How to Recognize the Need for Change

On January 8, 2013, I wrote about drama and creating your own reality. I then wrote this one as a follow-up and forgot to post it. Dramas, and being stuck in any area of your life, truly drain your energy. Whether they're your own dramas or listening to constant drama from others, it drains energy. That's why I limit the people who want to share their dramas with me. If you're going into a lot of detail about what's wrong, you're locked in drama. You either tell it all to the same person(s) frequently, or yourself, or you find yourself telling anyone and everyone about it, over and over. That's a pattern of being stuck - in drama or whatever problem you may be perceiving. I say perceiving because by changing your focus and thoughts, you can entirely change your situation and life. I know because I've done it. It's an ongoing task but it gets so much easier with time. Also, with time you gain mastery and control over yourself and what happens in your life. You can't control all circumstances all the time - you never can control others. Since we all interact with others, often those we don't wish to, your life is never going to be entirely under your control. But you can control many of the overall circumstances and outcomes. The key is to take action when you notice a pattern that you don't like. You need to understand why it's happening and your role in it. I was a victim for many years, even when I thought I'd gotten beyond that. I didn't know yet how to set full intent and make changes in myself to live a better way. Once I identified what I needed to change in myself, I was able to overcome the pattern. Then it no longer served me.

You need to understand that you're getting some kind of pay off for repeating the patterns. I was reliving my childhood circumstances. In a very misguided effort to do that, I played right into the hands of the sexual abuse by my second husband, as well as emotional abuse. I can't entirely describe for you what that pay off for me was. Part of the dysfunction was wanting a father figure to take care of me - something I'd missed out on all of my life. I can't say that I can put all I had to learn to end the pattern into words, but I truly have learned the lessons. One problem was giving over my personal power to others. I let my self, needs, goals, tastes, and personality entirely take a back seat in both my marriages, and in one close relationship afterwards. That final relationship was very brief. I stood up for myself and was entirely cut off. Then I saw what I'd again done, and finally learned. I was yielding to someone I thought was more gifted and advanced than I am, letting her control my life and destiny entirely at that point. Comparisons like that are another subject for another day this week. I've now learned to believe in myself and see myself more clearly. I no longer fear or yield to authority figures. Instead, I yield only to God and take Him as my only absolute authority. I weigh what all others say now, and take anything questionable to Him, or research it. I parent myself, am a whole person now. I find what I need from within rather than looking to others to define, acknowledge, and validate me. Then, when I receive validation and acknowledgment from others, it's simply a gift, not a need. When others try to define me, they're usually spot on now, which is fun. Sometimes I learn more about myself when listening to others. That's either through their knowledge of me, or things I hear them defining in their own lives. When others wrongly try to define me, I immediately set the record straight if it's someone who will remain in my life. If someone of no consequence to my life tries to define me, I listen for anything I might be missing. The other day someone commented that I looked very motherly and was going my best to be as unattractive as possible. I paid attention, although I'll possibly never see him again. I knew I was dressed for work, and why I dressed as I did. I didn't care how I appeared to him or others at that point. I was simply there to do a job the best I could. But now I know exactly how I look and come across when I have my hair up and wear clothes from my last marriage. I know why I have those clothes - I was trying to be unattractive to my husband to avoid the sexual abuse. I know what and who I am, that I am truly motherly but that I'm also passionate and sensual. I know when and how to bring out which image. I do still often hide my sexuality, but I realize that and why. I know I still need a lot of healing after that last marriage. So his comment was interesting to me but of no real consequence.

I was writing this at the beginning of January. If you've read the blogs over the past couple of days, you'll see that it's much easier to see repeating patterns in someone else's life than yours. If you keep seeing someone else's problems and they're recurring themes, chances are almost 100% that you need to look at your life to see what needs to be changed. And certainly, if you have recurring problems or stretches of "bad luck," you need to see what you need to change. My latest ex husband had a few gems he shared with me. One of them was that madness is repeating the same behaviors expecting a different outcome. That's hard to see in ourselves when we think we're doing the right thing and it just hasn't happened yet. That's the rut I got into. It was "madness" I didn't realize. If you find yourself a frequent victim, you're the only one you can change. And there are definitely certain key words and phrases to watch out for. If you find yourself using the word "happen" or "happened," or saying "I ended up" or "I wound up" or something similar, you're making excuses for not making conscious choices. We simply don't "end up" or just "happen" into things unless we aren't making healthy and conscious choice. I'll say that yes, bad things to just happen to good people, but not a a recurring basis. Yes, people are in the wrong place at the wrong time because of the carelessness of others. That's how people die at the hands of a drunk driver or a drive-by shooting. We'll call that an occurrence for the sake of language here. That's not a repeating pattern and therefore not at all what I'm talking about here, unless you keep choosing to go into unsafe situations until something occurs. 

Last night a friend was bemoaning the fact that he's never gotten to make a living at what he wanted to do. He loves science and started out with a promising job along those lines, but was bumped out of the job early on. That was an occurrence. He then went into the family business of selling plumbing supplies, went to beauty school and didn't find an aptitude as a hairdresser (both about as far away from science as you can get). He worked for a temp agency and went permanent for a loan company, did it again and worked in statistics, which further complicated his problems with organizing his brain. He was telling me he kept "ending up" in all these other jobs when what he wanted to do was science. However, he didn't keep "ending up" at all. He failed to make conscious choices about his career. I know because I recognize these words and patterns, and because I did the same thing. He's never had a career and neither did I. Until you take responsibility for your actions and choices and start making conscious choices, nothing gets better. And eventually, frankly, it can become too late to get what you wanted in life.

Another sign you're stuck in your dramas and creating your own problems is when you tell people or the same person the same sad stories over and over. I have someone in particular in mind right now. This person tells me parts of the same series of woes in every conversation, no matter what else the talk was supposed to be about. I've also heard this person tell the same things in every face to face, and every phone conversation. This person is entirely dwelling, refusing to let go. By replaying this series, this person is creating more "happenings" along the same line. It's ongoing. I know another one who is miserable in his/her living situation but determined to take care of and "save" the person he/she lives with. Meanwhile, this friend is trying to heal from abuse at the hands of the person he/she lives with, while the abuse continues! There's every excuse, and they're good ones, granted, for staying in the situation. But until he/she makes the change, makes a healthy choice for him/herself and moves out, the healing is going to be retarded, an ongoing uphill battle.

My final word is about slow but steady progress. That's been my biggest problem in the past. I stayed in an intolerable situation with my second husband because I thought I saw slow but steady progress. I kept working away at my healing and my problems in the last year plus because I thought I saw slow but steady progress. In the living situation mentioned in the last paragraph, he/she sees slow and steady progress. It's a trap! We're fooling ourselves in order to keep ourselves trapped in the situation, perpetuating it. Yes, change can come about slowly, but it has a certain energy. If you aren't feeling that energy, it's not real change, it's a illusion of change. Another sign is that it has momentum. If it's just continuing to be slow and steady, it's an illusion, not true progress. It's status quo at best, more likely to actually be backsliding. That's how I actually hit rock bottom when I was trying so very hard to change my life for the better!