I started on this subject the other day because it's something that comes up for most of us a lot. I'm trying to sell a bunch of used furniture & things, & wish to buy a used desk. I have a great need to clean out my home & life, make my space my own that works for me. I'm encountering people who don't reply or follow through, & it's messing with my need. It's all being done over the internet, & people tend to be very casual in that medium. So I keep finding myself really wanting to take control, & it keeps occupying my thoughts & energy.
I know I'm not the only person who has a tendency to try to micromanage, & who obsesses when I can't. I can't tell you how many nights I've stayed awake fretting over things not going my way, trying to figure out how to control situations that involve others. I tend to be too easy-going during the day, not wanting to be aggressive so not being properly assertive. The result is that often others get away with all they can, & I would be left holding the bag, dissatisfied. I don't like to push people, be pushy, etc. It's all the same language, the same thing, but we think of it in different ways, terms. I'm not sure why I do this. I know I have trouble setting boundaries by nature. Part of it comes from the kind of person I am. I always rejoiced in "The meek shall inherit the earth" because I often came off as very meek. Another reason I've had trouble setting boundaries is a childhood full of abuse that I perpetuated into adulthood, where I was taught that I had no right to boundaries. Many of us conduct our lives as if we have no real rights. We blindly bow to authority figures like lawyers we're paying. We don't hold them accountable, don't pin them down, let them get away with some outrageous behaviors & attitudes. We let them talk down to us, make promises they don't follow through with, then have to live with the consequences. We do that with doctors, nurses, teachers - any authority figure. Unless you have a history with a certain authority profession, you tend to do that. Most people do, a few actually know how to be properly assertive with authority figures. But most of us simply don't. We're taught to be polite to them from early childhood. Parents & even spouses or significant others can then fall into the authority figure category in our mind & if we don't learn to be properly assertive we end up with a lot of discomfort in our lives. When you find yourself obsessing & feeling the need to control others, it's sometimes directed at those people or situations we need to be assertive with in our daily lives. But often it's redirected, & actually points to authority figures we need to learn to be assertive with. So when you find yourself obsessing, feeling the need to control others, it's a sign that you need to do some self work. Because all we can control is ourselves. It's time to think things through & determine whether the person or situation is causing this need in you, or whether it's redirected & to what or whom it actually needs to be directed.
Next step is what to do. Since we can't control what others say or do, we have to figure out how to take effective action ourselves. Once you identify what's causing you the discomfort leading to the need to control, you need to figure out exactly what you can do about it. Usually I start with mentally firing or jailing or killing off someone, that immediate end scene that feels so good. Obviously I don't believe that God judges us for our thoughts! Then I settle down to more practical solutions until I get to something workable that only involves what I will do, what I can control. Have I clearly set boundaries? Have I given a deadline? Have I actively taken all the authority I can in the situation? All the responsibility? Have I clearly defined the optimum goals? I could pose other possible questions for you but without your specific problem in my mind, this will suffice. One thing I will tell you - brainstorming with me or another effective, clear thinking friend or co-worker can often help. Often we find that we haven't made our position or needs entirely clear or expressed that these are needs, not wants. We haven't been firm. Face it - most of us don't like to confront & when we do, we end up not doing the follow through. We don't like to "bug" others so we don't check back on the action, make the other person accountable. Requiring accountability is a big step toward getting things done by others (& ourselves). In the past I've done things like give a 2 week deadline & then gone back a month later, very unhappy to find that nothing's been done. If I'd checked at the one week mark & asked to see what progress had been made, chances are greater that the things would have gotten done on time. It's best to let the person or team know you're going to do that when the deadline is given. Often we've been loathe to "hold someone's
Often we need to examine & adjust our expectations. As I just said, when I set deadlines for myself (& others), they have to be reasonable & take workload & needs into account. Just because we want something done or obtained by a certain date doesn't make it doable or reasonable. Sometimes it's a matter of adjusting our expectations, which we have total control over. Just make sure you're not doing that for the wrong reason, to avoid holding someone accountable or asserting your boundaries. One way or another, things will eventually come to a conclusion. I, as most people, always choose the path of least resistance. I take as much of it on myself as I can (which is not always a good thing, & I'm trying to learn better ways). I try to be as flexible as possible (which in the past led me to not setting boundaries, so again, I'm learning to adjust how I handle things). I identify what I can & can't control & work with both. For the things I can't control, I'm learning to ask for help, make compromises, & have faith. Nothing stays undone or unresolved forever. Something eventually happens one way or another. It's how we handle ourselves while waiting that counts. I'm choosing to ask & trust. Yesterday I wanted a dresser out of my bedroom & it hasn't sold. I couldn't move it myself because of the heavy TV on it. I asked the guys who delivered my new mattress & box springs to lift the TV & they ended up doing it all for me - even moved the dresser out to the living room rather than have me help. They took a few minutes & set the TV & stand up for me right where I wanted it. The dresser's now in the living room - less than ideal - but I've reclaimed my entire bedroom now, & am finally able to sleep well. I compromised for now, but I got my immediate needs met by asking nicely with faith. I got the clearing I needed in the most important room & the rest will come. As I give up my expectations of gain from the sale of the furniture & trust that needed money will come somehow, I'll achieve all the clearing I need in my home. So trusting in God, in overall goodness of people, & asking both for help, eventually brings results. In the meantime, we simply need to control our attitudes & responses & have faith that it will all come out as it should, in the end. That's true faith in action.
No comments:
Post a Comment