Magic Words

"Please" & "thank you" are the most common ones, but are often neglected. They transform - without them, you're issuing orders. With them, you're giving the gift of choice even if you're sure the other person will do it (or you're the boss).

"How can I help you today" or "what can I do for you today" (or "right now," or "to help you with this") spoken to a friend or loved one are even more magical. A friend told me that her father used to ask her what he could do for her that day, every single day. What an immeasurably huge gift! That so goes along with that golden rule of doing what someone wants done for them rather than what you would want done for you. That one sentence speaks volumes about the quality of the love being given. If we asked our spouses that every day, the divorce rate would go way down. If we asked our children that every day, the amount of cooperation, love, & respect we get as parents would soar. If we asked our friends that... Those words concentrate your attention & intent entirely on the other person, which is what pure, unconditional love is about. Now, I don't need to ask my BFF this because she's very good about communicating with me & I interpret her needs well. Our conversations are how we do for each other. Yet it's still a great thing to do because it concentrates & verbalizes the intent. We should never assume we don't need to say the words. If nothing else, we do, because everyone hears too many of the other kinds of words every day, receives the other kinds of messages. My BFF passed on a good idea for daily practice about that just last night. She knows of someone who starts each day asking that anything not of her or her energy field leave her now. She also does this when something disturbs her energy or mood during the day, like a store clerk or someone in line who's nasty, arguing, etc. Since we're all bombarded daily, it's a very good practice.

Another set of magic words are: "I'm sorry," "I was wrong," & "but." "I'm sorry" is a very healing thing to say. You are acknowledging the self of the other person. It acknowledges that you know you hurt him/her. (Anger is a form of hurt, also.) Those 2 words work wonders for another. "I was wrong" usually goes along with it but is a separate, important statement. With those words you humble yourself before another. This puts you more on an even level, keeps you from being too full of yourself. Parents should even do this with children. It doesn't bring you down as an authority figure - in fact, it gains you more respect & sets a wonderful example. A parent who can admit to being wrong is more likely to be listened to with respect the next time. Without those 2 sets of words, you eventually lose the respect & then the love. The man I recently divorced for stealing my mother's life savings would lost our marriage eventually anyway, in large part because of his lack of ability to say either of those things. I was his 3rd failed marriage, by the way. He used to viciously attack me verbally & never say he was sorry or was wrong. Instead, a few days to a few weeks later, he'd start a conversation about what had happened & indicate that he hadn't been very nice. That would tell me that he had been listening to me or aware of how he'd hurt me. It also gave me the opportunity, without the heat of the moment, to reinforce the harm done. Yet he never said he was sorry, or that he was wrong. I had to be satisfied with what I got. It eroded our relationship to the point that I lost all respect for him as a partner & spouse. I quit working on our relationship about 7 years into it. (I have a lot of will to make even bad things work, which isn't always a good thing.) It was no longer worth it to me, since I was the one doing all the work. Oh, he'd met me part way for awhile, but the inability to say those words told me volumes about him. He'd never be a real man, never change from someone who put himself above me. I basically quit giving my point of view, trying to improve things, just took the abuse & noted to myself another nail in the coffin for our relationship. That's exactly what we all do with those types of people. It's never too late to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong," although of course the sooner the better. About 20 years later, I felt the need to say it to my daughter about something I said that really hurt her. We've covered it before, on our big weekend of clearing the air about 10 years ago, but I still felt the need to say it. At the time I didn't realize how wrong I was, & the incident came to mind the other day. This time, I finally saw just how wrong I was, so I called her right then to tell her - for no other reason. I didn't end up telling her during that call. Turns out she was having a really bad day, was very stressed out, mostly by work (remember, she's a social worker). Instead, this time I asked her what I can do for her, & told her I'd do Reiki on her since she didn't think of anything to ask me to do to help. (Remember, "what can I do for you" is all about them. First you give them the opportunity to tell you. If they don't think of anything, then you can suggest something.) She was grateful, & I saved what I had to say for 2 days, until a better moment for her to receive the apology. Again, remember it's all about them, not about clearing your conscious. It's just not about you! Saying the words now brought her further healing. (Perhaps the time ended up to be a very good time & that's why I finally figured out how wrong I was when I did. It involved an incident with a cat she loved very much & her beloved oldest cat is now very sick.) Because I love her, & because she's the daughter intrusted into my care (another subject for another day), I have made the opportunity to do it. Now, "but" is the final word, & you don't ever want to employ that magic when you say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong." Nothing good can then follow the word "but." That is a word of excuse. "But you made me so mad," "but I wasn't feeling well," whatever follows, negates the apology! You can follow an apology with an explanation ONLY IF it removes blame from the other person. "It wasn't you I was really mad at, I'd had a really bad day." A good follow up at this point would be something like, "You didn't deserve that." Now you can even excuse yourself some if you truly feel the need - "You know I don't normally act that way" (only if that's really true) & if you do that, you'd better add back in something like, "I'm really, truly very sorry." It's the closest thing to unsaying words that's possible, to totally own up to being wrong & sorry. You can't entirely undo harsh words no matter what. Once you say them, you have no control over the impact. But with magic words, you can at least try to make it better, & show that you truly do care about the feelings of, respect the other person.