My last husband used to tell me, "I didn't sign on for this" whenever I didn't meet his sexual needs. In truth, I was exactly what he "signed on for." We lived together for 5 years before getting married so he knew entirely what he was getting & married me anyway. I didn't drastically change during our relationship, as most of us don't.
Many people get together with someone & figure that during the relationship, or especially, after marriage, they'll be able to "fix" the other person to get more of what they want. When you read "fix" that's the motive, & "change" is the action. On a variation of that, my first husband married me figuring he could use me to change himself. He came from a family that not only never talked things out, they also didn't show affection. Except for my mother, I came from a family that showed affection often, casually, & easily, mostly in sweet little ways. I was that way. What happened though, is that I changed instead of him. I became less & less demonstrative. He didn't change as he'd hoped. You actually have to work at change & his family background never equipped him for that. More than 20 years later, he actually has changed to a large degree, due to his own efforts on behalf of his kids though. They ended up to be a greater motivator than I was, his love for them much deeper. I changed because I had less contact with my family over time & the other behavior was constantly being reinforced within my home on a daily basis. All this being said, usually the mistake made is entering into a relationship hoping to change the other person.
You simply cannot change someone else, so entering into a relationship hoping or needing to change the other person in anyway is a huge mistake. The only person you can change is yourself, & it's real work to do that. You have to really want to, & you have to retrain & repattern yourself over a period of time to create real change. The basic structure of who we are doesn't change but we can change the "spin" on our personality traits & can certainly change our habits. More on that "spin" tomorrow.
The act of marriage brings about huge changes in a relationship. I & many others I'm close to have lived with someone for years before taking that step. We'll all tell you it changes everything. Once you're married you're both kind of stuck. It takes a lot to get out of a marriage, including the financial aspect. Usually when you're living together you don't entirely co-mingle your funds & after marriage you do. Marriage is a huge commitment even though divorce is so prevalent. It's prevalent but certainly not easy. When you marry it's legally binding. It gives you certain rights that are very beneficial, like signing for surgeries & hospital visitations. But you're also bound legally if you decide you need to get out of it. There's a certain emotional security that comes from being marriage that can also be beneficial. A legal & relatively binding commitment has been made. But many take that as license to quit trying in the relationship after a relatively short time. Once you're marriage, you usually breathe an emotional sigh of relief. You're able to let down your guard some. It's very emotionally validating that your spouse has taken that step & you generally feel proud of yourself for the commitment too. You feel more free to settle in emotionally & truly invest yourself to the fullest degree you can. But often, power struggles come after all that initial good stuff. Usually there's a waiting period before you can get a divorce. After my first marriage I said the waiting period should occur before you can get married. I hurried into the first one & if we'd had to wait, it never would have happened. I also recommend a long period of relationship counseling before the wedding rather than the perfunctory talks I've seen most ministers require or suggest. And honesty during that period, real self-examination & discussion, should be required. So many children come from broken homes & this would largely eliminate that. Styles of conflict resolution, fighting fair, attitudes over money & control & roles within the household would be part of it. So would whether & when to have children & parenting issues. Finances, sex, & parenting are the largest battlefields within marriage, & religious differences & values can be a problem too. Extended family also plays a large role within many families. I was so used to being controlled by my mother that I didn't listen to the one good piece of advice she gave me before I married the first time. She said to make sure you know & love & like his family because you're marrying them too. Also, if you look to the parents & the siblings, how they handle things, you'll understand how he was raised & really know what you're getting.
Right now I don't believe I'd ever get married again despite predictions from trusted readers that I will. I don't think I'd ever live with anyone again & that's really a large part of marriage. I like the freedom to socialize when & with whom I want without having to consider someone else's needs. I love being able to spend my "free" time in any way I want. There's so much I love about it & it's so new to me. I was independent in the 1990s but was raising my children so was hardly free in any way. What I'm loving is the freedom of expression especially. Other than the living together part, I have nothing against marriage as a committed relationship, only against committed relationships for me. I feel no lack, therefore no desire. And since I also didn't have the right relationships for me in committed relationships, you can see why I'm not longing for another. There was awhile after my first divorce & before my second marriage that I felt very anti-marriage. Rather than increase this with another divorce, I've actually totally mellowed on it. Marriage can be wonderful, & I've been in awe of those happily married for a large number of years. I remember going to dinner with an elderly couple in the 1990s & loving the byplay between them. He would be telling a story & she'd jump in with details & take over. Then he'd jump back in to enhance & go back to it. It was a small portion of the script of their lives together & I could see how they'd truly become one. It was such a beautiful thing. One thing that touched me so deeply a short time before my beloved grandmother died was when she told me Grandpa always let her put her cold feet on his legs at night, to warm them. Grandpa chimed in about how true that is, how cold her feet always are, & I could have touched the love it so filled the room.
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