Tribute to Davy Jones

When I walked out of the living room just now the image frozen on the TV was of a woman around my age with her arms up in the air. I paused the DVD to cry, & come write this. The DVD is the 2002 summer live concert tour of the Monkees. Davy Jones had just sung "Girl." During the song a woman was standing up, had made her way down the aisle to the stage. Davy got down on his knees, leaned down & hugged & kissed her. In that moment, he created one of the biggest if not the biggest thrill of her life, a dream come true. I can only imagine, & have more times than I can count.

I was probably 10 when the first episodes aired. Usually I was the last one to catch on to anything of my age group & peers but not the Monkees. The advance publicity was so big that I watched the first episode & every one thereafter. For me, it was all about Davy. My first teen (well, almost) crush. When they began touring, I ached to go to a concert, for them to come to my town. And they did, after I moved halfway across the country, to a place they'd just been. I never got to see them back then.

I have all the original albums. I used to play them constantly, & took great care of them. I had a friend who adored Jack Lord (Hawaii 5-O) & we'd take turns playing the show & the Monkees, every other day for an entire summer. By then I was 13. I'd buy every teen magazine & I saved the posters of Davy - still have them too. Now I have it all the music on CD but I won't get rid of my albums. One of my favorite albums, "Pool It," came out in the 1990s I think. Haven't been able to find it on CD.

I have VCR tapes of Davy in interviews & shows in the years after the Monkees went off the air. During a time of reruns, I tried to tape every episode, had them all cataloged. I never got over my crush. As he aged, so did I. He took excellent care of himself & stayed a great performer. I got to go to my first concert in 1986. The Monkees (minus Mike, never seen him with them) were also in concert with Gary Puckett & the Union Gap & another group or two. I know it was 1986 because I was very pregnant with my son & he kicked so hard during the Monkees portion that I wondered if he would be born that night.

I got to 2 more Monkees concerts in the years that followed, & one in which Davy performed solo. He shared the concert with Peter Noone, & Bobby Sherman, a later crush of mine. In 1988 I stood in line for hours to see Davy at a book signing & have my picture taken with him. I made friends with the woman in line behind me, & she was president of his local fan club. Soon after that I got my 2 year old & my 7 year old up in the middle of the night to drive from Annapolis to Baltimore to pick her up. Then we drove all the way up to Cherry Hill, New Jersey to again wait in line for many hours to see Davy again. This time he autographed one of the pictures & I gave him a gift for the baby his wife was about to deliver. A few months later I received a hand-written thank you note from him!

I was nuts to make the Cherry Hill trip with the kids but they were such troopers. Davy was especially pleased to see my young son. He loved children, babies. The reason why I made that trip was how he acted at the first book signing. Davy Jones truly loved & appreciated his fans. He was loving & gracious, the whole package. He was such a great performer. Watching the DVD reminds me again of what a great showman he was & how much he loved performing, what a great show he always put on. He brought us so much joy, & really gave of himself to the audience. I also loved his sense of humor. I love people that laugh at themselves. He was a serious performer who didn't take himself too seriously.

I read his autobiography cover to cover. I truly wanted to know him, the man. I believe I also read it more than once. I truly loved him. I just can't quite grasp that he's gone. He was going to visit his horses when he had the heart attack. They were one of his great loves, as we were, as were his children I believe. Oh how I wanted to be one of his great loves! (Or in truth, to even have just a one-night-stand with him!) But you know, as one of his adoring fans who got to interact with him for a few moments, I guess I truly was one of his great loves.

Performers are not the characters they play. It can be quite disappointing when you find out that a performer you admire is nothing like the wonderful characters they play. I'm not an autograph hound or star-struck & never have been, although I've certainly crushed on some. I've also gotten to meet & more than meet a bunch of stars - musicians, actors, singers, Cal Ripken. I have to really admire the person as a person as well as the performances to really be impressed, stand in line, make the trip. The trip to Cherry Hill was worth every minute driving, taking care of the kids, & standing in line. I'd do it again tomorrow if I could. But now I won't have the chance ever again. I'm very sad. I know women in my age range, & even younger ones, are mourning our loss.

You Can't Change Anyone But Yourself, & Marriage Changes Everything

My last husband used to tell me, "I didn't sign on for this" whenever I didn't meet his sexual needs. In truth, I was exactly what he "signed on for." We lived together for 5 years before getting married so he knew entirely what he was getting & married me anyway. I didn't drastically change during our relationship, as most of us don't.

Many people get together with someone & figure that during the relationship, or especially, after marriage, they'll be able to "fix" the other person to get more of what they want. When you read "fix" that's the motive, & "change" is the action. On a variation of that, my first husband married me figuring he could use me to change himself. He came from a family that not only never talked things out, they also didn't show affection. Except for my mother, I came from a family that showed affection often, casually, & easily, mostly in sweet little ways. I was that way. What happened though, is that I changed instead of him. I became less & less demonstrative. He didn't change as he'd hoped. You actually have to work at change & his family background never equipped him for that. More than 20 years later, he actually has changed to a large degree, due to his own efforts on behalf of his kids though. They ended up to be a greater motivator than I was, his love for them much deeper. I changed because I had less contact with my family over time & the other behavior was constantly being reinforced within my home on a daily basis. All this being said, usually the mistake made is entering into a relationship hoping to change the other person.

You simply cannot change someone else, so entering into a relationship hoping or needing to change the other person in anyway is a huge mistake. The only person you can change is yourself, & it's real work to do that. You have to really want to, & you have to retrain & repattern yourself over a period of time to create real change. The basic structure of who we are doesn't change but we can change the "spin" on our personality traits & can certainly change our habits. More on that "spin" tomorrow.

The act of marriage brings about huge changes in a relationship. I & many others I'm close to have lived with someone for years before taking that step. We'll all tell you it changes everything. Once you're married you're both kind of stuck. It takes a lot to get out of a marriage, including the financial aspect. Usually when you're living together you don't entirely co-mingle your funds & after marriage you do. Marriage is a huge commitment even though divorce is so prevalent. It's prevalent but certainly not easy. When you marry it's legally binding. It gives you certain rights that are very beneficial, like signing for surgeries & hospital visitations. But you're also bound legally if you decide you need to get out of it. There's a certain emotional security that comes from being marriage that can also be beneficial. A legal & relatively binding commitment has been made. But many take that as license to quit trying in the relationship after a relatively short time. Once you're marriage, you usually breathe an emotional sigh of relief. You're able to let down your guard some. It's very emotionally validating that your spouse has taken that step & you generally feel proud of yourself for the commitment too. You feel more free to settle in emotionally & truly invest yourself to the fullest degree you can. But often, power struggles come after all that initial good stuff. Usually there's a waiting period before you can get a divorce. After my first marriage I said the waiting period should occur before you can get married. I hurried into the first one & if we'd had to wait, it never would have happened. I also recommend a long period of relationship counseling before the wedding rather than the perfunctory talks I've seen most ministers require or suggest. And honesty during that period, real self-examination & discussion, should be required. So many children come from broken homes & this would largely eliminate that. Styles of conflict resolution, fighting fair, attitudes over money & control & roles within the household would be part of it. So would whether & when to have children & parenting issues. Finances, sex, & parenting are the largest battlefields within marriage, & religious differences & values can be a problem too. Extended family also plays a large role within many families. I was so used to being controlled by my mother that I didn't listen to the one good piece of advice she gave me before I married the first time. She said to make sure you know & love & like his family because you're marrying them too. Also, if you look to the parents & the siblings, how they handle things, you'll understand how he was raised & really know what you're getting.

Right now I don't believe I'd ever get married again despite predictions from trusted readers that I will. I don't think I'd ever live with anyone again & that's really a large part of marriage. I like the freedom to socialize when & with whom I want without having to consider someone else's needs. I love being able to spend my "free" time in any way I want. There's so much I love about it & it's so new to me. I was independent in the 1990s but was raising my children so was hardly free in any way. What I'm loving is the freedom of expression especially. Other than the living together part, I have nothing against marriage as a committed relationship, only against committed relationships for me. I feel no lack, therefore no desire. And since I also didn't have the right relationships for me in committed relationships, you can see why I'm not longing for another. There was awhile after my first divorce & before my second marriage that I felt very anti-marriage. Rather than increase this with another divorce, I've actually totally mellowed on it. Marriage can be wonderful, & I've been in awe of those happily married for a large number of years. I remember going to dinner with an elderly couple in the 1990s & loving the byplay between them. He would be telling a story & she'd jump in with details & take over. Then he'd jump back in to enhance & go back to it. It was a small portion of the script of their lives together & I could see how they'd truly become one. It was such a beautiful thing. One thing that touched me so deeply a short time before my beloved grandmother died was when she told me Grandpa always let her put her cold feet on his legs at night, to warm them. Grandpa chimed in about how true that is, how cold her feet always are, & I could have touched the love it so filled the room.

True Love is a Verb

Many who profess to love us actually just want love for themselves or to take from us. And unfortunately, in many relationships a power struggle for love, attention, & dominance of needs takes over. If you truly love someone, you build them up & honor them. Saying you love someone is important but showing, acting that love is what counts. Most people who are familiar with the Bible know the passage I Corinthians 13: 4-7. I'll quote from the Revised Standard Version because this is exactly what true love is. "Love is patient & kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I'm not entirely sure what it means by "boastful" but I think the rest of the passage is clear & I've been speaking about these things in my last couple of posts. Perhaps that "boastful" speaks to not gloating when you "win" an argument or rubbing things in. For example, if you get a big raise at work & your partner is in danger of being fired, you really need to be helping him/her & not gloating about your raise. You need to build your partner up. If you make the majority of the income, don't hold it over the head of your partner. In other words, no "weapons" of any kind.

The more you love & are loved, the closer the relationship, the greater the potential for harm or gain. Those closest to you can tear you down better than anyone or build you up better. Their praise & love or the withholding of, affects us more than anything & anyone else. So you truly have a great responsibility to those you're in love relationships with. You have more of an influence on that person than anyone else in the world & therefore a greater obligation, whether it's a parent to child or love partnership situation. In the past I wrote a post on unconditional love & I believe I truly did the subject justice so I won't repeat it. I last posted it on 11/11/11.

Besides power struggles in the place of love in action, fighting, & other things I've covered recently, the way we express our love to others also makes a difference. I highly recommend "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman if you've never read it. I recommend every household have one copy for reference because it's that important. It's written for couples but applies to all relationships & we're all in multiple relationships unless we're total hermits. The book explains in detail each of the love languages & I've never known this to be wrong. Most of us have a primary & secondary language & some of us display all 5 depending on the nature of the relationship & circumstances. Because each "language" or style is so different, we can be receiving or giving in a style or "language" that is different & therefore the giving isn't recognized as such & needs go unmet. It's important to understand your own style or "love language" so you know what you need & best receive & it's important to understand when love is being given to you in other ways. You might get a better picture of what I'm telling you if I tell you the different styles. They are "words of affirmation," "quality time," "receiving or giving gifts," "acts of service," & "physical touch." We each need all these things, but we have primary needs that, whether or not they're met, influences how loved we feel. Sometimes we partner with those who "speak our primary language" but often we don't so understanding is key. And it's very important that you understand the style needs of your partner so you can learn to give in the way needed if it differs from your normal style. Again, this is as true in parent/child relations & all others as in a spousal relationship. All relationships benefit from using love (or "regard" or "respect" if you prefer) as a verb & really making sure the "language" is delivered in the best way for that individual. By the way, the book has a wonderful chapter on "Love is a Choice" & one on children & love languages. It's one of the best buys you'll ever make.

Never Carry a Grudge - They Shed Terribly!

Those of my generation, think Cousin It from the Addams Family. For those not familiar, he was short & all long hair. Vivid word pictures & phrases stick with me & are the way I best learn something that will stick with me forever. I used to love to say the phrase that's the title here. In school I was fortunate to know several gifted cartoonists. Picture Cousin It being held upside down by little skinny legs, as far out from your body as possible, & all that hair. Dennis Catron's drawing was on the front page of the school newsletter & I think I still have it. But I don't even have to close my eyes to see that whole picture, it stuck with me all these years.

Carrying past wrongs forward in a relationship is very destructive. If you do that, you have an underlying anger that will intensify your disagreements & other issues with the person. If you've truly resolved the issue, you have to find a way to forgive & not bring it up again or carry it with you. Forgiveness is necessary for the relationship but most of all, for ourselves. You can't fully heal until you forgive. Forgiveness is for our own benefit more than the benefit of others. I separated from my first husband in 1990, & he set about to hurt me every way possible to punish me for asking for the divorce. It went on for years, one thing piled on top of another to forgive. And some of it was pretty unforgivable. So I carried a grudge without realizing it until 2010, & I was the only one truly hurt by it. It diminished over the years, but I was very uncomfortable around him all that time, & it was all on me. I acted nice but hated every moment. I doubt he really knew how I felt. I was the one who suffered from my unforgiveness, not him. Now that I've forgiven him completely, I actually enjoy being around him, & again, I'm the beneficiary of the forgiveness. If I hadn't forgiven my second husband already, he wouldn't be at all hurt by it because there's very little contact between us, but I'd suffer.

Please note there's a huge difference between forgiving & condoning & forgetting. And how do you forgive the unforgivable? How do you forgive ongoing abuse? Forgiving is not saying whatever was done is ok. Whatever it is, if it's something you have to forgive it wasn't something that was ok to do or say. Period. But remember that forgiveness benefits us most of all. Don't mistake forgiving with forgetting either. We never really forget the wrongs even when we forgive. That's part of why we really need to be mindful of our own behavior toward others. You can't unsay or undo anything so please be very careful what you put out there.

I know a lot about forgiving the unforgiveable. One thing necessary is understanding of what happened or was said & why. If you can understand what caused the other person to hurt you, it's easier to forgive. Taking personal responsibility is important too. Things don't happen in a vacuum. Often we've said or done something that is a part of the occurrence. Sometimes it's just as necessary to forgive ourselves & understand why we played the part we did. There are lots of tools to help you forgive, including prayer, meditations, & rituals like writing it down & burning the paper with intent. There are whole books on how to forgive. Use whatever you need, do anything & everything you can until you reach that point.

It's harder to forgive those who aren't sorry in any way & those who keep doing it to you. For reference on this, I think of my mother. I was her possession rather than a person in my own right & her emotional abuse only stopped recently, when I got her out of my house. By the time I confronted her over her treatment of me, it was too late for resolution because her memory was largely gone due to the onset of Alzheimer's. When I first confronted her, her treatment of me didn't change so there was obviously no remorse or validation. At first she belligerently argued all I said about my childhood, & it was very painful for me. And it was obvious from her continued pattern of interaction with me that nothing was going to change. I switched to addressing current conditions & there was still no real improvement. (You have to understand she was living with me at the time & largely bedridden, I had total responsibility & care for her so couldn't simply escape confrontation.) So I constantly had something new to forgive. In these cases it's really important to understand the why, & you just have to keep forgiving over & over, one thing after another after another. It's tough but important, again, entirely for your own emotional health & wellbeing. The best thing is to get away from unhealthy circumstances so what you have to forgive is not ongoing but that's not always possible. For years I was able to keep contact with my mother at a minimum but that required a lot of forgiving of myself because society & the Bible & relatives tell you over & over that we're responsible for our parents.

I know I'm not doing the subject of how to forgive justice, because I can't. As I've said, whole books have been written on it by experts because it's a very complex problem for many people. And despite the title of this blog, I've told you that I carried a grudge for years. This is why I'm telling you not to, & to learn to forgive. Carrying grudges & not forgiving colors all your other relationships including with yourself. You walk around with a darkness inside the size of the issue, & it colors all else for you including your judgments, reactions, decisions, & all relationships. It's part of the heart of you so it plays into everything you say or do. It taints you, your dreams, goals, thoughts, feelings. And you truly can reach a point of forgiving the unforgiveable & ongoing hurts. I know from experience. Eventually I did a ritual given to me by a friend who listened to his angels. I wrote down everyone who's ever hurt me that I thought I may not have entirely forgiven despite working on it. I was to include a sentence about what I was forgiving as if I was talking to that person & a sentence about forgiving my part in whatever it was. I was also to write down things I needed to forgive myself for, & did. There were a few that didn't involve being wronged by others, were just me doing wrong. Then I had to light a candle & stand in front of the mirror & read them once a day, every day, for 21 days. It worked! Now I don't really remember most of them, which is refreshing. No longer carrying some of those memories near the surface is a true blessing. One of the best results of forgiveness is forgetting. I could bring them to mind if I wanted to - they aren't entirely gone, but of course, I have no desire for that. I'm thrilled to have those things off my heart.

Fighting Styles, Fighting Fair

In some relationships, fights never happen. The issues are unspoken. That was how my first husband handled things. In his birth home, even pet peeves were forbidden to be discussed. I knew I didn't have his approval but never knew why & that completely undermined me & my self-esteem. It also means that nothing got solved. I came from a more open family & believed that talking things out was a good thing, which is true. The best way to handle things is to catch them when they're smaller so they don't become big issues. You have every right to say when something is bothering you, but there's a productive way as well as non-productive.

First though, let's get to actual fighting styles. Some people want to have it out & get it over with so they can move on. Some people have to go process it first, calm down, & address the issues later. These people know that they can wound if they have to handle things in the heat of the moment. Often in a relationship one person wants to have it out & the other has to retreat for awhile. I believe that the one who wants to have it out has to learn to wait the other person out. There's a good & healthy reason the person needs to retreat first. That's the kind of person who wants to take it out of the reactive stage & really know what he/she wants to say before saying it. As hard as it is to need immediate resolution & not get it, allowing that other person his/her space is the healthiest thing for the relationship & you truly can train yourself to wait. Especially if it doesn't go on for days or even hours. Those of you who need to retreat have an obligation to make your retreat as short as possible. In relationships there has to be compromise, especially where there are differing styles, especially in fighting. The compromise in this case is for the "retreat personality" to make the retreat as brief as possible rather than using it as a weapon. In relationship fighting, there just can't be weapons. I speak all this from experience. In my second marriage he was a "retreat for days" kind of person only more so & I wanted it over. Unfortunately, there was no compromise & he used it as a weapon. He never apologized & it would be days before he'd address what set him off. Even then he'd use accusations, was non-productive & never took me into consideration. It might seem off to take relationship advice from me. You could consider me a 2 time loser since I've been divorced twice, but I have a total of 20 years experience living with the wrong men for me. The relationships didn't fail because of fighting styles or whether we fought fair, & since they lasted 10 years each, I learned a lot.

The rules of fighting fair include not yelling, cursing, tearing the other down, attacking, using absolutes, pushing buttons, or piling on, & absolutely stick to the real issues & give credit for gains. Personal attacks undermine the other person & the relationship & are never productive. Sticking to the real issues means that you have a chance of improving whatever is bothering you. And please don't pile on. That means stick to whatever just happened. Don't use a fight as a time to bring up everything you perceive is wrong with the other or the relationship. Stick to the current issue. And please give credit for what's right with the person or relationship & any improvements since the last fight. Then you validate & acknowledge rather than tear down. Which leads to absolutes. Words like "always" & "never" aren't true & are destructive. They negate the other person & any effort on his/her part. When you tell someone you "always" or "never" do that, not only are you inaccurate, you're completely failing to give the other person credit for any efforts to take you into consideration. In my second husband I lived with one of the worst & even he didn't fit into "always" or "never." The best way to not attack another is to put things in terms of how you feel. I mentioned this the other day but it bears repeating. If you say, "When you do that it makes me feel like you don't care about me" you're speaking only to your feelings even though you've used the words "you" & "me." If you say, "You have the memory of an ant. You never remember to do what I asked you to. You don't care about me at all." you've still used "you" & "me" but you've used them in a personal attack, used an absolute, & made an accusation. In extreme cases, mirroring as described in the post the other day is necessary for true resolution of an issue. Sometimes issues are deep & on some compromise won't work or will be a long time coming. Those are the times mirroring is especially important. Another word about piling on. If you are having a very productive discussion after you've both calmed down, it's ok to bring in other issues you'd like to work on. Finally, the only way to resolve issues is to be respectful of each other. None of the "nots" in the first sentence of this paragraph are respectful!

In all areas of life you have to know how to handle disagreements, most of all within the home. How you handle conflict within a relationship will make or break it. Seldom do you find yourself with someone who shares your style of handling things when tempers flare. In a love relationship, destructive fighting kills the affection freely given, the trust, & eventually all the love, respect, & regard. I remember after about 7 years with my last husband, mentally saying "there's another nail" after each incident. By then I didn't care that our relationship was dying, didn't have it in me any longer to fight for it. What I was acknowledging was that he'd just hammered another nail into the coffin of our relationship, knowing at some point it would be entirely over for me. At that time I still had some love left for him, but very little respect. I treated him with respect, but had lost most of my respect & true regard for him.

A few final thoughts here - don't say things you don't mean or make threats. Often when people fight they say hurtful things they don't mean because they're hurt. That's so destructive & you can't take a word back! You can't unsay anything. You can say you're sorry & you didn't mean it & that can help but it doesn't entirely negate what you said. And if you do that often enough, you'll lose the relationship. You just ruly will! If you make threats (usually to abandon the person) you'll completely undermine the security of the other & therefore the relationship. You'll only make things terribly worse because fear of abandonment is often the root of our hurt feelings. I can't begin to tell you how destructive this is to the overall relationship & the other person. It will erode things faster than anything else you can do other than physical violence. Monday we'll cover grudges & forgiving. Tuesday we'll cover how to build your relationships.

Setting Personal Bounaries with Our Closest Family

Our closest family - children, parents, siblings, spouse or significant other - can hurt us more deeply & know how to "push our buttons" better than anyone. Usually it's not done on purpose, but it still hurts. Often power struggles are set up within the home that adversely affect all the occupants. And as I've said, home needs to be your place of safety.

I believe that certain things need to be outlawed in the home & in these relationships. It's called setting personal boundaries & you have every right to do so, & must. I believe you need to have certain safe words or phrases & words & phrases that are off limits, for one thing. I'll do a whole blog on fighting fair & different styles/ways of handling disagreements & get further into this. But I believe that in all cases you have to have a set way to tell the other person to stop, that you've reached your limit, or not to "go there."

We all have certain things that will wound us immediately, especially certain words. For me, please don't use the words "crazy" or "nuts" or "insane" & absolutely don't compare me to my mother unless in the most favorable sense. This all stems from growing up with someone who is undiagnosed in her mental illnesses or disorders & my fears of being like her in any way. It's my #1 trigger. We all have them. Figure out what yours is & outlaw it in your home & these relationships. Then figure a way to enforce it, some consequences if someone "goes there" with you.

I also suggest outlawing being cursed at or yelled at. That will never be productive, only tears down the relationship & you. Please don't do it & don't allow it to be done to you. Being frozen out is another no-no. My latest ex used to go around not speaking to me for several days whenever he felt he wasn't getting enough of the kind of attention he wanted. Of course, it made me want to give him attention even less, especially since it was always about sex. I walked a constant tight rope between having sex whether I wanted to or not to avoid those multiple cold shoulder days, & how long I could go without having to have sex. Because I very quickly hated having sex with him. It was an obligation rather than a joy. Please don't use sex as a weapon or to keep the peace. It entirely ruins something that should be beautiful. At this point, I wouldn't care if I never have sex again after 10 years of obligation!

You need to avoid being frightening to someone you care for, & find a way to fix the situation if you're the one being frightened. I was always threatened with loss if I didn't give my ex enough sex. He'd either take a girlfriend or move out, which would have left me without a place to live due to economics. Yelling, cursing, & threats are very frightening, take away all sense of safety, ruin the dynamics of the relationship & the home. Throwing things falls into that category also, & should be outlawed.

Clear & calm discussion is what's needed. It can't take place during the "heat of the moment." Rather than letting things get to that point, there needs to be respectful, honest communication when the problem is noticed. Part of setting boundaries is being clear about our needs & that needs to be reciprocal. It needs to be done with all honesty, heart, & respectfully so we're heard clearly. Mirroring is a wonderful technique my daughter reminded me of. You have your say & the other person is silent. Then the person says what he/she thinks you said while you're silent. Then you affirm or correct & the other person mirrors it back if there was a correction. Once you know the person heard what you said it's his/her turn for the same process. You each stick to "I" statements of feelings & beliefs that doesn't assign blame to the other person. Like, "When you forget to stop & get what I asked for, it makes me feel like I don't matter." Rather than, "You never think of me. You always forget to get what I wanted," which is accusing, assigning blame. Which brings me to more outlawed words - absolutes like "always" & "never." Honestly, we just don't "always" or "never" do things & it completely negates any effort the other person makes, invalidates him/her.

I suggest you outlaw all disrespectful words & phrases, such as "shut up." When my kids were young we outlawed it in the home to the degree that when reading a Dr. Seuss book that contained it, we crossed it out & wrote in "be quiet" instead. That's much more respectful. Once you think about it, you'll come up with your own list. Just pay attention to what pushes your buttons & the buttons of those you love. It's up to you to set the tone for your relationships. We can't force others or get them to do things we aren't willing to take responsibility for, both in how we're treated & how we treat others.

Personal Safety - Umbrella Title for Our Biggest Issues & Needs

I've been at this topic all week. Boundaries are a part of it, & protecting yourself from false messages. This has actually been the umbrella for all the issues I'm dealing with at this point, & the issues of many others I know fit. It came together for me under this heading after listing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I've come to realize in a new way what I've known for a long time. We have to feel safe within our homes, with our friends, our guidance, & in the working world. A lot of the time I haven't been safe within my dwelling. I wasn't as a child, only partially was in my first marriage, wasn't at all in my second marriage. As a child & in my second marriage, I suffered abuse within the home. I've been harassed & abused in the work place, & have had those I consider friends turn on me from time to time. And I'm certainly not alone. The issue really came up for me when I moved & have been more out in the world. The more isolated we are, as I largely was before I moved & after I got other people (my mother, my ex husband) out of my house - the safer we generally are, except from personal hazard. The more we're out in the world, the more issues of personal safety become an issue. I've worked from home for so long but now I'm seeking outside employment, which opens me up. I have more friends, more of a social life & that's opened me up to boundary issues again. I've been seeking outside learning, which again opens me up.

The best way to ensure personal safety is to set boundaries, & to be in the present. Being in the present is a huge topic in itself. It means that you live in the moment, pay attention to what you're doing & what's going on around you. Living with cats, I have to watch where I walk & pay attention. I try to make the house as safe as I can for the cats & myself. I pay attention to our physical safety needs & try to anticipate potential problems before they happen. You just have to do that if you have pets or children within the home. As for the rest, that's where boundaries come in. I'm still learning to set boundaries.

You can live in a dwelling or a home. I need a home, a place of comfort, safety & refuge. I can set boundaries for myself within the work place & with friends & others I encounter but those within the home are the most important. It should be the one place you can count on for safety & refuge, your retreat. Since I live alone, it's much easier for me to find safety within my home & make it a true home. My issues are more about financial safety at this point (within the home) than anything else & I'm working toward financial security. Most people don't live alone so they have other issues, often including financial security these days. Soon I'll be doing some posts about relationship issues that can help those that share their home. Financial security is very important for all of us, though. I know of women who live with abuse or in bad relationships because they can't afford to move out. Financial security is a #1 issue for many. For now I've set aside dreams of working from home & am ready to do just about any kind of job to obtain financial security. I've opened to all avenues, including ways of providing supplemental income working from home to secure my present & insure my home. I'm not talking buying insurance, although that can be important to securing your finances. I certainly was glad I had the best car insurance when I totaled my car 2 weeks ago. I'm talking about doing everything within our power to secure our finances so that we are as protected as possible. I'm talking about making it a primary goal, setting our intent & really working toward it. I've made it my #1 priority. I never want to end up dependent again.

Back to boundaries as the other safety issue, because most of the rest fall under this. I'm learning to set & enforce boundaries in all areas of my life. In the past I was good about setting boundaries with my kids because I felt I had control there. (Control of another is truly an illusion.) I set boundaries for them & for our relationship & behaviors with each other. It's truly important to set boundaries for our own behaviors, by the way. For example, addictive personalities have failed to set those boundaries or enforce them. We get into a lot of trouble when we don't set & enforce boundaries on our own behaviors, & certainly can't expect boundary recognition from others. I believe setting boundaries starts with setting them for your own behaviors & works outward. It's truly hard to have any self-respect if you don't set & enforce internal boundaries. And please set them realistically, without perfectionism. No one can live up to that. Once you set boundaries for your own behaviors you're free to set boundaries on what you'll accept from others. From that position of self-respect you can seek respectful treatment from yourself & others. Boundaries are totally about respect. In the past I would have a narrow boundary for my kids & let others walk all over me. I had to widen the boundaries for my kids & set boundaries for what I'd accept from others. My friend Jenny was the opposite of me, & we'd often laugh & call each other on them. It was nice because being opposite in it, we'd really recognize the issues the other was having. I often don't know what my boundaries are until they're crossed. Then I have to deal with how to handle it. But the very fact that they're crossed means they're there. I've come a long way,  but I still have to deal with the issue. I need to figure out which are in place & which aren't, in what areas I still need work. Once you have clear boundaries, you also need to learn what to do when the boundaries are crossed. And it's not like we walk around with our boundaries drawn on us like a map. Most boundaries are straightforward & have to do with being treated with simple respect. They also aren't an issue for many people. But for those new to setting boundaries, I would suggest that you develop respectful & appropriate ways for dealing with having them crossed. The best way is to tell the other person that you aren't comfortable with whatever it is that was said or done. You then tell the person that with this not within your comfort zone, you don't want to have to deal with it again. The relationship or status quo has to be based on respecting each other's boundaries. If you can't discuss this, there's a true problem that needs to be worked out. Again, that can be addressed in blogs about relationship issues coming. Sometimes we have to then enforce our boundaries & sometimes we have to assess & re-set them. If our boundaries are too narrow, they need to be changed. The best boundaries are fluid & change as our needs & relationships change. If we need to enforce them, we need to do it in the most gentle, respectful way possible or we'll cross someone else's. In extreme cases, we sometimes need to dump the relationship. At some point in our lives, we're going to have to enforce our boundaries in some way. Be prepared to follow through on whatever you've said if you tell someone how you'll enforce them. I remember in high school I had a friend who kept crossing me. I don't remember how exactly, but she was going behind my back to others to undermine my friendships as I recall. The first time I found out, I told her I didn't appreciate  or like it, that I don't do it to her & won't tolerate having it done to me. I gave her a second chance though because I loved her. The second time she did it I reminded her of my boundaries & told her this was her last chance. I told her our friendship was entirely over if she did it to me again. When she did it the third time, I followed through even though we had a valued mutual friend. I called her on it & clearly (again) told her how she'd violated my boundary. I told her the friendship was now over & stuck with it despite all she did to try to win me back, including guilt & using the other friend. Because these were intentional violations of my trust & friendship, not simple errors. I'll forgive unintentional mistakes until the cows come home but not intentional ones. And these days I don't give 3rd chances. I draw the line at the first intentional one. I don't necessarily cut the person out of my life, but I withdraw enough to protect myself & keep watch on what happens from then on. The person has lost my trust & a lot of my giving & love at that point. From there they have to win me back & prove themselves to get closer to me again, & I will continue to treat them with caution. Sometimes the simplest & best way to enforce boundaries is by stepping away from the person or situation without confrontation of any kind. If I can do that without losing anything important, that's my preferred way.

Boundaries are at the heart of almost everything we do. I have to better set the boundaries within myself regarding relationships so I don't do the obsessive "head over heels" thing again. I also have to reset them regarding procrastination so I don't put myself into uncomfortable situations involving things piling up on me. Boundaries are all about choices - those we make for ourselves about our conduct & acceptable conduct toward us. We make them & change them all the time. Viewed in this way, perhaps they're easier to understand, make, & more recognizable. Within the home we make boundaries around cleanliness & order so we can better control the safety of our environment. Even what we'll ingest involves boundaries & choices, becomes a matter of health & safety. Good & enforced boundaries totally effect our health & wellbeing.

Be Careful Who You Listen To - Weigh Everything

I've found that the best source of information is Source. Sometimes I'm asked how you know when something that seems like a message is coming from Source vs. just an impulse from within. I tell people that they feel different & that you also have to weigh the message. If a married person feels prompted to start an affair, that's an impulse from within & a message at the same time. The message is, look at what's wrong in your marriage & figure out if you want to fix it, how to. Twice I married the wrong person so I don't tell people to stay & work at it no matter what. Neither do I tell people to just throw out the marriage & start over. Sometimes you've married the right person but one of you changes & grows & the other doesn't. It doesn't mean one is no longer the right person. Sometimes it's possible, usually through counseling, to fix things. And it's always better to see if you can fix any situation or relationship rather than just quitting.

Friends can mean well & give you the wrong advice. When you get advice from friends or anyone, that's when you especially need to weigh what you're hearing. People can & often do make mistakes. And people have their own past experiences which they bring in. It can be helpful or it can color their thinking. The same is true with counselors & teachers. It's kind of like that old game of telephone where a sentence is passed from one person to the other. At first it's pure, then it quickly gets altered when passed until it's nothing like the original message in the end. I'm very careful who I listen to, ask for advice, learn from. I've been in counseling several times in my life, usually because of the childhood abuse issues but once for marriage counseling, & with a minister for spiritual counseling. The marriage counselor got it all wrong, totally missed the real issues. Perhaps if he'd truly been helpful, the marriage would have lasted despite the fact that we didn't really fit together. I believe that we could have made it work with the proper help. My ex wasn't a bad person & could have been good for me & vice versa if we'd be taught & redirected. The kids certainly would have had a much better life!

Teachers can get it wrong too, even in school. I've heard about plenty of mistaken information being taught in schools, have encountered misinformation in other learning settings also. I especially have to be careful what I take in because I'm studying a lot of metaphysical areas. There's a lot of opinion out there & that's not what I want when seeking answers. This is where it's especially important to go within & see what resonates. The same is true with religion. I used to earnestly seek answers about God, Jesus, how to live our lives, why "bad" things happen to "good" people, etc. Usually the answers didn't resonate. I've studied the Bible cover to cover, & still had many unanswered questions. I've been completely misdirected by religious teachers in the past. I remember being told I was doing it all wrong when I'd actually been very close with & had give & take conversations with Jesus. I was told there's a certain way to pray & go about it all. It completely derailed my life at the time.

This brings me to what I need to say about source vs. Source & weighing everything. When something makes total sense to you & resonates within, it's probably true. At that point Source is probably validating your source. Your best teachers are Creator & the angels, your personal guides & teachers. These messages are usually received as feelings & thoughts that can seem to come from yourself. It doesn't matter whether it comes from knowledge you already hold within yourself or from an otherworldly source (Creator, angels, etc.). What does matter is that those things are absolute truths. Some actually hear things or see images, & they're the fortunate ones because that's clearly a gift of knowledge. Most of us have to rely on feelings & trust. We have to learn to differentiate between impulses & true messages. You can take your questions to a reader, friend, or trusted teacher, or you can simply ask Creator. He doesn't want you misinformed, & will provide the answers if you set your intent & ask.

Yesterday I took a class on symbols in our lives & messages, with a wonderful handout. It opened my eyes when it stated that there are messages all around us, being given multiple times a day. The more we open to them, the more they'll be given. I realized that's entirely true, & set my intent to open to them even more. I'm at a place in my life where I'm really seeking guidance & direction, a real time of transition. And I'm always eager to learn & grow. These days I'm working on self-healing (less physical & more in all other ways) & learning & growing spiritually & in the realm of metaphysics. So receiving these personal messages are very important to me.

I also feel the need to warn you about those who describe themselves as exalted, experts, authorities vs. humble servants who simply want to pass it on. Great teachers willingly tells of the mistakes they've made & that they don't always get it right. They pass on their ways of doing things with the message that if they can do it, we can. They have no ego problems when they teach. They teach their students to open to their own gifts, listen to themselves. All my favorite teachers are generous in sharing their knowledge, never claim to have mastered the information, & encourage me & the others in class. They are giving & loving, very generous. They have no personal agenda other than to pass it on, & it's never about them. I try to always be the same way. Always pay attention to the heart of whomever you are listening to. Stick with those who would never intentionally harm you & don't have their own agenda going. I always listen to my friend Jenny. I disagree with her sometimes, but I always listen seriously. And if I disagree with advice or something she says about me, I don't entirely dismiss it. I continue to think about it in case she's right after all. Eventually I either find that she was, or settle the issue entirely within myself. Because she knows me better than anyone & loves me as much as those who love me most on earth (I'm fortunate to have several people who love me like she does). She absolutely has no agenda when it comes to me (or most people). She was with me through my toughest years as an adult, so she knows all I lived better than any other person on earth. And she was with me when I began the healing from my childhood, & had a similar enough past that she understood better than anyone. I also entirely listen to my friend Pam, for similar reasons. Even though we've only known each other for a few years, we've helped each other through similar tough marriages ending badly. We too love each other to that deep extent, & are giving & loving, supportive & serve as advisers without agendas. But again, I weigh everything, look for confirmation within myself. We are all, after all, human. We do make mistakes, no matter who or how learned. Now, if you need help learning to weigh, you need to send me a message for one-on-one help.

Finally, seek multiple sources if you're trying to learn something by earthly means. Before I create an essential oil blend, I consult internet sources as well as the many books I have on their properties, uses, & cautions. I feel rosemary is a wonderful, healing essential oil but it carries warnings so I don't put it in my blends. If I only went with one source, I would have missed those warnings & could potentially harm someone. Be careful what & who you accept as an authority! Even the Food & Drug Administration approves drugs that are later taken off the market because they've harmed people. And they generally don't approve vitamins & supplements. Know your source! And when seeking knowledge from teachers & books, it's always better to have multiple sources & take multiple classes, read multiple books. We learn best when information is delivered in words we'll be most receptive to, able to understand, & that will stick with us. That's fluid depending on your state on any given day, the experiences you bring, & how the information is presented. You can read the same book or take the same class a year from now & get something entirely new from the experience. So keep seeking!

Addictive Personalities - We All Know Some & It Might Be You So Please Read This

My maternal grandmother wasn't but my mother is, fully. She's been addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, diet pills, gambling, etc. Even though my only physical addiction to truly take hold was cigarettes, I'm an addictive personality. For example, in relationships. I fall head over heels & miss all the signs & cues that this isn't healthy. It becomes entirely about the other person & I develop tunnel vision. I forsake other activities & friends. I become entirely centered on that person & my world & self revolves around him/her. In other words, it's not just in mating that I do this. I can do it with a teacher, a new friend, an interest. With an interest it can be good because it means I deeply delve into the subject & really learn a lot. We can all make good use of traits of an addictive personality. In fact, there are very few if any personality traits we can't channel in a way that's useful for us. But first you have to recognize them. I know I'm an addictive personality so I really watch my alcohol intake most of the time. That's the only substance I seem to need to be watchful over & regulate. I do have control over it, most of the time simply don't drink. I don't need it or have a lot of opportunity to do it, seldom make an opportunity or take advantage of one. If I do, I usually control it well. I don't have any trouble with drugs because I tend to be highly reactive to the ones you'd have to use with caution (I'm talking addictive prescriptions), so take a minimum only when needed.

The one thing that gets me that I don't recognize until I've gotten well into it or well out of it is that "head over heels" thing - male/female, new friends, new interests - whatever the case at the time. I AM an addictive personality. Fortunately it hasn't much gone into substances (only cigarettes), although I'm not sure why. Due to awareness, I believe I've solved it regarding men. I'm totally into personal independence now & am truly feeling it. I don't believe I'd give myself over again like I've done in the past. But recently I did it with a new friend & teacher & had to be shocked into getting myself back out of it. I'd done it again, without the recognition. So I see that I still have work to do. Fortunately, I was the only one affected by this, unlike my former marriages. In those mistakes, others were hurt too. And I quickly recovered from my hurt this time & learned a valuable lesson. Fortunately I was given the insight about doing this in relationships of all kinds, & that I do it with interests too. So it was a very valuable lesson at a very low cost. I like those.

If you are not at all prone to any kind of addiction you know others who are, so this is still valuable information. What I want you to see is that addictions come in all shapes & sizes. You can be addicted to things that are not considered the norm, & therefore not see it in yourself (or else, again, in others). Food is a common addiction, & most people recognize that one. Some other kinds of addictions: turmoil (they keep things stirred up), deadlines (those who always wait to the last minute), excitement, risk, "bad boys," co-dependents, unhealthy personalities in others, fighting, staying down (don't do anything to improve their lives or keep making unfortunate choices), being the victim (they set up circumstances that causes this), being sick. There are many others too. Thing is, if there's a recurring theme in your life or the life of someone you're trying to help, addiction needs to be taken into consideration. Chances are you or that person is addicted to a certain condition in life & therefore perpetuating it. And if there's one area of addiction you can identify, there's sure to be more.

Part of conquering it is done in organizations like AA. You have to acknowledge the addiction. In some cases, conquering it is just a matter of recognizing it, acknowledging it, & working to make conscious choices to change it. That's more the case with addictive behaviors than with addictions to things like food or substances, of course. But recognizing our problems is the first step toward awareness & solving the problem no matter what it is.

Addictive personalities have serious problems in setting personal boundaries. In my case, lack of boundaries stems from childhood abuse, which I've perpetuated to the point of often being a victim. Fortunately, I'm not tied or addicted to being a victim, & am working on my boundaries. There is a lot of great material out there for people like me, who want to be get better at setting our boundaries. I won't begin to recommend any specifics at this point. I simply suggest that you get hold of what is simpliest to understand & follow, & that you buy the publication so you can highlight, flag pages, read, & re-read as much as needed. These issues are usually deep rooted & take a long time to fix. The good news is, they are fixable, & we benefit immessurably from doing the work. Intent is everything, & I've added to my "I Am" statements to help me with these addictions. It says "I am happy being addiction free & a non-smoker."

You Gotta Stop & Smell the Kitties

Ok, I'm one of those corny people who makes fun of popular songs, poems & sayings. But I really do mean the title of this blog. The question is, how deeply involved are you in your life, what's around you, & the people & blessings in your life? That's what this is all about. If you have cats or other pets, did you know that every animal (as well as people) has it's own unique scent? Mothers smell their babies when they're born & vice versa - all breeds, people & animals. Do you recognize the scent our your spouse? I never thought about it with cats or other pets until Bonnie grew up (my beloved long-haired black cat). I used to ruffle the fur on her back with my face because it felt so good. That's when I noticed her unique scent, came up with the words that are the title here. The sentiment fit. When I was stressed, it really helped to just stop everything & pet Bonnie, listen to her purrs, enjoy the contact.

We get so caught up in our daily stresses & work that we neglect what really matters - true & deep involvement with the people around us, our pets, & the wonders & beauty. And the problem is, that's all that really matters & is really the best of all there is. So if you don't stop & take time to enjoy them, you're missing out. Stopping all the noise around us (cell phone, TV, music) to listen to the birds singing, & truly enjoy it, is to hear the sweetest music. Or the sounds of laughter & play are also very sweet music. Most sunsets are better than most paintings, & free of charge. One of the biggest ways to relieve stress is to stop & be present, enjoy what's around us, whether it's people, pets, or nature. All of it's free & there all the time. Enjoying these things, stopping to notice & truly appreciate them, leads to gratitude & true happiness. Sometimes I've wondered how I'm able to maintain a sense of happiness overall when things can seem to go so wrong in my life. The answer is that I do stop to smell the kitties, am deeply involved in life & the goodness of it. I choose to be happy, to enjoy what I have & the pleasures around me, no matter how simple. I often talk with my cats as I go past them, stop & give them a pet, tell them I love them. So they are very happy, giving, loving, & well-adjusted. I stop & look out the window & find something to appreciate. I fill my surroundings with things that bring me pleasure & then I notice & enjoy them. I try to be as present as possible as I go through my life. I get involved with people, go deeply into my areas of interest. I'm not a surface skimmer at all. That's not to say that I don't get preoccupied, but I try not to stay that way.

I really tend to multi-task so it's very important for me to stop & notice what's around me, stay in the present. What I've learned is that we all make our own happiness. Happiness, gratitude, & fun all go together & they're best found in the little things. I do things like sing to the cats, tunelessly & spontaneously hum when I'm especially happy, & make things into fun as I go along. It's all a matter of attitude. When I walk through the house I notice where the cats are & what they're doing, pay attention to them. Usually I stop & give them a little attention. When one of them asks for attention, I almost always stop what I'm doing & give it to them. Therefore, I have a happy family of contented cats, as I've tried to manifest. All of this is part of my intent, & true intent helps you focus on what's important. I can't really say I stop & smell the kitties much these days. Only one seems to really like having my face in her fur, & her fur is short & sleek - not the kind to bury your face in. However, she loves to stick her face in mine so I certainly know her scent. I know the particular feel of Whiskers, since he has such a unique coat (coarse top hair & an undercoat, more like certain dogs). I know the sounds they make & can tell from another room who & is doing what. I know the feel of each of them, & enjoy them all. I'm very much a sensuous person & recommend it to all. By sensual, I don't mean anything to do with sex although it can certainly enhance that. I mean one who gets deeply into experiencing the 5 senses. I experience things majorly through these senses. For example, did you know that certain flowers have different scents depending on color? This used to especially be true of tulips, although the varieties have changed & scent doesn't seem to be much of a factor any more. I stop smell the roses & other flowers, plant based on scent & color. The more present you are, the more you use your senses, the more you'll get out of life & all around you.

These days the only constant in my life is my family of 6 beautiful, unique cats. I didn't set out to have 6 cats, usually gave homes to 2-4. Now that I'm single, I wondered how I'd meet the social needs of 6, be able to give each enough love & attention. But since I stop & pet them, am very present with them, we do well together. I pay attention to their individual personalities & needs. Cassandra & Karma have been with me since November 6, 2010. They were abused & dumped, so I've given them special care. Karma suffered blunt force trauma to her spine before finding her way to me. She's skittish with most people, & just now opening up to full petting from me. Mostly she preferred to lie against me without me touching her. Now she crawls onto my lap & wants a little gentle petting, full body. I'm very careful in how I approach them so I don't come on too strong with them, startle them or touch off bad memories. Cassandra like to rub her nose against mine when receiving loving. Karma shows her affection by following me around & licking my leg if I stand still long enough. Whiskers just likes to have his neck petted, doesn't really like full body petting. Long ago I figured out that his back is ultra sensitive to stimulation. He's turning 12 so I've had a long time to learn him. He likes other to offer their hand & if he accepts them, he'll bump the hand to ask for scratching on his neck. Breezy is up for anything, any time. But I know she likes to sleep under the covers when it's cold, & that she needs to knead me. We work it out so I don't get hurt & she gets what she wants. Louie has to be in the mood for attention, it's all on his terms. He likes for me to offer my hand for licking, sometimes likes for me to then pet his neck with that hand (a form of using me as a grooming tool). And Angel is just desperate for any love & affection shown. I struggle with that because I'm not good with "constantly needy" that never gets full. I've learned all this by paying attention to their cues, really tuning in as a giver. Many people give what they like rather than what is needed, even with cats. They don't pay attention to the cues from others, even when needs are specifically stated. From living with cats, I've learned to pay attention to those subtle cues, to hone in on needs, & to give what is needed rather than from my own style. I again recommend Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages. We're all in relationship to other humans, & it talks about the 5 different styles of giving love & recognizing love given. It applies to work & family relationships, friendships also. It's written to couples but when you understand these principles you're able to see how others are trying to express esteem for you & other good things. It also teaches you about your own style, & how to recognize the particular style & therefore needs of others to receive from you. So it's helpful in all areas of life because life involves relationships. We all only benefit from this understanding.

Keeping in Touch - No Regrets

I've done plenty of things in this life that I regret from the bottom of my heart but I try my best to get over them & to learn from them. I also try to live my life without creating further regrets. Part of that is keeping in touch with those I care about & saying those 3 little words whenever I mean them (I love you).

This morning I called my last boss (my kids & I lovingly call him Doc - he has a doctorate in education) because we haven't talked in nearly a year. When I didn't receive a Christmas card from him I was concerned, wrote myself a note to call him. Every day I'm at least as busy as the next person, so it took until February 16th to act on it, but this morning found him at the front of my mind & heart. Tuesday I was at a job interview & was asked what Doc would say if they called him for a reference. I'm such an honest person that my response was "I don't know." I take things so literally! I knew it would be good but couldn't think of what someone else would say. I ended up saying that it really says a lot that 12 years later we're still friends. As usual, the conversation stuck with me as unfinished business & my heart & head have been answering it ever since. I think back to the years when Doc (we all called him that) & the rest of the staff were like a family. I miss that time so much, miss those people. Doc & I are the only ones who have kept in touch & except for Christmas cards, it's been me keeping in touch with him. Technically, phones work both ways but we all know that it's usually up to one person to make that call. With some, you call each other but with many, it's up to you.

Doc & I had a lovely conversation, caught up on our families & the friends we have in common. He's getting up there in age, never remembers the name of the woman I was friends with who got me the job there. Sometimes keeping in touch is bittersweet. My heart is aching for what I lost when Doc retired, when I quit that job. It brings back missing some of those times & people. It seems like it was a lifetime ago rather than 12 years. In many ways, it was, & now I'm almost crying. Doc helped parent my kids when I was a single parent. It brings back so many memories, some good & some that still hurt. Keeping in touch is not all fun or light or roses, but it's so important. One day he won't be around to talk with. I intend to call him more often, enjoy him while I can. When I worked for him & after, I told him how much I appreciated the way he helped me with the kids & through all the difficulties. Now I'm going to write a letter & tell him again. I'll cry when I write it but it will be good for me. Once I mail it I will have done the very best I can to give back the love behind his giving during that time. Now that I no longer work for Doc, I'm able to tell him I love him, & I do. He was there for me & my children during the toughest times I faced as an adult & my working conditions under him were ideal. It was a national educational association & I was originally hired as receptionist. Doc promoted me until I was the Director of Education despite not having a college degree! He let me work independently, gave me the freedom to juggle a variety of tasks on my own timetable. He trusted me to get things done as they needed to be done, rather than trying to dictate my schedule. As a result, I was able to work to my full potential & the organization benefited as much as I did. I learned & achieved so much as a result, & am very grateful.

The biggest lesson I've ever had about keeping in touch & fully verbalizing love, appreciation & gratitude came when my beloved grandparents died. My grandmother died about 10 days after my last visit with her. At the time, my grandparents lived about 8 hours from me, & I went to visit 3-4 times a year, kept in close touch between visits. Whenever I spent time with them, I told them how much I love & appreciate them. I'd tell them that they were like parents to me & what a difference they've made in my life because of that. So when Grandma died, I'd just said it all again. I had no regrets, had left nothing unsaid or undone. My grandfather died 3 months later & I did have regrets. He'd wanted me to come visit over the summer & I hadn't. Grandma died right around Memorial Day & Grandpa died right around Labor Day. I didn't go visit over July 4th as I often did, & Grandpa really wanted to see me, needed to see me with Grandma gone. But I didn't go. Turns out I wasn't processing or dealing with my grief over losing Grandma, & didn't realize it. So I avoided going. I didn't go for Labor Day weekend either, & he went into the hospital & died within 2 days, before I could get there. I now understand that I was grieving too, why I didn't go, & have forgiven myself. But for many, many years I had double pain over Grandpa's death because I also lived with my regret.

Keeping in touch & saying those words is not without cost to you. Sometimes it can be embarrassing to say those words to someone, but they're very important & meaningful so say them & deal with it. I told Doc I love him & miss him at the end of the conversation & he said "me too." He's never said the words "I love you" to me but I know he does & I know he appreciates hearing it from me. Tomorrow I'll call my mentor from those years, the doctor of optometry who was our educational consultant. I love him dearly too. It hurts to talk with him since he had a stroke about 5 years ago. When I talk on the phone with either of them, I'm unpleasantly reminded of their mortality. But it's worth it. Every contact is a chance to touch & be touched, to give back the love & care that was given to me, & will probably be the single most important thing I do these days.

More Thoughts on Hierarchy of Needs

Ever since I looked up & reviewed Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs it's been in the back or front of my mind. It made me realize that I've had things out of balance a lot. I've had my head in the clouds, trying to do God's work without taking proper care of me & 3rd Dimensional needs. All I have is me to do these things. Long ago I figured out that I had to be my own parent, my own mother & father. My beloved grandparents died when I was in my early 30s & they were the closest constant I had as far as mother/father love & energy. Or I should say, the only healthy, constant source. After they died I had to provide it for myself & glean it now & then from friends & other family. My mother suffers from some severe personality disorders & my father was non-functional as such. I learned about family love from TV & watching the interaction of others. That's pretty faulty when you think about it. The best guidance came from within, that part of me that knew when things were "off," & desired better. I tried very hard to give to my children from my own unmet needs. I tried to give them what I'd never had except from my grandparents. As we all do, I made many mistakes but as with so much, intent counts & so does heart. My parents were completely self-centered & I was not. My full intent was to give them the best life I could & my focus was on them. I was centered on them. So I made mistakes but was a much better parent than I'd had. As a result, I sometimes enjoy wonderful mothering from my adult daughter. I did better than my parents did & she's working to do better than I did. Since she has yet to be blessed with children of her own, she mothers those around her when she sees a need. She's a great blessing to many, including me when I need that. She does it beautifully, graciously, & entirely from the heart. My son tries to father me some, with financial advice & care about my physical situation. It's very touching. He too will do better than I did. It does my heart such good to see them in action.

What's been so on my mind since reading the Hierarchy of Needs is that I have to get my head out of the cloud & concentrate on that second level, the safety level. I realized how much of my life has been without those things. There's only me to make sure I get them, & that should be my main focus right now. I've been moving toward that lately & reading the list really snapped me to attention. I have been caring for & taking care of others & not myself, & that's been the overall pattern of my life. As part of that, I've been focused on doing God's work & being guided & directed, but neglecting a focus on my needs. I have such a strong desire for self-actualization but must take care of the lower needs before I can get there. And there's only me to do that. I'm writing about this because I don't believe I'm the only one who has things out of balance.

Maslow acknowledges that we work on more than one level at a time, work on more than one need at a time. I'm not saying I or you have to entirely concentrate on only a lower level need & forget about the higher. What I'm telling you & myself is that those lower needs are true needs, not wants, & must be taken care of before you can entirely achieve actualization at the highest level. So working only to achieve the highest level needs is out of balance & in most cases won't lead to filling all our true needs. I live in the 3rd Dimensional world & must take care of 3rd Dimensional needs while seeking the higher course. These days I'm out looking for an office job. I wanted to work from home, just using my talents & doing God's work, communing with my cats (cats are an actual need for me!). This isn't bringing in the income I need so I've gotten serious about finding an office job, & had quite a surprise yesterday. I interviewed for a position that blew me away. I walked in with Mike Dooley's book on manifesting change because I'd been reading it while waiting. The Director noticed it immediately, started talking about manifesting, Reiki, working with essential oils - my language! Then the Reiki Master & holistic practitioner in the room chimed in, & I became very excited. This was an ad I answered from the Pennysaver, but had a bit of a feeling about. That feeling was small so I was, as I said, blown away by what I was hearing. I had no idea that a group of advanced possibility thinkers who were totally innovating a health care delivery system would be out there searching for a team employee. So now I see it doesn't have to be one or the other - a job or God's work, drudge or fulfillment. I took the forward steps toward what I need & the Universe delivered that interview (read Mike Dooley - this is straight out of his book that this happens).

Needs vs. Wants

In 1943 Maslow created a pyramid model he called a hierarchy of needs for each human. At the bottom are the most essential to life & as you move up, you get more into the psychological needs than the physical. The physical needs are mostly metabolic & obvious - food, water, sleep, air, etc. Just above that are the safety needs - for personal & financial security, health & wellbeing, & a safety net against accidents & illnesses & their adverse impacts. Next comes love & belonging, including friendships, intimacy, family. The next highest level (next to the top) are esteem needs. These have been divided into lower (respect from others, status, recognition, attention) & higher (self-respect, strength, competence, mastery, self-confidence, independence, freedom). The top level is called self-actualization & includes creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, acceptance of facts. What is amounts to is being able to come into your full potential. Before you can do that, you truly need to master all the other needs in the pyramid. It's a very interesting read & I've only touched on it here, only paraphrased the concepts. It was an entire chapter in our psychology course in high school.

Most people mix up needs with wants, & many of us have many of our wants met while some of our basic needs are not. I found it interesting reading this hierarchy just now because I'd forgotten what they all were, only remembered the concept. It amazes me how much of my life I've gone without most of my most basic needs met, from the second level on, including now. Wikipedia tells what happens when these needs aren't met & is spot-on. I wasn't thinking of some of this as universal need, like friendships & certain types of safety. I've had very little safety in my life so it's amazing I do as well as I do, am as emotionally healthy as I am. I have God & the angels, plus certain friends & family through the years, to thank for that. No wonder I keep getting depressed & fearful, since I lack most of the aspects of safety & have most of my adult life!

Many people mistake wants for needs & therefore go about seeking the wrong things, while neglecting their true needs. For me, it's often that I'm seeking things in the 2 highest levels instead of taking care of the safety needs. Now I'm going to get out of my head & tell you some needs that are my own opinion.

I believe each home needs at least one bath mat, unless your tub or shower is equipped with something non-slip. Just because you've never fallen doesn't mean you won't. Even if you never use bath oil, soap in any form (shaving foam, shampoo) is slippery & if just one time your tub or shower doesn't drain quite right, you can slip & fall. I also think a firm, non-slip rub to step out on is a necessity. And please don't leave your bath mat in the tub full time & let it mildew like my ex husband did! I think every car should have a set of jumper cables unless you have a motor club membership. Even if you don't know how to use them, someone around you probably does. I think every adult should have a will unless you own absolutely nothing of any value that no one would want. I think everyone should have a cell phone for emergencies if nothing else. If you can't afford one, there are those available for low income people for emergencies. I think most adults should have a Facebook account for networking opportunities. You don't have to spend any real time on it. Facebook can eat up all your time & most people use it all wrong - to vent, attack others, post too personal information & photos, hook up, etc. But Facebook, when used to network, can be very powerful. I work it rather than waste time on it. I use it to my advantage & ignore the rest, the junk on it. Through it I receive networking invitations that I can take or leave - it's up to me but this way I know about them. I don't post things that put my privacy at risk, & control my settings so that people can find me for networking. I'm cautious about who I "friend" & what I post.

I also believe that we all need comfortable shoes & underclothes. So many people have nice clothing & uncomfortable shoes, underclothes, & toothbrushes because they don't replace them when needed. They're thinking about appearances instead of needs. I believe that most people need at least one house plant & at least one pet - something to nurture that brings joy & a reason to get up other than duty. I believe we all need some things that make us feel good & loved. I have some special things throughout my home that remind me of that regularly. One of my particular needs is organization & cleanliness within the home. It's a higher need for sure, but I function so much better when I take care of having an organized & clean space to live & work. I'm sure many of you could add to my list, or would like to argue or subtract. Please feel free. This is just my opinion in this forum.

To My Bonnie - What I've Learned from Cats

Bonnie was the most unusual cat I've ever known. She was born in my home, a "whoops" that was meant to be. False heats & one that wasn't led to a litter of 4. Bonnie was the only long-haired cat, all black & extremely beautiful. And she knew it. She was the most lively & clever of the kittens, soon stood out from the others. The first time she left the birthing room & explored the house, she captivated my 100 pound dog! He was hers from then on, wrapped around her little paw. As her personality developed, she became a princess to the extent that she inspired a short story about her royalty & the planet she came from. Bonnie was the most self-possessed cat I've ever known, & the most special. She taught me everything I know about being a cat, how they think & view the world, us. And now she's one of my spirit guides. We had a special & unique bond & I miss her every single day. I'm crying now, as I write, because that pain never quite goes away. Even though she's with me, I miss her. She was only with me for 7 years & 3 months due to a heart defect & her will (wouldn't take her medicine), but made more of an impact on me than any other animal. Remember I'm an animal person when you read that.

When Bonnie was growing up I was a single parent up against it, working full time & caring for my children under very adverse circumstances. I always put my children & my job first & for a long time I came last. I teach that people are not an unlimited resource & that you must take good care of yourself because if you don't, others will have to. This is a lesson I learned in counseling for displaced homemakers a year after single-parenting began. However, what I did was give myself the bare minimum I needed to function. When Bonnie was born I was also finishing up a year of counseling dealing with the sexual & emotional abuse from my childhood. I'd entirely repressed the memories of the sexual abuse & they didn't surface until after separating from my husband. I was dealing with recovery on top of all the rest. I was in the process of learning who I was, how I felt about things, & learning to love myself. Loving myself & seeing myself clearly was the biggest challenge. I certainly needed Bonnie's lessons!

Here's what I learned by observation. Cats are normally very graceful, clever, creative, self-possessed, & self-respecting. I gave it all away, was too open & "out there." I learned grace from Bonnie. I learned to carry myself in a graceful manner (as I once did when my physical self-image was better). I also learned to handle situations & others with grace. Have you ever seen a cat fall off something? They pick themselves up with an air of "I meant to do that" & stalk off if you laugh. Bonnie was too much of a lady to ever fall but her brother did & I learned from that. I learned to retain my dignity even when I made a mistake, to pick myself up & just move on. I also learned not to dwell on the mistake & punish myself (some - took quite awhile to learn that one). I learned to take care of my self-image. I learned that appearances matter, how you conduct yourself & appear toward others. I began imitating Bonnie. Remember, I was rebuilding myself. I learned from her & the others. One of the things I learned was not to give it all away, that I matter too. Dogs are very eager to please you, are pack animals that will do just about anything for you. Cats please themselves yet are giving, especially when you're in need. They are more cool, & are subtle, rather than all out there. They can appear aloof but aren't - they just don't gush often. So I learned to be more reserved until I knew it was safe, learned to be more self-possessed. I learned that you can be just as giving & loving without going "all in" from the start.

Cats are very individual personalities, masters of their own fate as much as possible. I learned that being an unusual individual was good & that helped me feel better about myself. Instead of trying to fit in & conform, I learned it was ok to be different. Cats aren't so aloof or independent that they don't need us, but they're discerning & discriminating. They don't fall all over the first nice person they meet, tell their whole life stories, etc. You have to earn the deep love of a cat & when you do, you've truly accomplished something worthwhile. I learned to hold myself in higher regard, & was very honored to be Bonnie's one & only human love. I learned to set boundaries some & protect myself, keep some of myself in reserve. I learned to give without giving it all away. Cats are truly very giving, without losing themselves in doing it. Their purrs are very healing for us. And contrary to what some believe, they don't go to the one person who hates cats out of perversity. They do it because they sense the need of that person. Someone that locked up really needs a dose of love & affection.

Cats clearly show their pleasure & I learned the importance of that. They show you just what they want & how they want it, then reinforce your response. They nap when they need to, are self-grooming, take good care of themselves & I learned that too. They don't carry grudges either, another good lesson. If you accidentally step on a cat they run & hide but soon come out & all is forgotten. However, if you purposely hurt a cat, you've lost their trust forever. That's not a grudge, it's self-protection. I don't mean if you hurt one to help him - like administer a shot. The rest of your behavior is loving & kind so they understand there's a reason. I mean abuse. They do their best to get away from abusers. Cats are also very resourceful & creative. They'll turn anything into a toy & create their own games & fun. I learned that you can turn even routine things into fun with a change of attitude & perspective. I already knew how to turn "trash" into "treasure," something I learned from my beloved grandmother. Cats have a great sense of play, bring it into their lives multiple times a day, all on their own. That's another wonderful thing we can learn from them. When in the mood they can turn almost anything into play & they're always ready for play if we initiate. They make the most of opportunities as soon as they're presented, another thing I've learned from them. They aren't shy or hesitant about seizing opportunity or new experiences.

I've had cats in my home since the first one "happened" to me in 1982. It's no secret that they've become my favorite animal (I was a dog person growing up). I continue to enjoy them daily, can't imagine life without them. And I constantly admire & learn from them.

I Need to Learn from My Cats

Cats are amazing manifesters. (I think I just created a new word.) I noticed this the other evening while trying to work with manifestation energy. They are persistent & creative in getting what they want. Cats will work very hard with single minded purpose toward getting what they want, & they don't forget. My beloved Bonnie loved babies breath, which is on the list of what's poisonous for cats. Once I got a single rose with babies breath from a sweetheart & had it in a vase on my dresser, the first time I found how much cats love the stuff. I shut the door to my bedroom to keep Bonnie away from the babies breath. Every time I opened the door, even after many hours, she'd race in, go straight to the babies breath, & try to eat it. That went on the entire time I had it there.

Cats study ways to get what they want. Louie leads me downstairs to the food bowls when they aren't as full as he likes. He also stands guard when I've accidentally shut another cat into a closet. It works. Eventually I realize something's off, see him at a door, & know then from experience to open it. Cats are great at teaching us what we need to know to provide for them. Cats are also self-petting. They rub up against us when they want to be petted, & if we don't they at least get some contact that way. They also tell us exactly where they want to be petted, by moving their body parts to get what they want under our hands.

Cats always know what they want at the moment, & go about getting it. Karma will paw through the entire toy basket until she finds just what she wants. They are very patient that way, don't give up easily. If a toy is knocked under the refrigerator, they'll spend lots of time trying to fish it out. If that doesn't work, they'll try to get us involved. I now keep a yard stick in the kitchen so I can fish things out for them. They are also very effective in stopping things they don't want. They're little creatures so people can easily overpower them, but they have teeth & claws they use effectively to give the message. Some will give a warning first - a hiss, a movement, a meow - & some don't. But with us & with each other, they clearly & effectively draw their boundaries.

So I've decided to meditate on cat behavior & what I can learn about intent & boundaries from them. I am so used to my cats & their behaviors that I normally react rather than think. Now I'm going to be more conscious of their methods & see how I can apply them to my own life. Long ago I realized that I needed to be more catlike. I always denied my own needs in service to others, especially my children. From cats I learned some things about care of self. Now it's time to study them from the aspect of intent & boundaries, see what more I can learn. For those of you who are interested in animal communication, getting into their heads is essential. You have to learn to think like a cat, have to study them. So this work on studying them to learn about intent & boundaries, single-mindedness toward fulfillment of wants & needs, will only further my understanding & abilities.

Banishing Fear

I've been battling fear based energy since just before Christmas, due to a series of events that have pushed all my buttons. When I say "pushed all my buttons" I mean that the events have uncovered all the ways I still need to heal emotionally. On top of all else, that can engender negative feelings because I've worked so hard to overcome & heal. Having old issues touched off has indicated that I haven't done all the healing I need to. I'm still my own worse critic & it's been hard reliving old issues. I tend to see how far I still have to go more than how far I've come, until my wonderful friends & family remind me of what my life was like a year ago (at whatever time, a year ago is usually where the comparison goes). Like everyone else, I get tired of finding that I still have ground to cover, healing to do, life lessons to learn. Sometimes it feels like all this will be with me forever. It's painful because these things have touched off the deepest insecurities & wounds. Our emotions, reactions, & experiences are layers. I've worked on so much that now I seem to be dealing with the deepest layers, & therefore very painful ones. However, I've got all the coping skills I've gained while dealing with the other layers so it isn't as bad as it could be. Recently I listened to a woman who is in the infant stages of healing from intense abuse when she was a child. She wanted to heal all at once, have it out all at once. The rest of us in the group explained that it can't work that way. Healing has to come about in stages because we couldn't possibly handle the whole thing at once. To get down to that bottom layer immediately would destroy us. There's a reason our subconscious reveals it all in layers.

My main fear over the last 6 weeks has been that I will lose the home I now have & no longer be able to provide a home for the cats I've rescued. It would also mean losing my nest & my ability to have access to the things that bring me comfort & joy. I've feared hitting rock bottom again, because it's happened before, which led to the husband I just divorced & all that went with that. So this is a big fear for me, a complex, multi-layered issue.

We all have fears that are deep & individual, so I want to share with you what came to me last night after a friend did Reiki on me. These are the things I need to remember the minute fear energy comes into me. 1) I am a good person & worthy. I am worthy of love, comfort, care, safety, prosperity, & having all my needs & many of my wants satisfied. 2) I do God's work, love God, am good & giving & caring to others. I give of myself regularly. (This goes back to making sure I feel worthy.) 3) God is in charge of my life & what happens in it. I put my life & day in His Hands every day. I'm here for a purpose & the purpose is in line with Him so I don't need to fear anything that happens. He is in control & I can certainly trust Him. 4) Being homeless or destitute is not in the plans, is not His will for me or other Lightworkers. He want to enable me. 5) When He shuts a door He'll open another. 6) I'll never have to give away my cats & let them down. They won't be homeless either. I won't be repeating that history. 7) I'm in charge of how I conduct my life & must be consciously manifesting good, not fear. I don't have to continue repeating past mistakes. 8) I have a friend I can move in with, along with all my cats, if necessary, & being with her would be a joy. 9) I'm surrounded by love & Love - friends nearby, family, those I've helped, angels, departed loved ones, guides, God, Jesus, Archangel Michael & Mother Mary. I have no reason to fear! 10) What we call reality is actually just an illusion, so everything IS ok, & as it should be. 11) My job is to do all the work before me to do. God's job is to provide the "wages."

I wrote these last night on the back of my manifestation statements. I need them to be by themselves, not part of my "I Am" or manifestation statements. I need them not to get lost in the rest, to be right there where I can read them daily & have them stand out. I need them clearly visible, to access any time I feel any fear. Those are mine, based on my needs & personal beliefs. Now I recommend that you write your own.

Why I Believe in Positive Intent, Not Coincidences

I began to see the power of positive intent around 2005, through a series of events. I lost my dreams in the mid 1980s or thereabouts. The 90s were about coping. But around 2001 or so I began dreaming again. I began to believe that I could visit hands-on with baby tigers, swim with dolphins, & have my own home-based craft business & a business called Cattitude. I didn't fool with the "cursed hows" as Mike Dooley puts it. I didn't know how these things would happy, but I believed that with my now ex-husband, anything was possible. He helped me believe & to believe in myself. He helped me feel that I deserved these things & that I was talented enough to make them a reality. He helped me believe in myself & the power of possibilities & positive intent. He helped me feel like I had that power & that we especially had it together. During that time I began to believe that anything was possible. Then he took that all away & I'm back to trying to figure out how.

I have a natural inclination, at times, to believe I can make things happen. I think back to high school, when I would love so deeply & intently, & eventually get the guy. Well, almost once in 9th grade & definitely in 10th. I also made things happen for myself with music, & I forget what else. But back to 2005. In 2002 I figured out that I wanted to be married on Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney & that I wanted Phil at the wedding. At the time, I was told that he would never go for that. Yet he proposed on Groundhog Day in Punxsy in 2004 & told me we'd be married a year later, there in Punxsy. That's when I firmly set my intent to have Phil at the wedding. I was told he couldn't be there, but I never stopped hoping or trying. I was still surprised when he was there! So that was manifestation #2, #1 being that I got married there on Groundhog Day in the first place. It took several years for these things to happen, but they did. I never wavered in what I wanted.

In 2004 I met a woman in Punxsy who's mother raises sheep nearby. Her mother spins, knits, has a shop there, & ran a B&B. I met the mother, stayed at the B&B, became friendly with her. The following summer I made a last-minute decision to go to a jazz concert & met a woman who raises alpacas. We got to talking & she invited me to her farm, offered to teach me to spin (another long-held dream of mine). A week later I was back at the B&B & "happened" to tell the owner that I wanted to start a shop called Cattitude & wanted a unique product to sell. She suggested I start spinning cat hair for people, said it could be a big business as few do it. I went back home & talked with the alpaca lady & found out where to buy a wheel nearby. The place also had formal lessons & all kinds of resources. I was on my way! All this just "happened," but not really. Positive intent set it all in motion - met the daughter then the B&B owner, met the lady who knew where to buy a wheel locally & learn all I needed, then was given the idea of why to do it from the B&B owner again. Amazing! That's #3.

One summer later came my first encounter with baby tigers. My son had just come home from his first tour in Iraq (or was home on leave, I forget) & with us for a weekend so we went to the local carnival. A private zoo owner was up from S. Carolina with a 2 1/2 month old baby tiger! I hung around asking questions & observing for the next hour or so, until the carnival was closing & the guy asked me if I wanted to help out with the tiger for the rest of the week! He had a lot of young helpers so I didn't get to do that much but still - I was in heaven. The next summer he was back with two 2-month old baby tigers. I went the first night, hoping, & was asked to be the main helper all week because of my maturity. I spent 5 nights giving them their bottles, holding them, rocking them in my arms when they got restless, etc. It was my wildest dream come true!

Nowadays I mostly see intent working in little ways, but recognizing it as such is important. You know I've been swamped with the move & such, so you can imagine that I've gotten behind on business matters. I do things on a top priority basis, & push lesser priorities aside, as we all do. About a month ago I realized that the refund from the old electric company was about a month late & I needed to call them. I set my intent to do it the next day during business hours & the mail came first. In it was a statement from them showing my refund, so I knew a check was in the mail to me, no need to call. That's the power of intent. I thought the amount was wrong & that they owed me around $25 more but again set it aside for more important chores. A week ago I again set my intent to call the next day during business hours & again a statement of refund came in the mail before I could call the next day. I was again grateful for not having to do the chore of calling, grateful for the positive manifestation. But I also saw intent work in a big way last year, especially in the move to this house. I asked for a cozy home of my own with the cats that suits us entirely & that's just what I got. The other day a friend was here & wrote me an email afterwards, thanking me for having her. The one word she used to describe my house was "cozy." I had that exact word in my manifestation statements because it's very important to me, so it's meaningful to me that it's the word she used. The other word of great significance to me is "nest" & I didn't use that in my statements, & I'm not hearing it. I'm feeling it, but not hearing it. Funny how this thing works! More tomorrow.