Part III - Energy Work

The first door that opened to me last Fall was energy work. There are different approaches to energy work practiced in the US. I was introduced to Dr. Usui's system of Reiki. I'd never heard of it before, but as I started exploring it I found that it's widely known within the US, practiced in many big city hospitals & hospice programs. Dr. Usui was from Japan, & Reiki is becoming as mainstream as acupuncture & acupressure.

We all know that energy flows through every living thing. Quantum physics tells us that all matter is composed of energy. Officially, "Reiki is a technique for stress reduction & relaxation that allows everyone to tap into an unlimited supply of 'life force energy' to improve health & enhance the quality of life." William Lee Rand says: "Reiki is a Japanese system of natural healing based on channeling healing energy through the hands." It is not taught to practitioners. Rather, the ability to channel the energy is transferred to the student by the Reiki Master. The Creator is the Source of all life force energy. Therefore, this energy comes straight from the Creator. "Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind & spirit & creates many beneficial effects including relaxation & feelings of peace, security, & well-being."

Rei means: "...supernatural knowledge or spiritual consciousness. This is the wisdom that comes from God or the Higher Self. This is the God-Consciousness which is all knowing. It understands each person completely. It knows the cause of all problems & difficulties & knows what to do to heal them." Ki means the same as Chi in Chinese. "Ki is the life force... that animates all living things. If your life force is low, or if there is a restriction in its flow, you will be more vulnerable to illness. Life force... animates the body & also is the primary energy of our emotions, thoughts & spiritual life." "It is the God-consciousness called Rei that guides the life force called Ki in the practice we call Reiki. Therefore, Reiki can be defined as spiritually guided life force energy." I describe it this way. As a Reiki practitioner, I'm the electrical cord, plain & simple, no special skill needed. I was made into a cord by receiving attunements to be able to channel the energy. You, the receiver, are the computer. You give the energy the commands within you - subconsciously your body directs the energy to be used as most needed at the time. As the cord, I plug into the Source & transfer the Energy to you.

It was amazing the way I was introduced to Reiki. I was looking for work & making calls. The 4th call led me to a stranger who took an hour to brainstorm with me! He asked about my experience, talents, desires, & was telling me of friends he's had who have made good incomes from their art. Then he told me about Reiki, told me I'm a healer at heart, & that it was the next step for me! He was so certain that it would open doors for me, enhance & facilitate what I wanted to do, that I had to pay attention. I felt like he was an angel sent just for me & that if I called back he wouldn't answer because he was just there for that moment. Fortunately, he didn't disappear, continues to grace my life, has become one of my best friends. More tomorrow.

Part I - Background, My Religious Life

I was led to tell you this, so here goes. I used to be religious. I've read the Bible from cover to cover, after years of reading certain sections over & over, mostly the New Testament. I've regularly attended Presbyterian, Lutheran, & Methodist churches. When I was a teen, I went to church wherever I could get a ride, which is why I attended all 3 rather than being raised in one church. I felt a connection & sought. In a few visits a year, my beloved grandmother would tell me about God & Jesus. Family friends took me to church on Easter Sunday when I was in elementary school. I had a couple of children's books of prayers. But I didn't have the benefit of church when I was little, nor was God spoken of in our house. It's been a long journey.

In high school, I developed a great connection to Jesus. Every night for at least 6 months, I'd go to bed early so I could talk with Him. At that time my mother was very ill & was blaming her illness on me. I'd go to bed & ask Him why. He would tell me how to endure, what I could learn, how much He loves me. It was a conversation. Eventually we became good enough friends that we'd talk about other things too. He became my best friend, & I enjoyed His sense of humor.

Then my mother got religion & I started going to church with her. She & her friends told me over & over that there's only one way to pray, & that I couldn't possibly have been talking with Jesus Himself. The conversations stopped because I stopped them. I got so mired in trying to get it right that I sank too far into my own pit. Then I turned my back on Him & started living for myself in a very worldly way, seeking love in all the wrong ways.

As a young adult, every time I was in deep emotional trouble, I'd study the Bible & pray earnestly. Eventually I latched onto religion as a crutch. I struggled with it all, the questions many of us agonize over. Is every word in the Bible true? How come God let's bad things happen to good people? Just what all does He do for us? How involved is He? I listened to religious radio & TV programs, went to church, took Bible study classes. Eventually I thought I had the answers.

My teen & young adult life was a series of "being saved" & going worldly. My first big crisis of faith & religion came when my mother became religious. My second came when my first marriage ended despite all my prayers. I'd thought I'd had all the answers & suddenly I was left with nothing but questions. My years of struggle weren't helped by most of the ministers. Most of them were distant & pedantic. Only one was truly spiritual & inclusive, a true man of God.

Right after I separated from my first husband, our church got a new minister. He was exactly the right one for me. He regularly made time for me, to answer my questions. He was totally honest with me about his views vs. the church's. He healed our ailing church family right when I most needed that family. He, his wife, that church family supported me & helped me raise my kids. My kids have had a different journey, were raised in that church. Yet they struggle with many of the same questions & problems I had. Then, 11 years ago, I moved on to was husband #2, who talked derisively of "God Squaders." By then I believed in reincarnation so I sought, at times, answers to my questions outside of the Protestant church, quit going to church altogether.

Part II - Religious vs. Spiritual

Every time I was religious I was miserable. Every time I went my own way, I was miserable. However, God was with me & within me through it all. Times that I thought I was so far from Him, others saw Him within me! Once I ran into a guy I used to date when I was so down that I was suicidal at the end. He told me he'd given his life to God because of me! My deep faith had so touched him. Folks, I surely wasn't aware of my faith at that point so I was shocked. But at that point I wasn't trying to be anything, so I was visibly spiritual. I used to tell that new minister that I didn't know what I believe any more. He used to tell me that deep inside, I do, that it would be there when I need it. He told me it was time to stop trying to figure it all out & start taking care of me, time to start living my life. That freed me to participate in the church on my own terms & spend my time taking care of me & my family. It freed me from those dreaded "shoulds."

At times, I knew I should give my life to God, knew I was destined. But I was resistant because of my religious experiences. Those experiences were very unbalanced & unhappy. I spent so much time seeking answers & trying to toe the line that I didn't have a life. I was always afraid to make a misstep, go the wrong way, displease God. Then, about 6 years ago, my individual beliefs started really emerging & I moved away from organized religion entirely. But the life I was living was really in the way of personal growth, had to end for me to move forward. I was blessed with what I liken to an earthquake - my former life disappeared in seemingly a flash, but it really wasn't. It took me about 8 months to believe my husband stole all my mother's money, come to terms with reality, quit trying to cling to my former life, & to begin planning a new life. Part of facing reality was realizing that none of the old life truly fit me, so it was going to have to be a total "do over." I realized it was my first opportunity to create the life I want on my terms. A friend kept telling me that God gave me so many talents for a reason. I realized it was finally my time - time to use them, to live what I was created for. It's what I'd always wanted anyway. My talents are my bliss, one of my personal joys in life. I also realized I wanted God at the center of my life, for His work to be what my life is about.

That was September 2010 & doors started opening because of my intent. Every time a door appeared I'd walk through & ask, "What next?" Because I was centered in God & my intent, I recognized Who presented the doors. I didn't concern myself with questions, didn't need to see what was ahead because I knew Who was ahead. I've been able to take it one step at a time because each step took me to incredible new places to dwell until the next step. So it's been an entirely spiritual journey. It's been a purposeful journey so it's been very rapid. Also, the groundwork has been years in the making.

It's like nothing I've ever known before - I've only had rare glimpses of this. It's nothing like being religious, yet I'm more deeply involved than ever before. Instead of being limiting as I feared, it frees me in incredible ways. I'm not combing the Bible for answers, not hung up with questions. Things are being revealed each time I'm ready. I'm plugged straight into the Source. I talk with Him & He talks with me. I'm still dealing with the mess from my former life, & healing from past hurts, yet I'm happier than I've ever been. I lost my man yet for the first time in my life, I'm not lonely. The poor unloved child I was now knows that was never true, that God always loved & cared for me, took care of me. I know Love like never before. Nothing is the same in my life - it's all being redefined for me. It all has new & enhanced meaning. A God-centered, spiritual life is a daily adventure. I never know what I'll blog about, what healing will take place, what new thing I'll learn, how or what He'll provide for me each day. I only know He does & will, so I awaken with great anticipation each day. I believe tomorrow's blog will be about that adventure.  

My Funeral/Golden Rules for Living

I often don't know what I'll be blogging about. I work with what I've given each day. Because my mother has recently she's gone into a full decline, this is the subject. She's given up taking responsibility for herself. She defines "self-centered" & "selfish," so she's been a great reference for understanding these traits.

I've had her in my home for nearly 2 years now, had sole care of her for nearly 9 months. So this put it in my face full time. It's been a huge opportunity for me to heal & come to truly understand her total influence in my life. One of the things I learned is that I wasn't nearly as healed as I thought I was. Different issues needing healing kept coming up after I thought they were healed. I'm not the only one - some people I greatly admire as spiritually evolved, have found they have old things coming up from the past these days. They thought they were healed, & some really long ago stuff has been coming up lately. So we've been given another opportunity to heal. This is the time, folks, & we all need to take the best advantage of it.

One of the things I've come to realize is that I've spent my life from the time I was a teen, trying to be the anti-Norma, her direct opposite. When we do that, consciously or not, we tend to go overboard in the opposite direction & live life in an imbalanced state. I'm no exception to that. I tend to take care of everyone else but me, for one thing. My loving daughter passed on to me several great versions of the Golden Rule. One is that instead of treating your neighbors as you want to be treated, you should treat them the way THEY want to be treated! How golden is that! The other one is that you should be treating YOURSELF at least as well as you treat your neighbor! So very true, & so difficult for many of us. I'm currently working on that one.

I have my own Golden Rules. I live part of my life with no regrets, including when loved ones depart this earth. I say "I love you" to the people I love, at every opportunity, & I make opportunities. When my beloved grandmother died, I'd made the trip to see her 10 days earlier, & had again told her in detail how much I treasured her. I told her of her meaning in my life, which was more of a mother & example than my own. I'd told her that before too. I was devastated when she died, but I had no regrets because I hadn't left any good unsaid.

I also believe that if you have any good thing to say to someone, you need to make the opportunity to say it. (I especially do that with the most important people of all - my kids.) Yesterday I sent a message to 2 of my daughter's friends that I know. She passed on that they said they admire how I've handled the situation I was dealt through my ex husband. That means the world to me because at the time it all went down, I took on a great deal of guilt. I wanted to be sure I handled the situation & my life from then on in a way that would redeem myself to myself & would make my children proud of me & set a better example for them. (Not that they needed that, or that they were blaming me at all. They were trying to help me not feel guilty.) So for my daughter's friends to notice was a huge affirmation for me that I'd succeeded. Since that was a great gift, I thanked them in detail. Because you never know when a small act of kindness will provide a big gift for someone else. I believe you need to tell someone when it does.

The gist of my biggest Golden Rule is that every act & word has an impact based on the negative or positive energy we release. It's a drop of water on the surface of the pond. You don't see it, but it creates ripples. If you cuss out a store employee he may go home & beat his wife because it was the final straw that day. Truly! It's all over the news, random shootings & no one knows what pushed the guy over the edge. If you say something nice to someone, he could do that to someone who just needed one kind word to keep from committing suicide. It really can be that dramatic. Thing is, once you do or say something, you have no control over the created ripple. But negative always begets negative & positive always begets positive, & it does always flow out. Now, God can turn negatives into positives but there's enough for Him to work with without us adding to it! So I try to always be a source of positives, & I do it with INTENT.

My mother has planned her funeral down to the last detail - music, Bible verses, etc. I haven't told her this, but she won't be having that funeral, since at most 3 people would come, even including me. Whenever she talks about it, I think about what would happen if I died. I haven't put any time into planning a funeral. I put my time into others instead. I'd like to think that many, many people all over the country would miss me, would be sorry to lose me. I'd like to know that I've touched many lives deeply enough to have truly mattered. I'd like my life to have left a lasting impact on those I've touched, & for that to be many & widespread. Through my children, family, & friends, I want to have left a deep legacy of love. I want to have made a real difference, an true impact on as much of the world as possible.

How to Talk with & Be in Relationship with God

I have a relationship with Father God that some people envy. Just last night I was again asked how to achieve that, with the belief that I couldn't tell her. Most people believe you have to work hard at it, that it's pretty unattainable. They feel that He's too busy or they aren't important enough or He's too hard to reach. But I actually CAN tell you how, because none of that's true. He truly IS so big & magnificent & ALL that He can be there for each of us, & is. To have a personal relationship with Him, all you have to do is believe, talk, listen, & open your heart.

First, let's get through the terminology. Call Him or Her whatever you want. If you want to substitute some other word for God or Father, go ahead. Creator, Higher Power - doesn't matter. All that matters is that you believe there is a Highest Power that created us. Perhaps the closest word we really have in the English language for this Creator is Love. Certainly, if you want to understand Him, Pure Love & Power is the best way. I believe I talk with Father God. I used to strictly talk to Brother Jesus, because I could relate better. I believe that Jesus is God's Son, a separate part of God the Father. That just gives you context. Your beliefs might be different.

So back to how to talk with the Creator. You have to believe that He hears YOU. You have to believe that He loves you enough to listen to you, & that He always listens. Then you have to do it, the more often the better. You have to open your heart when you do so that you get that connection. Think about human communication, let's say the development of a friendship. At first you aren't emotionally connected, so talk is not emotionally charged. You aren't really investing much of your self into it usually. There's no bond with that person. Each time you talk you share a little more of yourselves & it gets easier, more comfortable. The bond begins to form which leads to sharing more of yourselves & deeper bond. Eventually you are fully & emotionally present in each conversation because of that bond. It works the same way with God.

Part of the above conversational/bonding process is that you listen also, not just talk. When you talk with God, you have to learn to listen too. I find that He "talks" with me differently than Jesus does. Jesus talks with me like my Angel & Guides do. That is, I receive messages in my head in direct response. It's that "ah-ha" that comes into your head sometimes when you're searching your brain (so you think) for answers. That fully formed entire concept/picture/answer. It's like receiving an entire paragraph to a letter in response to your question. At least, that's how I receive it from them. From God it's different, it's a feeling, a knowing in my heart, more than a concrete thought or concept. That said, I know He talks with some people in a more direct fashion, like my Angel & Guides talk with me, or even more directly. I believe that if you earnestly seek Him, He will speak to you in whatever way is needed at the time. I believe He usually allows others to deliver His direct messages - advice from a trusted friend, your own Angels & Guides, many ways depending on how open we are.

It's easier to learn to accept that those "ah-ha" moments are actually messages being sent to you than it is to identify when God simply speaks to your heart. Sometimes your brain is wonderfully functional & will solve problems if you put them in there to work on. Something at work, let's say, & you figure out a solution to - the glitch in the office budget. You know that's you. Or you awaken with an answer to something you went to sleep trying to figure out. That's probably your mind, unless the solution was just way beyond you. Our brains work on problems while we sleep because our subconscious takes over & our conscious brain is for once, blessedly silent. But if you ask a question as you go through your day & minutes or a moment later come up with the answer, that's not your brain. That's not you. That's Guidance. Once you learn to detect, feel, trust, & have gratitude for that, you're ready to listen to God's messages to your heart/soul/being. Again, that doesn't come from your brain. It's God speaking to you, not your brain at work. When you open your heart to God & talk with Him through your heart (usually using your brain at that point because we do it with words), your brain is overridden by your heart & therefore couldn't be supplying the message you get in return. It's that simple.

I recommend talking to & with God in 2 ways - formal prayer & conversation. Please note I said talking "to & with" & know that I always carefully choose my words when I write anything. Usually I'm talking "to" God in prayer & "with" Him the rest of the time. It's more in talking with Him that you'll hear back from Him. Talking "to" is not real conversation & talking "with" is. I talk with God just the way I talk with everyone else except in twice a day (or more as needed) prayer. I tell Him good morning & I love Him, just as chipperly (new word :) as I can. Or I tell Him I love Him & that I'm still really groggy, having trouble getting started, whatever. Then I stumble around at first just as if someone called me & woke me up. I talk with Him whenever there's something on my heart, & I thank Him a lot. I tell Him how cute the 2 baby chipmunks are playing, & how much I love them. I ask Him to protect them from the ATVs racing up the street, reiterate that I love them & how cute they are. I bring Him the things hurting my heart, like the lightning bug I found half dead in the house. I tell Him when I know my attitude is wrong or I've done something wrong. I've vented to Him, just like you would do your closest friend. Because He is my constant companion, & so much more than a friend. If you had a really close relationship with your father or mother, you might have told these kinds of things to him or her. I tell people you can even cuss when you talk with God, although I certainly don't. I think the talking to a parent thing works pretty well here. If you talk with Him the way you would a beloved parent or other authority figure (aunt, uncle, much older sibling, or even a close family friend), & you listen, you'll develop that kind of relationship. And it's possible whether you ever enjoyed that in your family or not. I had very little access to that kind of love & bonding growing up, but now I have it with Him, beyond my wildest dreams. YOU can too!!!

Part I of 2 Today - The Situation...

Only one thing on my mind today - the decision I made last night to move forward with my life in a huge leap of faith, to trust God & the Universe! I'm cutting the ties, freeing myself, leaping totally into the Arms of God in faith & trust. And I'm crying, because I sense the Love waiting for me, the Joy. I believe there's that huge nest of angel feathers to catch me if I fall. I'm almost scared, but I'm not. I'm so excited! I can hardly wait to see what happens next! By the way, I'm writing this but I'm also not. I'm receiving help with the words, as I usually do, but even more so today. I have no idea exactly how I'm going to tell this story, only that I can't move on with my day until I share it.

October 17, 2010 I grabbed my mother out of bed around 2:00 a.m. & packed a few things, packed up the cats, & we fled for our lives. We ran to my daughter & best friend in Maryland, from Pennsylvania. We didn't return to Pennsylvania until November 2, 2010, the day after the threat was over because my husband (now ex) went to jail on November 1. The man I was married to had threatened to kill my mother if she called the police on him again for extorting money from her, after he'd stolen her life savings. I called the police that night, the 16th, & he didn't leave when they requested it. So I was left alone in the house with him, my sickly & dependent mother, & 5 cats. When he spoke with the officer & with me, I could hear my death in his voice. I can't begin to tell you what that sounded like, how different he sounded. I'd heard him sound wildly crazy before, when she called the police on him & he was desperate to get me to let him move her into my home, October of 2009. At the time I didn't know what was going on, only that he sounded insane, made no sense, was wild. Later I discovered he was desperate to move her out of state before she could talk with the police again, before she discovered he'd taken all $500,000 instead of just the $9000 she knew of at the time & charged him with. This was different.

So we ran for our lives & it was the beginning & end of a nightmare. On one hand I took full responsibility for my lifelong abuser, who was nearly entirely dependent. I put my life partner in jail, thus ending what little help & buffer I had within my home. I was left with care of my mother, no job, past due bills, the cleanup of his crimes, no money of my own, a house with oversized rent, a house full of unpacked boxes of his stuff & hers, & a huge IRS lien on her income because of her stocks he sold & pocketed. On the other hand, I was now free of his abuse & presence, left with a hole where my life had been. I alone got to choose what to then make of my life. My choice was to become a Reiki practitioner, start my business, try to care for my mother & clean up the mess rather than walk away, & to finally have my life be about following my calling, which is in serving God. That's always been in me but I wasn't ready before, & it wasn't my time yet. Now, I made it clear at the time that taking care of my mother & working through the mess was a limited time thing. I figured I had about 6 months of it in me, 8 or 9 at tops. We would live off her income while I looked for evidence to use to gain restitution for her, cleared out the house, took care of her, looked for a job, cleared up the IRS situation, etc. I hoped it would bring an opportunity for healing in our relationship. I hoped it would give me the chance to finally put my inner demons to rest, to resolve the relationship & overcome the abuse. I told her I'd take care of her as long as she cooperated with me in her care, in our living arrangements, until her care became beyond my capabilities, or until I just couldn't any more due to lack of progress in our relationship or her cooperation. She too had a choice - that or assisted living as soon as we got back to Pennsylvania.

Going through the boxes of his papers & things was very hard on me. I kept finding nasty things he'd written about me, signs of his theft, nasty surprises in every box that reminded me of all the hurt he inflicted on me over the years. I had to deal with & heal from so very much. I had to come to understand why I sold my self to him, gave up my independence & responsibilities, & allowed myself to be abused by a Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde. I was with him for 10 years & gave up my job, my home, my family & friends in many ways, to be with him. Dealing with the why & healing of course brought me to my childhood, & I had to deal with that while caring for my abuser. On one hand I was dealing with all that at home. On the other hand I was participating in Reiki Exchanges, taking advantage of every chance to heal & grow spiritually, & trying to get my business started. I made friends in the Reiki community & have a terrific support system between friends & family.

In the end I've had limited success. I couldn't entirely call off the IRS, but they've backed off. I couldn't prove anything that would allow for real restitution. I've gone through all his boxes & had to just let it go. I still feel overwhelmed by all of her boxes & all his mess still here. I've got to have a sale & can't even find the space or energy to stage it. Yet I need the money, the clearing. I haven't found a job, my business isn't self-supporting yet much less supporting me.

Most of you know this whole story so I appreciate you hanging in here. Part 2 is much better, but this was very therapeutic. In 8 months I've accomplished about half the impossible task I took on. I've moved on as far as my ex. Every time God opened a door for me, I walked through & asked "what next." So I've been healing & growing this whole time.

Part 2 - Watch Me, Here I Go - My Biggest Leap of Faith Ever - No Stopping Me Now!

To finish the background story, there's my mother. The relationship has healed as much as possible at this point. I have changed, she hasn't. All we can do is change ourselves. She cooperates briefly, then quits. Her goal is the same as it's been all my life - to keep me chained to her. You have to understand if you don't know all the background - she's been mentally ill my whole life. She's just never been formally diagnosed. She was partially functional until I got engaged to my first husband in 1980. She then took a disability retirement & gradually gave up functioning. She gradually quit associating with others, bathing, cleaning her house, doing laundry. She makes herself ill to gain attention, & I'm the only attention she wants. She's been doing the illness cycle since I was a teen in the early 1970s. I've had many years of coping with this, many years to try & understand her. After I married in 1980, she tried to get us to move in with her. Later she resorted to telling me that it was inevitable that I do that because I'd have to take care of her.

Last night I realized that it's time, past time actually. I've done all I can for her, for us, for the relationship. She's sliding downhill rapidly in her conscious & unconscious attempts to continue to hold on to me & perpetuate the dysfunction. At this point it's past the stage of being healing for either of us to have her here, & is entirely holding me back. I haven't been able to get a job or stage the sale, & her current level of dysfunction is so demanding that I'm becoming non-functional. She's draining me, causing the progress I've made in all areas to diminish. Fortunately, she's stepped up to dramatic lengths, now functioning like a one-year-old. That allowed me to come to this decision.

ASAP I'm moving her into assisted living. Tonight I'll call my kind & caring neighbor to see when he's available with his pickup to help me move her bed & things. This afternoon I'll go measure her room there. Within a week it should be done.

Just like I had to give up on & let go of trying to resolve the situation with my ex, I have to let go of this. It's very hard for me to let go before entirely accomplishing a goal. But, I've done my best & you have to know when going on becomes counterproductive.

Now I'm stepping out without a visible net. Most of her monthly income will go toward her care & needs & mine will be a separate household. Many of my expenses will go down but not enough. God has again presented me with a door, & I'm stepping through, asking "what next." This one has taken way more courage & faith than becoming attuned to Reiki required :) But I've started asking God & the Universe for what I need, set my intent. When you do that truly, & your heart is in service, the answers come quickly. I've kept my intent right & pure, that's important too. And there is a net under me, the same one I relied on especially during all my single parenting years - my loving friends. And now I've gained some family as part of that net. And now I know that God & the Universe, my Angels & Guides, are part of that net, & how to call on them. And I'm ready & at least partially equipped to do my part. For me, this is the biggest door ever presented, the door into the unknown. I know the final outcome but the path is hidden so I have no idea how easy or rough it may be, what I'll encounter & need along the way. I've chosen to see it as an adventure. Who will I meet? What will I see? That's as far as I've gotten, because it hasn't started yet & I'm in the moment. The real excitement is yet to come!