but aren't. There's a big difference between hearing and truly listening. Listening is a necessary skill that has to be developed, and makes all the difference. Most mistakes and conflicts come because of poor listening skills.

Oral communication is a two-way process and great communication requires a precise speaker and skilled listener. Unfortunately, no matter how clearly and accurately you speak, unless you know the skill level of your listener or take steps to make sure you've been heard accurately, costly mistakes can occur. The truly frustrating thing is that most people appear to be listening and retaining information when they aren't. We don't find that out until later. It's a huge burden to a speaker to have to be on guard against poor listeners and that's why I'm writing this blog.

When I was away 2 weeks ago, I had a very nice and willing young lady staying here taking care of the cats. I told her they get a can of food every morning. I told her I open a capsule for Whiskers and that he has the one unique bowl. I then told her I pour the juice from the can into his bowl and only give him a little of the meat, mixing the powder in. I told her I give the others theirs first and his a little separate. I believe I was clear enough, and perhaps even said I divide up the rest of the can. While I was gone she commented twice on the fact that they weren't eating their canned food but were eating the dried food. I figured it was because the canned is served upstairs where it's hot, and they were off their feed with me gone. When I came home I found that she'd been feeding each of them a can a day, rather than dividing up one can. Then it all made sense to me. It never occurred to me to ask how many cans she was feeding.

I believe if she'd been truly listening to me she would have gotten that they just get one can. The mistake cost me an additional $13 in an already overstretched budget. That wouldn't sound like much to you but it's nearly a month's worth of cat food and too costly for me. However, I'm just grateful that she was there taking care of them, so I've had to forget it. I know she was tired at the time she was listening. She appeared to be fully listening, and participated in the conversation. There was no indication that she wasn't using listening skills. I knew better when it came to my recent ex husband but it was still very difficult to handle his inattention. He'd appear to listen but he seldom retained information and often just "wasn't there" when I was talking with him even though he participated. That's the hard part - when someone even participates in a discussion but isn't really listening. I've been guilty of that myself in the distant past. I'll talk about that in a minute. The other thing that really floored me with my ex is that we'd sit together in business briefings and discuss it afterwards. Often what he thought was being said was entirely different than what was discussed. That was scary because we were in a highly regulated industry. I quickly learned that I'd have to retrain him after these briefings.

Back when I participated in discussions but wasn't listening, it was because I was interrupted while deeply engrossed in writing something. I didn't realize I hadn't entirely switched my brain from what I was doing to what was being said. I was "there" enough to even answer but not quite really there, so didn't remember what was said by either of us. My kids used to catch on to that quite easily, try to use it to their advantage. Eventually I learned to recognize when I was doing this and stop the conversation, admit I wasn't fully present, and have the person go back to the beginning. Then I could give my complete attention.

Often we're engaged in thinking something else while someone is speaking, which prevents true active listening. Usually we're thinking about what we want to say when it's our turn or something said makes us think of something else. When we're thinking along either of those lines we aren't fully listening and always miss something. Another problem comes from paying attention to something else while "listening" to someone - the kids, something going on, the TV, computer, or a text. Again, you ARE going to miss something that was said. And sometimes we're just busy thinking our own thoughts about our own interests. In this way we can miss important content.

People don't mean to be inattentive when listening. They simply don't know how to be an active listener. Active listening requires participating in the listening part of a conversation. It's the kind of listening you do in important classes you've taken, when you're working to learn the content of what's being taught. It requires paying full attention and absorbing what's being said, and filing it in your brain while doing this. You're listening for content and meaning, and working toward retention. Many succeed in the listening department and still fail at the retention portion. They fail to make the brain connection needed to store the information. I'm not sure how to tell you to do that other than set intent when you listen.

I know my listening skills aren't great when I first meet someone. I'm so busy reacting to what's being said that I don't retain things like names and ages of children, etc. It's only after I get to know the person and hear the stories again that I listen with the care to retain. It's something I've recently become aware of and will work to change. In this as in all things, awareness of your weaknesses is half the battle toward change.

When communication most counts, there are ways to make sure the full message has been received. You can ask the person to reflect back to you what he/she thinks you said, how you were heard. This is actually a technique in conflict resolution called mirroring. An abbreviated version works in just making sure you were heard, like on the job or when giving other instructions. The full version consists of having your say, then allowing the other person to tell you what he/she heard. You then either agree that the message was received or clarify. The person again reflects this back to you. In this way you go back and forth until you feel you've been understood. Then it's the other person's turn to have his/her say, and the process goes the other direction. It doesn't necessarily solve anything but can be a non-confrontational way to communicate differences and needs. My daughter, the licensed clinical social worker, tried to facilitate this between my mother and me over a year ago to no avail. Instead of listening to me and trying to reflect back, my mother simply took the stance that I always blame her, refused entirely to hear me. Some people truly don't want to listen, no matter how important the message, or how it's delivered. There's nothing we can do about that. And there's nothing we can do to change someone else's listening behaviors. But we can change our own, and thereby avoid a lot of problems. We can also try to teach others.

A final word on listening with your head instead of your heart. Some people allow their emotions to affect how they listen and receive information instead of listening with their heads. Most of us listen to tone of voice and watch body language when available rather than just hearing the words and that's good. The mirroring technique can be used to prevent a misunderstanding among those types of people. Those of us who are very intuitive must work on listening primarily with our heads rather than our own emotions so we don't miss the meanings of the words or switch over to our own thoughts and reactions too soon. Sometimes we allow our emotional reactions to block the message being spoken to us. Truly listening is very important in close emotional relationships, and any time instructions are being given.

We all make mistakes in listening but you can learn to minimize those mistakes. It takes a willingness to give your full attention to the other party with an open mind and heart, to set aside for a moment your own thoughts and needs. It also requires the intent to retain that information. 

Don't Wish Away Today

Most of us spend so much of our lives waiting for the time when things change and get better. When we're young and in school we can hardly wait to grow up and be on our own. When we're raising young kids we can hardly wait for certain phases or chores to be over. We look forward to no longer changing diapers, dealing with the terrible twos, homework issues, the teen years. I touched on this in yesterday's blog. The irony is, that when you've been out of the situation for awhile you look back and finally see the good times and things you missed appreciating at the time.

It's only natural to wish some things away. Some things truly warrant that, too. What comes to mind is living with abuse or poverty, in substandard conditions. People who live those things find all kinds of coping mechanisms to whisk themselves away, to survive. They're healthy, but they become so automatic that we lose control of them. The result is that later it's a very elaborate process to bring forth the things we need to heal from. I've seen it in my own life and I'm witnessing it in another young woman I'm helping. Fortunately for her, we have the same drive to heal and the same goals. We're both determined to heal and release all past hurts and unhealthiness. We've determined to uncover old patterns of thinking and beliefs about ourselves, and change them. I've been working at it for many years now off and on, and steadily for almost 2 years. I'm able to help her with her process, guide and encourage her and love her through it. It's a great honor and I consider what I've been through as a learning ground to help others.

Every time I go back to Maryland I go back to the neighborhood where I raised my children. Each time I go there I'm stunned by how I feel about the area and the life I had there. What amazes me is that each time I feel I've come home. Yet while I lived there I often failed to appreciate what I had, and I was so very eager to leave when I did. Part of what played into that was my feelings about Maryland itself. Most of the time I lived in that state (38 years) I didn't want to be there, at least partially. I never wanted to move there in the first place, and I never entirely let go of that. I moved there when I turned 15. By then I'd already lived in 4 different states, gone to 4 different schools, and lived in 7 different houses or apartments. I was established in a high school I loved, taking sophomore courses as a freshman. The move caused me to leave a vast number of friends, lose course credits, and go back to junior high. I moved to the D.C. area of Maryland and it was a zoo compared to what I was used to, which was a much more conservative area and people. So I held it all against Maryland.

When I was pregnant with my first child I moved to the Annapolis area and started liking the state much more. But I didn't end up liking the house we chose and I was unhappy in my marriage. It was about an hour from where we had lived so I had to make all new friends and was a stay-at-home mom, and we didn't have enough money. During my 19 years living in that house I had so many difficult struggles and by the time I left I was burnt out and eager to get away. That led me into the arms of my 2nd husband, who ended up being my 2nd most abusive relationship (my mother being the first). This is why the sense of home when I return amazes me. By the time I left I had a real love/hate relationship going with the house and my life.

Around 2007 my daughter moved back to that neighborhood, which caused me to start visiting the area again. That's when I first realized that it truly had been home. I began to fully see and appreciate the life I'd created there. I returned to the church where I raised my kids, and my church family welcomed me with all the love I remembered. I still have friends in the neighborhood, and wonderful memories. Several visits purged me of the unpleasant memories, the ghosts. Now all that remains are the good times. The pain fades with time. If I want to, I can pull out the bad memories. They aren't gone, but the pain is. It's like viewing something from afar, not being touched by it. And now the things that come to mind are all the best times and the only pain is that I miss them, and some of those involved. Those are the things that can still make me cry. But even that fades with time. Time really does heal, and bring perspective. It's only natural and you don't even have to work at that one.

On this trip I was drawn to the last place I lived in Maryland, on my way home, and gave in to it. It's where I lived with my 2nd husband, the abuser. It's the 2nd time I've visited the home I left behind, and this time it was very healing. I found myself crying the whole time I drove up to the place and around it. Instead of shutting off my feelings, or rushing myself, I gave in to it all. I allowed memories of all the places along the way to fill me, and remembered things like walks along the country road. As I've done at my old house in the Annapolis area, I drove slowly and tried to determine what I created that was preserved by the new owners. While there I had truly put down roots, bonded with the land and the animals. I dug in the soil and created beautiful gardens of lavender and roses, bushes and flowers. I never loved the house itself because it never felt like mine. I had moved in with him into what had been his mother's home. It stayed her house and her stuff no matter what I did. But I so fully loved the area and became a part of it. I left part of myself behind in my gardens and what I created there. I cried as I released the painful memories and embraced the good ones. And I mourned my loss, which is also a necessary step.

I hope this hasn't come out as a hodge podge of emotions and thoughts. What I'm trying to tell you is that as much as you can, you need to appreciate the present moments. You need to appreciate what you have when you have it because each moment is gone in the next. I've always found it difficult to stay in the present. For many years I stayed focused on the past while wishing the future would hurry up and get here. It might sound like that's what I did on this trip but it's not. This trip ended up being about acknowledging, releasing, and healing the past. It was jolting but healthy. It provided perspective. It's also caused me to examine how fully I'm living in the present now. Doing that means stopping to enjoy whatever you can that's around you, appreciating what is rather than what you what you want to change. Looking at things with change in mind brings progress but we also have to learn to appreciate the beauty of what is. Truly stop and smell the roses before you decide to prune them. Watch the sunsets and the gaze at the stars. Stop and enjoy the breeze, and thank God for all as you do these things. And of course, please appreciate all the good people in your lives. And tell them exactly how and why you appreciate them, regularly. These are all conscious choices we can all make on a daily basis.

To Parents of Young Children

I started writing this blog in my head and heart as I was returning from Maryland on Sunday. I was there for the wedding of my youngest, now 25. I have 2 children and my oldest has been married for 6 years. When my daughter got married in 2006 I was just fine, although of course it was very emotional. All my emotions were happy ones. This time, many of my emotions were very painful. In talking with my ex, their father afterwards he pointed out that I was suffering "empty nest." He's right but it entirely took me by surprise because my youngest left the nest long ago. I mean, come on. He's been fighting in Iraq twice!

Some of the pain I felt was so much regret that my time of raising them is over. I know you're never done being a parent, but things change when your children become independent. Your role in their lives changes drastically. When they were young I did my best to give of myself to them and fully participate in their lives without being too hands on. I barely ever dated or had activities outside of working when I was a single parent, for example. I went out with my best friend and played on the weekends the kids were with their father. I provided all the enrichment activities I could and was present for them. I knew the time would come when they needed and wanted me around less and less. So while they still did, I gave them all I could.

But one of my biggest regrets is all the years I couldn't wait for some of their phases and stages to end. I robbed myself of a lot of the enjoyment with those attitudes. Another attitude I regret is that feeling that it was my job to train them, mold them, teach them to be good people. The best they learned, they learned by example, not drilling, punishments, or hassles. And I deeply regret the times I ever shamed them, caused them to feel shame.


Raising kids can be torture at times but I've again found my heart breaking, aching to go back in time. I want to hold them again, and do a better job of nurturing. I want to read and sing to them even more often, laugh with them, play with them. I want to not take everything so seriously all the time, including their mistakes and behaviors.

Overall I did so much of a better job as a parent than was done for me. In that I entirely succeeded. And overall I did a pretty good job. My children are beautiful, loving, giving, caring, wonderful human beings. I'm so very proud of both of them. My son spent the morning of his wedding in the hospital because of heat exhaustion. I was worried, but comforted by the fact that my daughter had taken him and stayed with him. She is so competent, and such a wonderful caretaker! I knew he was in the best hands. I knew she would totally look after him, that I could trust her with my precious on his special day. The wedding started a little late because he was later getting to the venue than planned but that was fine. He was able to be fully present once he got there, so it all worked out. As I said, it was hard for me. My first sight of him since the end of August 2010 was just before the wedding started. I knew I wouldn't have individual time with him that day, perhaps wouldn't during the trip. He now lives in Iowa, was just in Maryland for a few days and lots of people wanted time with him. I'm more fortunate when it comes to my daughter, whom I end up spending at least some time with several times a year. We also talk more frequently. You know the difference between women and chatting and phoning vs. men.

I've been fortunate to develop a beautiful adult friendship with my daughter. She's become one of my very best friends and it's mutual. This is something that we did with purpose, not something that fell into place. When she was ready, we had a heart-to-heart weekend in person. She got to bring up anything and everything from her childhood that she had issue with. I explained where I was coming from and she listened. When needed, I apologized from the bottom of my heart, which was the case with most of her issues. She also told me of perspective she'd gained from life on things she'd wrongly blamed on me. And she allowed me to bring up a few things too. It was a time of intense healing. And we also did some of our favorite things together that weekend, like cook and bake. We did the things that further bonded us besides the difficult stuff, but we totally faced all the difficult issues. From time to time I'm reminded of mistakes I made (not by her, by my own thoughts) and apologize to her again. Her answer is always the same - no need, we've covered it and she understood and forgave long ago.

My relationship with my son has always been different than with my daughter. Each child has a different personality and there truly is a difference between the sexes and how we relate to them. As adults, our relationship is perhaps even more different than when he was a boy. As a man he really sees and feels things much differently, and his adult male role is so different. Since I don't have a mate, he tends to feel protective of me, for one thing. I guess that's a small shadow of what happens as parents move into old age and can no longer be fully responsible for themselves, when the caretaker/child roles reverse. (Although of course I'm far from that stage in life!) Because we communicate so infrequently, we aren't up on each other and our lives. The love is there as always but the constancy and immediacy is entirely gone and that's been hard for me. I love that I know many of my daughter's friends, activities, thoughts, and feelings. That's the level of involvement I crave with both my children and always have. But as a parent, our biggest job is actually to love them unconditionally and to give to their needs to the best of our abilities. And one of their needs is independence and freedom. All along I did my best to raise them to soar, to fly on their own, and succeeded.

I've said nothing about their father. They were young when I divorced him so we raised them more separately than together. I can tell you that a united front is the best way to raise your kids if you can, to work in harmony rather than against each other. I hear of so many situations where the kids play one parent against the other or parents undermine each other. That teaches kids terrible things. Obviously their father did a great job also or my kids wouldn't have turned out so well. In this paragraph I'm talking about recent observations from the lives around me.

The memories that mean the most to children involve the most personal giving moments. There's the prayer her father wrote for my daughter when she was born. From me she remembers "girls' night out" to stay connected after her brother was born. They both remember slumber parties with me, and our New Years Eve parties. Weekends they were home I'd pull out the hide-a-bed and we'd stay up late and watch movies and have movie theater type snacks, then sleep in the hide-a-bed together. We changed it up for New Years Eve with the kinds of snacks you'd find if you went out to a party. They also remember that I read to them at night even after they were old enough to read. They or I would pick a book or series we would both enjoy and share them, things I'd never read before. And they remember especially the lullabies I would sing them when putting them to bed. They were quite old before I stopped that too, only when they were ready for it to end. I'm not sure if they remember or still have the scrapbooks I made them, full of magazine photos of their favorite things. That was something I created and gave to them vs. times I shared with them. That makes a big difference in creating those memories. One of the special bonding moments between my son and his wife was over a melody I made up when reading to him. The book is called, "I'll Love You Forever." Over and over it reads, "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as you're living, my baby you'll be." I made up a melody I can still hear which is why I know I quoted it exactly. I used to sing it instead of read it, because the book said the mother would sing it to the boy. Turns out his wife's mother did the same thing reading to her and the melodies are so similar!

If you do reasonably well with your children and are as loving as you can be, 2 things imprint on them most. One is the example of the sum total of your actions, how you conduct yourself. And the most precious and special imprints come from those times you just give of yourself and back it with all your love for them.

My Multi-Faceted Rx for Coping Problems

I have a friend who is very spiritual but she's entirely lost her faith in intent and manifestation. I have another friend who was faithfully doing her "I Am" and manifestation statements daily for awhile, then quit doing most of it. Eventually after she quit she developed coping problems. And the people I see who often have coping problems are those who've never developed the habit.

Last week I was out of state for my son's wedding. I knew I'd be super busy and that I wouldn't have time to stick to my routine so I didn't take my statements with me. I prayed for others and myself most of the days I was gone but that was it. I also didn't get enough rest or sleep while I was gone, and some days didn't hydrate enough. By the time I got back I felt like a mess and had trouble coping with problems that arose.

The first things I'm going to tell you that help with coping problems is sticking to a routine as much as possible. As an artist and totally creative personality I've resisted the idea of routine most of my life. Yet that's what I put in place for myself when I need to be efficient, so it's truly the idea that I feel resistant to. The more I work with routine and tools the more comfortable I am. I have a basket I carry up and down the stairs, as I've said. I use it as a staging area to make sure I have what I need with me. I use it to conveniently carry things from room to room. I collect things to be put away or worked on, and put them away or carry them to where I'll work on them. My other big staging area is my purse and a tote if I'm going out. All this allows me to be organized, efficient, and to avoid going into a room and wondering what I'm there for. Come on, you know that happens to you, too. So having routines and systems are comforting and help us avoid a lot of stress.

I know people who regularly try to function without down time and on only a few hours sleep each night. I used to be one of them, and can tell you the great difference sleep and down time make. I look back on the first months after I separated from my first husband. I was working full time and single parenting, and never got enough sleep or rest. It becomes a vicious cycle of stress you don't even recognize. The longer you go without sleep and rest the more stressed you become. Then you stay up later and later trying to find time for yourself, ways to cope with the stress. Many do that by spending hours on Facebook playing games and interacting with those up late. It may feel good at the time but it only increases the stress cycle. I have to say I wasn't doing that back then - I'm talking 1990. I don't remember what I was doing up so late besides laundry and dishes. Those are good and necessary things but I only broke the stress cycle when I found ways to get it all done and still get more sleep. Staying hydrated is also important. If I remember correctly, our bodies are something wild like 78% water. If I'm wrong, I'm not that far off. Every function of our bodies needs water to flush our systems so they work properly and we stay healthy.

And speaking of down time, journaling really does help. A few weeks ago I started a young woman on journaling as a coping mechanism and I'm thrilled to report that she too has quickly gotten great results. It's really cleared her thinking. She came to me for answers, for an intuitive angel card reading, telling me of her confusion. I was able to pinpoint her issues for her and give her things to work on. Yet a week later she was again telling me of her confusion, wanted another reading. However, when I suggested journaling at the first session she listened and began. A week after our second session, she told me she'd found the answers thanks to the journaling. As I told her in the second session, she really did have the answers inside her, really did know. She just needed to get in touch with her self.

I can't tell you often enough how important it is to work with "I Am" and manifestation statements, and angels. My personal angel work comes straight from Doreen Virtue, but I've added or subtracted a little to make it my own. I've paid attention to the prayers on cards I've drawn that were right on my need. I also looked up who helps with what in her book, "Archangels and Ascended Masters." I got back late Sunday night and started back with all this yesterday. I felt so down and defeated in ways that I could barely make myself do the "I Am" statements. Remember, I start with prayer, then greet my angels, teachers, and guides. I did those things some days while I was gone. Then I read my "I Am" statements aloud, move onto manifestation statements and angel work, all aloud. I felt like I couldn't possibly read those things when I felt like I couldn't cope, felt so overwhelmed. But I made myself do it and felt so much better for it. I don't feel entirely back to normal but I'm getting there after 2 days of it. I went for 6 days without it and have been back to it for 2 days. Just that break made all the difference between being able to cope and feeling scared, lost, and alone. My head knows better but my heart and spirit didn't. Of course it didn't help that I was also low on sleep and fluids, and had to face coping with situations that piled up and arose while I was gone. But it really gave me a chance again to see the dramatic difference my  devotional time makes. I felt different once I restarted, even without catching up on my rest, sleep, and hydration at that point. So of course I needed to pass this insight on to you.