Opportunity from Rock Bottom - Part 2 of 2

We do truly create our own reality and I've talked about this before. The last time I discussed it in detail was January 8, 2013. Tomorrow I'll post the follow up I was writing to that post and couldn't quite finish. As I said yesterday, that theme has been showing itself to me very dramatically, especially all through January. I'll come back to this. I was doing a lot of things right to try to change my reality, but a whole lot wrong based on past messages and learned behaviors. I really have made tremendous progress in healing my inner self. I didn't really realize, though, how badly I was treating myself. It's a lifelong pattern, perpetuating abuse upon myself as a learned behavior. When you slip back into those old patterns, and start using old coping mechanisms that no longer serve you, you entirely lose track of what you're doing and why. That's how it becomes a trap.

I wasn't taking care of myself, despite the fact that I teach that we aren't unlimited resources. I'd fallen back into giving myself the bare minimum of care to survive. I kept telling myself things would get better in my life, without changing the pattern I was playing out. I was also entirely denying myself the things that fuel my energy, which are creative endeavors. I was feeding my soul with daily prayer, meditations, and things - part of what I was doing so right. However, I was denying my spirit what I need to thrive - my art and crafts. I was too focused on making myself do the things I thought I should first. The problem is, there will always be more of those - they never get done. As soon as you finish one "important" or "urgent" thing, another comes up. That's modern life. It's worse when you're struggling for survival. What I was doing was the equivalent of how some people bargain with God. "If I promise to do this, and this, and this, please..." I was making myself do all "this" and "that" and not allowing myself time for self care or for my passions and interests. I lost my ability to cope and help others when I persisted in this, and got myself into a very desperate state.

Monday night when I hit rock bottom and began reaching out, God met me at my point of need. Because I'd been doing that part right, I recognized it. Because I've been trying to learn the lessons as they come, heal myself, and be aware of what wasn't working, I recognized the opportunity to build when presented. I won't go into all that wasn't working, but one of the things that became apparent to me in January is that I need to start working Creative Wellbeing Fulfillment again, and find other home based businesses and ways to create a healthy income flow. I've been working to help someone start multiple businesses and getting very frustrated in the process because she was not participating in this. Therefore, my efforts to make money helping (which I was relying on) haven't been manifesting as promised. That's when my business dreams started to revive, and I began praying in earnest about them. I shared them with some friends, and true to form for me, found support for these feelings, and shared goals. I've been "holding the space" of getting these businesses started for each of us along with these people since. I've been helping them as I've been setting intention for myself - always a good thing, especially for a giver. As I've said, I'd been getting quite a lot of it right. The problem was, I had so many key things wrong, like focusing on lack for so long. I understand why, that it's so human, and I'm not beating myself up about it. Instead, I'm doing something about it.

When I checked into the Site Nite program it sounded like something I really needed. It was something about how to get unstuck in your life and create prosperity, the life of your dreams - something like that. I've heard it all before, I thought. Still, I knew I was called to go and was looking forward to it. When I got there I was happy to see a charming lady I've discussed essential oils with every time we're both there. Then I saw that the front table had a display about doTerra Oils and figured that the program had been switched. I've sat through so many business opportunity and sales presentations, and that wasn't what I'd come there for - wasn't the promised program. Still, I wondered if this meant it was time for me to give up my reserve about the quality of the oils and sign up to sell them when I got some money together. Remember, part of Creative Wellbeing Fulfillment is my own essential oil blends made into spa-type products to help with common problems. Remember too, I'd been getting the message and setting intent to start my own businesses.

It turns out it was the promised program, not a sales or recruiting presentation. I also discovered that this woman was one I'd thought of taking classes with on Law of Attraction and such. She reached me and many others during her presentation when she shared oil blends with us and their uses with positive affirmations. She shared which oils were in the blends and why, the uses of each. All of it was just what I needed to be hearing, and I was very impressed with her oil usage and knowledge. Most people look for signs in threes. I get them in multiples beyond threes if you count every single one, the small and major, and Tuesday night was no different. One of the final signs was when she passed around two vials of lavender essential oil. One vial was what I considered the absolute best I've ever encountered, my measure of the quality of lavender oil, and the other was doTerra. When I smelled that ultimate oil and compared it with the doTerra, for the first time I noticed a sharp and artificial note in my former favorite, and how much stronger and more pure the doTerra was. It was the sniff-test equivalent of speaking my language, and convinced me that the company claims are true. Remember, I've been working with a variety of oils for 17 years now. Afterwards I told her that was the ultimate test for me, and I'm ready to sign up to sell the oils as soon as I get the money together. I was told how I can start up without the cash, and start making money right away. That was the final sign for me that the tide had turned because that's exactly what I need. That's the beginning to the answer of starting my businesses - how, what, and when. It's also the beginning of the answer to my income needs. Earlier that day, I'd also been given a lot of insights in riding around with a friend for about 3-4 hours. That friend was talking about living her dream - freelance writing, working on her novel, putting her energy every day into making this happen. She dropped out of academia after going all the way through college to almost completing a doctorate degree, so that she could live a life in alignment. She's doing what I want to do, and we discussed that I can too. The doTerra is doing with her oils and businesses what I want to do, and I know she can help me do the same.

It's all starting to come together all at once because I hit rock bottom, but was working toward better along the way. I was doing a lot right, and kept trying to build a better life for myself. I was trying to heal myself. I learned so much along the way, and was ready to take this opportunity to create change and finally build the life I want. All that energy that I've been putting into survival is now starting to go into creating the changes I want. I'm getting back on track with intent and all the things I know to do. I've become aware of how punitive I was being with myself and am in the process of stopping that, choosing healthy giving to myself and self care. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm not going to expect that. I'm allowing myself the time to make the changes, keeping positive with myself. That means I'm no longer perpetuating the idea that I have to wait for what I want in my life or further "pay my dues." I don't have to get all the nasty stuff done like bills and housecleaning, before I do things for myself like a nice soak in the tub, pleasure reading, or painting. I don't have to do all the "shoulds," which never GET done, before all but the most minimum "wants." My biggest goal at this point now involves giving to myself rather than giving to others. That never means I'll neglect others. I don't have that in me and that would also be denying one of my big needs. It means I'm now focusing on being good to myself and true healthy pleasures instead of just surviving. I'm in the process of switching my focus and therefore my behaviors. I'm starting to treat myself with the kindness, respect, and consideration I always give to others no matter how they behave!

Opportunity from Rock Bottom - Part 1 of 2

Monday I hit my personal rock bottom. What constitutes rock bottom differs for everyone, as does how you get there and how long it takes. Sometimes you feel it coming, and you aren't sure what/where that breaking point is. I think "breaking point" is a good definition of what "rock bottom" is. Until you've reached that "make or break point" or "breaking point," you truly haven't hit rock bottom yet. Mine has been coming on for a long time now, and accelerated in December, then really started rushing at me through January. By the end of January it was inevitable, despite everything. I held it off for a very long time through many coping mechanisms, some very unhealthy, some very healthy. I happen to be very good at my unhealthy ones. I learned them well, very early in my childhood. I know how to go numb and totally deny myself. I was taught that everyone else matters and I truly don't. I was taught to absolutely invalidate my own needs, feelings, and experiences, hence got very good at numbness. I was also taught that the only way I could gain any value or esteem in life was entirely based on my performance and success in all areas of life, duty, and service to others.

I recognize now that I brought "rock bottom" on myself with these unhealthy coping mechanisms, and we'll revisit that topic tomorrow. The fact that we create our own reality is a huge topic in itself and one I've been avoiding. Because I've been avoiding addressing it as I've seen it all around me, it kept recurring and that's why I wasn't blogging. I couldn't see how to address the subject without stepping on too many toes, or how to do it adequately. What I didn't realize was my own lessons coming back at me. I know all these things. I know the way life really works. I teach these things to others. But at times, I get caught up in not living them, and that's when they start cropping up all around me. I know we create our own health and reality but I was creating the opposite of what I want and need. So, the subject started dramatically showing up all around me. Plus, I most saw it in an individual who now greatly impacts my life.

My healthy coping mechanisms involve prayer, faith, meditation, reaching out to others for what I need, Reiki, resting, and so many other things. However, I got totally locked into trying to work my way out of my mess the only way I could see to do it, which wasn't from a position of strength or healthy sense of self by then. I started living those old messages and one of the worst things I did was entirely deny myself any more than the bare minimum of care or what I needed. I was also completely focused on lack, which only creates more lack. Again, I know better. Plus, I've done so much work on myself to heal from and release, overcome those old messages. Those of us who have been severely abused will never be completely over it. I've got to be honest with you about that. It's like a person-sized onion. You can heal and peel away layer after layer but it's still going to be there in your self and your experiences. That certainly doesn't mean it's hopeless or that it continues to hurt. The more you work at it the better you get, the less often you hurt, the less it hurts then, and the better you're able to make healthy choices. However, those tendencies toward self-perpetuation continues and you have to educate yourself, heal yourself, and work at making conscious choices instead of reacting. You have to pay attention to your first response and instincts, especially about other people and situations. For example, co-dependency - something I thought I broke the bonds of and harshly learned otherwise because of that. My second marriage was entirely co-dependent, even more than the first and way more disastrous in many ways. Yet, I thought I broke the bonds of co-dependency when I asked for my first divorce and ended that co-dependent relationship. It's like true alcoholism. You can consider yourself to be rather "recovered" the more years you've gone without a drink but you can never consider yourself cured and let down your guard or go back to it. We become addicted to those unhealthy patterns learned.

One of the problems with my unhealthy patterns, as I've said before, is that the world applauds and welcomes them. Everybody loves a giver. Additionally, I am also by nature, not just nurture, a giver and a servant personality. Not all givers or servant personalities have these unhealthy tendencies. My problems came about from the training that I was nothing and didn't matter, was entirely invalid. The problem wasn't from my overall nature, it's what I was taught about myself. I'm great and fine toward others, and if I continually did as my wise licensed clinical social worker daughter advises (she too needs to practice what she preaches here, by the way - like mother, like daughter, nature vs. nurture), I'd be as good, kind, and giving toward myself as I am toward others. I am now entirely working toward that.

Monday night I realized that I was at rock bottom, or it certainly felt like it, and I was. My responses were quite healthy at that point, although still bare minimum. I postponed making a major decision I couldn't think through, figured out that I needed expert help, plus I reached out to the one person who can always help me no matter what. The one person who knows me better than any other, and even better than I know myself, lives in Maryland. She's been my closest, most valuable friend for nearly 22 years. Thanks to my lovely daughter, we finally met, and very quickly became this close. We used to visit and talk daily, something that's entirely counter to my normal patterns and personality. She's one of the healthiest things I've ever done for myself, letting her the whole way into the bottom of my soul and self. That was major because at the time I was hiding the childhood abuse from myself, and still felt that I was dirty-stinking-rotten at the bottom of my hidden soul, that it was so dirty and so deep even I couldn't find it. Monday night I realized I needed my human life-line, so I texted her. That was kind of feeble, I now realize. I simply said I need her, and a sounding board when she had time to call, knowing she then wouldn't call that night. Fortunately, I'm used to knowing when God is reaching down His Hand to help me at my point of need, and He always does. Many of you simply don't recognize it or take the opportunity. So I made that feeble attempt to reach out to her, and was thinking of reaching out to another very helpful friend. I was trying to decide whether to text or send a private Facebook message, either of which would have been equally feeble, when he texted me. He asked me if I was going to the local Site Nite presentation the next night, offered me a ride home. Those in the Pittsburgh area, if you don't know about Site Nite please ask me or look them up on Facebook - wonderful programs. I'd forgotten about Site Nite coming up the next day, but said yes, I was going, because I've learned. Every time someone has asked me if I'm going or offered me a ride, there was a reason I was supposed to be there. I never know the reason in advance, I've simply learned and take it on faith now. I know God has something great in store for me if I pay attention and go, and I always do. My first impulse is to check what the program is, and has been to think about whether I can really spare the $2.50 or $3.50 to ride the bus (that's how bad things were). Then I remember that the question of whether I'm going means I'm supposed to, and I start looking forward to the major blessing, the adventure of finding out what it is.

Last night I finally talked with my friend in Maryland, the one who knows me best and loves me most, who always has my highest good, with no personal agenda, at the core of her heart. We talked for two hours or more, and I got exactly what I needed at the time. I was also healthy enough to request more frequent talks, to express my true need for her more present in my life on a regular basis. You have to understand that her life is busy and until recently, has been very hectic. She's also my twin in many ways, and seldom reaches out no matter how much she needs or wants me. She too often doesn't take the time for herself, take care of her real needs. She too often only gives herself the bare minimum, and struggles with co-dependency, is an ultimate giver. It's one of the reasons we were able to become so deeply close so fast - how much alike we are. When you understand one of us, you pretty much understand the other, at least basically. I've heard a lot of gems in the two days after I hit rock bottom. She and I discussed the whole thing and all the aspects of what's been happening, why, and what I'm going to do about it. One of the gems came Tuesday night at Site Nite. The lovely lady presenting the program said that self-healing is a service we give ourselves so we can share it with the world. I'd never quite heard it put that way before, but that entirely speaks my language so stuck with me, and I therefore internalized it. For me, the key words are "service" and sharing with the world - alignment with my life mission. Last night, my friend said that "rock bottom gives a solid foundation to build upon," just after I explained my plans to improve my life from here. It's something she heard one time that stuck with her, and she gifted it to me for my use in my mission to help others improve their lives. I love the imagery and the truth in that statement, the hope and promise. Tomorrow, part 2 - what I'm doing to create change and improvement. I'll start with unhealthy coping mechanisms and move into the good stuff!

Simple Grounding & Chakra Clearing Meditation

The beauty of this meditation is that it doesn't have to be long, need tools other than your mind, can be done any time, anywhere without anyone else knowing you're doing it. You need to do it, at least briefly, whenever you feel overwhelmed, fuzzy, dizzy, or need extra strength or energy or clear thinking.

I learned about chakras through Reiki. There are many but we're generally concerned with the 7 major ones. They push vital energy throughout the body. Negative thoughts clog your chakras & restrict the flow of energy. For full vitality, your chakras need to be clear & balanced - as in, all the same size, and clear colors. The root chakra spins slowest and crown chakra spins fastest. They spin in a clockwise direction. If you were above your body looking down through your head, your chakras would appear as spinning fans lying flat in your body. In other words, you'd be seeing the fan from the front. If you were standing in front of someone, it would be like seeing just the outer rounded edge of the fan.

The first is the root chakra, located at the base of your spine. The rate it spins creates a ruby red color. It relates to security issues like finances, career, home, family, physical safety, possessions. The second is the sacral chakra, located half way between your naval and the base of your spine. The rate it spins creates a beautiful orange. It relates to cravings for physical pleasures, addictions, your body (sleep, appearance, thoughts of self). The third is the solar plexus chakra, located behind the naval according to Doreen Virtue. I often find information saying the sacral chakra is more there and the solar plexis is under the breasts. Where it is, is not so important right now. Go by feel and approximate location for this. The rate is spins creates a brilliant yellow like the sun. It relates to feelings of power, control. Fourth is the heart chakra, located in the center above the breasts. The rate it spins creates a beautiful shade of green. It relates to relationships, attachments to people, love, forgiveness or unforgiveness. Fifth is the throat chakra. The rate it spins creates a beautiful sky blue. It relates to speaking your truth, communication issues, asking for your needs to be met. Sixth is the third eye, located in the center of your forehead above your eyes. The rate it spins creates a pure, deep indigo blue. This is the portal to your truest & highest self, the true you. It relates to your past, future, & beliefs. Seventh and last is the crown chakra, located inside the top of your head. The rate it spins creates a vivid royal purple. It's essential to "clear knowing," intuition, receiving messages from God and the angels, spirituality, trust.

The meditation is to start with the root chakra. Visualize it glowing clear red, at the proper speed (just think proper speed), completely clear. Then visualize sending it's energy through your feet, down into the ground, to the center of the earth, and anchoring it at the center of the earth to ground you. Do the same thing with each chakra on the way up, and picture them the same size (whatever that is) as the first chakra - orange, yellow, green, sky blue, indigo, and royal purple, from approximately the appropriate locations.

With this meditation you're doing three things at once. You're working to clear each chakra energetically, and to make them all the same size. This facilitates the best flow of energy throughout your body and spirit. If they aren't clear or all the same size, you have restricted flow of energy which leads to problems. We all have negative thoughts and problems at times but the accumulation of them clogs the chakras and causes some to shrink, restricting flow. The reason I told you what issues relates to each chakra (really in very brief and general terms) is to give you an idea of how different ones can be affected by different problems or negative focus. Personally, I have trouble with my first three chakras and the throat chakra. Since you know certain things about me and my concerns, you can figure out a lot of why. The third thing this does, is ground you, hence calling it a grounding meditation. It grounds your energy flow. So you really create a lot of good with your intent and mind, in this very simple, quick process. If you have any questions, let me know. For further information you can certainly Google chakras, although there's so much information out there that I don't recommend it.

This comes to you from an email I prepared for a friend, after walking her through this last night. She's never heard of chakras before so needed to have this spelled out for her so she can do it on her own, frequently. I'm going to try to give you more regular blogs from now on, but college is in session and again I've got a job now.

Where We Dwell, We Create Our Reality

Most people hate this idea but it's entirely true. We do create our own "reality." It's based on where and what we dwell on in our thoughts and spirit. We all attract more of what we dwell on, and create a state of being based on that. If you dwell on the wrongs done to you, without meaning to, you create and attract more of the same. We've all had people wrong us, and "fate," karma, life. No one is without hardships, some more than others. Those who are "down and out" just seem to sink deeper and have more and worse things happen. That's because that's where their minds are and what they've begun to expect out of life and others. Even the "haves" have a lot of problems and issues depending on what they value and care about. Recently I've been around some very negative people, which has prompted this topic. One person has had people stealing from him. Now he sees thieves around every corner, accusing those who are innocent, imagining things stolen when nothing has been. He's so concerned about it that he's driving away those who would help him. It's very sad to see him so focused on this that he drinks away his days off. He's miserable. He's got a great job he loves with a great salary, a large home, lots of really nice things. Yet he lives very small, because he's not trusting or loving, sees "bogeymen" around every corner waiting to steal his possessions. In part, he's dwelling on the possessions, and the things wrong in his life rather than making positive changes.

I know many who are locked in their dramas. That's where they dwell so they attract more drama. They attract and create it. Whether you realize it or not, you get what you expect to get. No matter how miserable you are because of family or friends that have or are wronging you, there are ways to get out of that. All you have to do is switch your attitude and focus. You have to truly forgive, try to understand, have empathy for those who have wronged you. Forgiveness is for yourself and your benefit, not others. It doesn't matter how badly they've wronged you, how often, or even if it's continuing. Granted, it's harder to forgive when it's ongoing. You can forgive all past wrongs and the person(s) but you have to keep forgiving new behaviors when it's ongoing. But it truly can be done, I can assure you. I managed to forgive my mother even as she continued to verbally and emotionally abuse me while in my care and dependent on me. I took care of all her basic needs during this time, despite the way she was treating me. I came to understand that I couldn't change her or her behavior, only myself. I could change what I did in response to her. I could change my actions and attitude toward her, and my responses. I chose not to internalize or take personally the treatment or things she said about me. I chose to chalk it all up to her dysfunction and unhappiness rather than take it as truth, as reality. I didn't allow it to sink in and affect me. I didn't even bother to rebut it in my mind - I let it all bounce off. Instead, I internalized the unconditional love of those around me, and God.

Being a primary caregiver for a parent or parents is one of the hardest jobs in the world and I hereby acknowledge all those who choose to do it. It's worse when the parent(s) are abusive in their old age, worse still if he/she/they have been abusive as you were growing up. I won't tell you that I always handled my mother with grace, but I will say I did the best I could. I'm not sure that I love her, and I certainly don't respect many of her life choices, but I tried to always treat her with respect. It was a very difficult but healing time for me, and I know myself well. That was necessary for dealing with her. It's a key to living with abuse, key to the ability to not internalizing the messages. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the behaviors. For true forgiveness, you have to come to understand the person and the reasons. In my case, I've come to understand that my mother lost her father when she was four, was primarily raised by her grandparents, without her mother. My grandmother had to work and back then it was common to send children to live with relatives under such circumstances. For whatever reasons, including that and a hard, cold grandfather, my mother has several clinical disorders. She is perhaps bipolar, has a Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Disorder, and several more I don't have correct names for yet. I believe she's a lot of the reason I've chosen to study psychology. Certainly my experiences have led to my need to heal and help others who have suffered abuse and/or are living dysfunctional lives. This is so many of you. Anyone who is choosing drama is choosing dysfunction. If you have children, you're affecting them too, no matter how good a parent you try to be or believe you are.

Once I really came to an understanding of my mother and her behaviors that affected me, I was able to see that she did the best she could with what she was dealt. That's part of what's necessary for forgiveness, of self and others. I was also better able to look at my own parenting and forgive myself for my mistakes, which were many. Again, it's not about condoning, but forgiveness is necessary for a positive self image and positive life. The more I forgave her and myself, and understood, the more I was able to accept the love of others and her. I was also better able to understand and love myself. All this enabled me to emerge from drama. Now I have to say that we all have drama at one time or another. In healthy individuals, it's often short lived and usually handled well. You learn to make choices about how you handle the dramas, and eventually gain the mastery to control even your responses. Most of the time now my response is prayer, which leads to calm, and the clear thinking necessary to handle the situation with the least amount of problem and impact. This should be your goal. I can't begin to tell you how much easier and more joyful life gets the more you master this! From the other side of all those dramas, I can tell you that all the work to get yourself and your choices under your intent and control are so worth it!

The bottom line is that our perceptions create our daily reality. These include perceptions about others, things that happen to us, our current circumstances. Every time I get stuck in a feeling of lack, I totally begin to live that. I start living very small, and the more it goes on the smaller my world gets. Without changing any of my circumstances, when I concentrate on the abundance in my life, I begin to live large. I live in gratitude, and great things start happening. I'm also able to do and accomplish so much more. That in turn changes my circumstances for the better, at least in part. Eventually, with steady gratitude, intent, and focus on the good things in my life, I've been able to improve my circumstances. It so seldom works the other way, and when it does, you don't recognize all the wonders and blessings around you. You miss most of the good stuff and end up dwelling on what you don't like. That just brings more of the same. I've seen it work for the good in my life and those of some close to me. I've seen dwelling in the drama and lack work more of the same for many others. I've seen enough of it to tell you absolutely that it's a law of the universe. It's that "what goes around comes around" in a way you never think of it. What goes around inside of you comes around back to you from all directions in unforeseen ways, in waves. Often I talk about the many blessings bestowed on me by surprise, from God and others. I'm so very grateful, and I recognize and acknowledge, fully internalize even the smallest of them like finding a dime. With God's help, and by doing the self work, I've come to create a reality for myself of grace, peace, blessings, and love. I so seldom have drama in my life, only grief over the drama in the lives of those I love. I give that to God too, daily - then watch Him work! I love to see the progress.

When you have the "everything happens to me" or "everyone uses (or abuses) me" attitude, you only create much more of that in your life. You are actually causing it by sending out those vibes - you're attracting it. It's hard to get out of that, and only forgiveness and intent can accomplish it. You do have a choice though, and any day you start is the day your life begins to get better. It can be today, tomorrow or next week. How much longer do you wish to suffer? The progress won't be constant or steady. You slide back into old patterns of thinking and feeling quite easily. But at any point you can set intent and begin working on yourself. You can only change yourself. You can't change how others treat, think, or talk about you directly. But you can do so much indirectly to affect others, by how you affect yourself. Changing yourself is work, but we're capable, with determination and understanding. Most of my readers are women I believe. The good news is, it's far easier for women (and enlightened, determined men) to do this than it is for most men. The bad news is, women are also more prone to live in drama, so it's a good thing it's easier for us to change this. As I said, progress isn't steady or without interruptions. It's like most things - at first perhaps one step forward then one step back. But with intent and work, it becomes two steps forward and one step back. With practice, it then becomes many steps forward and only a few back.

You are going to get what you expect in most cases. I expect honesty, kindness and consideration, respect. I expect those around me to love me and appreciate me. I expect good things to happen to me every day, and opportunities to help others improve their lives. That's what I get most days, and in abundance. Yes, I have people use me and take advantage of me all the time. That's what happens to extreme givers. I've learned to set boundaries within myself and enforce them kindly but firmly with others. I value myself and know the value of my time and attention, help. I refuse to be used by those who wish to remain in their dramas, or who want to have me solve their problems. Those who don't do the work don't receive my help as soon as I identify that. I can tell you how to do it, and be your cheerleader along the way but only you can change your thoughts, actions, and choices. It's not my job in life to push you along, and it's impossible to do it for you. Without announcing it, I cut loose those who aren't doing the work. I leave the door open in this way. I give second chances, because people often are taken low enough that they're eventually willing to listen and do the work. But if you're not doing the work and still coming to me, you'll suddenly find me unavailable for long periods. You won't be able to reach me by phone, any private messages will be very briefly answered, etc. That's the way I've chosen to enforce my boundaries and guard my energy and time, my patience. That way, I have those resources for those who really want the help and will do their part. (Please don't imagine whether I'm setting these limits with you or take this personally. This is not directed at any one person. Now that I've started college, there are times that I get too busy to be on Facebook or on the phone much. Over the holidays, I didn't respond to a text from my soul daughter for a day or two. Those of you who are very close to me, you know that you are. When I'm slow to respond, don't think of what I just wrote about boundaries - do as she did. She's very secure in her relationship with me and got a response by telling me she's worried that she hadn't heard back from me. I responded as soon as I saw that.) So again you see that with my attitude (my worth and value to others) I control my reality. I avoid most drama because I don't let those locked into it to latch onto me and bring it in. My attitude is: those who I'm helping through their dramas are clients, and those who are further along are friends. How close to me you get depends on how evolved you are. I help evolved friends regularly, by the way, but they also help me. It's a very healthy give and take. This is part of what I've created and ordered in my life. I am often the "go to" listener for many. Those who are evolved and have done the work still need me occasionally but it's not taxing because it's reciprocal and not constant in any one of them. So I am able to help many people regularly, and in turn, receive the occasional help I need.

If there's anything in your life that you don't want, especially the things that keep happening to you, I can help. It's time to make the changes you need to stop these things from happening. You actually do have the power to control much of your reality by controlling your attitudes, thoughts, and intent. I can teach you if you're ready.

New Age Resolutions

I don't make resolutions for the new year. I make them as I go along. I'm always learning, healing, and improving my life. I learn new lessons usually weekly, sometimes daily. I make adjustments as needed. I've learned to do them one at a time, and gently. I don't get mad at myself over not following through or changing everything at once. I recommend this to those of you who still make resolutions for the new year. As you know, they very seldom work. One problem is that usually they're things you think you "should," be doing, things you've resisted.

From what I understand, a new age of being is coming about at this time. That's actually what 2012 was about. Many of us have felt significant shifts is our energy during the middle to latter part of this month. Now, the things we've struggled with are supposed to be getting easier to handle, I believe. At least, I hear that time is speeding up for these clearings. That's very exciting - to be further aided in this work of clearing and improving my life.

Today I learned several lessons. I need a day of rest from "shoulds" each week. I also do much better when I want to do something rather than think I should. I'm often motivated by having a list of things I intend to do, but it's even better for me to have it in my planner. Every time I get away from my planner, I become burdened by the lists. I feel the burden to get everything on the list done so I can throw it away and start over. One of the beauties of my planner is that instead of assigning a whole list of things to do on any given day, I can assign myself the list to do sometime during the week. That helps me relax about it more. I can also carry over (easily) from one week to the next what I haven't gotten done. That allows me to easily re-prioritize based on things that come up during the week, and my energy flow. It allows me to be more responsive without feeling burdened. I highly recommend this same planner to all of you. You can get one from plannerpads.com. They're basically all the same, just different styles. I recommend the book type with plenty of room to write, with the dates already filled in so you can see a week at a time. I use the spiral bound one because it easily stays open to a week at a time on my desk. I have a friend who uses the loose leaf, and swears by it.

I was feeling burdened today, and low energy. I sent up a quick prayer and God immediately answered by telling me I'm allowed and actually supposed to take a day off. That's what Sundays (or whatever day suits you) are for. He told me to remove the "shoulds." I was so grateful and relieved. I almost took a nap, but decided not to so I'd be able to sleep tonight. I first did what I felt I really needed to do - the dishes in the sink, took out the garbage, did the litter boxes and fed the cats. I wrote out a card I want to get into the mail tomorrow. While I was getting ready to do that, I cleared out a stack of mail looking for something I needed. In that, I faced doing something I'd been avoiding. That then gave me the energy to vacuum. I doubt I'll have company in the next week, and I'm usually a reactive cleaner. I'm one who cleans when someone's coming or I just can't stand the way the carpet looks. That's not to say that my house gets filthy - far from it. I have people coming and going regularly and like to have the house in decent shape. But I'm not one who cleans meticulously weekly. I hate cleaning house, can always find something I'd rather be doing with my time. The floors were messy by my standards, and I wanted them clean so this time I simply did it for me. It made me feel so good, especially afterwards. I was telling myself I'm worth it as I finished up, and that's a huge message for me.

I'm New Age, and old-times too, a mix. I listen to New Age music, but also to 40's Big Band Jazz, and classical. I love Victorian houses and stories, history. It's time to clean up and clear out our lives and habits, and not because a new year is starting. One day is really about the same as the next. There's absolutely no magic to a new year beginning. It's like your birthday. You aren't really another year older on your birthday - it's just math. You're simply one day older than the day before. January 2 is no different than December 2, unless either happens to be a significant birthday. It's not even time to clean up and clear out your life because it's a new age. It's time because you can make those changes any time you're ready and willing, and you're worth it. And you don't have to clear out all the old. In fact, there truly aren't any "have to's." Do it to make a better life for yourself. Do it because tomorrow truly is the first day of the rest of your life, and you're worth it.

Finally, a New Post

I'm sorry I haven't been posting. Ever since Superstorm Sandy came through, I've been coping with old, lower energies. At first I typed "fighting," but I don't fight things. I go with the flow and cope in the best ways possible. These days I have amazing coping mechanisms that are much healthier than the ones I grew up with as a victim. I pray, ask the angels for help, go to meditations, get healing treatments from friends in the community, and do Reiki on others. Giving is a good way of helping yourself, your heart and soul.

Many days were better, but most were not, over about a six week period. I'd go to an event or have a healing session here, but the energy didn't change, or only for a few days. Over time, the blog posts dwindled. I wasn't channeling them or inspired most of this month.

Sometimes I only see how far I've yet to go, not how much I've accomplished. It's very hard without a job. It's really taught me faith, and reliance on God. I surrender all to Him each day. I understand that He knows my true needs better than I do. My mission on earth is my #1 priority. I'm willing to go through whatever hardships I have to in order to spiritually get to where I need to be in order to be most effective. Still, it's difficult at times. I still have many issues in my relationship with myself, for one thing.

The physical world and realities have been getting to me more than they have in a year, and I've had trouble sleeping. I'm really not sure why I'm telling you all this, but I wonder if others are having trouble coping too. I thought this month would be a very high energy month and have been very disappointed each day. I try to stay in a state of gratitude and faith, but haven't been able to. That said, I have to again tell you that we're each responsible daily for our own state of mind and being. Each day, I do all I can to get into the right frame of mind and attitude. What's different for me is that normally I feel it, and over this time period I've felt little except concern for my loved ones. I've deeply felt the individual needs of each, with a huge open heart at times. I've felt that more intensely than the gratitude and faith I usually feel. And hope has been dormant. It's not that my belief and faith is any less, or my gratitude, only my ability to actually feel it lately. If you recall, I was living in a state of anticipation of the adventure each day became for me, and of gratitude. Those feelings were actively present almost every moment of every day, when I'd tune into myself. Now the attitude is usually there without the feelings that go with them.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, stopped to figure out what comes next. I realize that although I don't feel depressed, my very learned clinical social worker daughter would diagnose me with clinical depression. Lately even foods often don't have much flavor and I've lost interest in connecting with others this week, haven't been keeping up with emails and Facebook for several weeks. Not keeping up came with finishing my college class and being intensely busy for several weeks. I was very focused on school. My life is very out of balance right now, and I'm really feeling that. In thinking about how my daughter would read what's happening, I was given the message to take the Shaklee vitamin B complex supplement. I'm doing the best I can to keep up with self care, and give my body, mind, and spirit what it needs. I learned over the summer that I have to keep my water intake up, and have been. I've been taking a tablespoon of Bragg's raw apple cider vinegar in a glass of water three times a day most days for months now, trying to time it a half hour before or after meals.  

There's been lots of positive things happening during this time period, though. I've become very aware of how psychically "on" I am much of the time. For one thing, when people send me private messages on Facebook or text me, I know exactly what they mean when they say it. It's as good as when talking on the phone, when you can hear the inflections in the voice that tell you these things. One time I knew exactly what someone texted me, spelling and all, before I opened it. I usually know who's calling and why, when the phone rings. Or I'm thinking about someone being in need, and then he or she calls, or I text and discover the need. I know when there are events I'm supposed to attend. I also started channeling the book I'm supposed to write, a few days ago. That's been consuming, but awesome. At the urging of angels and other people, I've tried several times over the past year plus, to do this. Each time, it was work - painful, difficult, upsetting. I never got very far, always got stuck. I was never able to flesh it out enough. Now it's simply flowing, four days in a row, 44 pages so far. Today the flow hasn't started, perhaps because there are so many other things I need to be doing, catch up on. It's becoming a real book as it flows, and the process has been incredible. I'm also sure I can start that flow again when I'm ready, have taken care of some needs around here. I used to ask Archangel Gabriel to help, since that's her area and the angel card readings kept pointing to her, telling me to write it. However, I attended one of George Shader's Casa Healing Meditations last Thursday, which was amazing and powerful. Almost immediately, I was overwhelmed by a loving visit from Mother Mary. The more she was with me, the more intense the love, and she was joined by Jesus. I've read in the Bible that we can't stand in His presence, and now I personally understand why. The Love and magnificence of the pair was soon too intense, and I had to mentally say so.

Afterwards, George was the final person to suggest I needed to write a book, and also suggested I ask Mother Mary to help. The next day, the book started coming to me without asking, took me completely by surprise. Then I asked Mother Mary to be with me, and she has been. Perhaps Archangel Gabriel is with her, but I'm only aware of her. One day the flow started the minute I thought of verbally greeting her. As I've said before, I start my days by giving my self, day, and life to God, to do with as He will, to guide, lead, and direct. I'm used to my days then taking on a life and structure of their own so there's got to be a pretty significant event to surprise me. I also have to point out the significance of this connection with Mother Mary for you. As I've said before, my own mother was emotionally distant and abusive. I disconnected from all mother energy toward me many years ago, including a real desire for it. I have complete outward mother energy but blocked myself from receiving, I now realize. I totally denied all need for it. Mary came to me soon after George started the meditation, opened me from the inside out, to relationship. I've also been desiring that reconnection with Jesus, which has been blocked for some reason. So I see if nothing else, this post is giving me some needed insights. I knew I was to write it but not what.

I'll be honest, as I always am, and tell you I don't know when the next blog will come. I refuse to force them just to provide. I surrender that to God too each day, as I surrender all aspects of my life - all connected to me in any way, all I'm involved in. It became His blog long ago, and I appreciate and respect that. I feel an urgency with 12/21/12 coming in a few days, and will be praying about that, and for all of you. If I don't write again before Christmas, much Love and Joy to you all!

Discerning Feelings, Needs & Wants

I'm sorry I promised a blog on this. It's one I'm still really struggling with. I suggest writing your own mission statement as a start. And I can see I'm going to get help writing this one, so I hope to learn something as I channel it. I wrote the first two sentences and channeled the second.

Your mission statement is the statement of what you want your best life to be about, your values, what's in your heart, what you care about most in life. It's about your life, not the lives of others. We can only determine for ourselves. And part of being in touch with God starts with being in touch with ourselves. We have to really determine, and in all honesty, who we are and what we care about.

If you start with a mission statement, you have a guideline for your needs and wants. I wrote a mission statement nearly a year ago. It never needs to be rewritten like my "I Am" or manifestation statements, because it entirely reflects my mission and goals in life. I use it as the basis for my major decisions and many of my minor ones. I'll share it with any of you that ask.

Some people have trouble discerning between needs and wants. Needs are basic and common to all people and really, all the rest are wants. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I feel I need a car but allow for the possibility that perhaps I want a car more than need it. After all, I've gone without one since mid-February and I'm still alive.

Each day I surrender my needs and wants to God because I realize that one of my major wants, that borders on need, is to serve Him according to our contracted mission for my life. I want that above all else. I realize that I don't understand the true intersection of my needs and wants. I understand that many of them are conflicting. So when I surrender these things to God I also surrender my thoughts and feelings about them to Him. And I reiterate that I want His will for my life above all else, that my top priority is my mission on earth. Then I tell Him what I think I need, ask for fulfillment of the needs. I often also tell Him some of my wants and ask for those.

The times prayer works best and I connect best with God is when I talk about my feelings to Him. He already knows them but that takes prayer way beyond supplication or even gratitude. It brings prayer to personal relationship, especially if I just talk with Him about whatever is on my mind and heart at the time. It's like talking to a trusted friend over the phone, except I don't hear His voice with His answers. However, I do hear His answers when I really just relax and connect with fully open heart and simply chat with Him. The same happens when I fully open my heart to Him, the relationship, and express any emotions to Him.

Some of us, especially victims of childhood abuse of any kind, have trouble identifying our feelings. There are several ways to do that. One is to set the intent and pray to remember your dreams. Often we work out difficult feelings or identify them in dreams. One of my most used methods of figuring them out is to journal. Another is to start talking to a trusted friend. Journaling and talking it out for someone like me starts with the event and then I'm able to identify the feeling. Talking with a friend is a great method because sometimes the friend identifies the feelings for you. And God can be that friend!

The more you share your feelings and thoughts with God the more you're sharing yourself. The more often you do that, the more you're going to hear from Him. I never hear His voice, as I said the other day. However, I feel His answer and receive the message, then interpret it into words. As an intuitive, that's the way I usually receive messages, whether communicating with Him, angels, pets, or the departed. It's actually something all of us do but most people discount it, figure they're imagining it. That's the biggest difference between a psychic and one who isn't. Psychics recognize that the thought or feeling, message is real, and didn't originate with them. It's a level of belief, as is talking with God and listening to Him.

How do you know God's talking to you rather than your imagination? If you ask a question you don't know the answer to in your conscious mind, and get the answer right after, that's not from you. If you're talking to God at the time, it's probably from Him. If you get an abusive answer, it's obviously not from Him. But if you get a kind answer accompanied by a feeling of love and you were talking to God, that's God. I said "kind" answer for a reason. Let's say the answer to your question is no and you wanted it to be yes. That's unkind if it comes to you in a nasty way and kind if delivered gently, in love. Usually in that case God will give you a reason why not at the same time.

I have a lot of experience getting direct and immediate answers from God. I don't ask yes or no questions. I often get replies when I haven't asked a question, have only expressed a concern, especially if it's a doubt about myself. Sometimes I ask questions about how He and the angels work too. He knows me - I want to know it all. And I frequently laughingly tell Him that because He created me this way - kind of our private joke, like you'd have with your closest friend.

Right now I can only think of two examples of messages. The other day I surrendered my relationship with work, responsibility, and duty to Him, with the thought that maybe I don't really do enough. He immediately answered that He's well pleased with me. I got the feeling a split second before I knew what He was saying to me. It's that intuitive/psychic experience I explain above. No voice, only the feeling followed by the message/words being downloaded to my brain and heart. Yesterday I told Jesus that I want a closer relationship with Him, want that restoration. He immediately said it's not our time for that yet. Again, the message came in the same way - first came the love, then the message. He also gave me the feeling that I have some learning to do first, and more time connecting with God, the Father. You have to understand that I believe there's the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. When I was in my teens, for at least six months I had a nightly conversation with Jesus. They started out one-sided, me doing the talking. At one point, I began receiving answers as I've described. It started out being about the intense emotional abuse my mother dished out daily. She told me I was the reason she was sick in bed every day after work - that it was because I argued with her (typical teenage behavior). That's the only part I remember, but I know she was so cruel and cutting that life was nearly unbearable. I started going to bed earlier and earlier, and talking with Jesus. It started with asking why she was doing this. The first answers were about that, and what I could learn from it, how to redeem the experiences. There's no way my mind was supplying His end of the conversations! As a teen, there's no way I'd be able to figure out that I was learning to get along with the most difficult people and still be kind, etc. I don't even remember all the lessons. How I wish I had written them down! The wonderful thing is, these conversations got to be longer and longer because they were so loving and comforting. Eventually I went to Him, my best friend, to talk about anything and everything. I got to know Him as a being, including His great sense of humor.

The sad thing is, I forget all that now, don't feel that connection. Back then I connected deeply with Him but not with God the Father. I was afraid of parental authority and had no real idea what a father is, couldn't relate because I'd only met my father once and he'd rejected me without reason. So I didn't have a basis for feeling connect or love from our Father. I believed I wasn't lovable. It's a wonder I connected with Jesus! So part of what Jesus was telling me yesterday about it not being time yet, is that I still need to be primarily connected to our Father for awhile longer. My time with reconnection with Jesus will come. That's not really the kind of answer you'd expect, is it? I know it was real though, because I'm used to receiving these messages now, and I felt the Love that came with it. And because I felt the confirmation of what He said within me. My spirit agreed with the answer given. We all know what's right and real, in truth. You have that "still, small voice" that affirms or denies, if you just learn to listen to it. That's actually you, your higher self. Those messages come from within you. So if you know what I mean about that, it should help you if you need help differentiating God or angel messages from that supplied from within yourself. If any of you need further explanation, contact me and I'll try.