Road Map to Paradise

God doesn't give a road map to paradise to those who aren't going anywhere! If you're stuck in your life, not growing, not learning from your mistakes, nothing's going to get any better. Perfect practice makes perfect, just practicing doesn't. If you practice the clarinet & make a mistake on the same passage every time, you learn to slow yourself down until you can get it right. Then you practice getting it right at that slow pace. Then you get a little faster & practice getting it right. You do that, increasing your speed until you get to the pace you're supposed to be keeping. If you speed up too quickly, you have to slow yourself down again & practice getting it right at that speed before you increase again. If you practice making the same mistake without doing the work to learn & get it right, you only ingrain the mistake & make it inevitable. And if you only practice getting one piece perfect, you only know one piece. Practicing the same thing over & over & never moving on to something new is not the same thing as working on learning new stuff. You can have 10 years of experience practicing the same thing & learn it perfectly but that's hardly equal to 10 years of experience. True experience involves taking on multiple areas of learning.

There actually isn't a road map to paradise, yet paradise exists & we can find it. There are clear road signs, but you have to actually be moving along the road to find them. You don't find them by looking back at the way you came. There's some value in doing that if you haven't entirely learned the lessons of the past or released the things & people from your past. Part of growth is dealing with those things, forgiving yourself & whoever else you need to forgive, & letting go. To truly forgive you have to understand & accept both yourself & others as flawed humans. Then you have to let go. You can't move forward while dragging the past behind you, & you can't move forward until you've resolved the past. Until you resolve the past & let go, you continue to be in the grips of it & make the same mistakes. You repeat the heartaches with every new person or situation you encounter. You stay stuck in the same old patterns. You don't grow as a person because you haven't truly faced yourself or taken responsibility for your part in the things that have happened in your life. If you've been a victim, then you haven't taken responsibility for changing that pattern as an adult. Victims especially need to look at themselves & the choices they make in their lives. If you're truly helpless, a child or invalid for example, & are victimized that's one thing. If you're a capable adult, look to yourself because you're setting yourself up for it. Usually its because you don't feel you deserve better than that or don't believe in your capabilities. Women especially, get into situations where they're victims of their spouses or boyfriends. For whatever reason they lack a clear & healthy sense of self & are desperate enough to fall for abusive men. Most abusive men start out seeming very charming & powerful & women who don't know their own power are attracted to that. Once you get out of a relationship like that, you have to totally learn your worth or you'll do it again. You have to take the time to discover why you got into the relationship in the first place, & correct whatever led you to it. Once you deal with your own issues & strengthen your sense of self, only then are you ready for a new relationship. If you find yourself lonely or feeling vulnerable, longing for what you "lost" in the past relationship or immediately eager for a new relationship, you aren't ready. You're only ready when you feel whole within yourself & no longer feel the need. Now, want & need are different. You can want loving attention & still be ready, as long as it's not felt as a need, an ache. Chances are if you feel like there's really something missing in your life, you need to find a way to fill that need yourself rather than seeking a relationship to fill it.

Paradise truly isn't found in relationship with another. There's just no such thing as a perfect relationship because there are no perfect people. There's no perfect person out there for you because perfection doesn't exist on earth. There is no "happily ever after." If you ask people who have been married 50 years, they'll tell you that. I adjusted my beliefs about romance & marriage between my first & second marriages, & went too far in the other direction. I loved my second husband unconditionally & blindly, took all his outrageous behaviors in stride & accommodated him & them. Nobody's perfect, no relationship is perfect - I took that way too far. So the only thing I can tell you about how to have a successful marriage is that it has to be between 2 people who know & love themselves & are honest with themselves. That's also part of how you find paradise on earth. You have to know yourself, love yourself. You have to accept yourself & the universe as is but be willing to change the things that need changing. When it comes to changing, you have to be totally in touch with yourself & only acting on what you know to be true for yourself. No one else should be trying to tell you how to change or what to change. It has to come from within. You have to know yourself & be true to yourself. I believe we find paradise on earth when we're in touch with & in love with ourselves, when we're learning & growing. We then start to feel at one with others & life & nature & the universe. I greet most days here by thanking God for another day in paradise, & that song (by Sting?) plays in my head. "It's Just Another Day for You & Me in Paradise" is either the title or a line from it. A few months ago I so wanted to get out of this house & away from this place, could only see the problems here. I was still mired in the breakdown of my marriage & the unhappiness. I've grown & learned so much since then, mostly about myself. I've also worked to change my life & make it what I need it to be. Now I carry peace, contentment, & love within, so I'm creating my own paradise. Paradise is simply a matter of perception, so to find it, you have to go within. You have to find self love & all the beauty within yourself & then offer it unconditionally to yourself & all creation. Once you do that you'll find all you ever truly need, within yourself. The depths of your love, peace, wholeness, & sense of wellbeing will astound you!

Personal Power - Part 2 of 2

Here's what I've learned about personal power & intent. Now that I truly understand the power of intent, I plan on expanding its use in my life. I understand now that our biggest limitations are in our mind. Remember how afraid I was to use Gorilla Glue? I came to expect myself to be able to handle it & to actually fix an antique bed frame with it & I did. I had been self limiting before that. Things were changing but I wasn't growing with the changes because I was self limiting. I was believing the limiting messages I was taught by others & by life, despite the lessons I was learning about the power of intent. Now I'm working toward expanding my power by challenging beliefs of time, space, & limitations. Each time I come up against a limit, I work to find a way around it, one after another. If you study metaphysics at all you see that time, space, matter & mass are illusions. For example, nothing is truly solid no matter what our senses tell us & we were taught. Matter is made of moving molecules they now know. Now, I can't explain to you how things manage to hold together anyway. I believe it has something to do with magnetism between the molecules but I'm not a scientific mind. I understand it but not well enough to explain it at this point. You'll have to do the research for yourself on that one. Same with time & space. But I believe, & therefore I know enough to know that I can move beyond the limitations we've been taught.

I want to share a quote sent to me a few days ago by a wise, young friend. "Change is inevitable; growth isn't." I've made the conscious decision to harness change by growing with it. Instead of letting things happen to me & reacting, I work toward acting purposefully, with intent. Therefore I'm more in control of the changes taking place. And for the things I can't control, I can at least control my actions in response to, rather than simply reacting. I also understand that I can't control the timetable or the way to any desired outcome. I'm learning to visualize my intent with patience. I trust that because I have the best intent, & I back it up with work & faith, it will eventually come about. In the meantime I will be learning & growing, because that's also part of my intent. I know now there's always a reason for things happening as they do, in the way & time that they do. "It's all good" is my philosophy. Now, in these blogs I regularly says things that sound contrary to that because of those who look for signs instead of making things happen. I know that everything is working for good in my life & that the things that are happening are meant to happen because I'm actively making them happen. I'm not sitting around waiting for someone else to tell me what to do, including God. I'm not standing still in my life waiting for signs - I'm on the move & looking for signs when things don't seem to be going my way. That way I can make adjustments if needed. It's also how I accept with grace when things aren't going the way I envisioned. I trust the outcome. And I stay open to adjusting my path. As I'm looking for signs, more often than not I'm expecting the signs to tell me I'm on the right path. That's usually what I receive, because I do know I'm on the right path most of the time. Often the signs are just road signs that show me an easier path than the one I'd mapped out. Because I'm on the move with intent, & I'm open to growth & change, God gives me those guideposts to make the way easier & quicker. Because I listen to Him, I receive many of them. But you only get them if you're already on the move toward what you want to make happen. You won't get them by listening to preachers or friends or searching the Bible or asking God before every move you make.

I've also learned that I don't need a man in my life, & I will never give my personal power away again. I've learned to be content & fulfilled with what I do have in my life. I've also adjusted my expectations & ideas about romantic love & learned myself better. I've begun learning the extent of my personal power & could never give any of that up again. I've learned that I don't like living with anyone else so I don't believe I'd ever get married again. I've learned that I don't want to again commit my life or time or energy to one other person. I've learned that personal freedom means more to me than having the love of any one individual & that the loved ones in my life are more than enough. I've learned that I'm a complete & whole individual who is very loved by others, by God, by the Universe - loved all that I've ever wanted & needed. It's always been there, was only limited by my lack of awareness. If I ever have a mate again, it will have to be a man who enhances my work & energy rather than takes any of it. Someone who gives more than he takes, who aids & assists or has parallel energy & mission. Both times that I was married I became someone other than myself or gave up parts of myself to be in the relationship. I was like a chameleon, & I devoted myself to being what I thought was wanted of me. And of course, I wasn't successful either time, because I wasn't really me. You're in the wrong relationship if you can't be yourself! Now I'm too strongly an individual, too aware of my self as I am, of who I am, to do that. I've grown with the changes.

Personal Power - Part 1 of 2

I've long been a believer in personal power. I used to say I'm not a "women's libber" (boy does that date me!), that I'm a "personal libber." (You have to think back to the 60s & 70s when "Women's Lib" (short for liberation) was a catch phrase. I believed we all have personal power & that all women had to do was assert it. Forget your fears of being called aggressive because assertiveness was usually reserved for men at that time. I felt that we could be assertive without being aggressive. In fact, women are better at that than men are.

Despite believing in my personal power, I felt I needed a man in my life. I felt I was made to love & be in love, to be in relationship & that I was incomplete without that. So I married wrong the first time, married the first guy who actually wanted to marry me. So I spent the 1980s being married, having 2 kids, raising them, being primarily a wife. In 1990 I couldn't live that any more & separated. The 1990s was about raising my kids by myself & dealing with my childhood memories that had finally emerged. That brought about a new understanding & awareness of self & I learned to love myself & be a whole person. But I was lonely & still felt the need for a man to love & be loved by. It wasn't that I was incomplete, but I truly missed the romance, attention, etc. Also, by 1999 I was completely worn out from the emotional work, the custody battles, never enough money, working full time & raising kids. So I entirely traded my personal power just like that to the first man that would have me. I thought I knew him. I'd been part of his family loosely for 30 years, knew all his immediate family very well. I knew how he was raised, adored his mother, sister, brother. But just like the first time, I immediately jumped entirely into a commitment with him - both times in just 6 months. I'd repeated my mistake only more so this time because I gave over all my power to someone who was admittedly controlling! So I see that my belief then in personal power was more words than reality. Any of us can talk a good game. What really counts is our actions & choices.

When our actions are contrary to what we preach, what we claim to believe in, we're being hypocritical & giving a bad name to whatever we say we stand for. I know a man who condemned his college age daughter for living with her boyfriend. He claimed not to believe in living together before marriage. It was pointed out that he lived with his first wife before they got married. He said he'd learned from that & would never do it again. Then he turned around & lived with his second wife before they were married! "Do as I say, not as I do" just doesn't work! People learn by your example, not your words. The daughter went on to marry the guy after they lived together for awhile, & nothing bad happened from living together first, by the way. I think "Sunday Christians" are some of the worst as far as nothing but talk. You know, the kind that quote the Bible at you & go to church every Sunday, then go around spreading malicious gossip about anyone who doesn't do like they claim to do. The time I had the most surprising religious influence on someone was a very dark time in my life that ended in a nervous breakdown. I certainly don't remember ever talking about God, although I did wear my cross necklace every day. About 4 years later I ran into the guy I'd been dating at the time & he told me excitedly about how his life had changed because of me! He said I'd inspired him to serve God. Amazed, I asked how I'd possibly done that & he said it was because of my quiet, unwavering faith! It was something that had simply shown from within me, & I was totally unaware. But something in my actions spoke above all else. Each time I've had the most spiritual impact on someone was when I wasn't trying. God uses us best when we get involved the least, at least as far as most people & preaching goes. Few of us are called to preach & spread our own beliefs. Most of us are called to lead by example.

Just after the turn of the century (doesn't that sound strange) I finally began to truly believe in the power of intention because I saw it in action. It's the personal power each of us has - intention. Once I saw it enough to believe in it, I started using it in a limited capacity. I sweetly & persistently asked for what I wanted. I was friendly, I networked because that's natural to me, & started making things happen. That's exactly what personal power is & it's available to all of us - the power of intent. I don't yet use it effectively in all areas of my life all the time, but I'm learning. One thing to remember - you can only use intent for yourself. You can't cause anyone else to do anything by asserting your will or intent. So when you exercise intent, don't put limits on it by detailing how to get to the outcome you desire, & don't involve specific others. Also, it doesn't work on anything that could harm you or others. And, be patient & stick with it. I wanted all the excess furniture out of my house by the end of August & started posting things on Craigslist. Only one thing sold, so I had to renew the postings each week. Now I'm starting to get responses. It didn't happen in my chosen time frame but my landlord removed my need to have things cleared out by September & things are starting to sell. It's taken intetion, work, & patience but it's happening. I also had to lower my prices, which meant letting go of some of my expectations for the outcome. This is just a minor example, something that won't matter greatly in the long run but matters to me. Someone was talking about Invetro Fertilization & the chances of it working. Often it doesn't work until the 3rd try & most people don't stick with it that long! That's a really big thing to not persist in & work toward! Next post, what I've learned. 

Staying in the Moment, Keeping Your Mind on What You're Doing

In times of great stress I've done some really stupid things because I was so caught up in worry that my mind wasn't going with my actions. I was doing routine things mindlessly. I hope you've never been that upset for a prolonged period like I was. I was enmeshed in the second custody battle within a 5 year period, it lasted for 18 months, & it seemed like every other day I got more nasty mail that my lawyer had to pass on. So I'd go to get the milk out of the refrigerator & find the coffee pot instead. I'd open a cupboard & find the milk. I was so unaware of how out of it I was that it always took me by surprise. Instead of being in the moment, being present in what I was doing, I was so stressed that you could literally say I wasn't in my right mind. I caught myself doing things like that nearly a year ago, just before my marriage ended. But at least I caught myself while doing these things rather than being totally unaware. Most of us don't live under that kind of stress. These are extreme examples. Now to more common behaviors.

Ok, I'm going to assume that most readers are fairly organized people & have a certain place where they put things like purses, glasses, keys, etc. How about those times when you put something down & forget where you put it? Maybe you got distracted while carrying something & set it down, then forgot & left it. I did that the other day with my diabetes monitor. I rushed to the phone while testing, & ended up carrying part of it with me. I forgot it after the call, & later couldn't find it. That's an example of not being in the moment. Eventually I figured out where it was by thinking back to the last time I had it. Of course, that was after looking in all the places I thought possible. My mind had been present in my activity up until the phone rang, so I was finally able to remember being interrupted by the phone. When I went to where I'd had the phone at the time (by the bed for once, because I'd been expecting an important call), there it was. Not too bad, no consequences other than some inconvenience until I figured it out.

A couple of weeks ago I had severe consequences from not being mentally present while I did a routine activity. Because of various health concerns, I take medicines 5 times a day. I have one of those pill boxes set up for a week with 4 times a day & then supplement it with cute little Tupperware (of course) containers. On the day in question I forget what I was thinking about but I can tell you it was nothing important. I think it was simply the next thing I was planning to do. I dumped my morning pills into my hand, which includes a blood pressure pill & one that slows my heart rate. Those are the really important ones for me to take. Two of them fell to the counter, those 2. So I picked them up & took them, plus what was in my hand. As soon as I'd done it I realized that I'd taken 2 each of the blood pressure & heart rate pills. I check the slots & sure enough, one for another day had come open & those 2 were missing. If I'd been just a little more present, I would have realized it before taking double. The only thing I could think to do was make myself spit them back up. Well, that's easier said than done! I spent the next hour trying, including finding a bottle of Ipecac & taking it. I ended up making myself so sick & so sore, & never did get them up! I was sick all day & didn't get anything done, & could barely do anything the next day because my ribs were so sore it hurt to breathe. All because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing while doing it.

I certainly learned my lesson on that one. I'm not going to say that I'm always thinking about what I'm doing 100% of the time, because my mind almost always multitasks. It's the way I'm built. But I can tell you that I've done my best to eliminate worry that keeps me from being present when I do things. I try even harder now to keep my mind on what I'm doing & stay in the moment. When we stay in the moment, we get to enjoy what's going on around us. We're more in touch with ourselves, what we're feeling, our needs, our reactions. We experience more because we're truly experiencing what's happening at the time. Going somewhere else in your mind means you're body is present but your mind isn't. Abuse & rape victims know this well. If you aren't present in your mind with what you're doing & what's going on around you, you're only half there & you're missing out. So try to let the immediate as well as the far future happen & enjoy the present!

Self Environmentalism

As I said, I order my environment to renew my energy rather than drain it. I've taken the time over the years & again recently to get to know my self. I know what I need in order to thrive, & I'm recreating that within my home. I love beauty, old things that are well-made & in the style my grandmother had, cat things, flowers, scents, wind chimes, quiet, sunlight, air. I'm decorating my home with all that in mind. I use the features of the home the best way I can when I arrange furniture & decide what goes on it, always with my personal needs & taste in mind. I love baskets, for example, so I use them all over the house to hold things - kitchen tools, office supplies, magazines, string, etc. Favorite mugs hold rubber bands, pens, scissors, etc. Rather than having a lot of knick knacks around, that have to be dusted, I have things I can use for storage also. My office tape dispenser is a cat lying in position, ready to pounce. Over time I've collected & discarded so that I have many old things that bring me joy rather than things accumulating dust. I set up my home to take best advantage of the sunlight & breezes, the views of trees & wildlife.

Not everyone can or wants to live as I live, but there are some things you should learn from me here. I spend a lot of time in quiet, going within myself. Because of that, I know myself to a degree that has amazed every counselor I've ever had (remember, I had a lot of childhood issues to work out over the years). I've gone through my periods where I always had to have stimuli to avoid thinking & feeling - TV, music, socialization, addiction crutches (for most that's tobacco, drugs, alcohol, sex, or a combination thereof). But that just postpones the inevitable & causes more problems. Until we entirely face ourselves, we repeat mistakes & patterns & fail to truly move forward with our lives. Last night a friend talked about finding God's purpose for her life in the same sentence that she spoke about Him telling her what house she should live in! There's no way you are ready for God's work if you are so out of touch with yourself that you need to ask God what house He wants you to live in! Also, that's a huge lack of understanding of free will, God, the Universe, etc. I'm not saying He doesn't guide us to the home of our dreams. If we ask, He can help us. But first we have to know what we want, establish our intent & dreams. You have to take the time to know yourself & what you want before you can be concerned about what God has for you to do. You also have to know yourself before you're ready to be in close relationship with others, especially a significant other. It adversely affects every relationship you have with yourself, everyone else in the world, God & all creation if you don't truly know & love yourself first. The only way to do that is to cut out the distractions & go within & search yourself. You have to clean house from the inside out. Get to know yourself, face yourself, including what you believe to be the good, bad, & ugly. Work at it until you forgive yourself as needed, truly love yourself, & figure out how to change what YOU earnestly wish to change about yourself. Don't try to change because someone else says something about you. Turn off those messages & figure out what you truly believe & see about you. Remember, Pam & I are finding out that we CAN do all those things we'd been told we couldn't. We're both changing things about ourselves, big time. But we're only doing that with things we've identified to be valid that WE wish to change. I'm losing weight because my tastes are changing & I'm craving healthier choices & am way more active. I have toned areas & flabby spots, but I'm never going to a gym. I don't like that. When I'm ready & no longer have to spend so much of my body on physical tasks to clear out the house, I'll dance around to disco music. I'm selling my beloved exercise bike because it takes up room & I've decided I'd rather dance. I'll also probably finally start doing a little yoga, at home, for the stretching, toning, & meditation. It's not because someone wants me to look good or I ever want to please a man. I want to look good for me & I want to be as fit as those efforts will make me so I'm able to handle the things I wish to do without aches or fatigue.

Another benefit of going within & facing yourself is that you'll find that most of those negative messages that come from others & even from within your head are wrong. Remember, the ones in your head don't really come from you or God if you haven't done the self work, they come from society or our past. When you confront them you get to decide whether they're really valid. You get to forgive yourself for past mistakes & even current situations. You get to learn to love yourself. And then you get to move on to a better way of feeling, dealing with yourself & your life, dealing with others, & living. Once you begin doing the work, it gets easier & easier over time. At first it's slow & painful, seemingly endless. But if you keep at it, it starts going a little faster & less painful, & soon becomes a breeze. It's like first dates vs. when you've been dating for 3-6 months. First dates are awkward, 3 months in things are easier, at 6 months it can seem like you've been together forever. It's that way with getting to know yourself. By 6 months let's say, you "talk" in shorthand with yourself like with any other close & trusted friend. You don't need to work to know what you want or feel, & you feel good about yourself. At that point you've begun to create the life you want for yourself in all aspects. Then, if you wish, you can begin to think about finding out your purpose in life. If you believe God created you for work on earth, that's when you're ready to open to finding out. Remember that God dwells within all of us. You can't know Him if you don't know yourself. If you don't love yourself & know yourself, you're shunning His biggest gift to you. If you haven't taken the time to know yourself, you're practicing the biggest self-deception of all if you talk about seeking His will & purpose in your life. His biggest will & purpose in each of our lives is that we know & love ourselves. Truly. That's it. That's not my opinion, it's something I've read over & over from many different sources & have been directly told by different sources. Years ago a very wise minister told me to quit trying to figure out what God wanted me to do & start just doing, do what I wanted to do. He told me that's actually what God wanted. I have to call him & tell him I finally understand. He also told me I really do know what I believe, that it's all within me & would come forth as faith whenever I really needed it. He told me to quit trying to figure out God & go out & live. Now I'm telling each of you - quit asking God & start asking yourself, unless you're already on the right course & asking yourself first. I don't ask God much of anything ever. I converse with Him instead. I share when I'm feeling stuck or wanting more of something in my life, like the creative flow or spiritual awakening. He answers with the idea in my head of how I can make that happen, to which I answer something like "duh" because I did know that. I'm working every day to honor the gift of my self & my life that He's given me. I do that by knowing & nurturing my thoughts, feelings, body, spirit. It's worth the work & the rewards are beyond measure.

Being a Wholistic Environmentalist - Next to Last Part, I Think

I don't recycle. I live out in the country, where we don't have pick up or facilities. We pay per bag for trash pick up. Most people burn theirs, give table scraps to the dogs, throw vegetable scraps into the field for the cows or into woods for the wild animals. Yet I consider myself a wholistic environmentalist. I take care of the animals in the best ways I can, have as little negative impact on the earth as I can, nurture it when I can.

We are each part of the whole universe, the animals, plants, trees, each other. We are all energy, all connected by Life Force Energy which flows through all of us. I bring my gentleness & my healing spirit, plus Reiki energy, into my dealings with others & all creation. I coexist here with the wild animals, birds, bugs, plant life. Because of my gentle spirit, I get to commune with them. I'm  quiet usually, & that & my spirit attracts them. Wild animals come into the yard & onto my porch, butterflies & lightning bugs lite on me, a hummingbird comes to hover over my head. Usually I speak softly to the wild animals to let them know I'm there so they don't come too close by accident, & we share a moment. Each morning these days I thank God for another day in paradise, because that's where I live. My front yard is full of trees, shade, birds, chipmunks & squirrels. We've had September-like weather all month! Gentle breezes, cool days & cooler nights, perfect for sitting outside, for sleeping. I'm a very quiet person, it turns out. I seldom have TV or music going. I love to listen to the trees responding to the breezes (one of my favorite sounds on earth), the birds, bugs, animals, my wind chimes. One of my favorite sensations is the breeze on my skin. I'm a sensualist, so I drink in that feeling, & scents & nature sounds. It renews me every day. I'm one with my surrounding environment now. I have kitty grass inside the house, & catnip when it grows up enough to survive their croppings. Outside I have lavender, rosemary, tomatoes, snapdragons that I love to snap, basils, other herbs & pretty plants, & I enjoy the beauty of them all. That's being a true environmentalist.

I'm also a true recycler. My grandparents (read parents even though they didn't raise me) were farmers & knew how to make the most of everything. Grandma was very creative & also took ideas from magazines. She made used things into other things & I do the same. She saved lots of things for reuse - string, paper, greeting cards, cloth. I can remember her taking a half slip with stretched out elastic & sewing it to one of those little bed jackets (comes down to the ribs or waist, a bow at the top) to make dress up clothes for my cousins & me. We felt so elegant. She gave us her old hats, purses, empty make up containers, dresses & shoes to play with also. They were our favorite playthings. She cut up old dresses & sewed them into doll clothes for me. I learned all that from her & I apply it to my life. I have old sheets to make into rag rugs, for example. I love using old things in new creations even more than creating from scratch or store-bought supplies. We both love(d) making interesting & mismatched glass items into candles. Like Grandma, I save useful things & eventually use them. We're different from my mother, the hoarder. Like Grandma, when I get an idea, I go to where I keep these things (tidy, put away) & find I already have something that will work, that I've carefully taken care for & saved. Things I won't use go to Goodwill.

I'm also an environmentalist when it comes to my home. I'm creating comfort, beauty, order & cleanliness, an environment where I can thrive. Nothing is new but everything is well cared for. When I can, I repair things as soon as they need it rather than wait for them to go beyond the point of repair. I'm creative in my approach & often use some of the things I've saved. I try to clean & repair as I go along - take a few minutes when I see a need - so that these things don't pile up on me & become a burden, an energy drain. I carefully protect my energy & order my home environment to refuel me rather than be a drain. That's the intent of all my efforts here. More on that tomorrow.

Reclaiming My Self

I have been working lately to reclaim my sense of self, without quite realizing it. I've been moving heavy furniture without help whenever possible so I can clear out the things that had belonged to my husband & his family. I want everything out that isn't of me & my taste. I'm reclaiming my space. Moving the things on my own is important to me because I have a great need to be as self-reliant as possible, to do all I can without help. I believe that comes from all the years that I was told how I'm nothing without - - - - fill in the blanks. First it was my mother, to a small degree my first husband (that wasn't his fault though, it was unintentional on his part), then to a huge degree & quite on purpose it was the message of my second husband. Also, my beloved grandparents, who were both parents & grandparents to me, were very hard workers. They've passed on but I know they watch over me, & I want to make them proud. I want to make my children proud, make myself proud. One thing I'm proud of myself about is that I recognize things that are simply beyond me. Only for a second did I try to lift the very heavy TV, verified it was too heavy, & entirely gave up. I am so learning patience these days! But I'm also being clever about getting help. The guys who delivered my new mattress & box spring (I sold the king size Tempurpedic from the marriage) were kind enough to lift the TV for me & place it on a stand. They even moved a heavy dresser out from under it, which I actually could have done. When I sold the grandfather clock, the guy who bought it helped me move that & a lighter dresser out of my living room into a convenient place until it sells. So I haven't had to ask my neighbors for help yet.

I've had something to prove to myself as a result of the choices I made in 2000 - mid 2010, the years I spent with my ex. When we split I felt dirty & tainted, like an accomplice to his crimes. Although I wasn't, I made a series of choices that led to self-harm & I was again an enabler, which unwittingly opened the door for his crimes. That's a lot to face & live down. No one close to me blamed me except me, by the way, & they've all been supportive. Even, to his credit, my first ex husband! These days I proudly acknowledge the work I'm doing to reclaim my self, my life, my space. I'm proud of what I'm able to do to help others, either through Reiki or my knowledge of herbs, essential oils, cats, people, etc. I'm proud of all the healing & internal work I'm doing, the emotional & mental work. And I'm proud of the way I'm giving to myself. One of the things I'm doing is clearing & setting up my space room by room, including cleaning, & keeping it that way. I bought I nice bed set at a great price - a comforter to use as a bedspread & shams - & I'm making my bed every day (something I never considered important before). I've decided I'm worth it. I like not being distracted by a house that isn't clean. Before, I liked to keep things put away so I could find them again, & take care of them so they'd stay good, but never wanted to take up time with cleaning if I didn't have to.

I'm back to being excited about every little thing in my life. It makes me feel so good to walk in my bedroom & see my grandparent's bedroom set with my favorite things on it. I love seeing the bed especially, since my ex broke it & said we'd have to hire someone to fix it. I fixed it & put it together myself. It's handsomely covered with my new zebra striped set. It doesn't go with the rest of the room but it suits me. He was over sized & had to have more & bigger. I'm shrinking back to my undersized self & like small & cozy, so that's part of my reclamation. Today I actually drove home from Pittsburgh (1 hour, 45 minutes) with a student-sized cherry desk on top of my Honda Civic. It's gorgeous & the guy was selling it for very little! He loaded it on top of the car & strapped it down, but I got it off the top of my car all by myself & carried it in. Not bad for a little woman who's 55 & doesn't work out! I'm selling the 2 big office desk sets we got for a failed business. They're heavy, take up a lot of space, & have memories. I'll also get more for the desk set (just as I did for the bed) than I've had to pay for what I wanted in replacement. That makes me feel very clever. The cherry desk is just my style & with persistence I made it happen.  I'd tried buying it every time it appeared on Craigslist for 2 weeks, never got a reply. Finally I tried cutting & pasting the address directly into my email service rather than sending through Craigslist & got an immediate reply. Turns out he never got any of my other emails about wanting to buy it. I wanted it from the moment I saw the photo. It's one of the things I've been talking about with patience lessons these days. (I'm also learning better ways to work with Craigslist!) I'm not sure there's a message in this blog, as there usually is. I felt like writing it, so there's probably something for you here. So take what "speaks" to you & figure out why, what brings about an emotional response or causes you to think. Maybe you have some reclaiming to do, too.

I now have to acknowledge the 2 most powerful, beautiful, strong, independent, courageous women I know - Pam & myself. For all the support, love, & understanding given to us by our friends & family, only she & I know all we've faced & gone through. 12 months ago she & 10 months ago I stepped away from destructive men who would have eventually killed us one way or another (she just reminded me that I also saved the life of my mother). She'd become very ill from the energy drain & domination of her husband & in some ways, so had I. Despite that & our ages (I'm 55, she's a few years older) we've gone on to use our brains & some brawn, & have done many things we didn't feel capable of, had been told we couldn't do. Plus we've both chosen a spiritual path of giving to & healing others & ourselves. We've grown & changed so much over the past year! We've refused to stay stuck, to try to go back to old ways, to be defeated, to repeat old patterns & mistakes. We've done all the hard work of facing ourselves & how we got into those situations, & what we needed to do to change & move on. We're both in the process of reclaiming & rewriting our lives. No less to our credit, we've done it together. With all my heart I love you, Pam. I don't want to imagine what the journey would have been like without you. Folks, the truly funny thing about all this is, we've never even set eyes on each other! We live across the country from each other, "met" on Facebook through a game, have done all this just by phone, email, & IM. Now, I know I just "tooted" my own horn but honestly, after all the years of being put down by the authorities in my life, sometimes that's just plain necessary.

Entrusted to Our Care - Includes Great Recipe & a Story

We are each also entrusted with the care of our bodies. Most of us don't take that trust very seriously. We abuse our bodies by over-eating, under-watering, tobacco use or alcohol abuse, pot, or more serious drugs, or sex. We over-exercise or under-exercise. We get face lifts or other cosmetic surgery, use all kinds of chemicals to overcome the things we don't like about ourselves. Few of us truly take care of the body we've been entrusted with & we suffer now or later. I know a guy who's 47 who has used pot for years to handle life & now has decided to quit using chemical crutches. He now has to cope with going without his crutch & learn to handle feelings & life in a new manner. The longer we've been at it the harder it is to make the changes. I used to abuse over the counter ibuprofen & sodium naproxin. I'm not sure why I had so much back & knee pain, headaches, etc. This was while I was with the man I just divorced, so that may explain a lot. Eventually I read about CoQ10 & now take 100 mg twice a day (because when I read about it, I also read that it's better for absorption than taking 200 mg at once). Now my knees no longer hurt. It's a very healthy supplement - supplements generally supply something our bodies make but in lesser amounts as we get older, & without side effects. Anyway, I started to develop an ulcer from the pain killers, which also led to iron deficiency. They really do mean those warnings on the bottle. I quit using them & now seldom can even when I really need them, like when I get hurt. We often abuse ourselves with legal, easy to obtain things.

Anything we do to excess or neglect is going to cause problems at some point, because our bodies aren't equipped for long-term abuse & neglect. Right now I'm seeing signs of dehydration, which means I've again been neglecting my liquid intake over a period of time. Our bodies are 70% water & all functions of it need water to work smoothly. So today I'm taking the hint & stepping my intake back up. Too much liquid intake can also cause a problem, by the way. Most of us tend toward too little though.

What we need to do is truly love, honor, & care for our bodies. Most of us change the oil in our cars regularly, clean the kitchen, mow the lawn, etc. We give more regularly attention & care to the things we own than to our selves. We need to understand that our bodies are finely tuned instruments just like a grand piano, fine violin, race car engine, etc. Just as we listen when an instrument gets out of tune or the car sounds different, we need to listen to our bodies. Better yet, be proactive & take good care of all these instruments before they have to tell us something's wrong. I'm talking to myself here too. I'm getting better about it, but still have a long way to go. For example, I haven't had any alcohol since I wrote the tea party blog. So I see I'm truly not an alcoholic as writing about it made me wonder. I simply carry the genes, the tendency. I haven't sworn off alcohol entirely, by the way. I would have a few glasses of wine with a fine dinner on a date, or a drink with a friend. I'm simply not going to use alcohol again as an out or a way to get to sleep. Instead, I corrected the sleep problem, which is proper handling. I identified what was wrong - my bed & my room, & corrected them. I hadn't changed the room enough since I shared it with my ex. It was full of things from our life together, including our bed. I sold the bed & got exactly what I wanted, changed the furnishings & decorations, made it all mine. Now I sleep better than I have in many years. A final word on alcohol - cooking with it doesn't count, because the alcohol cooks off. Adding it in the end does, like pouring sherry into pea soup (a French or German custom). However, only those who are entirely intolerant of alcohol would need to worry about the small portion used at that point. Many things, from ice cream to alcohol, are ok in moderation & on occasion, unless you have a specific problem or health issue. Yet even diabetics can eat ice cream in moderation & on occasion.

Now to the recipe & story. I can't find the recipe so this is from years of experience, but not recent. I seldom eat red meat any more. For this you definitely need a splatter screen or you're going to have a lot of clean up afterwards. I coat the bottom of my largest non-stick skillet with melted butter (not margarine), then pan fry uncoated cube steaks on medium high heat. They cook pretty quickly, just a few minutes each side, & you might want to try half butter, half olive oil. I've been watching the cooking channel since I last made this. Use the splatter screen while cooking the meat. Once the meat is done, remove it to a platter & cover it with a lid to keep warm. While the meat is cooking, slice 1-2 bunches of spring onions, depending on taste & # of steaks. Once you remove the steaks, add the onions to the butter & pan drippings, adding more butter if needed. Saute until soft, then add 1/4 - 1/2 cup of sherry. I use the cheapest sweet or dry sherry the liquor store has - just don't use cream sherry. I don't use cooking sherry from the grocery because that has less flavor & a lot of sodium. If you use that, don't add salt. I use the sherry to deglaze the pan, & scrape up all the drippings in the pan. Add a little salt & pepper to taste & reduce the glaze. I use 2 bunches of onions & around 1/2 cup of sherry so that I have enough, after reduction, to pour over the top of all the steaks, as that's what has the real flavor. I serve this with rice pilaf & a vegetable. It's easy & quick, delicious, so I used to make it a lot when my kids were little. One day after serving it, my son was taught about alcohol being a drug in elementary school. So of course he told his teacher & the class that his mommy cooked him steak with drugs the night before! Then, of course he came home & told me about it at the dinner table. He trusted me, loves the dish, so to him it was kind of an amazement thing rather than being upset by it. I hadn't thought about it until then, had to explain that cooking took all the alcohol out of the sauce & just left the flavor. Still, the kids got a big kick out of "Mommy cooking with drugs" every time I made this afterwards. Fortunately, I never did hear from the school on that one! I was kind of surprised I didn't get a phone call, but I guess the teacher was more savvy than that, probably an inventive cook herself.

Cat Care - Part 2

I have a contented family of quirky cats. All cats are quirky, I think. They're all individuals with different personalities & with a cat you basically get what you put out to them. I provide what they need to be happy - a variety of toys, heights, places to sleep, well placed litter boxes, food, & water. Some of their favorite "toys" are used wrapping paper to lie on or hide under (as long as their heads are covered they think they're hidden & it's hilarious), boxes to lie in (also quite funny - positions & big cats stuffing into small boxes), boxes to play in (I cut holes so they can grab at each other or toys through them), & a few store-bought. With store-bought toys, the simpler the better. They love those little realistic mice & catnip filled plushes.

When my cats want attention I give it to them. If possible, I stop whatever I'm doing for those few minutes. Because I do that, that's all they need. It gives a nice pace to my life, makes me take a break from seriousness & take a moment to relax. There's little that's more relaxing on a regular basis than petting a cat & listening to the purr. When I walk through a room where they are, I speak to them or give a quick pet on the head in passing.

I've paid attention to the likes & habits of each of my cats. I know who likes to be petted how, & how much. I just heard of someone who grabs her cat & holds him even when he doesn't want it. The cat loves her but is also afraid of her, & she wonders why he's peeing on the dining room table! I only forcibly hold a cat if I have to trim claws or do home vet work. Most people don't have the training to do home vet work, by the way. Please don't unless you know exactly what you're doing & are calm enough to CALMLY restrain the cat & do it. Holding a cat firmly by the scruff of the neck (back of the neck) is the proper way to restrain him, ONLY with the cat's feet firmly on your lap, a chair, floor, etc. This can, however, be back feet only. Never pick a cat up by the scruff! Always support the body or at least the back feet. If you want a good relationship with your cat, learn his/her likes & dislikes & respect them. Also, "talk" their language. When he looks you in the eye, slowly lower your eyelids, partially open, close & open - all slowly. Partially open & closed is the closest to what they do. That's cat for "you're safe, I trust you, I won't hurt you, I love you," etc. By the way, if a cat is meowing, trilling, or other vocalizations, he's trying to talk your language. Otherwise, they aren't verbal. Amongst themselves, they communicate primarily with body language - direct eye contact is confrontation, they also use body (puffed up, or lying on the back is submissive), & tail, ear & whisker position. The can also growl at each other, hiss, & purr. All other is directed at us.

If you take on a feral, stray, or shelter cat, you have to be especially patient & watch their cues. You can smooth the way to a great relationship or further ruin the cat by how you handle her. I again have to say that you get out of a cat whatever you put in. A man was telling me about rescuing a street cat & waiting him out as far as any approach. He spoke gently to him always & respected the boundaries the cat was setting with his hissing, etc. Eventually the cat trusted him & became a grateful & beloved pet. A woman was telling me about how she was so eager to pet the cat she'd taken in that she made him sit on her lap & be held & petted. After that he acted more scared of her than before. Of course he did! You should never force yourself on any animal, least of all a cat. I took in 2 sisters last November. They loved me from the start but startled easily & hid when anyone came. One also didn't want her back or head petted at all. Turns out that one had a spinal injury & touching her head or anywhere near there on her back caused pain. I've always been quiet & gentle with these girls, never forced myself on them. I've taken my cues from them regarding how they wanted contact with me & when. Now that the injured one has healed, she's fine with all petting. Still, I never touch her when she's not looking at me. She startles if I touch her when she's asleep or not paying attention to me. They are very happy & affectionate, & much less disturbed when someone comes into the house because I've never given them cause to fear. They feel safe with me & in my care. They were entrusted into my care, as all our pets are. I chose to keep them. I've taken that responsibility seriously & nurtured them. It's been no work, only a matter of caring & paying attention. I've let them come to me. That's my approach with all my cats. If you let cats seek you on their terms, you'll be rewarded. When you rescue or adopt a cat in need, you get so much more than you give. When you see them become happy, loving individuals, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world. And they end up enriching your life even more than you've enriched theirs. Truly!

Entrusted into Our Care - How to Avoid All Cat Behavior Problems - Part 1

Kittens should ideally stay with their mother & siblings for 8-10 weeks. Cats who knead us & suck on things (especially the sucking behavior) are usually those who haven't. All you can do with them is redirect, give them safe things to suck on. I have cats who knead me & I handle them all differently. One loves to knead my neck so I put my hand in her way & she gives up. With another, I make sure I have a blanket between myself & him. The mother cat teaches them to trim their own claws, groom, use the litter box & cover. She & the siblings teach the kitten how to play gently.

The #1 behavior problems people have with cats is clawing things & not using the litter box. Both are behaviors that are easy to solve it you do it from the start. Don't get a cat if you aren't going to teach it where to claw. Cats need both horizontal & tall vertical things to claw. One of the great horizontal things I've provided is what I call the doughnut toy, & it's a favorite of all cats. The center is a replaceable coil of corrugated cardboard to claw. Walmart used to carry them but I haven't been able to find it there recently. Refills come in a set of 2 & are inexpensive, I find them at the major pet store chains now. The outer part is a ring that has a ball in it, & an outer rim so the ball stays in. They also love to bat the ball & watch it. I have a short, sisal wrapped post on a carpeted square & a tall carpeted cat tree. Cats need something tall because it's how they stretch their muscles as well as hone their claws. They also love to be high up, so a carpeted or sisal covered cat tree gives them all 3 in one. If you provide your cat with proper places to scratch, it's very easy to train them not to scratch your furniture. If you catch them scratching furniture, simply disengage the claws by gently pulling their paws upward. Pulling down will only catch the claws further. Then take the cat to what you've provided & place their front paws on it. If you really need to, you can also keep a squirt bottle full of plain water handy & squirt the cat while firmly saying no. However, redirection by taking the cat to the proper place works better. I only ever use 3 forms of discipline with cats - my voice, redirection, & a squirt bottle. Mostly I use my voice & I so seldom ever have to use the squirt bottle. Usually after the first time I use it for a behavior (usually aggression between cats or trying to dart out a door), all I have to do is pick up the bottle & act like I'm going to squirt. Soon, I can put the bottle away. I have 6 cats & I don't have behavior problems with them. None of my furniture is clawed except an ottoman I let them have. All my furniture has fabrics that are tempting to a cat but they don't claw it. A note about carpeted cat items - check them frequently for plastic strings sticking out. The backings are grids of plastic string. When cats claw the fibers eventually come out & the strings are exposes. If you don't pull or cut them out, the cat can catch them in her claws & ingest them when pulling them off. They aren't digestible so the cat can end up with a blockage in the throat or intestines. I've seen it happen once. Now I take care of those strings when I see them. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing to have in your home, only something to be aware of & take care of occasionally. There's never a good reason to declaw a cat. If you take one on, it's up to you to train him. If redirection isn't working immediately, you can also simply rub catnip on the scratching piece you've provided. Most cats love catnip & that will attract them more than your furniture. I rub every new scratching item with catnip when I first bring it home, just to add to the attraction & establish why it's there.

When a cat quits using the litter box there's always a reason. Often the cause is illness or old age. Cats mask illness so you don't necessarily notice problems coming on until the cat shows it in a drastic way. If your cat doesn't use the box one time, first think about his recent behavior. Is he eating less or lethargic? Chances are he's sick. With cats you have to be alert for any real changes in behavior, like activity level, amount eaten or water consumption over a period of time - a few days to a week. They all go through an ocassional off day though, so do keep that in mind too. Older cats may need to have a shorter litter box or have the box moved to a more accessible location. My boxes are down a steep flight of stairs, & my oldest is 11. Right now it's great because he gets most of his exercise on those stairs. Once that becomes difficult for him, I need to put at least one box upstairs. I have taller & shorter ones & he already prefers the shorter ones.

Box placement is very important too. They don't like them in busy places, or too enclosed if you have multiple cats. With multiples, one cat can dominate the box location & another doesn't then feel safe using the box. You truly should have 1 box for every cat you have plus 1. If you don't want to do that, don't have the cats! It really is that simple. I scoop every other day with that # of boxes. If I do it every day I have to work too hard to get just a little out of each box. If someone quits using the boxes, the first thing I'd do is start scooping every day. I'd also watch for other causes, like another cat coming around outside, illness, etc. Sometimes a cat will signal an illness by not using the box. Otherwise it's usually a statement of discontent about something in the household - you're moving, redecorating, added an unwanted person or new animal. Cats actually understand what's going on & before making major changes, the best thing is to tell them about it. Tell them what & why & that you'll make sure things are good for them too in the changes. Even if you don't believe me, try it. It can't hurt! One thing cats don't do is go outside the litter box out of spite. It's always to tell you something or out of fear or inability to get to it due to illness or aggression. We've all heard of cats that go in the shoes of the new boyfriend, & it turns out he's already married or a cheater or abuser. A cat not using the box is always ill or conflicted in some way! It's up to us to find out why & fix it. More information in the next post.

Entrusted into Our Care - Our Pets, part 1

We've all seen or done those science experiments with our kids where you take 3 plants & give equal care as far as soil, water, sunlight. One is the control, that's all you do. To one you yell at & talk meanly every day & you talk sweetly & encouragingly to the other. The results are always the same - the control plant grows, the one you talk meanly to fails to thrive, & the one you talk sweetly to flourishes more than the control plant. Yet plants don't have brains & therefore don't have emotions. Pets have both!

When you take on a pet you take on more responsibility than to just feed & water. Depending on the sophistication of the pet, you have more or less additional responsibility. With dogs you have to give them exercise & a way to potty outdoors, for example. Cats need litter boxes & they need to be scooped! I know people who scoop them infrequently. Go into parts of their home & you know they have cats from the smell. Yuck! The cats don't like it that way either, people! Then they wonder why the cats don't always use the litter box, blame the cat, sometimes get rid of it.

The number one cause of pet behavior problems is PEOPLE!!! I'll say it again - the #1 cause of pet behavior problems is PEOPLE! ALL pet behavior problems. If you play roughly with a kitten or puppy, the animal will play rough with you when it's bigger & they're more apt to hurt you. I once had a 100 lb dog - part Shepherd, part Golden Retriever, part Irish Setter. He had the wolf-like Shepherd head only with ears that hung down, & looked quite fierce. People were afraid of him on sight, especially when he'd bark & charge the fence (99.9% of the time he charged in greeting, not warning). He was a great watch dog & would have killed for me. Otherwise, he was the sweetest, most gentle giant. Once he charged the fence, where a mommy had dropped a baby squirrel in fright, on her way moving him from nest to nest. I yelled the dog's name several times (not meanly, but firmly - huge difference, & you can yell at an animal to get his attention or be heard from a distance - the only proper use of yelling at animals or kids, then it's actually calling, not yelling) & he stopped just short of the fence. But it turns out all he wanted to do was see what it was. He was just curious. He was very obedient but if he'd honestly wanted to eat that little animal, I couldn't have stopped him, especially not by just getting his attention, calling his name. I also once saw him go nose to nose with an adult opossum on the fence. Apparently they were already acquainted because the opossum wasn't at all afraid of him. When he was a puppy, every time I'd go to pet him he'd roll onto his back & attack my hand with his teeth & claws. I'd extract my hand & tell him no, nicely but firmly, & walk away. Eventually he quit, & I was able to pet him from then on. He learned to be a gentle dog because I was always gentle with him & we never let him engage in rough play with any of us. We never had behavioral issues with him because I took him to dog obedience school when he was about half grown. I knew he was going to be big & that I had to learn how to sound commanding, had to be established as the authority figure with him before he got too big. It was a great experience because I learned to sound commanding, not harsh or sharp. Many women sound sharp & nasty when they mean to sound commanding & firm, especially the women in my family. Also, I entirely tend to be a mush, & knew I had to learn commanding behavior in order to handle this dog well. The funny thing is, my son was about 2 at the time & I'd come home & find myself using the verbal commands on him. I'd tell him to "sit," "stay," etc. Boy did he listen to the tone! It works - firm & commanding when you mean it, & there's nothing nasty about it. People would notice & say I sounded like I was commanding a dog but remember, this was my only learning on how to sound firm without sounding harsh. We'd just laugh about it, & later would say that he & the dog were puppies together. They really were! They were best friends forever, the same size for a lot of the time, got around on all 4s together for quite awhile too.

When you take on a pet, make it a responsible decision. Know what you're doing, what kind of care is really needed. Hamsters need a secure cage or tall aquarium so they can't get out because they're great at doing that. They're minimal care but you truly have to clean their cages regularly or they get sick. There's nothing they can do about a dirty cage. You wouldn't live lying in your own filth so don't do it to an animal. Also, they only live about a year or so. Make sure you & the kids can live with that. Don't get a dog if you're going to tie him up outside all the time. If you have to have a dog outside for more than a few minutes at a time, make sure he has shade, shelter, & water. I can't tell you how many dogs I see chained up outside in the sun without water, day after day after day... Breaks my heart. I'd like to do that to the people for a week! Just for a week, treat them the way they treat the dogs. I've had angora rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, mice, dogs, & cats. I can tell you the care needed for each to do well, because I made sure I learned all I could. I haven't always been the best caretaker but I've learned from my mistakes. There are also pets I've wanted to take on that I haven't or wouldn't again, because of that learning. Part of being responsible is taking the animal into consideration more than your want. Tomorrow, cats.

Entrusted to Our Care - Part I

If you believe in the Bible fairly literally, you'll read that when God made everything, including man, He entrusted the rest of creation into our care, gave us stewardship of the earth, plants, animals, each other. He created adults to be responsible, rather than creating us as children. The first people were then also given children. As stewards, we aren't to use or exploit when we utilize. That's a misuse of God's gift. Every time we misuse or abuse in any way, we are dishonoring God's gift to us - whether it's our own bodies, resources, animals, or people. It's especially horrible when we do it to the innocents that breathe, those who have been entrusted into our personal care.

I wish I'd had my children when I was in my mid-30s or older. That would be after I'd gained some wisdom & understanding, had become more gentle, had learned better control, & confronted my own childhood demons. I thought, as most parents do, that raising my children was about molding them, teaching them. In truth, our job is to nurture & guide them, then protect them as much as possible. There's so much to protect them from, including themselves. Kids are rash, inquisitive, don't have the "internal no" developed yet. Stewardship is often about providing that "no." But it's also saying "yes" whenever you can, even if it creates inconvenience for you. As parents we end up feeling so burdened by all we think is important that "no" is our first response to almost everything.

We don't need to be training our children, we need to set the rules, then lead by example. We need to teach our children, not train them. There's a whole difference in attitude there, subtle but important. You can correct without harm, as long as you stay patient. I know that's not easy & I can't tell you how many mistakes I made with my own kids. I wish I could have concentrated on what was really important & let the rest go. I wish I hadn't been controlling because I felt that rest of my life was so out of control & unhappy. I tried to control them instead of identifying what was really wrong & controlling what I could, letting go of the rest. When we're young, during our child-bearing & raising years, we tend to concentrate on our jobs/careers, our home & property, acquiring things, providing outside activities for our kids, etc. Some of those outside activities are important, as are a steady source of income & providing a safe & clean environment, but most of what we set our care on is not really important. I believe we need to provide opportunities for our children to experience a variety of things & interests, to test out what they like & don't, decide what's of them & what isn't. That's often in outside activities like sports, music, museums, camping, scouting, etc.

The most important thing you can teach your child is unconditional love. When they receive it, they naturally give it. You need to establish that you are a safe haven & establish communication (which is two-way, not you talking & them listening). You need to set boundaries for them & teach them to establish their own. You need to teach them self-respect & through that, respect for others. From you they need to learn to know & be themselves, to trust themselves. All that is done even more by example rather than anything you say, but of course the words help them identify with the actions. My goals for my children were simple. They had nothing to do with business achievement & everything to do with what kind of people they became as adults. I wanted them to be deeply caring of others, true givers of the heart - honest adults willing to take responsibility for themselves & their lives. I wanted them to grow to live by my golden rule of cause & effect - that every word & action creates a reaction in kind so take care with what you put out there. I wanted them to make a positive impact on others. Despite my many mistakes, I must have done a lot right too because that's exactly what I've gotten. Both my kids are still only in their 20s, but they've already made me so very proud of who they are. They have huge hearts for animals & others, are very deeply loving individuals. They are deep nurturers, give hugely of themselves, & they're very expressive in their love, not afraid to show it, give it. Those were my goals for them, if I got my greatest wish, & what in my best of times I tried to teach. They absorbed that, internalized it, & made it their own. Hopefully they didn't also absorb too much of the negative & internalize that. Certainly they inherited enough other problems from me - from terrible PMS to hammer toes! (I won't tell you who has what, but I will say as far as I know, my son has no problems with PMS. Although all women know that all young men go through their days of mood swings too!) Part 2 tomorrow.

Magic Words

"Please" & "thank you" are the most common ones, but are often neglected. They transform - without them, you're issuing orders. With them, you're giving the gift of choice even if you're sure the other person will do it (or you're the boss).

"How can I help you today" or "what can I do for you today" (or "right now," or "to help you with this") spoken to a friend or loved one are even more magical. A friend told me that her father used to ask her what he could do for her that day, every single day. What an immeasurably huge gift! That so goes along with that golden rule of doing what someone wants done for them rather than what you would want done for you. That one sentence speaks volumes about the quality of the love being given. If we asked our spouses that every day, the divorce rate would go way down. If we asked our children that every day, the amount of cooperation, love, & respect we get as parents would soar. If we asked our friends that... Those words concentrate your attention & intent entirely on the other person, which is what pure, unconditional love is about. Now, I don't need to ask my BFF this because she's very good about communicating with me & I interpret her needs well. Our conversations are how we do for each other. Yet it's still a great thing to do because it concentrates & verbalizes the intent. We should never assume we don't need to say the words. If nothing else, we do, because everyone hears too many of the other kinds of words every day, receives the other kinds of messages. My BFF passed on a good idea for daily practice about that just last night. She knows of someone who starts each day asking that anything not of her or her energy field leave her now. She also does this when something disturbs her energy or mood during the day, like a store clerk or someone in line who's nasty, arguing, etc. Since we're all bombarded daily, it's a very good practice.

Another set of magic words are: "I'm sorry," "I was wrong," & "but." "I'm sorry" is a very healing thing to say. You are acknowledging the self of the other person. It acknowledges that you know you hurt him/her. (Anger is a form of hurt, also.) Those 2 words work wonders for another. "I was wrong" usually goes along with it but is a separate, important statement. With those words you humble yourself before another. This puts you more on an even level, keeps you from being too full of yourself. Parents should even do this with children. It doesn't bring you down as an authority figure - in fact, it gains you more respect & sets a wonderful example. A parent who can admit to being wrong is more likely to be listened to with respect the next time. Without those 2 sets of words, you eventually lose the respect & then the love. The man I recently divorced for stealing my mother's life savings would lost our marriage eventually anyway, in large part because of his lack of ability to say either of those things. I was his 3rd failed marriage, by the way. He used to viciously attack me verbally & never say he was sorry or was wrong. Instead, a few days to a few weeks later, he'd start a conversation about what had happened & indicate that he hadn't been very nice. That would tell me that he had been listening to me or aware of how he'd hurt me. It also gave me the opportunity, without the heat of the moment, to reinforce the harm done. Yet he never said he was sorry, or that he was wrong. I had to be satisfied with what I got. It eroded our relationship to the point that I lost all respect for him as a partner & spouse. I quit working on our relationship about 7 years into it. (I have a lot of will to make even bad things work, which isn't always a good thing.) It was no longer worth it to me, since I was the one doing all the work. Oh, he'd met me part way for awhile, but the inability to say those words told me volumes about him. He'd never be a real man, never change from someone who put himself above me. I basically quit giving my point of view, trying to improve things, just took the abuse & noted to myself another nail in the coffin for our relationship. That's exactly what we all do with those types of people. It's never too late to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong," although of course the sooner the better. About 20 years later, I felt the need to say it to my daughter about something I said that really hurt her. We've covered it before, on our big weekend of clearing the air about 10 years ago, but I still felt the need to say it. At the time I didn't realize how wrong I was, & the incident came to mind the other day. This time, I finally saw just how wrong I was, so I called her right then to tell her - for no other reason. I didn't end up telling her during that call. Turns out she was having a really bad day, was very stressed out, mostly by work (remember, she's a social worker). Instead, this time I asked her what I can do for her, & told her I'd do Reiki on her since she didn't think of anything to ask me to do to help. (Remember, "what can I do for you" is all about them. First you give them the opportunity to tell you. If they don't think of anything, then you can suggest something.) She was grateful, & I saved what I had to say for 2 days, until a better moment for her to receive the apology. Again, remember it's all about them, not about clearing your conscious. It's just not about you! Saying the words now brought her further healing. (Perhaps the time ended up to be a very good time & that's why I finally figured out how wrong I was when I did. It involved an incident with a cat she loved very much & her beloved oldest cat is now very sick.) Because I love her, & because she's the daughter intrusted into my care (another subject for another day), I have made the opportunity to do it. Now, "but" is the final word, & you don't ever want to employ that magic when you say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong." Nothing good can then follow the word "but." That is a word of excuse. "But you made me so mad," "but I wasn't feeling well," whatever follows, negates the apology! You can follow an apology with an explanation ONLY IF it removes blame from the other person. "It wasn't you I was really mad at, I'd had a really bad day." A good follow up at this point would be something like, "You didn't deserve that." Now you can even excuse yourself some if you truly feel the need - "You know I don't normally act that way" (only if that's really true) & if you do that, you'd better add back in something like, "I'm really, truly very sorry." It's the closest thing to unsaying words that's possible, to totally own up to being wrong & sorry. You can't entirely undo harsh words no matter what. Once you say them, you have no control over the impact. But with magic words, you can at least try to make it better, & show that you truly do care about the feelings of, respect the other person.

Standing in Your Truth - Part 2

As I said yesterday, it's about more than religious beliefs, it's about all your beliefs & all you are. It's often hard to stand firm in the face of the rest of the world. An example is my living situation. I have 6 cats, no job, & will need to relocate at some point. To further complicate things, my credit score works against me if you check it - prospective employers & landlords do usually, as would any mortgage lender. Every common-sense message is to give away cats & get a regular job. A friend who knows about all this again just offered me low cost rent if I would give away 4 of my cats, & again made a suggestion about a job in banking where he works. When I told my daughter about it, & that I had to do some thinking on the subject of giving away cats, she said, "Talk about Sophie's Choice!" I remember her exact words because it was a very special moment. It further cemented an already cemented bond, but every time she mirrors my soul it bonds us further, brings our spirits & hearts even closer. Because I'd journaled those exact same words the night before! I wasn't truly considering giving away my cats, I was explaining it to myself once & for all, settling my heart & mind on the subject. It's not that I'm a cat person or a cat lover or like I wanted to have 6 cats. It's all about who I am, what I am. I'm a kitty mommy, for one thing. You don't tell a mother of 6 she has to find home for 4 of her children. I'm also meant to work with cats. As part of that, the last 2 who came to me were abused & dumped. I have nurtured & healed them. One of them came to me with a spinal injury that affected her ability to walk & sit - blunt force trauma to the spine. I promised them a better life, a forever home with me. I can't go back on that for convenience. I couldn't live with myself if I did it again. I'm just now finally healing from doing that before, so I know. In a hauntingly familiar scene, 11 years ago I gave away all but 2 cats when a man offered me a place to live, a convenient way out of a life that had become a burden, & had me quit my career & join him in a financial business. The only difference here is that no sex is involved, no romance or "significant other" or potential marriage. (Which makes this new offer more appealing at this point, actually.) I know there's a reason it all lines up the same. Perhaps I'm not entirely healed from the choice I made the first time, & this will bring the final healing. That's why I wanted to settle the topic in my mind once & for all. It isn't that I love the cats or feel responsible or am too stubborn or too attached to be practical. I AM being practical. I've made the only choice I can make for me, not to give any up. It's the only way to be true to myself, who I am. And then I realized that since part of my mission in life is to work with cats, of course God is going to make sure the cats are provided for along with me. We'll be provided for together, as a family. These 6 are supposed to be with me, so they'll continue to be.

The other part of that is the job. All the messages I'm getting from God & the Universe are that I'm to be working for Him full time, using the talents given to me. It again goes entirely against conventional wisdom & advice, but I'm not seeking a job. I'm seeking God & learning to work within His system. It's entirely different from anything we're taught growing up & in the world. Here standing in my truth is also difficult, makes me mostly a lone wolf. Here the people around me make a huge contribution. They support my work & thinking fully, support me as an individual, praise my efforts. It's HUGE! They are a source of the information I need, for meeting others who help along the way, & provide the encouragement I need.

There's also another cat. There's a 7th cat, living in a corner of my garage. One of my frustrations when I've spoken of them lately is that I haven't been able to find the forever home for this cat. My family of cats won't accept her because she doesn't fit in, doesn't belong with us. It's time to tell you that I'm the cat lady redefined. After learning that I'm to work with cats & on their behalf, my relationship with them was further transformed. I understand them better than most people on the face of the earth. I communicate with them, commune with them. We are equals in my household. Most people think of them as pets. I think of them as individuals, like you think of people. I can't be any other way now that I know them. That's part of what I mean about having to be true to myself when it comes to them. So it's been a huge source of frustration to me that I have one who hasn't fit into the family, lives in hiding, barely has a life, & I haven't found a better situation for her. I pray about it daily, periodically ask around. Recently I posted a picture in the local store & someone called 2 days later, wanting to adopt her. Sounds like a wonderful situation - the cat would belong to a 12 year old girl who is the ultimate animal lover like I was. Then I found out the adults want to declaw her, & I had to say that meant they weren't the people for her. I told them what happens when you declaw a cat. Most vets remove the final "finger" joint along with the claw. Some cats never get over it, develop behavior problems that lead to being euthanized. Some don't walk right afterwards. If the cat gets out during a natural disaster, he has no defenses. Most times these things don't happen, but it truly is very painful & traumatic for the cat. I wanted a reality check with my daughter because I'm so eager to get this cat out of my garage corner & into a home. Again, she came through with perfect wisdom - the person wanting to declaw the cat wouldn't want that done to him/herself! Now I have my perfect answer to anyone who wants to declaw. "Sure, go right ahead. But, you go first." You wouldn't think of doing that to a person so why do you feel it's ok to do it to an innocent animal! Plus, there's no good reason to have it done. All you have to do is provide scratching posts & things, & redirect the cat's behavior a few times. You don't cut body parts off a child who uses them in ways you don't like! You teach accepted behavior instead. If you aren't willing to teach your pet, you shouldn't have one! Again, having someone like minded in my life provided exactly the support I needed. I'd wondered if I did the right thing for this cat, taking this stand. I said no to the one person who wanted her after all these months (she's been here about 5 months now). She's still in the garage, having a very small life. But standing in the truth as I know it is the right thing to do & her forever home will appear. Part of my part was staying true to my beliefs, what I know is right. She's still not in a good situation, but I haven't set her up for worse. The rest of my part is to keep on putting it out there until it happens, & doing my best for her in the meantime. When you stay true to yourself & your beliefs, you have no regrets or remorse. We can't control the final outcome, all we can do is our part & call on every resource we have to help. Then we've done our best. There are plenty of times when compromise is the right thing, but not on your principles, your beliefs, the matters of your heart & soul. I know how going against those can haunt you for years & it's simply not worth it! So standing in your truth matters in all parts of you life, & it does truly matter. It's very difficult to live with yourself if you don't, is at the heart of our moral dilemmas, is one of our major causes of life's discomforts. It can be very uncomfortable at first to go against the norm & stand in our truth, but as I've said, having supportive people around you really helps. And the next time you do it, notice how you feel inside after the decision is made - that's all the confirmation you need! And it gets easier the more you do it, & when you reinforce it by acknowledging it & the result you feel.

Standing in Your Truth - Staying True to Yourself - Part I

"Standing in your truth" is something we hear within the spiritual community. In the rest of the world it's expressed as staying true to yourself. Turns out it's one of the hardest things for people to do. We get contrary input all the time - from peers, parents/authority figures, family, media, accepted "truths," things we've been taught. I'm going to give you some examples but first I'm going to tell you one of the best ways to reinforce your ability to stand firm - carefully select who you surround yourself with. In my years of multilevel marketing (MLM) I heard it often - surround yourself with successful people if you want to be successful. In the spiritual community, we learn the importance of surrounding ourselves with like minded individuals. I bristled at the concept when I was in MLM because I'm not exclusionary. Also, I didn't especially like most of the "successful" people available to me! Now I realize that my definition of success has nothing to do with money, so of course I wasn't successful in strict money-making professions no matter how much we were told that recruiting & team-building helped people. Also, no wonder I didn't find affinity with or particularly like those people. Even most of the best were calculating, there was always an agenda. I don't have an agenda in the spiritual realm nor have I had one in business. It was always, is still, about helping people & having that naturally lead to payment. I was never successful because I don't have an agenda & never truly believed that was the best way to help people. I'm realizing all this as I speak it. The one time I was successful in recruiting was when I was in Tupperware in the mid 1980s. My message was, "I'm having the time of my life & I'm making money while doing it. I can teach you how to do that too if you want." Because it was entirely true & my emphasis really was on the fun I had, I attracted people in droves. It was one of the happiest & most successful times in my life. I was out being myself, having a great time in my chosen profession, attracting friends & money, business & success. I loved the product & the delivery system (home parties). I practiced what I preached (home was full of Tupperware). I did business with entire honesty. If someone wanted to buy something that wouldn't fit her needs, I'd tell her, often down-sell her to provide what would work best. And of course that always led to increased sales, from her, her friends, etc. Because total honesty in business always attracts more business, especially when that's not your goal.

It might seem like I've gotten away from my topic but I haven't. "Standing in your truth" is about much more than your religious or spiritual beliefs - it's about all your beliefs, all you "stand for." But let's take that first. For all that I'm a very open person, I'm also very guarded. I don't state most of my beliefs to most people. One, they aren't open for debate. Two, they're private. Three, I guard against people & sources that try to persuade me to their views. I don't listen to preachers via media, for one thing. I don't care for the method of delivery, am too sensitive to the tone of persuasion, the statements of "fact." I'm no longer open to anyone interpreting the Bible for me or telling me what to think & believe. I've "been there, done that" very heavily in the past. I learned conflicting things, heard things that entirely went against what I now know in my heart. It led me away from God & religion, & it took me many years to cast that off & move on to spirituality. I have a dear friend who regularly listens to a certain preacher who wants me to start listening too, & I told her I'd check it out. I haven't done so & the hardest thing will be explaining that I won't after all, & why I won't. But I have to be true to myself & my needs. What works for her won't work for me. It meets her needs but goes entirely against mine. That's standing in my truth. I am not anti-church or anti-Bible. I've read the Bible from cover to cover enough to be fairly conversant, have studied it. When I read the Bible now, I read it with Jesus, my beloved Brother. So there's no way I want to listen to a human talk about it!

I said I don't share my views/truths with everyone. That's not just true of spirituality, but of all things. I also don't hold back when it's time to speak. I gauge what I say, tailor it to my audience, but that's what all teachers do. Teachers have the gift of language interpretation, basically. We put things in terms the listener can understand, to effectively convey the message so it's received. I use that here, & when I talk with people on any topic, any level. I share my truths but don't try to persuade. I also try not to try to justify. That's one I've struggled with, since I was a people-pleaser. You can't be a people-pleaser & stand in your truth. So I used to try to over-explain & justify my stand, my point of view. I haven't entirely moved away from that but I've come a long way. I did a little of it in the paragraph before this, telling you how much I've studied the Bible in the past, how listening to preaching & lots of religious media hurt me in the past. I still have some of the people-pleaser in me - most of us do. We want to be liked, accepted, have approval. That's where surrounding yourself with supportive people really matters.

When there are people who don't believe as I do, mostly I say very little about the subject. I let them talk, state my position if I need to, agree to disagree. I don't try to persuade, don't open myself for criticism or persuasion. I used to be too open, too eager to please & listen or persuade, & set myself up for unwanted input. I no longer try to share all I know or believe with everyone I'm associated with, family & friends. I share all with some of them because of their supportive attitude. I have a new BFF that I talk with daily & we share everything, basically serve as "significant other" for each other. She's on a very similar path & we learn from each other. Although we don't talk as often, I also end up telling my daughter everything of significance to me. The rest get edited versions, & that's perfectly ok. Not even your closest friends or family necessarily want to hear about certain things. I used to tell my old BFF everything & now we very seldom talk. We're still BFFs of the heart but she's in a very different place than I am. She never reads this blog & my new BFF always does, even though she already knows what I'm going to say. Now I know that our jobs are to guide those who are seeking the path we're on or the information we have, not to persuade. We aren't supposed to try to convert the world. We're to support those who are like minded, & help those who come to us. I've been told to speak my truths via this blog, & God will lead the ones to it that He chooses. He gives me the topics. Part 2 tomorrow.

Practical Ways to Stop Obsessing & Controlling

I started on this subject the other day because it's something that comes up for most of us a lot. I'm trying to sell a bunch of used furniture & things, & wish to buy a used desk. I have a great need to clean out my home & life, make my space my own that works for me. I'm encountering people who don't reply or follow through, & it's messing with my need. It's all being done over the internet, & people tend to be very casual in that medium. So I keep finding myself really wanting to take control, & it keeps occupying my thoughts & energy.

I know I'm not the only person who has a tendency to try to micromanage, & who obsesses when I can't. I can't tell you how many nights I've stayed awake fretting over things not going my way, trying to figure out how to control situations that involve others. I tend to be too easy-going during the day, not wanting to be aggressive so not being properly assertive. The result is that often others get away with all they can, & I would be left holding the bag, dissatisfied. I don't like to push people, be pushy, etc. It's all the same language, the same thing, but we think of it in different ways, terms. I'm not sure why I do this. I know I have trouble setting boundaries by nature. Part of it comes from the kind of person I am. I always rejoiced in "The meek shall inherit the earth" because I often came off as very meek. Another reason I've had trouble setting boundaries is a childhood full of abuse that I perpetuated into adulthood, where I was taught that I had no right to boundaries. Many of us conduct our lives as if we have no real rights. We blindly bow to authority figures like lawyers we're paying. We don't hold them accountable, don't pin them down, let them get away with some outrageous behaviors & attitudes. We let them talk down to us, make promises they don't follow through with, then have to live with the consequences. We do that with doctors, nurses, teachers - any authority figure. Unless you have a history with a certain authority profession, you tend to do that. Most people do, a few actually know how to be properly assertive with authority figures. But most of us simply don't. We're taught to be polite to them from early childhood. Parents & even spouses or significant others can then fall into the authority figure category in our mind & if we don't learn to be properly assertive we end up with a lot of discomfort in our lives. When you find yourself obsessing & feeling the need to control others, it's sometimes directed at those people or situations we need to be assertive with in our daily lives. But often it's redirected, & actually points to authority figures we need to learn to be assertive with. So when you find yourself obsessing, feeling the need to control others, it's a sign that you need to do some self work. Because all we can control is ourselves. It's time to think things through & determine whether the person or situation is causing this need in you, or whether it's redirected & to what or whom it actually needs to be directed.

Next step is what to do. Since we can't control what others say or do, we have to figure out how to take effective action ourselves. Once you identify what's causing you the discomfort leading to the need to control, you need to figure out exactly what you can do about it. Usually I start with mentally firing or jailing or killing off someone, that immediate end scene that feels so good. Obviously I don't believe that God judges us for our thoughts! Then I settle down to more practical solutions until I get to something workable that only involves what I will do, what I can control. Have I clearly set boundaries? Have I given a deadline? Have I actively taken all the authority I can in the situation? All the responsibility? Have I clearly defined the optimum goals? I could pose other possible questions for you but without your specific problem in my mind, this will suffice. One thing I will tell you - brainstorming with me or another effective, clear thinking friend or co-worker can often help. Often we find that we haven't made our position or needs entirely clear or expressed that these are needs, not wants. We haven't been firm. Face it - most of us don't like to confront & when we do, we end up not doing the follow through. We don't like to "bug" others so we don't check back on the action, make the other person accountable. Requiring accountability is a big step toward getting things done by others (& ourselves). In the past I've done things like give a 2 week deadline & then gone back a month later, very unhappy to find that nothing's been done. If I'd checked at the one week mark & asked to see what progress had been made, chances are greater that the things would have gotten done on time. It's best to let the person or team know you're going to do that when the deadline is given. Often we've been loathe to "hold someone's

Often we need to examine & adjust our expectations. As I just said, when I set deadlines for myself (& others), they have to be reasonable & take workload & needs into account. Just because we want something done or obtained by a certain date doesn't make it doable or reasonable. Sometimes it's a matter of adjusting our expectations, which we have total control over. Just make sure you're not doing that for the wrong reason, to avoid holding someone accountable or asserting your boundaries. One way or another, things will eventually come to a conclusion. I, as most people, always choose the path of least resistance. I take as much of it on myself as I can (which is not always a good thing, & I'm trying to learn better ways). I try to be as flexible as possible (which in the past led me to not setting boundaries, so again, I'm learning to adjust how I handle things). I identify what I can & can't control & work with both. For the things I can't control, I'm learning to ask for help, make compromises, & have faith. Nothing stays undone or unresolved forever. Something eventually happens one way or another. It's how we handle ourselves while waiting that counts. I'm choosing to ask & trust. Yesterday I wanted a dresser out of my bedroom & it hasn't sold. I couldn't move it myself because of the heavy TV on it. I asked the guys who delivered my new mattress & box springs to lift the TV & they ended up doing it all for me - even moved the dresser out to the living room rather than have me help. They took a few minutes & set the TV & stand up for me right where I wanted it. The dresser's now in the living room - less than ideal - but I've reclaimed my entire bedroom now, & am finally able to sleep well. I compromised for now, but I got my immediate needs met by asking nicely with faith. I got the clearing I needed in the most important room & the rest will come. As I give up my expectations of gain from the sale of the furniture & trust that needed money will come somehow, I'll achieve all the clearing I need in my home. So trusting in God, in overall goodness of people, & asking both for help, eventually brings results. In the meantime, we simply need to control our attitudes & responses & have faith that it will all come out as it should, in the end. That's true faith in action.