More Work with Angels & Other Beings

Each day I call on the angels to surround my heart with healing & protective pink light, & thank them. By now I forget what prompted me to start that, but I can think of every reason in the world.

I kept drawing the Law of Attraction card, meaning my tastes are changing, including in people & activities. That is so very true, so I give this to the angels to handle. “Archangels Raguel & Chamuel, thank you for helping me stay true to myself as I experience this important change. I ask for your complete & through assistance in sorting through relationships, my career, & other life areas where I feel my tastes have changed. Guide me through these changes with grace, compassion, & integrity so that everyone involved is blessed.” And of course, I say thank you afterwards.

I was also drawing the Cut Your Cords card. It's about calling on Archangel Michael to “cut the cords of fear that have been blocking or draining me in the past. I am now willing to trade all pain for peace.” I need to have someone specific in mind. That one was easy, as there are so many ties that keep surfacing. I end up working on it with him almost every day.  

I also kept drawing the Vegan card. The Vegan card is about eating organic fresh fruits & vegies to elevate my spiritual energy. It increases my psychic clarity & sensitivity to energy. The angels will make it available to me & provide me with the means to pay for it. I need to avoid chemical preservatives & additives. “Archangel Raphael, I call upon you now. I ask that you adjust my appetite & cravings so that they’re completely focused on organic & healthful foods & beverages. I’m now willing to release any attachments to unhealthful substances, & I open my arms to honoring my healthy body. Please guide my dietary choices, including my cravings & buying habits so they are pure, high vibrating, & filled with Divine Life-force energy.” The other part about Archangel Raphael is calling on him for help in healing self & others. Picture his emerald green light.

I also asked what I’m going to be doing to make money. One was the Books card, & here’s the prayer I need daily: “Archangel Gabriel, I call upon you now. Please help increase my courage & confidence to move forward with my dreams of being a published author who makes income from my publications. Thank you for motivating me & organizing me so that I spend time every day devoted to my heart’s true desire, allowing my dreams to be manifested in Divinely perfect ways without delay. Also, thank you for giving me the guidance I need on getting published, & distribution.”

Mission Statement

I wrote my mission statement earlier this month & it was an important step for me. I've been taking classes, learning & growing, & have been exposed to all kinds of new things & ideas in the past year plus. I've been receiving messages from a variety of psychics about my life work, past lives, the progress of my current life, etc. I've had all kinds of new experiences & ideas open up before me, including new opportunities. The only constant is my belief in Jesus & God, in reincarnation, & off & on throughout my life, the idea that I'm here for a purpose. What the mission statement does is define that purpose.

When you write your mission statement, it needs to come from your heart & soul, not your mind. And it must come entirely from within you. The purpose of a mission statement is to give you guidance in your life work & the choices you make. It will guide what you will & won't do in your work, your conduct, what you choose to learn & experience.

I am all about healing & helping, Light & Love, God & Jesus, & so much more. I've known for years that I'm a servant personality. I identified that in myself way back in the 80s when heavily involved in my local Methodist church. I didn't realize I was a healer until someone told me last Fall, but had been doing it whenever led. Since then experience has led me to understand many more ways to heal & help people than I knew of before, & I've been guided to make the right choices in learning. The latest included the recommendation of a written mission statement from a very gifted psychic medium I've taken many classes with & have great respect for. Now I'm recommending it to you, no matter who you are & what you do.

I've loosely had one in my mind for many years now, my own version of the Golden Rule. But having a formal one is as valuable as having "I Am" & manifestation statements. It helps cement my intent. We all have times when we're thrown for a loop by something that happens in our lives & mine came on 12/23 when I was told to shut down metaphysical activities in the house I just rented. That altered my feelings about my new home & showed me emotional healing that still needs to take place. The wounded child came forward again & I felt like I'd been bad & was being punished. I lost faith in myself & goodness, my ability to manifest - my heart started questioning everything I am, believe, stand for, am capable of. I was hit so hard (my landlady really came down on me as if I was a naughty child, & she totally blindsided me) that I became physically ill. The first things I did was give it all to God. Later I was able to think things through. I came to realize that although I felt punished, I'd done nothing wrong. I know I'm doing the work God has put me here for. I did a lot of talking with God & thinking, processing. Another lesson is that I still need to work on my ability to actually feel anger. I've been able to a little on a minor level but this was major & I'm not feeling it as anger. I only know anger is reasonable at this point so I know it's got to be there.

Everything does truly happen for a reason. I don't know the reason behind this yet & it may be awhile before I do. But it's all good. All things work for good for those who love & work for God. That's a paraphrase from a passage somewhere in the New Testament & if I worked I could find it. Probably Ephesians. I know I have it marked in at least one of my Bibles, & I see I can't quote as well as I used to. The next step, besides taking care of myself physically, was to resume "I Am" & manifestation statements, prayer for others, & my angel work (more on that coming). This is where my mission statement became important. I do know who I am & what I'm here for. I've got it clearly defined. I know what God wants of me in the long run & that helps me stand in my truth with myself & in the face of this adversity. Understand, the adversity is both within myself & from without (my landlady & the currently bleak financial picture). I have much emotional healing still to do so that I may be a clear vessel. Having a mission statement will guide me as I seek a job & as I work on healing myself. It reminds me of who & what I am, gives me the will to overcome yet another huge obstacle rather than giving up. So I challenge each of you to write your own. As always, I'll share mine with you in another blog. First, I want you to have a chance to write yours without the influence of reading mine.

New Meaning for Me - Christmas This Year

This has been the biggest year of change in my entire life. One of the milestones was a set of readings I got from a psychic at the end of April. She told me a lot about my life mission, who I am, where I come from, who I've been in previous lives. I know she was right about the things she told me because my heart & soul immediately answered & leaped forward to fill in the full meaning of all she said. Also, many pieces of my life then made sense, fell into context. And since then, it's become apparent that all she said is true.

One of the things she told me has to do with my relationship with God & another was about my relationship with Jesus. I was related to Jesus in the life on earth we know about & celebrate at Christmas. Now I understand why I was able to have conversations with Him every night for 6 - 9 months when I was a teenager, until I went astray due to the cares in my life. I don't remember a lot about that time, only a lot about the conversations. It also now makes total sense to me that a week after I received my Reiki II attunement, He appeared at my head while the other students & my Reiki Master were practicing distance Reiki on me. At that time He attuned me Himself - gave me the symbol of Universal Life & the cross. He drew them in each of my palms, as a Reiki Master gives the symbols at attunement, then held each hand in both of His.

His attunement took place in November of 2010 & last Christmas was very quiet. I was alone, depressed, no money, but I had a few presents from a dear friend with a very generous heart. I spent much of the day reading about Reiki, a quiet time of study in preparation for my new work.

This year, the other reason why I wanted to stay home for Christmas is Christ Himself. I plan to meditate on His lifetime on earth, want to try some past life work & see if I can go back to that time with Him. My heart now has a deeply personal relationship with Him but haven't had enough of a chance to just spend time with Him & fully explore & develop it. There's much I want to know & say. I want the day to be about time with Him, my Beloved. I adore Him with my whole heart & I plan to spend most of the day just with Him. I'm going to my friend's for Christmas lunch & gift exchange, going to church in the morning (Methodist, so I can be sure of getting to sing Him the songs I love & know by heart). But most of my day will be spent at home with Him, & with the kitties. This was the major reason I needed to be home for Christmas, & will affect all future Christmases. It's not His real birthday, but it's the day we celebrate His birth & Him. Now it's deeply personal.

Christmas is a Time for Family, My Personal Experiences Now

I now feel that I have 2 places to call home. This is amazing since I grew up feeling that my only true home was at the home of my beloved grandparents. I never lived with them but they were like parents & grandparents all in one & quite up to it. Part of my heart will forever be in that house in Dayton, Ohio. I was never entirely at home any place I lived before now. I either shared the house with hostiles, or was single parenting in the house I'd once shared with their father. Or I was living in someone else's house with someone else's stuff, like in Hagerstown. I loved the woman - my newly ex's mother - but it was still more hers than mine. A few years after she died I made it mine but shared it with a hostile.

Many years have passed since I left Mayo, Maryland. That's where I raised my kids & spent most of my married life with my first ex. By the time I was graduated high school I'd already lived in 5 different states, so I never got to put down roots, on top of everything else. As a young adult I moved around too - several different apartments before settling down in Mayo soon after my marriage. I did put down strong roots in Mayo. I formed family-type bonds with the people in the local United Methodist Church & within my community. I also had a successful Tupperware career during that time, which made me many new friends & truly enriched my life beyond measure. Now, after doing her own young-adult wandering, my daughter lives a few blocks from the house where she grew up. Two of my best friends in the world are also nearby, as are many of the others I knew & loved. So Mayo is home to me. I've been gone since 2000, but the time & distance has erased the pain I suffered while living there.

I was back there at the beginning of October & again at Thanksgiving & for my daughter's 30th birthday (the day before Thanksgiving). I was also supposed to go for Christmas, but begged off. First, I checked with my daughter to be sure she'd be ok with it. The last thing I want to do is hurt or greatly disappoint her. I went at Thanksgiving despite the fact that it was a terrible time for a trip because I was in the middle of the move here, to spend the time with her & not disappoint her. But I know that as far as time together, Thanksgiving & her birthday are more important to her than Christmas with me. Because of the first divorce, we've spent many Christmases apart but get together for Thanksgiving as often as possible. She once marched in the Macy's Thanksgiving parade, so she & I love to watch the parade together. We must never try to live our lives through our kids, but every once in awhile we get a gratuitous vicarious thrill through them. I had nothing to do with her being in the parade, but I had always wanted that for myself. When she was growing up we'd always watch the parade together so it's always been a big deal for us. Also, when she was little she got to participate in Thanksgiving with my family in Ohio. That was the huge, whole family event in my family, although Christmas was too. All the women would get together & cook a huge feast. After my grandparents died, we quit going & I started recreating all that at home. My daughter helped from an early age, & carries on the tradition. She also carries on my later tradition of inviting those who don't have family to spend the Thanksgiving meal with.

Christmas is a time to spend with family, & I've just told you I begged off going to Maryland for Christmas. I ended up disappointing at least 2 friends & my daughter, perhaps my son-in-law too. But no one is greatly disappointed since I was just there in October & November, which is more than I have been in recent years. Also, they all understood my reasons. One of my biggest reasons is that for once my need was greater than theirs. Now that I have a new home of my own, I have a strong desire to nest. I used to be Ms. Christmas, & decorate the whole house to the hilt. I haven't done that in years now. In fact, it's been about 3 years since I've truly celebrated at all. I honored Jesus, but that was it. All the rest of it was gone for me because of the stuff going on in my marriage. I haven't truly been in the Christmas spirit other than loving Christ since my son graduated from high school. That fall he went into basic training for the Army National Guard & then straight on to Iraq for his first of 2 tours. I was in mourning rather than celebrating anything other than Christ.

As soon as I found out I was right - that my daughter wasn't crushed that I wanted to stay home - I truly got into the full Christmas spirit. I bought a tree for the first time in years & decorated the whole house again. It feels great, to do this for the first time in my new home, the first home of my own. I dug out things I haven't seen in a few years, something I always enjoy. It's like visiting old friends, especially when I decorate the tree with the ornaments of my childhood, from Christmases with my grandparents. At the very top of the tree I put the ornament with my name that my Grandma made. On each side, touching mine, goes the one with her name & Grandpa's name. Then my heart is complete no matter what. I always cry for a moment when I pull out the ornaments & hang them. I miss their physical presence, but always feel their spirits around me at that time. Now I'm fortunate enough to know they're with me always, so it hurts much less.

The only lesson here today is that although Christmas is a time for family, it's also a soul time. We much each find our own best way to celebrate & honor the season, family, love, & ourselves. Oh, & the cats are VERY glad I'm staying home!

Anger, Rage, & Learning to Stand Up for Myself

This is a topic most people need, & I could write numerous blogs on the subject. I'll try to do it justice here, for now. Many people don't know much about rage & the origins, or even realize that they have trapped rage inside. Mine used to emerge with my kids when they were little, because I didn't know it was there & the source was my childhood. It colored all my dealings with authority figures because I didn't know how to stand up for myself & therefore was often bullied. Back then, it was usually creditors. I had money & credit, managed my finances well until I married the first time. My husband wasn't an effective breadwinner while with me & before I knew that, I'd quit working to raise our first child, hence creditor calls. Anyway, rage comes from feelings of helplessness, of being defenseless against abuse. It usually comes from deep hurts from those closest to us. It also comes from anger that is repressed over a long period. And if we don't appropriately express our anger to the one who causes it or find a way to work it out, it's disastrous. The first results of repressing anger are things like deep depressions, stomach aches, headaches, neck or back aches, & finally, suicidal feelings, loss of sense of self-worth. Over time rage develops & when it emerges it can destroy pieces of those you love or cause you to act out in dangerous or outrageous ways. Think about that word - outrageous - & look at what word sits right in the middle of it!

One way to get rid of the rage inside is to confront the cause, whatever it is. First, you have to see that it exists within you & find the cause. Then you have to deal with the cause. I didn't feel that I could confront my abuser when I discovered my rage so I cut off most contact with her. I got counseling, & that helped a lot. I forgave myself & worked on forgiving my abuser. I surrounded myself with individuals who gave me unconditional love, & whenever my hurt feelings emerged, I'd remind myself of my worth as confirmed by their love. I journaled & worked through my experiences & feelings for many years, & still do when needed. It's a great tool. You can express anything in your journal & it's safe. I also had a friend I let in the whole way, & could express anything to her too. She gave me the kind of feedback & love, validation I needed. She mothered me as my own had not. Healing from things that cause rage is a whole subject unto itself so I'll stop here. Now let's work on dealing with anger before it becomes rage.

Anger is not a bad emotion & all people feel it. It's what we do with it that can be harmful. The best way to handle anger is head-on. It's best handled as soon as possible once you can address it calmly. The heat of the moment always causes reactions instead of actions, so it's not effective & can cause further anger, can cause harm. I used to be have to confront immediately & get it out - anger or hurt, so that I wasn't left to stew or hurt an indefinite period of time. I had to be in control, yet wasn't. We truly aren't in control while in the middle of hot anger. As I said, reacting vs. acting. In my second marriage I had to learn to go away, handle my own feelings, & bide my time. It wasn't safe or effective to confront my husband. In fact, I had to wait for him to approach me, sometimes weeks later. That was a hard lesson, but I learned absolute patience, & it's serving me well. Now when I get angry I take care of myself first. I pray & call in the angels, give it to God. I quickly feel better because I've gotten a lot of practice in giving it to God in the last year plus. I trust that He'll help, as will the angels (I don't care who handles what, so give it to God & ask the angels for help also, then thank "whoever helped"). This is where the "I Am" statements & the angel work I keep telling you about comes in to help in everything in your life. When I worked outside of the home, I never would have taken the 15 minutes to start my day that way. I got up just in time to get ready & out the door. What a mistake! Doing this sets the tone for my entire day each & every day & has made all the difference. It's so very simple & anyone can do it & therefore transform their lives!

Once I've calmed down entirely, I stand up for myself. Very few people anger me these days. In fact, there was one last month & one so far this month. Last month, my former landlord made a nasty comment in front of someone else, then left me an insulting note. Yesterday someone left me a nasty & threatening phone message about my mother's bill at the skilled nursing facility. Of course, I'd been nothing but honest, cooperative, & nice toward these people prior to the incidents, so the way I was treated was unwarranted & therefore angered me. I don't treat people that way so I don't accept that kind of treatment either. It's very important for me to stand up for myself, since I've had trouble with boundaries, authority figures, & rage. I'm especially proud of how I handled the phone call from the care home, but first I'll tell you about handling the landlord. I must have been a southern belle in a previous life because I called him up & told him off in such a syrupy sweet way that he didn't realize that's what I was doing. His nasty note came while my lease was still in effect & I was moving things out of the house. With all the rain we had last month, we'd been tracking in leaves & mud, which of course I planned to clean up only after we'd finished moving & tracking, when the house was empty. I said he must have missed seeing all the cleaning supplies around & that of course I planned to clean up only after emptying the house. I also told him he didn't realize who he was dealing with, that I always aim to leave any place I am better than I found it. I then told him I cleaned years of built up grease & grime out of his stove, which I'd never used - that it was a fire hazard I'd saved him from. I did such a good job of countering the nasty things he said in a sweet way that at the end he was talking about what a great tenant I'd been. It really amused me, & I have no hard feelings or anger left. With the other, I called & left a message telling her that the message she left me was very unprofessional. I told her I'd been nothing but honest & cooperative & that I'm actually under no obligation to handle my mother's affairs but have been doing it as a courtesy. I told her if she wanted my continued cooperation, she shouldn't leave me further messages in the tone of the last one. Lastly I told her I won't tolerate being treated that way. This time I was very direct & firm. I wasn't nasty, but I definitely stood up for myself & established the boundaries clearly. I didn't need to do that with the landlord, since I knew it was probably my final dealing with him. The other is ongoing, so I needed to be firm & direct. Again, that allowed me to let go of the anger - taking direct action to stop further harassment. I did good, as I like to say (in an uncharacteristic lack of good grammar). I'm proud of myself, instead of angry.

Don't "Should" on Me!

For about 6 months I attended meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Since that wasn't the primary problem in the home I grew up in, I only took 2 good things from it. However, if that was the primary dysfunction in your birth home, I highly recommend the group. One thing I took from it was the picture of what we all lived with, no matter what kind of deep dysfunction was within the home. "The elephant in the middle of the living room." We were taught to ignore that elephant growing up, not to talk about it within or outside the home but that it was the norm despite it being a closed subject. The concept is entirely that - how outrageous, yet "understood" to be the norm. However, it was never to be talked about. First of all, how foreign is the idea that you don't talk about a norm! And the brainwashing that goes into all that. I shared that with adult children of alcoholics, only in my home there were many elephants - the air of homosexuality within the home, the drinking, the abuse. I've spoken before about being the secret keeper. That's what all children of alcoholics are, & it's very damaging.

The other thing I learned was "don't 'should' on me." Doesn't it sound like the s word? You know (s---). It's the same, really. One of my mother's favorite phrases was, "You should have known better." I heard that from an early age, always about something I hadn't been taught &/or was way advanced for my age. That cut me, my belief in myself, my self esteem, into ribbons. The other really bad use of that is telling anyone what they should feel, think, believe, or do. To me "should" is a 4-letter word & I don't use it. Instead, I say what I would do in the situation or have done, if I give advice. Or I say "you could..." That is sharing rather than telling. It's suggesting rather than commanding. It works with God-given free will. Another good one is, "You could. I wouldn't, but you could" when advising someone not to do something. I believe I've spoken on "should" at least once before but it bears repeating. So many people "should" on us.

The other day I was on a long drive with 2 women & we got to talking about the southern way of sidestepping an answer when someone is getting into your business or giving advice instead of outright saying "no." I'm courteous for the most part when people give me unwanted advice. I usually don't say I'm not going to do that, because that usually requires an explanation of why. For all that I'm transparent, I do keep some things close to my chest rather than put it all out there. Over the years I've learned to edit myself depending on who I'm talking with. If I'm dealing with advice from my nearest & dearest, chances are I'll say I'm not going to do that if given advice that is counter to what I think is in my best interests. To those few I'm perfectly willing to explain my reasons. Those are the people that I truly listen to. If I disagree, I still take in the advice. If I was wrong to disagree, it will perk within me until I see the wisdom. At that point, I go back & tell the person I was wrong & he/she was right, & my new conclusion. But to most, I'll simply say something like "That sounds interesting. I'll have to think about that." That usually ends the conversation very quickly, & I then change the subject. Usually I do that by asking them a question that leads away. Those who are no closest to me who decide to give advice get my courtesy but that's it. If the advice is counter to my interests there's no need to shut them down by saying that, & no need to put myself out there to explain why. Except for those closest to me, my business is private, but I don't need to slap anyone by saying that. I believe it's kindest to just say that I'll think about it & go on my merry way. I listened, respected the person, but not the unsolicited advice. And let's be clear - that's what I'm talking about here - unsolicited advice. People give it all the time.

I read a wonderful magazine article written by someone who used to think everyone wanted her advice. She used to feel insulted if someone did something counter to her advice. Then one time someone seemed to follow her advice & the outcome was disastrous, & it really made her think. She was totally failing to realize that we all have free will & that all responsible adults make their own decisions. Our advice is not make or break for anyone, usually. Eventually she learned to make sure the person wanted advice before giving it, & then give it in careful terms. The article really made me think because, as a helper, I tend to think people who talk with me about things want my advice, & freely give it. However, I never tell people what to do. I simply share my experiences. It's been a huge source of pain to me & help for others that I have so much experience in coping with life difficulties. But I've overcome most of them - I'm a triumphant survivor, & I can relate how I overcame the difficulties usually. Mostly what my message to those hurting is - if I can you can, & I can tell you how I did it. There's hope! There's life after... & it's a marvelous life so it's worth working through the pain.

The bottom line is we need to treat each person with the honor & respect due to them as humans. We need to do that with all creatures. Further, we need to treat each person in the way the person wishes & needs to be treated, according to their individual needs. Most of all, we need to do that with those who look to us, look up to us, & those closest to us. Love is NOT an emotion, it's an action!!!

We're Not in Kansas Any More

My life has changed so much since moving to Pittsburgh last month, that the title fits very well. I lived out in the country, away from shopping, people, metaphysical people, for 2 1/2 years. I moved to the D.C. area when I was 15, so I was used to having anything & everything close & tons of people. First I moved to the Annapolis area as a young adult & got away from much of that traffic & bustle, then to Hagerstown in 2000. There was plenty of shopping nearby, so I was in the country but still near everything. But at that I time left the work force, my social life, my community, my family & friends. For a time I had some of that back, when I was involved in Tupperware in 2004. But most of the 8 years I was there my only company & companion was my now ex husband. After moving to PA, I became more isolated, & lost access to all convenience (shopping, major restaurants, take out, pizza delivery, etc.). Plus soon after we moved he went full time into Jeckle/Hyde mode, with rapid & frequent persona changes I had no frame of reference for until I found out he'd been stealing my mother's money. I lived with that through half of October 2010, then the second part of my personal hell began as I had full time care for my abuser (my mother), her IRS battle to fight, all her finances to take care of, & a house full of junk of his & hers to go through. I had to go through each & every box & there were probably about 100. I had to sort through what mattered & what didn't, file the things that did matter, discard what didn't. It was physically & emotionally taxing, draining. And I was all alone in all of it, except for God & the angels, who enabled me. My only socialization in the last year plus has been via phone & computer, & my expensive trips into Pittsburgh for Reiki exchanges, guided meditations, occasional classes.

All of a sudden I have everything I've truly wanted coming into my life. I love hosting, cooking for people, healing, talking with & being with other Lightworkers, working from home, & having access to great shopping & restaurants. I like approximately 60% socializing & 40% alone time, & that's what I have. The healing work & communing with Lightworkers are the biggest things though. This is what my life has really been about for just over a year now. It's gotten so that I enjoy the closeness & time with old friends of my heart, but otherwise the only people I truly enjoy are metaphysics & spiritualists. Those who speak the same language, notice the same types of things, have the same world view I do. When I moved I had about 40 such friends in the Pittsburgh area, whom I was close with to varying degrees. Since I've moved, my circle is rapidly growing & the really neat thing about it is when you're on the same wavelength with one of these types of people, the connection is almost immediate & very close. It's as if you've known each other all your lives, yet there's the fun of discovery, learning all about him/her. And I'm a people person, so I love that. I study people, feel people, watch people - a true people person. I love people, & since I love animals more & cats above all, think how much I love them!

I've also greatly added to my experiences since moving - such a short time ago! The other day I did Reiki on a guinea pig & communicated with her, gave her a voice for what was troubling her. Today I'm supposed to help in the same way with a dog, but I've helped dogs before, & cats. That little guinea pig was a real treat, eager to talk with me the whole time she was here once I'd made the connection. And she is such a sweet little spirit. I so love helping animals, giving them a voice, & now I'm becoming known as an animal communicator so that will increase. I've also already increased my hands-on Reiki experience, which is a thrill for me. Most of my prior experience has been doing distance healings, which isn't at all the same for the practitioner as hands-on. I like the feedback & connection from doing Reiki in person. I suspect most of us like doing hands-on best. I've also had extra opportunities for learning since the move, more access to others who can do healings on me, read me, etc. We can all do ourselves but it's extra nice to have others do these things for us.

For the first time in years I have a Christmas tree & fully decorated the house. I can't remember the last time I did this. I've mostly been without Christmas spirit (as in the whole ritual) since my son went to Iraq the first time in 2005. Christmas as in the celebration of Christ's birth is another matter, but I used to be Ms. Christmas. It was a whole huge big deal to me for so many reasons, & I did it to the hilt. Tons of decorations, Christmas throughout the whole house, listened to nothing but Christmas music from Thanksgiving on, baking, special foods, company in, etc. This year it took me a little time to get the Christmas spirit, as I was planning to go to Maryland & be with my daughter. Therefore I wasn't going to decorate, have a tree, etc. After all, I'm still unpacking boxes, which was more of a priority than unpacking decorations I'd have to repack in a month. Last week I figured out that I wanted to nest & stay home for Christmas, for a variety of reasons. I want to have my first Christmas in my new home. Last Christmas was quiet & bleak. I hunkered down. There was no Christmas - I was in mourning for my life in many ways. I'd just put my now ex in jail the month before, had no money for any treats, was fighting depression & fighting with my mother (I'd finally confronted her about the abuse 2 months before). So this to me is my first Christmas in my new life & I wanted to be here & have complete control over my time & celebration. Ms. Christmas is back folks. I won't be baking or doing all I want because much of what I need is in the garage in boxes. But they're my boxes. I'm not keeper of everyone's junk any more. I could bake if I really wanted to stress myself that way - this is Ms. Christmas on my own terms just for this year, then more fully next year.