Shades of Gray

The music is so loud that it's filling my ears, filling me. Just the way I like it. My poor kids! I apologize to them regularly for being their mother. My daughter has my terrible tendency toward PMS other physical problems, & they had to grow up with my music. They can tell you about listening to the same song played over & over, & loud. And me singing or dancing or crying or all 3. I don't listen to metaphysical music this loud ever. I like that to be soft & gentle. But I have to have my mood music loud enough to fill my heart. Sometimes it's jazz, or easy listening, or classical, or classic rock (read "oldies"). When did it get to be "oldies"? Feels like yesterday to me.

This time I'm listening to The Monkees, listening for Davy Jones as always. I can pick his voice out even when blending with the other 3. My mourning was cut short by the long distance romance started about a month ago, & now it seems to be over before it fully got started. It lasted long enough to do me a world of good, but now I'm left wanting & I've worked so hard not to want, need, not to be human like everyone else.

I'm so good at giving advice. I'm known for cutting through the nonsense & being very practical, emotionless, cut & dried about things. Now all my defenses are gone & my feelings are wide open. And like a child picking at a scab, I'm actually wallowing! But there's actually a good reason for it. It's a temporary opposite to repression. For once, I'm actually totally feeling my feelings, totally in touch with them. I'm allowing myself to feel them, acknowledge them & work them through.

I was journaling to get in touch with the feelings I was suppressing & get them out, handle them. It barely works sometimes, because I'm so darned good - an expert at suppression. But I realized that I was doing a lot of black & white thinking, & I'll swear I'm a "shades of gray" girl. In fact, I use that as a huge contrast between my first ex & I. And here I've caught myself in a whole lot of black & whiteness. So I pulled out the Monkees CDs & listened to the words, & started crying so hard I had to take my glasses off. The first thing I saw was one of my favorite photos of Davy at 20 or 21, then heard him singing. I'd forgotten he starts the song. I had trouble concentrating on the words instead of the voices & music, so I looked up the words, then went to YouTube & found 2 great videos. One shows Davy on the beach, some of my favorite footage from the TV series. Of course I cried through that, but I sobbed when I found the one below. It will give you a chance to hear the song, too.

As I listened to the words & read them, I realized I've never had a time when things were easy, safe, black & white. No wonder I learned to mostly see shades of gray so young! I see both sides to arguments, situations, people, events. But once something goes sour, I see it all as black. I see I've been doing that with the 2nd ex, & now I see I truly am finally healing, thanks to that psychic surgery. "Pleasant Valley Sunday" came on & I remembered commenting so often on it while living on the farm in Pleasant Valley before moving to PA. And I remembered how good my life was in so many ways back then, especially whenever we were away from the house & I was safe from his sexual exploitation. He was the ultimate black & white, Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde. Mostly he was Dr. Jeckle (the good one), & I was very happy. In all the pain I'd truly forgotten all that within my heart. Ultimate release & healing is remembering, & mourning the loss. I haven't fully done that. Now it's time - to mourn the loss of an old, old love (more than 30 years), of a life together & what was & what could have been; to mourn the loss of a much newer love & all the potential; to mourn the loss of my only truly enduring preteen crush. I'm left finally having to admit that I do want romance, that special someone, all of it. Simply serving God, animals, & people, the love that brings, the love of family & friends, is not enough for me. So to every friend I've told I can't see myself ever getting married or having a relationship again, I take it back, eat my words. Turns out I'm human & have feelings & needs still.

Oh, now I remember what started the "Shades of Gray" thing. I seem to try to make my life black & white. The latest is that I've gone from being in a very dependent relationship to trying to be totally independent. I've put myself under so much pressure to do it all & be it all & solve it all, all the mess left for me, without having the resources left along with the mess. I've struggled so long & so hard to take care of my first abuser, clean up the mess left by my second one, when I should have been more concerned with saving myself. I took responsibility for them instead of taking care of me & now I'm beginning to run out of time. And all I want is for someone to step in. My heart is breaking & I just want to be loved by "him whoever he is" & held. I want someone to share the burden for once in 18 very long, lonely months. As a dear friend of mine I haven't been able to help says, "Something's got to give." That's what I say now. And it simply can't continue to be only me!!!!!!!!! That said, I do honestly know God is with me & that my life as changed so much. I'll tell you a secret. I'm a bit superstitious. I just ended a journal, & I'm hoping there will be a magical change tomorrow as I start a new one. This one started on July 19, 2011 & I realized how many wonderful things have happened since then. I moved 10 minutes away from where my mentor moved the month before I did! I got rid of the last of the stuff hoarded by my abusers, got out of the house we shared & into the city. I directly manifested the exact house I wanted & needed. I've gained a bunch of wonderful friends, developed so many metaphysical gifts & talents, learned so much. I've done so much healing (physical & emotional), & my heart is finally opened to romantic love & in touch with what I need & want. I've finally gotten to see my Oregon BFF in person & spend a week with her! I've lost a lot of weight & gone off both types of insulin. So much good has happened. And I truly am grateful.

I'm not sure what you'll gain from this post. I only know I had to write it. As you know, I'm always as honest & open with you as I am with myself. Do you remember when I challenged each of you in December to change your lives this year, one habit or step at a time? I challenged you to tackle something new each month, rather than to try to change everything at once. Well, the seemingly downward spiral my life has been in appears to be spiraling out of control. The result is that it's revealing things to me very quickly. I feel like layers are being forcefully stripped from me daily. It's forcing me into rapidly facing truths, feelings, myself. It's got to be a good thing, despite how uncomfortable it is. Lightworkers have been told that 2012 is a year of swiftly accelerating energies & changes. If that's what's happening here, then I'm not on the collision course I appear to be. Perhaps others of you are experiencing similar things & that's why I was supposed to write this.

Advice - Prepare for Doctor & Vet Visits

Most of you know these things, as do I. Yet I blew it last week, & so often hear of misdiagnoses, so I think it's worth saying if it helps even one reader. When you go to the doctor or vet, be prepared to calmly state why you're there, what symptoms you're seeing. You need as much detail as possible. It's really good to take notes ahead of time, take them in with you. You may also need to take notes of what the doctor says. All of this is especially true when it comes to a new doctor, or taking a cat to the vet for anything that's not routine.

I'll cover cats first & quickly. Cats mask their symptoms until it's often too late or critical. This is in their genes because any weakness shown in the wild makes them attractive prey. In all the years I got "Cat Fancy" magazine, there were frequent articles about knowing your cat & noting changes in behavior. Often that's the only way to know when something went wrong, changed. It can be so subtle & you don't know it's a sign that anything is wrong. But if you truly pay attention to your cat you'll be able to recount progression.

Progression or a time line of symptoms or changes is important in humans & animals. A medical professional always wants to know when & how long. This is where taking notes ahead really comes in handy. Time of day can matter too. Anything & everything you notice may be pertinent.

And please don't wait until there are several problems or things appear to be severe. By then, they usually are. Going as soon as you're sure there's a problem is the thing to do. I know it can be expensive but not taking care of things in time can lead to much worse.

With pets you also need to be prepared to make decisions & set limits. Whenever I chose a new vet, if I got one who was less into true care of the animals, it was a one-time visit. I've always chosen those whom I can talk with & then stuck with them until I moved or they moved on. When it's come down to critical care I've been able to ask what he would do if this was his pet. Vets usually lay out 3 options - no treatment, invasive treatment & middle of the road. When asked, they've always told me they'd go for the middle of the road & that was what my gut was telling me. Only once was it the wrong decision, a cat with cancer that was so far gone that I'm really sorry I put him through exploratory surgery first. We couldn't have known because he had been sickly for years, but it still broke my heart. We had to put him to sleep the day the stitches would have come out. I could have opted to have those stitches out & worked to keep him alive for another few weeks but that would have been needlessly cruel. As their guardians it's up to us to make the tough decisions.

Last week I went to a new doctor & was entirely misdiagnosed because I was in a dither. One problem was poison ivy or some other allergic reaction & because I was babbling & nervous, I was misdiagnosed! This was a clinic on a bus line & I guess they see a lot there. Instead of listening to me, they drew incorrect conclusions about that & my other complaint. The doctor prescribed some very expensive medicine that wouldn't have done the job so I would have been doubly messed up because of this.

I went home & researched what she said was wrong with me on the computer. I asked a nurse friend of mine calmly. Then I got a second opinion. The second time I was calm & informed. The doctor listened entirely, & said yes, I'm presenting an allergic reaction to something. It may not actually be poison ivy although I'm pretty sure that's what the little vine with red hairy feet was. But it's a reaction to an allergen so the treatment is the same, & it's actually beginning to clear up. We're working on a diagnosis for my other physical problem as well, & I'm now in good hands.

Women seem to encounter being misdiagnosed more often than men. "Female complaints" can be hard to diagnose at times. I've heard over & over that women make better gynecologists than men because they listen better. However, in Maryland I had a male gynecologist who was tops. When he didn't know something he went home & studied, then talked with me afterwards. He always truly listened, too. That's why I stuck with him. Then there are the things like fibromyalgia that were misdiagnosed for years. Women have to sometimes be extremely assertive with doctors, & go in armed with facts & research. Know your bodies. When you know there's really something wrong rather than "just stress," make sure he or she is listening & takes you seriously. Pursue it until you get an answer that makes sense to you. Then, if the cure isn't doing the job or is causing further complications, go back & do it again. Start over with another doctor if you need to. Sometimes there are alternative medicines to try & the diagnosis wasn't wrong. But if in your heart you know something's wrong that isn't really being addressed, you've got to be insistent. So many take doctors as the authorities & swallow all they say, consider them experts. Be the expert yourself when it comes to your own body & make sure you convey that.

Unequally Yolked

I believe it's in the New Testament of the Bible about not being unequally yolked with unbelievers. I've found this to be so true in my life & am finally prepared to live by it. It can be as mild as a slight difference in religion or as much as being a believer with a non-believer. My first husband was Catholic & I was Methodist. We seldom went to church together because of this. The kids went with me to the Methodist church & were raised there. When their father went, it was usually to the Catholic church. A house divided is just that.

In my second marriage, my husband was a non-believer entirely. He would put down people he encountered who we called "God Squadders." It was very intimidating. He was supportive of me going to church & being involved, but was a bad influence in the home. He would go into authoritarian lecture mode against religion & religious beliefs & it was hard to listen to & live with. I had no outlet to discuss my beliefs within my home, no support for my search for my truth. At times I could discuss this with him, but I was never sure what kind of input I'd get.

When I was a kid, I was a Christian in a household of adults who were entirely selfish & self-centered. I only got to go to church when I could make it happen as a teen, through others or by biking. God was not discussed in the home, nor was Jesus. God was with me anyway, miraculously, but in an otherwise completely Godless household. Conversely, my children grew up in a home with faith, & the support of a loving Christian church family. I can see the many benefits in their lives. My daughter moved back to that community when she bought her first house, & now is in the loving embrace of that same church family. And that's what they are - the best example I've ever seen anywhere of what a church is truly supposed to be. As a teen & adult I've attended at least 7 different churches for a time, in 2 different states & several Protestant denominations including Methodist, Presbyterian & Lutheran. I've attended just one other church at all similar to my home church, & it was again a Methodist church. This is absolutely not a judgement or statement about different denominations. It's a statement in praise of the loving congregation of Mayo Methodist in Mayo, Maryland. (The name has recently changed & expanded & I'm not entire sure of the correct name now. Another church merged with ours. I say ours because I maintain a membership there because of that congregation. It's my heart's home of a church.)

The biggest lesson I've learned about being unequally yolked is not to join in partnership with someone who isn't on a path similar to mine. Recently I've seen many Lightworkers who have been married for years, married to someone who doesn't share or entirely understand their path. My work is my life & what I plan for the rest of my life to be about. I've already had & raised my kids so my life is no longer about that. I'm looking for a job but I've already had a life where it was largely about my career, & that's no longer what my life can be about. Nor can my life again be about a marriage partner, or a search for romantic love. All that truly matters to me in my life now is my work & it comes first. It includes my family of cats, of course. They're actually a part of it, the way a life partner would have to be. That doesn't mean he has to be doing the same thing I am, but he at least needs to be someone I can discuss spirituality with, who can understand & share some of my beliefs. And he has to be supportive of my work, aid my ability to do it rather than distract or derail me. Of course, he will be important in my life & get a good portion of my love & attention, but he can't be the main thing in my life. I can't do that any more. I can't live a life that revolves around any man again, or his interests & activities, views or feelings. The man has got to be a whole person & self-sufficient without me, so that we enhance each other's lives & souls rather than leach. My recent ex was very supportive of my talents & interests when it came to crafts, to a point. He enabled me to explore areas I'd only touched on before, & it was wonderful. But he always told me that it came second to all else - his demands & wants, business, etc. He put me into a hobby category rather than giving my talents the credit & full respect they deserved, & therefore held me back in ways. And his unbelief inhibited my spiritual growth. Regular negative talk within the home always yields negative energy that must constantly be overcome before one can move forward. There's already so much of it we encounter outside our homes so having it within the home really skews our efforts.

More Healing Taking Place from Psychic Surgery

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to read the blog for Friday the 6th. Sandy removed the darkness from deep within me. It was caused from years of fear that built up. Who knows what all contributed or over what period of time. I was sexually abused first by the vessel that gave birth (BV for birth vessel) to me & then by my most recent ex. Twice both abusers lived with me, the 3 of us in one house, for more than a year. I've lived with my abusers for about 35 of my 56 years. The darkness had become a physical manifestation, dis-ease. As I said Friday, she removed that & I could feel it leaving me. She also bent time to remove the 2 abusers from my life, & I felt much more free as soon as she did that. I have ever since. The next day I prayed for both of them by name as I always do, then spent some time with Sandy thanking her, telling her all she'd done for me. I was uneasy saying their names in prayer but I pray by name for people I have no connection with, haven't even met so I figured it was ok. She spoke some great wisdom to me. She told me to just leave them to God. She said they made their choices. They had every opportunity to choose the Light, yet over & over they instead chose to abuse a true innocent. Just as we leave vengeance to God, she was telling me to leave any & all healing of them to God. They are no longer a part of me & I need to release all outcome, not even pray for them. I need to entirely remove myself from anything to do with them. It was a great relief to hear that. We're supposed to pray for our enemies & those who hurt us but in the case of abusers, it hurts to even pray for them! It's a reminder we don't need.

This brings me back to the subject of forgiveness. My Oregon BFF recently told me of a conversation she had with a former abuse victim (we don't have to stay in the victim role) about forgiveness. He said some things are too much to forgive entirely. That too was a relief to hear because every time I think I've entirely forgiven my recent ex, something happens in the present that is a road block he caused in the past. He's been the negative "gift that keeps on giving." That said, I'm sure these are blessings in disguise - lessons to learn or whatever. However, they seem to be keeping me down, contributing to what seems to be a downward spiral in my life, & I simply don't want to have to work within these confines any more. It isn't easy to remain grateful in all of this. And it all keeps coming to a head at once. I do believe that some things are truly unforgivable. That doesn't mean we shouldn't work toward as much forgiveness as we can. Forgiveness is for our sake. We need to forgive all we can so that we don't harbor anger. Deep seated anger turns to rage & that's so destructive, to ourselves, our relationships, & others. However, we can never truly entirely forgive all, nor can we forget, nor do I think we can totally heal. I liken deep seated emotional healing needs like an onion. It's done one layer at a time & we don't normally know what needs healed until that layer is ready to come off. Nor do we know how many layers are left. I think some things are onions too big to entirely peel in this lifetime. But back to forgiveness. I always had trouble forgiving the BV because the emotional abuses were ongoing. So there was always more to forgive. I've forgiven enough that I don't harbor hatred toward either of them, & there's no rage inside of me. Sometimes there's a very sad anger though, when another problem they created comes up. Then I deal with it. Forgiving, healing, & releasing is a process. I'm doing well with it because I face whatever arises & deal with it.

We don't need to remain victims. We can take back our power consciously. We can decide to learn & grow & change our lives. Part of that is healing & forgiving. It all works together. But taking responsibility for your life & choices, claiming your power are the biggest parts of no longer being in the victim role. It takes awareness & intent. We all did something to perpetuate our abuses while in the victim role. In my case, I made it possible for others to use or abuse me over & over again in many different ways. In fact, I played right into the hands of that second ex. One by one, time after time, I looked back & saw ways I'd done that to myself & still didn't learn. I hadn't truly claimed my power. Now I have or I am. I'm working on it. I see how I played into the hands of my abusers & I'm determined not to do that again. This is probably the hardest fight of all - breaking out of the abusive patterns that have ruled my whole life & rewriting my roles. I have to step away from the familiar ways of being & relating to others, entirely out of my comfort zone. And I have no idea what the healthy patterns feel like, look like, are like! I'm only guessing that I'm succeeding. Each time in the past when I thought I was, I was making another variation of the same mistakes. The answer isn't to not be in relationships. It's to recognize & reject what isn't healthy & learn to see & participate in only what is healthy. Setting intent here is very important.

So on Friday Sandy removed the BV & the E2 (2nd ex) from my life. Notice I say "the," not "my." There's a lot of physical & emotional healing that still needs to take place. She started the process & gave it a great jump start & I know the healing has begun, is continuing. Last night I had a wonderful jump in the emotional healing. As I was drifting off to sleep I was taken back to high school, when I first met the E2. At the end of 1999 when we first got together I didn't have memories this vivid flood back! I could see him as he looked when I was in high school. I remembered details of how sweet & kind he was to me, why I developed such a huge crush on him. I saw him & knew him all over again, before he'd started making all the dark choices in his adulthood that shaped him, before he became a con man, thief, & abuser. I've known for a long time that I wasn't really in love with the adult him & had plenty of warning signs that I completely ignored. I was in love with the guy he was when he was 21 & I was 17. It was a wonderful cleansing & release for me. I realized just why that attachment was so strong, how I was able to shut my eyes & make such a huge "mistake." Before he started making his adult choices (which I wasn't in the picture to see), he was the family's "great white hope," the golden boy like Robert Redford in "The Way We Were." In fact, I so identified with that movie that I can't watch it beyond that first time, & I always knew the E2 was the Robert Redford character. I'm not sure why remembering everything from back then was so healing, but it was. Instead of upsetting me as any thoughts or memories of him has in the past, it laid them all to rest & helped me free & forgive myself, I guess. All I know is that it made me feel happy, light & free. I felt what I felt for him back then & finally understood what the great pull was. Unfortunately, the other pull in 1999 was the abuse angle. I mistakenly thought reliving some of it under a controlled situation, with love being brought in, could be healing. Instead, I delivered myself into the hands of a selfish abuser & user, rather than into unconditional love. I'll never try to heal in that way again - it pushed me further into the darkness. The way I was fooled was that he was Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde, so the selfish abuser & user was not obvious. And it was familiar. So was the Dr. J./Mr. H. thing, as that would very well describe the BV. Anyway, the healing is continuing daily since the psychic surgery Sandy did for me on Thursday. Please read Friday's blog for full contact information if you want her services. 

Asking for Your Help, & Want to Tell of an Incredible Healing

Yesterday I was given a huge message about asking for & accepting help. This time I got it. It's been coming often, from numerous sources. If you regularly read these blogs, you've read as I've tried to process this. I'm usually the giver & helper, healer. I've been trying to do it all on my own from a position of responsibility & power. Some of you have asked me how I am, what I need & I usually tell you I'm fine, etc. But I haven't been, by any means & I have truly been in need. I tried to take full responsibility for nearly 2 years now for fixing myself & the situations caused by my recent ex. Part of it was out of a sense of guilt, the feeling that I hadn't carried my own weight, handled my responsibilities.

It can be very confusing. I'm a healer, teacher, guide, & counselor. I teach how to make things work in your life, heal, manifest & change your life. All the while, my own life was on a downward spiral. No matter what I did right, the spiral kept going. I kept working at it all, & didn't ask for help. Part of it was lack of trust, something I learned as a child. I received terrible abuse at the hands of the one who I was entirely dependent on & that gave me trust issues. These have been brought up hugely recently. Part of it was an unwillingness to burden others with my needs. That goes into worthiness. Part of it was thinking that as a healer & "authority," I should be able to do it all for myself. What I needed to learn was that it's safe to ask for help & let others be the giver. It's ok to be a receiver. It doesn't all have to be reciprocal in direct proportion. And that I was innocent in my childhood & in that second marriage. I was being ruled by beings of darkness, those who chose the dark when presented with a being of light in their lives. They could have embraced me & changed their lives. Instead they chose to exploit me & tried to use me entirely for their own dark purposes. I have much to heal from in the physical, emotional, & mental planes. And I can't do it alone, or even just by working with the angels & God. They are all powerful but my lesson turns out to be about being a receiver, not just a giver. About balance. That you can't just be a giver because that's the wrong kind of power. I've never purposely tried to have power or authority over any of you, although that's a huge mistake I made with my kids when they were young. I got past that when I uncapped & dealt with the rage within me years ago. Yet it's a form of misplaced power & control when you try to do it all yourself & only be a giver, try never to be a receiver.

So I've been brought almost as low as possible. Fortunately, I'm finally getting the message. I know some of you out there who are making the same mistake I've been making, so I want you to listen. We aren't meant to do it all for ourselves. We must humble ourselves & submit. We must ask for help when we need it, before things become dire. We must give others the opportunity to give to us. They need that. When they love & care for us, they need to give to us just as much as we need to give to them, if not more so. It's not weakness to share your needs with others, or your struggles. Think about the joy you feel, the way your spirit soars when you truly help someone else. Don't deprive others of that opportunity by keeping your needs to yourself.

One of my hesitations has come from not wanting to put any negatives out there. You can say it in such a way that you don't do that. Another has been that I believe that God & the angels should be sufficient for all our needs. But sometimes they use others on earth to do it - again, the give them the opportunity to be givers, healers, teachers, guides, etc.

So here's what I need - prayers, healing work, Reiki, manifestation work, provisioning. At this point I need further physical & emotional healing, first & foremost. I am down to my last couple hundred dollars & I have past due bills that amount to more than what I have. I also have no car anymore. I don't have a working washer or dryer either, & getting to the laundromat is hard & expensive. I am looking for work & sources of income. I am an accomplished writer, editor, proof reader, office manager, organizational specialist, customer service rep, some sales success, administrative assistant. I have tons of office skills & am a very fast typist. I'm good at social media & word processing but am not an IT person, banker, etc. Those are some of my job skills. I was once Director of Education for a national non-profit education association & have trade show experience. I booked the meeting rooms & hotel needs, airlines, hired the speakers & introduced them & did all on site work, did all compliance work for continuing education seminars. I wrote the speaker profiles, brochures, & course descriptions, handled business meetings, wrote the minutes, etc. I supervised employees & did some of the hiring & firing. If you hear of a job possibility in the Pittsburgh area using my skills, please let me know. I live next door to a bus stop on the Lincoln Loop but sometimes need transportation to events & job interviews. Work from home opportunities & things along one of the bus stops are especially beneficial these days. As a writer, editor, & proof reader, if you have tapes that need transcribing or a book or something else you need written, I'm available. Some of you have a book in you & you need to tell it to someone who can write it. I'm available & able, willing, eager.

Personally, I do Reiki for people & animals. I'm an animal behaviorist, communicator, & medium. I am an empath, psychic, medium, reader, teacher, & guide. I am an accomplished knitter & crocheter, & working on improving my hand spinning skills. I work with the therapeutic properties of essential oils & formulate for individuals as well as common health problems. I'm willing to teach any & all of this. I work on a love offering basis for private things & a small donation basis (compared to what's received) for all else I do. I am a gardener, artist, & work with herbs, flowers, & plants. I am an Elemental Home & Hearth practitioner, & need to teach others. You don't have to be in the Pittsburgh area to tap into what I do or am offering, including Reiki. I do Distance Reiki, & there's Skype, phone, & internet. I'm available through all. I also love having visitors - all you have to do is contact me. I haven't been able to get out to events like the Reiki Exchanges I so love, or Dubravka Bencic's exquisite piano performances, & I truly miss the social life in Pittsburgh.

I care for a family of 6 cats who have been abandoned, displaced, &/or abused. They need Tidy Cats Multiple Cat Instant or Continuous Action kitty litter on a regular basis. They need 9 Lives Plus Care dry cat food regularly. They need the pate style (ground) Friskies or Fancy Feast canned cat food. They like the fishy or strong flavored (like seafood, beef, liver) canned food. They won't eat the chicken or turkey varieties. I'm being very specific because some of the 6 have health concerns, & I've had to learn what touches off their problems vs. what works for them. I've applied for food stamps for my own food needs but it only covers food & I haven't received it for April yet. I'm doing ok on food for now & if I get the food stamps like I did last month, I'll be fine for food. For those who want to learn from me & don't have money they can spend for a love offering, I'll be happy to discuss what I need that you may be able to supply.

Yesterday I went to my friend & neighbor, Sandy Davis, for psychic surgery for my greatest health concern. She is a great healer who works from her home. Every Monday through Thursday she holds healing sessions from 3:00 - 7:00 p.m., at 1841 Lincoln Rd., Pittsburgh. You can find her as Sandra Bear Davis on Facebook or on the Angel Love Light meetups.com. If you have trouble finding her, please contact me. Most of you are connected to me on Facebook & through private message I can help you get in contact with her, or give you my further contact information for any of the above. Sandy delivered the message from the first paragraph as well as performed psychic surgery. Today I can't stop thanking God & the angels & her, laughing, crying (gratitude & joy overflowing), singing, & almost dancing. (I've been so full of all this that I've had trouble getting down to writing this blog.) The healing has begun & I ask you all to help it continue with your Reiki, other forms of energy work, & prayers. Overnight I saw a huge improvement in the condition, but I know the process is just beginning & needs me & others to support it. I can't begin to tell you how serious a problem this was because I won't utter it. It could have removed me from your presence without the intervention. I let fear & shame overcome my judgment & didn't seek help. I let the affect of the sexual abuses from my past keep me from going to a doctor. I tried to work with healing on my own to avoid going. Please don't ever do what I did before yesterday! (By the way, I'd finally gone to a doctor before yesterday, am awaiting test results & treatment options from the medical world. Meanwhile, I got the messages to seek help from Sandy.) The psychic surgery was incredible & so are the results. She drew out the darkness within my body & the causes. She drew out the fear-based energy that had manifested into the physical, a mass. Please understand when I say this that I no longer live in fear based energy. This was a physical manifestation in the present from the fear-based energy I lived with due to my ex, & what lingered through much of 2011. (What I lived 2000 - June 2011 was so bad that I had a mild case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I was able to heal from late in 2011. My ex was removed from my life November 1, 2010 when I put him in jail but I was left with sole care of the vessel that birthed me until the beginning of June, 2011.) Sandy released me from the dark energy & drew it from my body. She released me from the cause, literally erasing the times in my life, the experience of my abusers, & their hold on me & in my life. She put in protections & good energy in the place of the darkness. I felt her drawing out the darkness, felt it leaving my body almost as pain. It was like you experience when you're awake during surgery but numbed. When I had my second C-section, I felt the pulling as the doctor lifted my son from my body. It was something like that. Once that part was over, the felt the Light entering my body from the top of my head downward, & I began to feel light & free, like I could fly off with my beloved lightning bugs. The psychic healing is complete & the physical has begun. Because this was major surgery, I'm asking for support as the physical manifestation healing continues. I await the official medical diagnosis & treatment options & will work with the doctors also. I will use all available aid. There's no way to repay Sandy or thank her enough for what she did for me. She too works on a love offering basis, & is available during the above mentioned times on a drop-in, first come first served basis. She can help with any type of healing that you need - physical, spiritual, emotional.

Lightworkers Remembering Their Gifts, Talents

I have taken classes through Dr. Marjorie Rivera & Sandy Davis in the Pittsburgh area, & had readings. I've also been given private messages from God & the angels about my life's work. One theme that keeps occurring is that in this lifetime (remember, I totally believe in reincarnation) we've brought our gifts, talents, & experiences from other lifetimes within us. We've carried forward the knowledge of past life skills to use in this lifetime.

This really explains a lot to me. I always felt like I was a "jack of all trades, master of none." I have so many different talents & skills in this lifetime, as well as passions & interests. I have more than I know what to do with. It's been a great source of discomfort all my life. It's been & is very hard to settle down to doing things because I tend to flit from one thing to another without mastering any. These urges & passions regularly bubble within me, sometimes to the boiling point. And I'm meeting many others who experience the same thing. On one hand, between all my skills & the various jobs I've had in this lifetime, I'm able to function really well in the world & in all kinds of jobs. And the things that I've pursued & obtained some mastery in have led to some wonderful experiences & joys. I'm just not sure what to do with all of this.

I started playing clarinet in 4th grade. By high school I was very good & music was one of my only passions. I also played the organ, & did some choir singing, conducting & composing. I truly enjoy my musical knowledge. I can name many pieces as soon as I hear them, tell you the name & the composer. I know a lot about classical, jazz, easy listening - I know music from the 40s through the 70s & enjoy it. Yet I never play an instrument any more! I also have talent in drawing & painting, & took lessons for awhile when I was 15. Painting has replaced playing music as my bliss, & seems to be a theme in the second part of my life.

Many of my interests & talents are related, fortunately. I'm very scent oriented & into flowers & gardening. I work with the healing properties of essential oils, make beautiful bouquets, grow roses & other flowers, harvest & preserve them. I have a deep passion for natural harvesting & uses of plants for healing, scent, wreath making, dry arrangements. I've been an herbalist in at least one past life & carry that within me but haven't had a chance to learn what I want to know. I have a deep desire to remember the things the American Indians knew, the pioneers, the "ancient healing arts." I say "remember" rather than "learn" because I believe & have been told that we carry this knowledge within us in this lifetime. Sandy Davis certainly has said it on many occasions.

I also love wreath making & basket weaving. The kin to that is spinning yarn & knitting & crocheting. I love creating with my hands, things of beauty & use. I want to learn more about using plants for natural dyes for yarn & basket making materials. I've gotten into a little of it & it's in my heart, as is all things plant & herbal medicine related, natural harvesting. If you break everything down to colors & scents, you have my current interests. That's the common thread that doesn't take music into account. I listen to music when I do some of these things though. My sense of colors & love of them, & scents, plays through my decorating & the things I love to do in life.

Then there are the healing arts. I am by nature a healer of animals & people. I work with essential oils & have the desire to work with herbs. I am a Reiki practitioner, for helping animals & people. I spend my life giving to others, advice & help, empathetic listening, coaching. I take in cats that have been wounded in spirit & sometimes physically wounded, abandoned. I give them love, stability, security, total understanding. I am careful of my actions, words, movements, & voice. I perform Reiki on them & do all I can to heal their pain. I do that with people too. I was given powers of perception & abilities to touch others with my words & spirit. I was given a gentle, kind, & loving spirit, a huge heart & capacity for loving. I was given a great depth of caring. Reiki has been a wonderful way to channel the needs to give, some of the power that's been given to me to help others. It has never been comfortable for me living with myself but that isn't what I contracted for in this life. I can feel & hurt too deeply & always carry within me restless urges to do more than I'm doing, to be able to do it all, be it all, work it all, live it all.

I have no true idea of all that I am able to do or what all I carry within me in this lifetime. I'm not sure how to unlock what's in me & gain what I need to do these things in this lifetime. And I'm so eager & restless to learn & do. I'm not at all sure what message you will take from this today, but this is something that's been a "topic in waiting" for quite awhile & it seemed the time to tackle it. I hope this somehow blesses your life.

Faith & Belief Need Regular Renewal & Tending

I renew my faith & set my intent every day. Sometimes I have to reset during the day or night. Whenever doubts or fears come on me, or those feelings of dread or impending doom, I fight them with logical faith. I usually don't remember to call on angels for help at that point, but sometimes I pray. Other times I think things through based on my belief system. I do the self talk, & often include talking with God.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm a good person who deserves good in my life. Sometimes I have to remind myself what kind of God I believe in, vs. what my fears are saying. Sometimes I simply have to identify the source of the fear or doubt, realize that it's not reality, it's coming from past conditioning.

The subject of predestination comes up for me often, & did again tonight. (This is being written on April 1.) I happen to believe that I contracted with God before I was born to do certain work in this lifetime for Him, people, & animals. I believe that I contracted for the major events in my life like my childhood circumstances & birth parents, my marriages & my children. Most of my life has had some very painful events but I believe I contracted for them with the confidence that I'd be able to not only survive but benefit from them. And I have. This has given me the "credentials" to help others & the ability to understand the most common struggles others live through, and many less common. I am able to tell many "been there, done that, survived & moved on to thrive & here's how." I also know that I can't relate to everything anyone's been through. I can empathize to a point but that's it. For example, last night my son was telling me of some experiences in Iraq. War veterans never tell all to anyone who hasn't been there. Families are fortunate if when they get bits of pieces & it comes out in small pieces, over the course of years. Those of us on the outside, even closest family, simply cannot fathom their experiences. But most people haven't been to war. They've come from dysfunctional families, have been abused or raped or otherwise harmed, & I can understand most of that. They've struggled to be good people, make something of themselves & their lives, & have had times where they really need help & encouragement. That's where I come in.

I have free will just like the rest of you & everyone in my life. I imagine some of the time I got into trouble in life I was exercising that free will but that the major things happened according to plan. My belief system is a great source of comfort. I believe I have specific work to do & am doing some of it now so I believe that all will be well despite a dwindling bank account & no job interviews set up. When I begin to worry or doubt, that belief system helps me stay in the game & keep doing all I can to improve my situation. I never give up because I believe, have faith. I never stay down or depressed, for the same reason. But this week I'm struggling harder than ever, too much on my plate that needs to be changed to get from where I am to where I need & want to be. I am battling fear in all areas this week - my health, my bank account, my entire life situation. I know where I need & want to be & want to be doing but I can't see how to make it happen. I know that my job is to do all I can every day I can & let the Universe do the rest. I know I have to stay positive & not put those fears out there. This week it's especially hard. And like all of you, I wonder when the good times will get here. It's hard this week to keep believing. Today's tut.com message is again a good one for today. "Thoughts become things. Of course, beliefs are important too, but your thoughts can change what you believe. And words are important, they're your thoughts that will become things the soonest. And taking action is absolutely critical, because more than anything else, it creates expectation." This just emphasizes what I know I need to be doing as far as the mental & emotional part. I have to control my thoughts. Mike Dooley says that positive thoughts are hugely more powerful than negative ones so don't worry when you have a few negative ones. They happen. He said just turn them around & think positive thoughts as quickly as you can once you've acknowledged the negative ones. Just like I tell you, you can acknowledge the negative ones to acknowledge yourself & your feelings. That's the right thing to do, vs. just stuffing them down & denying yourself. That comes back to bite you every time. But don't allow yourself to dwell long in the negative. I'm doing the taking action part by working on my thoughts & words. But I'm not sure what action to take to get myself from my current circumstances to where I need to be, & that's causing great discomfort.

I understand that everyone else has free will also & that my beliefs can't determine someone else's actions or beliefs. When I write these blogs I try to stick to universal truths & laws, life lessons rather than spiritual beliefs. To me, the things I believe are truths & I'm sure of them. Not the daily details or "cursed hows" (if you're not reading Mike Dooley then you're missing out on more than what that reference is), but I'm sure of the big stuff. However, I'm not going to preach those to you. You have to find your own levels of belief, your own truths.

There's much I don't understand yet, like the level of involvement in our lives by God & angels. I do believe that angels will intervene on our behalf if we ask them & that they can't if we don't, because of free will. I know I have beliefs about the level of involvement in my own life, yet I still have questions. The nice thing is, I no longer have to have any of the answers. In 1990 my minister told me not to worry when I told him I no longer know what I believe. He said that it was all there inside me, a whole belief system, & that when I need it, the faith would come forth. He was so wise! Faith is believing without having the answers or knowing the details, & that's where I am. I have faith in the goodness of God, the Universe, life, & people as a whole. I have faith in the laws of manifestation & in myself. Some day I'll have even more faith in myself, & that will be a true blessing. But I'm getting better all the time, & most of the time I live in a state of grace, faith, & gratitude. We are all most comfortable in our regular environment, our "comfort zone." Some people thrive on chaos or stress, & they make sure they live in a state of chaos or stress. A state of grace, faith, & gratitude has become my regular environment, my "comfort zone," my regular dwelling. As soon as I move out of it now I rush back as quickly as I can. These days I often call on the Archangel Zadkiel & on Archangel Michael for help in getting back to where I need to be, regaining my faith & calm. I believe I recently posted a variation on the words Doreen Virtue recommends to bring healing to our lives through Archangel Zadkiel but I don't remember what day that was. You can always use your own words. He helps when we need calm vs. worry, healing of our emotions & thoughts, etc. If you aren't familiar with him, I suggest reading up on him. He's in her book on "Archangels & Ascended Masters." A spiritual bookstore would possibly have a copy you can look at. You could also try looking him up online. I find the information in her book to be so helpful in my life. I rely daily on angels to help shore all parts of my life - faith, direction, action, manifestation energy.

I used to go to bed dreading the next day. I had trouble sleeping because I was plagued with unfinished business, things I wasn't facing during the day that I couldn't avoid thinking about when I shut my eyes. These days I'm addressing things so I don't have that same sleep problem. I usually go to sleep in eager anticipation of the next day's adventure. I love my mornings drinking coffee outside, talking with God & the angels, my teachers & guides. I never know what my day will bring. I don't know what blogs I may be given to write, or what messages & guidance I'll receive. I don't know who or how I'll be called to help others, or who will touch my life in what way. I only know that more days than not, any or all of that happens.