Back to Myself - Attitude is Everything

I was in a frenzy the last week of February, looking for a car I could buy. I had a friend who was going to take me shopping for a used car on 3rd, & I believed I needed a car so I could continue looking for a job. So I felt my main job that week was to run down leads. As I've said, our job is to do all that's in front of us to do, each day, & let the Universe direct us from there.

Most of February I was rather down, & scattered. On February 7 I had a car accident since I was already feeling rather scattered, trying to find a job. The accident wasn't that bad but I hit the back of an SUV with my 1995 Honda Civic & the insurance company declared it a total loss. I was very attached to that car so the loss was hard on me at first. And it was my first real accident so I had no experience dealing with the decisions & possibilities. I couldn't understand why this had happened, either. I ask the Archangel Michael for protection each & every day & since I relied totally on that car, I always asked for protection for it, too. It seemed at first as if my "luck" had gone from bad to worse, something a dear friend is struggling with. Why me? I've been working on manifestation for so many months now, since last summer. I manifested this wonderful house to rent, "against all odds." A month after I moved in, everything changed & started going "wrong" one after another, & now this. Here I am in the city, looking for a job, & relying on going to a laundromat because my washer broke just before I moved & my dryer is electric & the house has a gas hook up. I needed my car & it seemed that the "worst" possible thing happened right when I was finishing coping with a couple of other difficult "blows." Then at the end of February I found out that the money I was using to live on while looking for a job wasn't coming in for March, never would again. Don't ask me - it was a weird situation & I won't explain. It was a situation that linked me to my mother in an unhealthy way, kept me obligated & tied, was always a huge burden. I kept praying for release & freedom. Those of you who've read enough blogs can surely understand at least a little of this.

I felt like I spent until mid way or so through this past week in a fog. I felt like a lost little girl. Confusion was swirling through & around me & I just couldn't see my way through it. I was confused in my job search, confused by the website for the Pittsburgh buses, confused about how to proceed. I was perfectly willing & trying to do the next thing before me but was confused on how to do it. But I kept trying, & praying, & working with the angels, manifestation statements, "I Am" statements. In fact, I finished rewriting my "I Am" statements early in the week. Trying & moving forward worked. On March 3, my mentor redirected me completely away from buying a used car & into a job & resource search. It took me about a week & a half to clear through the fog, but I was moving forward, in an entirely different direction. The Universe again used him to benefit me. I can't tell you how many times this has happened. This man is an Earth Angel in my life. What happened it exactly as I've been taught by Mike Dooley that it would. I was moving forward but in the wrong direction & the Universe stepped in through this man & changed my course. If I hadn't been moving forward toward buying a car, the conversation wouldn't have happened.

I am at the lowest point in my adult life in some ways. No car, no income, no job, & bills & needs. I've been behind on bills & in trouble before, but I've always had a car at my disposal at least part of the time, even when my first husband used our only car during the day. I've never had trouble finding a car, either. Also, for 20 years of my adulthood, I at least had a husband to buffer things. And now I'm coping with all this at 56, no spring chicken. However, I actually have more going for me now that I ever did before. I have the loving support of friends & family & I know how to benefit fully from them. I've been "using" them effectively for quite some time now, have it down pretty well. I drink in the love, the faith they have in me, their kind words & emotional support. I also continue to give back in every way possible, which helps me since I'm a giver. I give those same things back to them. I also now know to work with the Universe toward manifestation, to call on angels & God to help me cope & clear the path, to direct me. I have faith greater than I've ever had before, & I call on their resources. I was in a fog, but I wasn't down for long, didn't go into a depression or linger in feelings of hopelessness or helplessness. This is true faith in action, & action is the key. I've continued to try, & to pray for others & do my "devotions." I've continued to start each day with a prayer of gratitude. I am stronger than I ever have been & I use my strength daily. I used to just be "Miss Mary Sunshine" without the knowledge of how to take that further. Now I know more, although I'm always still learning, & open & ask for learning.

I see a lot of things happening & have gotten answers & insights already. The car wreck provided a lump sum settlement to help me over the hump until I find a job. The loss of income freed me from a very dysfunctional situation & relationship, which was holding me back from some of the vital healing I need in myself, my life. It's a real blessing to be able to see the Divine plan in action, see the Universe working things out on my behalf. It helps that I didn't waste time getting bitter or angry, that after initial mourning & shock, I trusted that there were reasons behind all the seemingly "bad" things that were happening. And I stayed busy trying to move forward & manifest. One wonderful result is that I'm out of the fog now. I'm back to myself - calm, serene, focused, full of grace. And it feels so wonderful! Now that I'm back to myself, I can function so much better.

I have some lessons to learn yet from that fog time, the time of not really being myself. There was a real reason behind that too. The wonderful thing is, now I know that it's all an opportunity to learn & heal. Instead of having to repeat lessons over & over in my life, now that I'm aware that it's all an opportunity, I work on learning & "getting it" so I can move forward to a better life & me. I work at it with my brain & inner knowledge of myself, & personal insight. I also specifically ask God, my angels & guides for help in getting the messages. I am just truly finding the clarity & reality of all the life lessons I've learned over the years. Things that we've been taught can almost sound cliche but they aren't. As I once wrote in an early blog, everything is taking on new meaning, a fullness & richness of meaning. So my life circumstances seem at the lowest point but in some ways, I've risen to new heights. I've risen to a much higher awareness of the Grace, Love, & Guidance, blessings in my life.

Rewritten I Am & Manifestation Statements

This has been evolving since January. I know I wrote back then that needs were changing & I needed to rewrite them. My lovely friend Pam gave me a copy of hers & I've taken a few from her as she's taken a few from my old ones. I also finished the Mike Dooley book she lent me on manifesting change, & so entirely changed my manifestation statements based on what I learned. If you are not exactly where you want to be in your life, I highly recommend the book as a very worthwhile buy (through his website, tut.com). The full title is "Manifesting Change: It Couldn't Be Easier." At first I found the book more difficult to read & understand than most of his other stuff but it was worth it. There are valuable exercises to get you thinking in the right direction & a valuable tool to help you understand the easiest way to manifest what you want. Now my manifestations statements are simple. "I am manifesting true happiness in my life & all the blessings, benefits, & abundance that is a part of that. I am manifesting my highest good, 'beyond my wildest dreams.' So be it!" Mike Dooley talks about things "beyond your wildest dreams" so he's speaking my language. No later than the 1990s I began praying for "beyond my wildest dreams" & it is a very personal & important concept to me. I know God knows just what I mean, even though it's a quality rather than something I can describe or define. The closest word I can put with it is "exquisite." I used to ask for it in love especially, & once had it. The only dictionary I can find at the moment is not my favorite definition, but I'll quote some of it. Exquisite means "sharply intense, very beautiful, of highest quality, consummate, highly sensitive." When I first started praying for "beyond my wildest dreams" I had exquisite in mind. My heart & soul so longed for the deepest, & that's what it means to me. It's so very specific for me without expressing the nebulous details. And that's really the secret to manifestation - to have the end goal in mind without attaching specific details to it. This then allows for the highest & best to come to you. If you attach details, that's what you'll get & that's all - whatever you've fixated on. I knew & know the quality of love, joy, peace, contentment, happiness, abundance, prosperity, & such that I want in my life but often haven't filled in the details. I was doing the right kind of manifestation work back then without even knowing it. Then I got caught up in filling in the details. Now I'm getting back to doing it the way I did before I got misdirected. It amazes me how "right on" I was back then. I knew nothing about purposefully manifesting, only believed in prayer & asking God to provide. But I was doing all the right things, like making lists of what I wanted in a man so I could know myself, the things I was good at & could do in a career, possibility thinking in action. And it felt right. Not knowing what I was doing & being limited at the time by current circumstances & lack of understanding, I didn't use it & stay on course. Still, it helped. Moving forward is key & you can be redirected if going in the wrong direction as long as you're moving & trying.

The following are my rewritten "I Am" statements. "I am worthy. I am a caring, giving, loving, valuable human. I am a caring, giving, loving, good & valuable friend. I am truly happy & enjoy the abundance blessings that come with that. I am a healer & helper, teacher, guide, & counselor. I am an empath, intuitive, psychic, medium, & reader. I am hones & trustworthy, in business & personal affairs. I am compassionate toward & take good care of myself, nurture myself as I've nurtured others. I am a loving, caring, giving mother who gives the best kind & amount of attention & support to my own children & those who need & want healthy mothering. I am open to the possibilities of life. I understand that there will be unexpected pain & unexplained events but I am one who learns & grows from them. I make a great difference, am a catalyst for bringing good to others & situations. I am resilient & a creative problem solver. I am grounded & clear thinking, able to discern & be guided to the next stop in my path. I am becoming the best me I can be. I am able to change & adapt as needed for my highest good. I am able to call upon angels, teacher, guides, Jesus, Mother Mary & God as needed & I do this as often as I need to. I am open to their guidance & direction for help in navigating, & in guiding others. I love myself unconditionally. I feel my feelings but am able to handle the highs & lows effectively. I am a clear guide & gifted writer & speaker, & able to channel messages at will. I am a gifted animal communicator, open to their messages & needs, working for their highest good. I am an accomplished business woman & business manager. I am healthy in my spirit, emotions, body, & my sexuality. I work with the laws of manifestation to create "beyond my wildest dreams" even as my dreams continue to grow. I am the embodiment of grace in action. I am grace, beauty & joy for myself, animals & people, Creator, the Universe. I am taking responsibility for my own life. I can cope with any situation. I am grateful for all this is in my life. I am releasing all of the past hurt in my life & turning it into love. I am a unique, radiant, loving being. I deserve the best that life has to offer. My needs are always met. I have a right to express my desires to myself & others. Life is unfolding as it should. I am honoring my body & feel good about my sexuality. I am deserving of all the love, joy, & prosperity that comes to me. I am open to receiving all the best that life & the Universe has for me. The love I feel for myself & others is unconditional. I love myself for who I am & the potential within me. My thoughts & speech are considered before I utter them. I am choosing to live my life from a place of love & contentment, choosing to transform my life & become free. I am releasing all limiting thoughts & am lifting myself up to ever higher levels of awareness. I am an effective & creative priorities manager. I am a great master of manifestation & I always manifest what's needed for my highest good easily & effectively, naturally. I am an achiever. I am effectively channeling & working with the child within me. I harness, feed, use, & benefit from the child within me while operating in the world as a fully functioning adult. I am at the peak of physical health - at my best weight, in shape & at peak physical capability. I maintain this through a healthy lifestyle, healthy eating & a healthy amount of the best kinds of exercise, activities & play for my highest functioning & greatest good."

I've also added one Doreen Virtue angel request to the angel work I do daily. It's been rewritten a little from her original. "Archangel Zadkiel, please help me heal my heart. If I'm holding onto unforgiveness, please help me to release it fully. If there's something I'm not seeing, please help me to see clearly. If I need more compassion, please fill my heart with mercy. When I'm worried or anxious, please fill my heart with faith & calmness. I now surrender this situation fully to you & I trust that your God-given healing power takes care of every detail with divine grace, harmony & wisdom. Thank you."

Imprinting

I've heard about this in the animal kingdom. Baby animals are imprinted to their mothers & vice versa. It's the bonding process, which makes mother animals recognize & care for their young. The babies know their mothers, & then learn from them. They're driven by innate instinct (the babies) & what the mother teaches them. Human babies & young experience the same things - imprinting, & humans too have instincts & learn from their mothers. The imprinting in humans continues all their lives, but is strongest in early youth. Most people don't think or know much about imprinting, or understand that they're subject to it. I'm sure there are other terms for this in humans, but looking through a thesaurus didn't help.

Since Davy Jones' death I've been watching the first season of the Monkees on DVD, & watched a DVD of a live concert from 2001 or so. In some ways I enjoyed the live concert more because it's more the way I remember Davy looking & sounding. I didn't get to see them live until the mid 1980s. But I noticed my reactions to the TV series more, especially the closing credits. I find myself smiling & happy at the end of every episode, first of all. Then I noticed that my eyes are fixed on every image of Davy & I wince at the words across his face obscuring my ability to fully see him. After experiencing this over & over, imprinting came back to me. I realized that during that very first season, when I was about 11, I became imprinted because I did the same exact thing week after week. Many years ago I discovered an even greater reaction when watching reruns of the old Lassie series, & I know I react to the old Roy Rogers TV show too. I tear up a little during the "Happy Trails" sung closing. I used to tear up at the end of every show. At the end of the Lassie series, I actually cry a little, even as an adult, just as I did as a child. Never fails, never did. I used to get very upset when Lassie was in trouble, & always cried at the end of the episode. Remember, when I was a child that was it until the next week. There was no Tivo or DVD, no cable reruns later in the week even. The Lassie series was replayed briefly in the 1980s when a new Lassie movie was made. I didn't have the same reactions to the Lassie movie, even though I really enjoyed it. I'm imprinted to Lassie, but wasn't to the movie, only the mainstays of the show - the opening & closing credits & music. The same is true largely with The Monkees & the Roy Rogers show. Although I have noticed that in certain favorite Monkees episodes that feature Davy, I've had a familiar reaction to my favorite parts.

I'm not sure how many of you will be able to relate to this TV imprinting. I'm sure some of mine was extreme, given that I was a very needy, insecure, abused child being raised in an extremely dysfunctional home. But I'll bet many of you did imprint to TV shows in childhood. The point is, we do imprint hugely during childhood, but we also imprint throughout life. There are certain TV shows I avoid now because of my most recent ex husband, even certain foods & places. I don't want to go to Burger King because of him, for example. And 1 1/2 years later, only now am I thinking of eating Kraft macaroni & cheese with boiled hot dogs. I cringed at the thought all this time. In a recent blog I talked about those closest to us being able to "push our buttons." Those "buttons" come from negative imprinting.

Parents raising young children need to be aware of what imprinting they're giving their kids. Adults aware of the concept can become aware of their own "buttons" & work toward healing. I think it's important to recognize that imprinting causes us to react in a way that's become automatic to us, is unavoidable unless we become aware of it & work to heal. I would have to work very hard to change my reaction to the Lassie closing credits. Deep inside, I still mourn that the show is over for another week in that moment, & have a combination reaction that combined my love for that dog & my sorrow that she was in trouble during the episode. I have no reason to do that work, because although I'm sad enough to cry for a few moments, it does no harm. In fact, it's a familiar feeling that I enjoy, sort of bitter sweet.

Some of us work very hard at achieving full emotional healing from our pasts, & are dismayed when something else crops up that shows we haven't healed fully. We need to be aware that due to imprinting, some of it is too deep within us. It comes out in layers & we're not aware that more layers remain because of how deeply rooted, imprinted it is within us. Pay attention to your reactions to things. It will clue you into imprinting, layers that still need healing within you. It's much harder to achieve healing from things of which we're unaware. But whenever our "buttons are pushed" by something said or done or something that happens, that's a clue. If you pay attention, you can decide whether there's a need for healing based on your reactions & the strength of them. 

Tribute to My Kids

This might be another self-indulgent subject, but hopefully there's a message for you here. My daughter turned 30 & my son turned 25 a few months ago. I was not the best mother when I was raising them, especially with my daughter. I had hidden the deepest parts of the abuse at the hands of my mother so far within me that I reacted to it without knowing why or what. Only the tip of the iceberg stuck into my conscious mind, which was bad enough. That hidden experience controlled me at times, & I controlled it without the knowledge of what I was controlling. This is why many who are abused go on to abuse. We can only control ourselves so far without knowing what we're doing & healing. And you can't heal when you're not really aware of what's there. I did way better with my kids than was done with me, but I carried a rage deep inside that I was totally unaware of. And all parents know that despite our best efforts, things come out of our mouths that we heard our parents say & swore we never would, as well as reactions. Those of us who deeply love our kids do our best to be better parents than ours were, especially if there was some kind of abuse or lack.

Despite all that, my kids are lovely, successful human beings & I'm very proud of them. We all want our kids to grow up & be the best they can be. Some have specific goals for them, desires for them to fulfill & that's not really healthy. All I ever wanted for my kids is the same things I wanted for myself. I wanted them to be happy, contented, fulfilled, healthy in body, mind, & spirit - the best of themselves that they would be. For specifics, I wanted them to be loving, caring, kind, giving humans who would make a positive difference in the lives of others. And those are the greatest values I tried to teach.

I am so very proud of both my kids. I just got off the phone from a conversation with my son. I didn't initiate this one. He tends to worry about me & so I didn't seek him while I'm struggling. However, he already knew from Facebook that I'm now without a car. I also had to tell him I'm still without a job, entirely without a current source of income. He was wonderful. He would have given me "the talk" if I'd been depressed or needed an attitude adjustment. He was very loving & sweet, pleased that I haven't been ashamed to apply for public assistance, & that I'm working the best I can with all resources available to me, open to all help.

My son has become an Edward Jones financial advisor & is doing so well with it that he'll soon be getting his own franchise office. My ex failed at a similar business because he didn't want to work hard enough at it, or within the honesty guidelines. I'm so very proud of my son because I know what kind of work it takes & how hard it can be. Many years ago I was in a similar business with my ex, & it's something I simply wasn't good at. I never would have envisioned this for my son, but I'm so very proud of him for working so hard, his honesty, & integrity, & his brains. He is also a very loving, kind, giving, caring individual who very much loves & respects me, his mother. We are very close, almost always have been.

My daughter & I haven't always been as close, but for about 10 years now have been growing ever closer & now our relationship is all I've wanted it to be. We're best friends as well as mother/daughter. We're cheerleaders for each other, supports, constant sources of love. We talk or message each other way more than my son & I do. A lot of that is a "girl" thing, & some of it is his personality. I wish he & I would talk more often but I know it's not lack of love or caring on his part. Now, please remember that phones & messages work both ways so instead of complaining about people not contacting you, contact them. Usually one person is the main initiator when comes to that. Often, that one person finds him/herself in that role with most friends & family members. In that position in the past I've felt unloved, & that's wrong. It's just how people are - some initiate & some don't. So if you find yourself in the role as the one who does, just do it & don't give it a bunch of thought. You can't change others but you can make those contacts yourself when you feel the need or that too much time has passed. I was the one to call, write letters, keep contact going with most of my friends & family members all my life & have accepted that.

I'm so very proud of my daughter. She's a licensed clinical social worker. She spends her life helping others. It stemmed from her own pain thanks to growing up the child of her father & me. She's done so much healing & growing, & has been of true value to others. She does it in her private life too. It's so funny to hear her "go into social worker mode" when chatting with someone who expresses a need, or is unaware of a need. Because she's in a profession of helping & healing, it's a wonderful mode to hear in action, which is why it makes me laugh. She also has the ability to laugh at herself, & it's wonderful to hear. She too is not professionally what I thought she'd be, but entirely the person I hoped she'd become. I didn't actually project what profession I thought my kids would end up in but you know what I mean when I say it's not what I envisioned. We know their personalities & have a general type of profession in mind, have an idea of what we feel they're suited for. Our kids don't always understand or go along with what we choose to do in life either. My son doesn't really understand Reiki healing so I don't really talk with him about it. However, my daughter actually loves me to give her Reiki treatments & I've attuned her to Reiki I, my first student, which thrills me.

I never take the love, attention, care, or respect of my kids for granted in the least. I'm always very aware of my feelings toward my own mother. Being around her or even talking on the phone is very uncomfortable for me & done only out of duty. I don't know how much love, if any, I have for her. I have no respect for her, but do treat her respectfully. I believe all humans deserve respectful treatment. Because of all this, I don't ask for attention or care from my own kids, despite what I've given to them. That's my job! I owe them everything & they owe me nothing. Having them means I took on the lifelong job of giving to them according to their needs within the role of "mother." I don't believe that it's a two-way street & that it then obligates them in any way. Depending on what you believe, it was my conscious choice to have them & not theirs to be born to me. Now, that's not what I believe any more but I still don't believe they owe me love, attention, respect, loyalty, care, etc. This means I'm always in awe, gratitude, & true appreciation of the love, attention, respect, loyalty, & care they give me, & the quality & quantity of it. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes when they express their deep love & care of me. I'm so very grateful. I love them more than I could ever express or fully show. They mean more to me than anyone or anything else on earth, more than I could ever express or fully show. They are my treasures. Remember that "Acts of Service" is one of the biggest ways I show my love. I was a stay-at-home mom when my kids were young. I was a Tupperware manager, but my kids were usually with my husband when I was out working. During my single parenting years, I worked outside the home but gave my kids all the time & attention I could. I took them to athletic practices & games, scouts, Sunday School, & church activities. My second job was them, & I didn't have that much of a social life. I spent my evenings & weekends in bowling alleys & bars when I was a kid, reading by myself most of the time. I wanted to give my kids the gifts of myself & activities suited to them. I knew my time would come when they grew up & left home, & it has. It might seem silly, but I feel especially rewarded when my kids list foods I made them among their absolute favorites. And cooking Thanksgiving meals or baking cookies with my daughter remains one of our favorite things to do together.

I was going to end the blog thee but I can't stop thinking about my talk with my son. He's even going to help me in my job search! He lives in Iowa & I live in PA, but he thought of how hard & confusing job searches can be! He said he remembers being in a similar position. The resourcefulness of my kids just blows me away each time. They constantly amaze me with how empathetic, knowledgeable, caring, giving, & creative they are. My daughter was so helpful when I needed to make decisions about whether to try to buy my totaled car back from the insurance company & have it repaired, helped me see my options & provided knowledge I didn't have from her own experiences. These days I think our need of each other is equal, & they have become valuable resources in my life. I give to them according to their needs & they give to me in accord with mine. They so enrich my life! One of the things most on my heart is my daughter's efforts to have babies of her own, & I support her through prayers, intent, & loving listening. My son's needs are always on my heart too, & I support him in every way I can. And I've gained 2 wonderful children in the process. My daughter is married & soon my son will be too. I adore their choices, very fortunately. I've truly gained. But if I hadn't, I would still have to be loving & giving, supportive, unless there was mistreatment or abuse taking place. It's really not up to me to approve or not of their choices in life. My job is to support them & their needs so matter what. That job continues forever. Kids & pets are lifetime commitments we've chosen to make, but also the gift that keeps on giving. Back to my more regular type blogs tomorrow.

Meet My Cats - Part 1 of 2 today

I could hear Patty Stanger saying "meet my millionaires" as I typed that. Seriously, if you live in the Pittsburgh area & aren't allergic, you should come meet my cats. For the rest of you, here's their profiles. Before I get into them as individuals though, I want to say that cats are vital, active beings who keep me engaged & active. They're always giving, entertaining, engaging, healing, loving, & they need me. With cats, you get out of them whatever you put in & more so, very much like with children. They're the toddlers that never grow up, without the terrible twos for the most part. If you put in bolding, really feeling their needs & personalities, true understanding, appreciation of them, rapport, love, play - whatever you put in you receive in return, magnified. But it's more subtle than with dogs, more like with people, & the Universe. You have to be sensitive to the benefits & gifts, aware to fully perceive them. Perhaps today's blog is pure self-indulgence. Way too many words for some, & certainly not enough to really do justice to the unique, beautiful, loving being who daily grace my life.

Whiskers is my oldest. He turns 12 in April. He's a grey tabby with cream accents, a white blaze (stripe down his nose), white cheeks, throat, chest, & belly, white paws & whiskers. Right now he's sleeping on my bed. I give him Cosequin for cats once a day & he now plays like a kitten again, but much less often. Whiskers & Breezy are my heart. I deeply love all my cats but I'm closest to Whiskers & Breezy, & they enjoy all the benefits of that. He was found on the farm in Hagerstown in tall grass just in time to be missed with the lawn mower as a small kitten by my niece, & they couldn't keep him. My beloved Bonnie cat was near death & so I was allowed to adopt him. The first time I held him he wanted to get down, had been kept in a small cage. I held him securely & firmly in one hand, against my chest, & he soon fell asleep. My Bonnie acted as a mother cat briefly before her death, & the day she died he slept with me for the first time, nearly in the exact position by my pillow that she used to be in with me. Whiskers used to invent games with my ex, chase & sock pulls. Daddy was for play & Mommy was for petting. I discovered that he's one of those rare cats that's too sensitive to petting on his body, that he only likes it around the neck & head. I learned to pet & scratch him in the ways he loves. He's very scent oriented, likes to smell my breath & sniff my hand before I pet him. Then he flips my hand up with his nose to tell me he's ready to be touched. I'm the only object of his affection & have been since Bonnie died. In the evenings when I put my feet up on the couch he gets behind me & often leans on my shoulder. He doesn't like other cats around me when he's with me but is more tolerant of that at night. For years he didn't sleep with me often, but now that he's older he wants to be with me more & closer, has gotten more tolerant. He's very funny because he's built like no other cat I've known. He's built to be an outdoor cat, with a coarse outer coat & a thick undercoat. His back legs are longer than his front & he's very compact & short but with a fairly thick body, like a pear. When he runs he often ends up running sideways because of his back legs being longer, & sometimes he hops like a rabbit when moving slower. He's built for sprinting I guess, or leaping. He has the loudest, most ragged & healing purr I've ever heard, & he often purrs directly into my ear, only purrs for me. He is absolutely my purr therapy cat & I couldn't love him more.

Angel is 8. She's my "black cat with some white." We thought Tiger was going to die, was having surgery & the vet thought it was cancer, thought they'd put him to sleep once they opened him up the next day. A friend at church asked me to take the cat they'd found. When I asked if she was black I was told she was black with some white. I love black & tuxedo cats so I agreed to adopt her right then. I felt it was right. She was actually white with some black tabby splotches & I named her Angel within days because she is. Unfortunately, she's a rather needy cat. Her cup is never quite full & I have trouble dealing with those needs in any cat or being. However, now that I understand cats so much better & have deeply evolved with them, she's doing much better. We didn't lose Tiger either. It wasn't cancer & he lived for another 4 1/2 years until he did develop cancer in the same region (intestines). With Tiger & Whiskers (first it was Tiger & Bonnie), that made 3 cats. I'm not sure what Angel's role in my life is, but she's beautiful & unique. She is very sweet & loving, & has a very sweet face. I know of her needs & do my best to meet them. Angel loves Reiki & would often jump on my desk when I'd do Distance work.

Midnight Louie is probably part Maine Coon, all black, very large & heavy, very soft & fluffy with tufts on the tips of his ears. Louie is named for the cat in the Carole Nelson Douglas series. She's my favorite author & it's my favorite series of books. Louie is turning 6 soon. He's my guard dog of a cat, & he loves men way more than women. I offer my hand to him for a few little licks & he sometimes comes to where I am for a little attention. Otherwise I have very little contact with him, other than to talk to him. But he's my main source of protection. He's also my source when a cat is accidentally shut into a closet, acts as a "bird dog" at that point to tell me. I also go to him for help when I can't find one of the cats. Cats all have jobs & Louie's was to gentle my ex & thus protect me. So just out of kitten hood, he began cuddling with my ex & having very little to do with me. He did a great job of taming my ex, & had a lot of trouble adjusting when he lost his job. He lost his job October of 2010 when I caged all of them & took them to Maryland in the middle of the night. We were all running for our lives after my ex threatened to kill my mother. Louie's not been the same cat since. When he was young he was very acrobatic & energetic. He could leap from the cat tree & hit the hole in the nylon tunnel being held up in the air, like a circus performer. He loved to do that. He was so high energy that my ex used to joke about getting him a ferret for a companion, so the ferret could ride him. Louie loves to visit with people who come here, especially men, & very cat-loving women. He often gets on the massage table when I do Reiki, to visit & lend his energy. I have no idea what all he protects me from these days but now that I know that's what he does & how well he does it, I feel very safe. And he appreciates me much more now that I understand his role in the household. He & Breezy were very close & loving, used to play together all the time before the flight to Maryland. Now he & Karma are close & sometimes play together or groom each other.

Breezy is turning 4, is the "ferret" we got to be a companion to Louie 2 months after Tiger died. She's the one I adopted on purpose, but from a no-kill shelter. She's the most adoptable & adaptable, & chose me to adopt her while rejecting some others. I was about to choose another cat but she was so engaging & responsive even while in the cage. Her foster mother taught all the kittens to be very easy to handle in all ways, but I'm sure Breezy didn't need teaching. As soon as the woman took her out of the cage & I stepped near, Breezy turned in her arms & reached out for me. As soon as I took her, she wrapped her arms around my neck & rubbed my face with hers, put her mouth to my ear, then pressed her mouth to mine. Breezy actually kisses, & loves to be kissed. Sometimes she licks, but mostly she kisses, presses her mouth to mine or my face. She understands the words "I love you" perfectly, & especially loves to hear her name attached to that. She responds with a kiss, & then rubs her mouth on my face. She's the most affectionate cat I've ever known, & the most precocious. She's a clown, a stinker, & a lover, the most lively cat I've ever know still. She & Louie were about 5 months old when I adopted them. She stayed a kitten for about 2 years & still often acts like one. She's very lean & muscular, with very sleek black fur like a seal, & beautiful green eyes. She's my ambassacat & everyone wants her. She too likes to get on the table when I do Reiki. I'm so thrilled & honored that she chose me as her person, to take her home. She's all the cat anyone would ever need, all cats in one, like no other cat I've ever known. In the winter she starts out sleeping with me at night, pressed up against my chest after kisses, under the covers, in my arms. She often helps me settle down for sleep with her purrs. I feel so calm & peaceful, that all is right with the world & all her love when she settles in my arms at night. Eventually she ends up sleeping by my legs on top of the covers. I believe she too provides me protection at night, right there with me, guarding me. During the day she's often around me whereas Louie & Whiskers will be wherever they're most comfortable & want to be. She often jumps up on the toilet lid (which I always keep down) or wherever else is convenient to me, & reaches her arms up so I'll pick her up & cuddle & carry her. I always do, so she waits for me even if I leave the room briefly. I hold her to my chest, kiss the top of her head, & she lifts her face up to kiss me. I cuddle & talk with & pet her as I walk, & when I get to where I'm going she's ready to be put down. It reminds me of the "Mommy fixes" my son used to come for when he was a toddler. I'd usually be in the kitchen & he'd be in the living room playing with Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers in the background. He'd come into the kitchen at regular intervals, wrap his arms around my leg, & get a kiss & hug & a few words, then go back to his play. That's my Breezy too. She's my heart, my giving, loving darling who always keeps my heart full. She also has the sweetest little very musical trill which she utters regularly so I know she's near even before I see her. Karma & Cassandra have occasionally started imitating her sweet trills.

Meet My Cats - Part 2 of 2

Karma & Cassandra are about a year & a half old, the sisters that were abused & dumped. They showed up the first cold night with sleet November of 2010, a few days after we got back from refuge in Maryland. Karma had been kicked or hit on the back just below her neck, had a blunt force injury to her spin that caused her back end to be difficult for her to control at times. It was noticeable when she'd sit or try to walk on a non-carpeted surface. In ways Cassandra is more shy but she was the one to scream at my sliding door the night they showed up. When I went out in response & was petting Cassandra & checking her out, Karma emerged from the dark. I thought Breezy had gotten out at first, although she never tries. Karma is also sleek, long, lean, & black, only she was very skinny & I figured out the difference fast. Now it's very easy for me to tell them apart. Karma is long & lanky with long legs, a few stray white hairs in her coarser coat, with a longer, skinny tail. She's like a domesticated black panther. Her walk is different, she has yellow eyes, & a little white on her throat & a Harry Potter type white Z on her chest. Cassandra is semi-long haired & has a beautiful, classic tabby face with the brown accents & nose. Her face is classically beautiful while the rest of her is more black & less of the tabby pattern I love. Her whiskers are mostly white, but some have black at the base. They're beautiful, long, & graceful. One of my favorite features of hers is her face, another her whiskers, & of course she's very soft. One of my favorite features of Whiskers is his whiskers because they're beautifully curved, & he has the cutest pixie like face that's so very expressive. Yes, cats have facial expressions but they're subtle.

Karma is my main personal guard cat, & sleeps against my legs on top of the covers at night. Her injury healed nearly a year ago, thanks to months of a daily dose of Cosequin (which I also started & continue to give to Whiskers to ease his aging). She was very sensitive to being petted until recently, especially on her back. These days she climbs onto my lap when I put my feet up in the evening, stays pressed against me as close as she can get. She doesn't usually face me, but she melts into me. I am careful & respectful in my petting of her. Until recently, she mostly just wanted to touch but not be touched. I've been rewarded with growing love, devotion, attention, & trust. She often follows me around, & loves to play tag with me. She lurks in the nylon tunnel (separate cubes linked together, purchases individually from Walmart). When I go past the tunnel she shoots out & snares me with her paw, feeling quite clever. She plays with toys more than the other cats, & loves to select them from the basket I keep them in. She always knows what she wants & they're her treasures. She's also a thief when there's something she wants. She took a plastic spiral key ring with a suitcase key from a basket of mine once, & it's one of her favorite toys. I'm not sure what the key opened, not something current, so I let her have it. Breezy has some little bead bracelets on elastic that she stole & I let her have. She & Breezy often act a lot alike, are best friends, & Karma imitates Breezy. Karma is best friends with Louie, & is back to frequent play, & especially cuddling & mutual grooming with her sister. Karma loves to groom others, & will lick the back of my leg while I'm dishing up their canned cat food or standing in the bathroom. She really is a very loving cat, & has her own comfort level for showing it. Few others get to interact with her though, much less touch her, thanks to her original owners. Which brings me to cat owners vs. kitty parents. I detest cat owners. Period. I need them all to "get a clue." Sorry, no way I can even talk about it, about the harm & disservice they often do. These girls are a constant reminder of that, although I seldom think about it. Instead, I put all my attention into them, doing what I can for them, including daily prayer for their emotional healing. They are sweet, very special, loving beings who didn't deserve the treatment that left them in physical & emotional pain. I work every day to facilitate their emotional healing & improve their lives.

Cassandra is coming out of her shell & will sometimes go to visitors for petting if she knows them to be safe & loving. She loves & trusts me but is still wary of fast movement or my hand coming to pet her. She prefers to initial contact, & then she soon flops on her side, leans her back into my leg, & starts to roll in delight. Then, as I pet her, she kneads the air with her pretty little paw. She & Louie both have fur tufted & sticking out from between their toes & I really see that when she kneads the air. She spends less time with me than Karma does. I never know when she'll come around & ask for attention, or where she'll be lying next. She often spends time off somewhere on her own. I don't know what her role is in my household but she's very pretty & sweet, & her face reminds me of Tiger's. It's very beautiful, she's very soft & gives me my long-haired softness fix when I need it. Louie is way softer & more luxurious, a total sensual pleasure, but not often available to be enjoyed.

Including the 6 with me now, I've lived with a total of 18 cats in my adult life, plus partially raised 3 litters of kittens, & tried to tame a feral cat & her kittens. They have all graced my life & I've learned from all of them. They all became a part of me & I loved them deeply. I carry all of them in my deepest heart. It's hard to talk about the ones who've gone on, but I'll mention the last ones before these 6 - Tiger & Bonnie. Tiger was the most gorgeous, classic black & grey tabby with the sweetest face I've ever seen. He was irresistible. He used to jump on the bookcase at the front door to great me when I returned from work every day. Bonnie was born at my home, the runt of the litter but by far the most intelligent cat I've ever known. She was the only one all black, the only long-haired cat, a true beauty & she knew it. She was a princess, a reserved lady in a cat body, & she only loved her brother, me, & our 100 pound dog. She was with me nearly constantly when I was home, participated in everything I did whether watching me apply makeup or helping me select bracelets to wear. She was dainty & delicate, the most self-possessed cat I've known, & I treasured her & every moment with her. She taught me to know cats, used to telepathically transfer to me her knowledge of all things cat - how they think & view things, tastes, ways of being cat. She taught me to think & live like a cat. I was a slow learner & still made many mistakes. In the last year I've finally learned what she tried to teach me about them, or at least some of it. I believe she's with me daily but I don't have the awareness I want of her presence. I've never stopped missing her or needing her, am crying even now. It takes these 6 all to satisfy me in her absence.

My son scorns Whiskers. What good is a cat who only loves me & you can't pet or play with? I love that he's devoted only to me, that I'm his world. His purrs always calm me, heal me, bring me a great sense of wellbeing. In his own way, he's very loving & giving with me, gives way more than he takes from me. I feel I've truly achieved something by having his love & devotion. When you've earned the deep trust & love of a cat, you've accomplished something very special. Especially with cats that have emotional issues from mistreatment, like Karma & Cassandra. When you bond with a cat it's a very spiritual, deep, & special thing. My son has never met Karma or Cassandra so I don't know what he'd think of them. He enjoys Angel & really loved Louie, loved to play with him because Louie is a man's cat & can be really playful & fun. Then Breezy came along, & she became his favorite. You can do anything with Breezy from play to cuddle & she's just so energetic, loving, & funny, a true clown. As I've said, with Breezy you wouldn't need to have any other cat. I do, but you wouldn't. Earlier I mentioned that I always keep the toilet lid down. That's because of the cats. I'm a true kitty mommy & I cat-proof my house for their own safety & the safety of my possessions just like I made my house child-proof when mine were little. I protect them just as they protect me, heal them, give to them, take care of them. They in turn do the same for me.

Cats Keep You Engaged in Life

I've had a request to write more about cats, & on Saturday a friend advised me to go do volunteer work at an animal shelter so I don't become sedentary while looking for a job & going through this rather difficult financial period. While I appreciated the advice, I actually benefit from sort of living in an animal shelter. Being sedentary is never a concern here or for me unless I'm deeply depressed, which I'm not. I've been there, done that, but I'm not anywhere near that place within myself these days.

I said I sort of live in an animal shelter because of my 6 cats. Two were adopted from no-kill shelters where they were living in foster care when not in cages on show at Petsmart. One of these was adopted on purpose after the death of one of my beloved cats & the other drew me as we were in the store buying a pet feeder. Except in that one instance after Tiger's death, I've never sought a cat - they've all found me & all were in need. The last 2, sisters, were abused & then dumped at the beginning of November 2010.

Having 6 cats means I stay active cleaning litter boxes & feeding them daily, & cleaning up their little messes. It also means that I stay engaged in life daily even if I don't leave the house or directly interact with another human being. All cats have different needs, tastes, & personalities & the ones with me were sent to me for various reasons - theirs & mine. All but one of my cats would have a great deal of trouble adjusting if I had to re-home him or her. So I feel a deep responsibility for keeping a decent roof over their heads & providing for them. This is the biggest motivation for keeping my life & home together that I have. We tend to feel "bullet proof," like we can take all kinds of risks without consequences. And I've already said that I have trouble taking care of myself vs. taking care of others. The cats are a motivation to do the things I need to do no matter how uncomfortable, to improve my health & my situation in life. I understand that they depend entirely on me & that I'm not a limitless or unbreakable commodity & resource. None of us are, although most of us treat ourselves as if we are. So, in essence, my cats are my motivation "to get up in the morning," a common phrase for staying engaged & taking care of business. And they then reward me with their love & attention, their very presence, themselves, their spirits, souls. Cats are considered to be entirely self-contained but mine do share their deepest selves with me. With cats, you get in the measure that you give. I give them my deepest love, care, self & they give theirs in return. Dog lovers may be getting the same benefits. I grew up with a dog of my own most of my life & had the best dog as an adult while raising my kids. But once cats started happening to me & I learned their subtlety, began to appreciate them & their differences, I became a total "cat person." I still deeply love dogs, but can go without one in my home whereas I don't want to be without at least 3 cats ever. As I said before, I never aspired to having 6 cats, but they needed me & I discovered that I also need each of them. It's not the number, it's the individuals. Each one has a role in the household & in my life. Each completely graces my life.

Cats are truly service animals, although rarely recognized as such. Cats domesticated themselves thousands of years ago. I may get the name wrong but I believe the author is Cleo Simons. I read that in one of her books about cats & it really stuck with me. A race of small wild cats was brought in proximity to people as mousers because of the plague & rats, & the more sociable ones chose to live with humans. From them the domesticated cat evolved. That may not sound like conscious choice to you but it rang as truth within me when I read that they domesticated themselves, & it still does. Nothing in my experience with more cats than I can easily count has contradicted that. I won't go into all the services cats perform for people. They actually are able to "fly under the radar" because of their subtlety, so much of what they do remains a mystery & I need to leave it that way. But their purrs are very healing for humans, as is petting them. It's easy to find studies of lowered blood pressure & greater health in those who live with cats, & pets in general do so much for our wellbeing. As I've said before, you get back what you give, & they keep us engaged in life, vital & active. They're very calming. More tomorrow.