I've been at this topic all week. Boundaries are a part of it, & protecting yourself from false messages. This has actually been the umbrella for all the issues I'm dealing with at this point, & the issues of many others I know fit. It came together for me under this heading after listing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I've come to realize in a new way what I've known for a long time. We have to feel safe within our homes, with our friends, our guidance, & in the working world. A lot of the time I haven't been safe within my dwelling. I wasn't as a child, only partially was in my first marriage, wasn't at all in my second marriage. As a child & in my second marriage, I suffered abuse within the home. I've been harassed & abused in the work place, & have had those I consider friends turn on me from time to time. And I'm certainly not alone. The issue really came up for me when I moved & have been more out in the world. The more isolated we are, as I largely was before I moved & after I got other people (my mother, my ex husband) out of my house - the safer we generally are, except from personal hazard. The more we're out in the world, the more issues of personal safety become an issue. I've worked from home for so long but now I'm seeking outside employment, which opens me up. I have more friends, more of a social life & that's opened me up to boundary issues again. I've been seeking outside learning, which again opens me up.
The best way to ensure personal safety is to set boundaries, & to be in the present. Being in the present is a huge topic in itself. It means that you live in the moment, pay attention to what you're doing & what's going on around you. Living with cats, I have to watch where I walk & pay attention. I try to make the house as safe as I can for the cats & myself. I pay attention to our physical safety needs & try to anticipate potential problems before they happen. You just have to do that if you have pets or children within the home. As for the rest, that's where boundaries come in. I'm still learning to set boundaries.
You can live in a dwelling or a home. I need a home, a place of comfort, safety & refuge. I can set boundaries for myself within the work place & with friends & others I encounter but those within the home are the most important. It should be the one place you can count on for safety & refuge, your retreat. Since I live alone, it's much easier for me to find safety within my home & make it a true home. My issues are more about financial safety at this point (within the home) than anything else & I'm working toward financial security. Most people don't live alone so they have other issues, often including financial security these days. Soon I'll be doing some posts about relationship issues that can help those that share their home. Financial security is very important for all of us, though. I know of women who live with abuse or in bad relationships because they can't afford to move out. Financial security is a #1 issue for many. For now I've set aside dreams of working from home & am ready to do just about any kind of job to obtain financial security. I've opened to all avenues, including ways of providing supplemental income working from home to secure my present & insure my home. I'm not talking buying insurance, although that can be important to securing your finances. I certainly was glad I had the best car insurance when I totaled my car 2 weeks ago. I'm talking about doing everything within our power to secure our finances so that we are as protected as possible. I'm talking about making it a primary goal, setting our intent & really working toward it. I've made it my #1 priority. I never want to end up dependent again.
Back to boundaries as the other safety issue, because most of the rest fall under this. I'm learning to set & enforce boundaries in all areas of my life. In the past I was good about setting boundaries with my kids because I felt I had control there. (Control of another is truly an illusion.) I set boundaries for them & for our relationship & behaviors with each other. It's truly important to set boundaries for our own behaviors, by the way. For example, addictive personalities have failed to set those boundaries or enforce them. We get into a lot of trouble when we don't set & enforce boundaries on our own behaviors, & certainly can't expect boundary recognition from others. I believe setting boundaries starts with setting them for your own behaviors & works outward. It's truly hard to have any self-respect if you don't set & enforce internal boundaries. And please set them realistically, without perfectionism. No one can live up to that. Once you set boundaries for your own behaviors you're free to set boundaries on what you'll accept from others. From that position of self-respect you can seek respectful treatment from yourself & others. Boundaries are totally about respect. In the past I would have a narrow boundary for my kids & let others walk all over me. I had to widen the boundaries for my kids & set boundaries for what I'd accept from others. My friend Jenny was the opposite of me, & we'd often laugh & call each other on them. It was nice because being opposite in it, we'd really recognize the issues the other was having. I often don't know what my boundaries are until they're crossed. Then I have to deal with how to handle it. But the very fact that they're crossed means they're there. I've come a long way, but I still have to deal with the issue. I need to figure out which are in place & which aren't, in what areas I still need work. Once you have clear boundaries, you also need to learn what to do when the boundaries are crossed. And it's not like we walk around with our boundaries drawn on us like a map. Most boundaries are straightforward & have to do with being treated with simple respect. They also aren't an issue for many people. But for those new to setting boundaries, I would suggest that you develop respectful & appropriate ways for dealing with having them crossed. The best way is to tell the other person that you aren't comfortable with whatever it is that was said or done. You then tell the person that with this not within your comfort zone, you don't want to have to deal with it again. The relationship or status quo has to be based on respecting each other's boundaries. If you can't discuss this, there's a true problem that needs to be worked out. Again, that can be addressed in blogs about relationship issues coming. Sometimes we have to then enforce our boundaries & sometimes we have to assess & re-set them. If our boundaries are too narrow, they need to be changed. The best boundaries are fluid & change as our needs & relationships change. If we need to enforce them, we need to do it in the most gentle, respectful way possible or we'll cross someone else's. In extreme cases, we sometimes need to dump the relationship. At some point in our lives, we're going to have to enforce our boundaries in some way. Be prepared to follow through on whatever you've said if you tell someone how you'll enforce them. I remember in high school I had a friend who kept crossing me. I don't remember how exactly, but she was going behind my back to others to undermine my friendships as I recall. The first time I found out, I told her I didn't appreciate or like it, that I don't do it to her & won't tolerate having it done to me. I gave her a second chance though because I loved her. The second time she did it I reminded her of my boundaries & told her this was her last chance. I told her our friendship was entirely over if she did it to me again. When she did it the third time, I followed through even though we had a valued mutual friend. I called her on it & clearly (again) told her how she'd violated my boundary. I told her the friendship was now over & stuck with it despite all she did to try to win me back, including guilt & using the other friend. Because these were intentional violations of my trust & friendship, not simple errors. I'll forgive unintentional mistakes until the cows come home but not intentional ones. And these days I don't give 3rd chances. I draw the line at the first intentional one. I don't necessarily cut the person out of my life, but I withdraw enough to protect myself & keep watch on what happens from then on. The person has lost my trust & a lot of my giving & love at that point. From there they have to win me back & prove themselves to get closer to me again, & I will continue to treat them with caution. Sometimes the simplest & best way to enforce boundaries is by stepping away from the person or situation without confrontation of any kind. If I can do that without losing anything important, that's my preferred way.
Boundaries are at the heart of almost everything we do. I have to better set the boundaries within myself regarding relationships so I don't do the obsessive "head over heels" thing again. I also have to reset them regarding procrastination so I don't put myself into uncomfortable situations involving things piling up on me. Boundaries are all about choices - those we make for ourselves about our conduct & acceptable conduct toward us. We make them & change them all the time. Viewed in this way, perhaps they're easier to understand, make, & more recognizable. Within the home we make boundaries around cleanliness & order so we can better control the safety of our environment. Even what we'll ingest involves boundaries & choices, becomes a matter of health & safety. Good & enforced boundaries totally effect our health & wellbeing.
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