Keeping in Touch - No Regrets

I've done plenty of things in this life that I regret from the bottom of my heart but I try my best to get over them & to learn from them. I also try to live my life without creating further regrets. Part of that is keeping in touch with those I care about & saying those 3 little words whenever I mean them (I love you).

This morning I called my last boss (my kids & I lovingly call him Doc - he has a doctorate in education) because we haven't talked in nearly a year. When I didn't receive a Christmas card from him I was concerned, wrote myself a note to call him. Every day I'm at least as busy as the next person, so it took until February 16th to act on it, but this morning found him at the front of my mind & heart. Tuesday I was at a job interview & was asked what Doc would say if they called him for a reference. I'm such an honest person that my response was "I don't know." I take things so literally! I knew it would be good but couldn't think of what someone else would say. I ended up saying that it really says a lot that 12 years later we're still friends. As usual, the conversation stuck with me as unfinished business & my heart & head have been answering it ever since. I think back to the years when Doc (we all called him that) & the rest of the staff were like a family. I miss that time so much, miss those people. Doc & I are the only ones who have kept in touch & except for Christmas cards, it's been me keeping in touch with him. Technically, phones work both ways but we all know that it's usually up to one person to make that call. With some, you call each other but with many, it's up to you.

Doc & I had a lovely conversation, caught up on our families & the friends we have in common. He's getting up there in age, never remembers the name of the woman I was friends with who got me the job there. Sometimes keeping in touch is bittersweet. My heart is aching for what I lost when Doc retired, when I quit that job. It brings back missing some of those times & people. It seems like it was a lifetime ago rather than 12 years. In many ways, it was, & now I'm almost crying. Doc helped parent my kids when I was a single parent. It brings back so many memories, some good & some that still hurt. Keeping in touch is not all fun or light or roses, but it's so important. One day he won't be around to talk with. I intend to call him more often, enjoy him while I can. When I worked for him & after, I told him how much I appreciated the way he helped me with the kids & through all the difficulties. Now I'm going to write a letter & tell him again. I'll cry when I write it but it will be good for me. Once I mail it I will have done the very best I can to give back the love behind his giving during that time. Now that I no longer work for Doc, I'm able to tell him I love him, & I do. He was there for me & my children during the toughest times I faced as an adult & my working conditions under him were ideal. It was a national educational association & I was originally hired as receptionist. Doc promoted me until I was the Director of Education despite not having a college degree! He let me work independently, gave me the freedom to juggle a variety of tasks on my own timetable. He trusted me to get things done as they needed to be done, rather than trying to dictate my schedule. As a result, I was able to work to my full potential & the organization benefited as much as I did. I learned & achieved so much as a result, & am very grateful.

The biggest lesson I've ever had about keeping in touch & fully verbalizing love, appreciation & gratitude came when my beloved grandparents died. My grandmother died about 10 days after my last visit with her. At the time, my grandparents lived about 8 hours from me, & I went to visit 3-4 times a year, kept in close touch between visits. Whenever I spent time with them, I told them how much I love & appreciate them. I'd tell them that they were like parents to me & what a difference they've made in my life because of that. So when Grandma died, I'd just said it all again. I had no regrets, had left nothing unsaid or undone. My grandfather died 3 months later & I did have regrets. He'd wanted me to come visit over the summer & I hadn't. Grandma died right around Memorial Day & Grandpa died right around Labor Day. I didn't go visit over July 4th as I often did, & Grandpa really wanted to see me, needed to see me with Grandma gone. But I didn't go. Turns out I wasn't processing or dealing with my grief over losing Grandma, & didn't realize it. So I avoided going. I didn't go for Labor Day weekend either, & he went into the hospital & died within 2 days, before I could get there. I now understand that I was grieving too, why I didn't go, & have forgiven myself. But for many, many years I had double pain over Grandpa's death because I also lived with my regret.

Keeping in touch & saying those words is not without cost to you. Sometimes it can be embarrassing to say those words to someone, but they're very important & meaningful so say them & deal with it. I told Doc I love him & miss him at the end of the conversation & he said "me too." He's never said the words "I love you" to me but I know he does & I know he appreciates hearing it from me. Tomorrow I'll call my mentor from those years, the doctor of optometry who was our educational consultant. I love him dearly too. It hurts to talk with him since he had a stroke about 5 years ago. When I talk on the phone with either of them, I'm unpleasantly reminded of their mortality. But it's worth it. Every contact is a chance to touch & be touched, to give back the love & care that was given to me, & will probably be the single most important thing I do these days.