More on Receiving Messages & Surrender

You have to credit Source when things happen, and to be aware and grateful. And you have to realize that Creator is - creative. So when things happen you have to be looking for them and recognize them as such. For example, a few times I've gotten money or a check in the mail as a gift - out of the blue. That's Creator using someone to supply my needs. All Love comes from Creator and He put it on their hearts to do that for me. And there are so many great messages in that, including that I'm loved, Loved, and will be helped, taken care of. Sometimes you have to be looking for the silver lining to see the blessing. I wrecked my beloved 15 year old car in February. I didn't end up with enough money to replace it. Instead, I ended up with enough money to live on for two months, right when I lost access to the only income source I had. I live right next door to a bus stop too, which is another source of supply for me. Not any easy one by any means, but I'm truly grateful. God and the angels also have great senses of humor, and I love those reminders. Two days ago I wrote some really specific needs and desires on a small piece of paper. The day I wrote it I used Reiki symbols to empower it, then held it between my hands to give it energy. Then I placed it on my heart and did the same. Yesterday I went to do that again. I again started with it between my hands after drawing the symbols. When I went to place it on my heart, it flew out of my hands and landed in my tote basket! I don't know about you, but I see that as a perfect sign. To me it means that the angels and God made my manifestation work take flight. And perhaps that's the biggest difference between those who receive guidance easily and those who don't. I realize what a fluke it was for that piece of paper to fly out of my hands and land way off to my left in the basket. I didn't for a moment think, "Wow, I couldn't do that again if I tried." Instead, I sat in awe for a moment, thought about it, and processed the message - "flew out of my hands - ah, my needs and desires taking flight." And then of course I thanked God and the angels.

As far as surrender, I have to tell you that surrender without steady action and responsibility means nothing. I am so very grateful for the bus stop beside me but today was not a comfortable day, and my feet are still very cold. I don't have a real rain coat so the one I wore was wet by the time I got to my second bus stop of the day. That bus had the air conditioning on for some reason, so I got very cold. I was out job hunting, running down every possibility I could. I stopped at an optical shop along my bus route and dropped off a resume because it's my chosen field and I could easily get there. Rather than calling to see if they have an opening, I was pro-active. Then I went to a job fair I could have skipped in favor of submitting an online application. I could have elected not to do any of this on a chilly, very wet day. I stepped in a big stream of running water after the job fair and waited in heavy rain for about 20 minutes for the bus. But if it gets me a job, it was all worth it. There are no guarantees that it will. But being responsible means you do all it takes. Surrender is not waiting for God to do it for you. You still have to fully do your part, but leave the outcome to God. It may not be worth what I went through today. It could be that nothing comes from it. That truly isn't up to me. What's up to me is to take responsibility for me actions and choose to do my part, over and over until it works. As in anything, "it's a numbers game." You hear that all the time in sales. If it take 99 "no" answers to get to a "yes," then you start joyously counting the "no" answers because they bring you that much closer. You never know in sales which time your pitch is going to work so you have to keep doing it. In sales you can't take responsibility for the outcome of any given presentation you make. Usually genuine activity is measured rather than just results. Writing a script is not genuine activity any more than creating a form to track your results is. You have to actually get out there and pitch your products or services to a potential buyer. So going out today may not get me a job, but I'm absolutely doing my part so God and the Universe can do theirs. Once I'm in motion, I can be directed and my activities pay off. My job is the motion, theirs is the pay off - the details, the timing, the place. They don't direct or give messages to those who are stagnating, just sitting and waiting for answers, or don't know what they want.

I talked with God while waiting for the first bus. I wanted to understand why I haven't found a job sooner, and this whole thing having to do with surrender. I received a partial answer to both. Before this I wasn't entirely clear on what I wanted so I hadn't committed with my full heart, set my intent fully. I still am not entirely clear on the subject of surrender because of free will, but it has to do with releasing the outcome. It's not that God needs us to give up our free will. It's that giving up trying to dictate the outcome is important. We need to get to the place where we will gratefully accept whatever is then given to us, whatever the outcome is. When we do that, we are able to actually receive something for our greater good, even if it isn't apparent that way at first. Go back to what I said about wrecking my car. I so loved that car, had it for 15 years. I'd waited years to have a car like that, and had suffered through much lesser cars in the meantime. I took very good care of my car and wouldn't have sold it to pay bills. And if I had, I wouldn't have gotten nearly as much as the insurance company paid me. So it was entirely against my known will to receive that money and give up my car. But if you had told me the choice was the car or staying in this house I would have made the decision to give up the car and stay in this house. And it would have been such a hard decision, would have bothered me for a long time to come. So for my highest good, the whole thing was taken out of my hands. I've learned a lot since then, including because of the way and timing of losing that car. I eventually saw the true blessing that was. One of the things I learned was that I do only want whatever is for my highest good in my life. I learned that there are lessons in all adversity. I learned to trust God more. And all that helped me get to the place of surrender, where I trust that no matter how things looks, my greatest good will come about. And I can trust that whatever comes that's my greatest good, may be better than what I thought I wanted. I can trust that it takes all my needs into consideration, in the proper measure and proportions. And I've learned that I can't really see what's in my highest good clearly because I have the human perspective rather than the All Knowing.

Because I write these blogs and am serving as a guide to others, I needed to learn all these lessons. I have people who look to me for help in navigating, and for hope. And I truly desire to serve God and others in these ways, and whatever other ways He calls me. I could make some really "lame" choices given my own wants and vision, and mess up without surrender. Think of headlights on a dark road at night. I can only see just so far and not beyond. And my heart's truest desires are to serve. So surrender helps me do that without my self getting in the way.

How to Get Clear Messages & Guidance

In a private message I read yesterday, a dear friend of mine said she wishes she got messages and guidance as clearly as I do. She said it's a gift. It is indeed, but one I've worked to develop over time. I hear so often from people who wish to do the same, don't feel they're spoken to at all. They don't know how to change that or believe that they can. So I'm going to tell you how I developed this ability.

First I have to say that I don't always receive clear messages or guidance. Sometimes we seek answers or guidance and we aren't ready. Sometimes we're really open to them and other times we're not. When we're in too much of a rush or too stuck in our situations, we don't "hear" the messages that are being given. So too when we're locked in negativity. We have to be ready and have to be paying real attention. We also have to believe and recognize what we're being given. The messages come in so many forms that you truly have to be open to the various "media" used by angels, guides, and other messengers. I've touched on this in many past blogs but will address this all now, bring it together in one place for you.

First, you have to trust and "own" what you're getting. Before you can even do that you have to develop some sense of worthiness. You have to know within yourself that you are loved and being guided and cared for. I don't care what your beliefs are as to who does this - God, the Universe, goddesses, guides, angels, whatever. But you do have to believe or you won't receive. You also have to trust yourself. Often the messages are simply a "knowing" that comes upon you. If you discount it, you've shut off a major delivery vehicle. You simply aren't going to hear a peal of thunder and a voice out of nowhere! The messages simply are so seldom given that dramatically. So when the subtle messages come to you, don't figure they're your head or some demon. If they feel right and fit some of what you already know, or they make sense, realize you're being guided. I've come to know that these things aren't coming from my higher self or subconscious. I used to receive messages from both, before I was open to believing that I had guardian angels. At the time I believed others did though - didn't feel worthy to have my own.

If you suddenly get an answer you're seeking, if it suddenly "comes" to you and you've been asking God or the angels, then it's probably an answer from them. If your subconscious had the answer ready, you would have already gotten it. Especially if you've been asking for a time, then it comes to you - that's them. Your subconscious wouldn't have been withholding it. That's not to say that the angels or God withhold answers. They don't play a waiting game with us. In fact, they don't play games with us at all in that negative sense. But for some reason, we aren't usually given the answers as soon as we start seeking them. Usually there are some things we need to discover along the way or lessons we need to learn before receiving those answers. Sometimes it isn't in our highest good to receive the answer right away, like in cases where we need information or lessons first. So when you realize this and then are given then answer, no, it's not coming from within you. It comes from the source you requested it from. I've gone into all this because some of you need to be able to identify the source(s), need to learn how to identify them. We all have some knowledge built within us. We've all had ideas come to us or solutions, from our subconscious working on them. So look back to the times you know that's happened and what it felt like. Receiving messages from guides, angels, or God feels different than those "ah-ha from within" moments. From within it's kind of a "eureka" moment. From without, it comes with a feeling of grace, of being loved and gifted with the knowledge. The first is more of that feeling of triumph that comes when you've solved a puzzle.

So how did I get to "hearing" and receiving so many messages and so much guidance? One thing I did was take classes from ChiChi on developing intuition, mediumship, and doing psychic readings. (That would be Dr. Marjorie Augustine Rivera of moonstonemediums.com, mentioned yesterday.) She truly helped me believe in, open to, and develop my gifts. Being attuned to Reiki also opened doors for me beyond measure, as has working with it. I set my intent to learn and be open. I set intent to meet and have a personal relationship with my angels, teachers, and guides, as well as departed loved ones who watch over and help me - my Council. I set intent to be open to God and His messages. I set intent to learn, grow, change, and receive. Then I gradually opened myself to more and more sources of messages as the opportunities presented themselves. I've had psychic readings from very gifted professionals like ChiChi. I've subscribed to the daily messages from the Universe through tut.com, and messages from other good sources. I actively seek messages from the angels whenever I need them through Doreen Virtue's angel oracle card decks. I have four that I use, including "Daily Messages from Your Angels," "Guidance from Your Angels," "Angel Therapy," and the "Archangel Michael" deck. She has many and I've become a "deck junkie" - there are several more I really want. I use them all as guided. Sometimes I carry them to the living room and one drops on the floor - the one I should use. Sometimes it's the one on the top and the bottom of the stack. I usually pull cards from two decks when I need answers or messages. Some times I simply "feel" (guidance in itself) which decks to use. The book that comes with each deck makes it very easy to figure out why you drew a particular card. The beginning of each book tells you how to do it to get the reading you need. The more I do it the more I get from it. Sunday was the most advanced reading ever. Usually I get the same reassurances that all is well, I'm moving forward, that the angels and God have heard my pleas. This is because I'm usually asking about a job and my living situation, which has been so precarious and therefore been my biggest concern. But Sunday I had a tremendous healing plus had given a Reiki attunement. This time I simply went to the cards to see what Archangel Michael (the angel I work with most), God, and the other angels had as the next message for me. I also wanted a final answer on something. And this time the messages were entirely different. I received so much information about my missions and path, who and what I am. I've never received such direct personal information before or so much at one time, except from my first psychic reading. This one built on what she told me April 30 - May 1, 2011, and clarified a lot of it. I had two readings in two days that probably totaled 115 - 120 minutes and this was a few cards that "jumped" from the deck and told me quite a bit the amplified those readings.

One of the biggest things I've used to develop my abilities to receive messages is my "daily devotions." As I've said, the first thing I do is pray for myself, and mostly for others. The second thing I do is greet my teachers, guides, angels, and departed loved ones and express my love. After my "I Am," then manifestation statements, the last thing I do is work with certain angels in supplication. The greetings and the angel work are the keys here - to building relationships. Through these relationships and communion with them I receive their messages easily and naturally. Refer back to paragraph two now. When I rush through, nothing happens during these greetings but at least I'm trying. Same if my mind is elsewhere (usually locked into worry about finances or all I have to do that day) or my heart is full of fear. But when my heart is open and my mind present, I receive messages, guidance, and so much love! First today I just received a huge awareness of love from my wonderful dog companion who crossed over in 2000. Then my father interrupted my greetings of others, in a rush to make me feel his love and presence. He, who couldn't be bothered to be any part of my life while living! But Rebekah Gamble healed my heart toward him on Sunday and he's been so with me every since. I've been basking in the love I never knew while he was here on earth, only caught a glimpse of a few times in my life. Thank you Bekah, more than I can ever express, and my God. I'm crying now because I have been off and on ever since. I was so very under loved and given to until recently and one of the biggest lacks was father-love. Suddenly I have an abundance of it and can fully feel and receive it even though he's crossed over. It's such a major miracle. Even when he was on earth I gave up hope. You can reach her through her Etsy store, Asian Brocade. Then I greeted my beloved grandparents who were like parents to me. I often feel them but my heart is so very open since the guided meditation Monday given by Debbie Donoghue (rainbowstarproductions.com), that all my loved ones are so very present. I also had a special moment with Archangels Raphael and Gabriel, who let me know how present they are in the Sunday reading. So this is what I'm saying about using the cards, being open, many sources, and the power of the things I do in these "devotion" times, which are a form of meditation.

There are all kinds of sources of messages. Often messages are delivered to me through animals. These are either the cats I live with or animals who appear out of sequence, like the groundhog who ran in front of the headlights at 10 p.m. (the sleep at night in their burrows). They can also be the animals or bugs that do odd things, like the hornet that tapped on Nick's hand multiple times without stinging him. I then look them up in my books by Ted Andrews and Steven Farmer. Sometimes it's butterflies or hummingbirds flying around you, or lightning bugs for me. It can be anything in nature that really catches your attention, including a cloud formation, rainbow, or sunset. It can be a sudden feeling of love, happiness, or wellbeing. It can be a "chance" meeting or something coming to you just when you need it or a call coming in just before you were going to call. It can be someone calling you "out of the blue" when you were thinking of him/her. All these things are messages of love and care from the Universe. And there are so many more, including some of our dreams, things we "happen" to read or that catch our attention anywhere and everywhere - if we're open. And always, these things resonate within you if you pay attention. They are a source of great comfort and joy. And they lead to a feeling of abundance, an awareness of how loved we are, and of how good the world really is for those loving and open - for YOU! By the way, I'd like to introduce you to my co-author on many of these blogs, Archangel Gabriel. When you hear about people channeling, that's simply receiving messages as this blog describes.

More on Surrender

Surrender isn't a "once and for all" action. It doesn't come easily and naturally to us, for one thing. God gave us free will and that's one of the defining characteristics of humans. I'm finding that sometimes I have to surrender over and over during the day. I keep moving back into concern about the outcome, and that's not true surrender. So just like I've been practicing positive thinking, clearing old issues, asking the angels and God for help, so I've got to keep practicing this surrender. It's something that becomes easier over time and I'm in the beginning stages. (The first part of this blog was written on 9/22.) Anyway, it reminds me of the addiction recovery process. Sometimes you have to renew your resolve moment by moment.

A dear friend wrote that the blog on surrender really meant something to her because she's got the same issues. She also wrote that she wishes she had a magic wand. I'm known for saying that too. The connections among my soul group are incredible. We struggle with a lot of the same issues at the same time. Last night I talked with another dear friend who is struggling with job move decisions and where she's going to live, needs a car... Again, issues I'm dealing with. Often we don't have answers for each other as we're still dealing with these situations. It's simply comforting to know that we're not alone in these issues and struggles. It also helps to share perspective and strategies.

Today I had a wonderful confirmation that God supplies for our needs. One of my immediate needs concerns a certain amount of money I need to pay. I got a phone call on it last night so it was on my mind this morning when I was surrendering my needs to God in prayer. Then I got a text message on the amount a friend is going to "pay" me for her Reiki II attunement tomorrow. I know you see this coming - it's the exact amount that was foremost on my mind at the time!

As I've said, one of the things surrender did for me was help me see what's for my highest and greatest good. The process of getting there also helped me see exactly what I do want and need in my life at this time. Finally! So I've finally fully set intent, to manifest what I need. It's still about surrender - the outcome is up to God. And I've added my wants to my surrender, not just my needs. And did I tell you I also surrender my relationship with, thoughts, and feelings about money? I believe that's important too. So in my prayer time this morning I spent more time than even in the surrender part. I discussed my wants and a little of my needs. God knows all this but talking with Him helps in relationship, and so I talked to Him about it. Then I surrendered the outcome to Him. I am actively pursuing solutions in order to do my part, and expressing my wishes. But I'm not trying to control and manipulate. There's a fine line of difference here that if you don't get, you truly don't get. I'm doing all I can to manifest what's needed for my highest good as I know it, and asking for this or something greater. I'm yielding the outcome to God, knowing that He alone truly knows what my highest good is. I know it may be different than what I think it is, and I'm willing to allow for that. That's part of why I've left the outcome in His Hands. Because I truly most desire my highest good and trust Him fully, mostly. I say mostly because my heart and head are still getting there. That's why I have to keep surrendering, and say it doesn't come naturally to us. We think we know best and think clearly when in truth, as humans, we barely see beyond our own point of view. That's part of why trust in God and His goodness is so important. We need to trust that He will ultimately provide what's best for us, and knows better than we do - the future, our truest needs, the "big picture."

Now the rest of this is being written today. So much has happened since I wrote the above part on Saturday afternoon. Saturday night was very healing and revealing, about my purpose on this earth for one thing. Sunday Rebekah Gamble (her Etsy store is Asian Brocade and you can reach her there) did an incredible healing and channeling session on me. It was a truly miraculous session, the most powerful I've ever experienced. Because my mother and latest ex were my abusers, I lose sight of other issues. One is that my father died when I still barely knew him, had only seen him a few times in my life. First my father came to me during the healing session and this time my heart entirely opened to him. When Dr. Marjorie Augustine Rivera (known as ChiChi) channeled him just over a year ago, I wasn't ready to receive his message. She too is very gifted, a psychic medium who travels some. You can reach her at moonstonemediums.com. This time I opened to him immediately and received such healing through Rebekah's work that I now finally feel and understand him and his love for me. I gained great insight when she also channeled my mother, who is still living. And then she channeled God Himself and His love for me.

Then yesterday I went to a guided meditation by my Reiki Master, Debbie Donoghue. (You can find her at rainbowstarproductions.com.) When I went to the last Reiki Exchange she was talking about how the energies have changed and the meditations have become decidedly more powerful recently. Now, I've found them very powerful in the past nearly 2 years I've been going. I've greatly benefited from every one and made it a point to go to all of them until I lost my car. I also have to say I always believe her. She doesn't exaggerate in any way and is one of the most beautiful, loving, honest spirits I've ever met on earth. Still, I had no idea how she was actually understating this experience. I received such a huge healing and opening last night! I had a lot of powerful messages come to me on Sunday before, during, and after that healing session. This included when I decided to do an angel card reading for myself to clarify what I was "hearing" and getting. Everything channeled during the meditation last night could have been said just for me because it was so fitting with the messages I started getting Saturday night and since. (Remember, I finally got to the point of surrender just this past Thursday - all this has been happening since then.) Last night really fit with what Rebekah channeled on Sunday from God and what the angel cards said that night. Then Debbie invited us to pull angel cards she had out, and the two I pulled further clarified things for me. Then last night and today, the messages were coming at me almost faster than I could receive and absorb them. It's been incredible. They've all built on the last, in sequence. They've revealed to me all I needed to know at this point about who I am and my purpose on earth. They redefined what I'd been told earlier and put all the pieces into a more cohesive whole. I've had all kinds of answers come to things I've been seeking. And I believe that the catalyst for all this was finally getting to the point of that first real surrender, and therefore being ready to receive. The power of the channeled message wouldn't have had the impact it did if I wasn't ready. And that should be the start of tomorrow's blog.   

True Surrender Brings Relief & Release

I began to notice big changes this morning. I won't say I awoke with great joy because part of surrender meant that I had to give up. I had to give up trying to control my life and my future. That's a huge thing for me to do! I've been working so hard to try to find a job, for one thing. I've been trying everything possible to stay in Pittsburgh and have enough income to make it. Giving up meant facing the true consequences of not finding income. For me, that's moving to Oregon with the cats, into someone else's home. This would be very hard on the cats and me, plus on the person I'd move in with and her pets. I'm so very grateful to have a place to go, someone entirely willing to come and get me and take us all in. And in some ways I'd love to live with her. But it would be a huge displacement and therefore isn't what I want.

I want to say that giving up doesn't mean you quit trying. Our part is to do all we can, all the work before us. God's part is the outcome. You can put that in whatever terms you want - Creator, the universe - whatever is most comfortable for you. As I've said before, my belief is in God but I don't force that on you. However, it's my blog so of course I'll use the term that fits my beliefs. Anyway, my part is to continue applying for jobs, networking, doing all I can. The difference is, I'm no longer trying to make things happen. I'm simply doing my part so God and the universe can do the rest. Nothing will happen if we don't do our part. As Mike Dooley is fond of saying, do anything but be in motion. The universe won't move for an inert object but if you're moving forward, it can nudge you in the right direction.

I never truly understood surrender before. At the end of the 1980s when I was facing divorce, I went through a major upheaval of faith and belief. I was very smug on about 1988, thought I really understood God and the Bible, had a real handle on all this. Then began the dark years when I didn't know what I believed, realized I truly didn't have any of the answers. In the 80s and before, I truly studied the Bible, tried to learn all I could and truly know and understand God. So these days I have so many of the concepts down, and am finally coming to understand through truly living these things. One of those is surrender. It doesn't mean expecting God to fix everything or fulfill our every wish, or even supply our every need. It simply means doing our part - all of it that we can given human nature and limitations - and leaving the outcome to God. I trust that like begets like and that God is very good and loving. I know He doesn't punish us for our human failings. I've come to understand that fully finally, down to the bottom of my heart. I used to expect a God-sized shoe to fall on me whenever I made the slightest mistake, because that's how my mother handled me. She was the god of our house. She was the supreme ruler and I had no say in whatever happened to me. Now, consider how big it is for me to surrender trying to control my own life! I've come to understand that God wants to shower us with goodness, that abundance is the natural state of the universe. There's abundant air, water, grass, flowers, trees, animals... There may not be an abundance of all of that in all places but that's because of man and environment, not a limited universal supply. When you take the earth as a whole, you see abundance all around you - the earth as God created it. And God even wants us to have a lot of what our heart's desire, as long as no one else is harmed for you to get it.

So surrendering doesn't mean you quit trying or working. Surrendering means you yield the outcome. It means you accept with grace and gratitude whatever the outcome is, and find a way to deal with it if needed. I also understand that whether I realize it or not at the time, what I'm given in life is for my greatest good. I've learned so many lessons from adversity! And although it doesn't always seem like it at the time, it's been worth whatever it took to learn it. And when things just happen, God can use those too. Sometimes we don't see the good in any situation at once. Faith is knowing that you will eventually see, or learn from it, and that God can use anything to help us.

During the night and this morning my thoughts were of how to cope with the logistics of the move if it happens. These are not happy thoughts, but they're only natural at this point. I'm a planner, and if I'm to move I need to be prepared. I have decisions to make about what to keep, what to sell, what to store. I need to figure out how to best get the cats to our destination and what they'll need. I'll have a great deal of work to do and it will take intense planning. That's actually all my part of things - logistics. The outcome of the logistics is God's work. But mine is to use my brains and be as organized and prepared as possible rather than just expect God to do it all. So as I said, I didn't awaken with joy.

But as I started my day, I noticed a new freedom. I began to feel free of the burden of outcome. I noticed that I no longer felt burdened by trying to find a job. Since my part is simply to look for jobs and apply, not to get a job, I'm now free. Getting a job can be hard but simply identifying openings and applying is easy. I know I can easily do that - I have been. Now that I've surrendered the outcome, the burden is no longer on me. Now that I don't feel burdened, I've cleared my energy, and I'm much lighter. And as I began to experience the effects of that, I realized the true benefits of surrender. It hasn't all lifted overnight. This struggle has been going on for quite some time and it takes a little time for our full hearts and heads to entirely get the message. It takes a little time for full, heartfelt release. But now I have a good idea what it feels like and it's so worth giving up control.

What I Do to Pick Myself Up When I'm Feeling "Down"

I'll cover a lot of ideas here, but my latest "go to" has been Doreen Virtue's Angel Oracle card decks. I have 5 decks but usually only use 4, have one ready to mail to my daughter. That deck has a DVD with it on how to do readings. If you are at all intuitive but have never used these cards, I recommend starting with that set. However, Doreen Virtue makes it so easy, you could start with any deck. I highly recommend the following decks: Angel Therapy to start with, Daily Messages from Your Angels, or "Messages from Your Angels." No matter where you buy them, you can go on Amazon to read about the different decks and read reviews. I started with the Angel Therapy deck on the recommendation of my Reiki Master and love them. Then, when Doreen Virtue was coming to town, I went on Amazon and read about her other decks. I bought them at the store where she was signing autographs, after identifying through Amazon what I wanted. Her decks come with a booklet that gives further illumination on the meanings of the cards so you truly don't have to be that intuitive to use them. And they're all positive messages and pictures, nothing scary. Plus, at the beginning of these booklets, she tells how to do readings for yourself and others. So truly anyone can do this, at least for themselves. I don't feel bad that someone who has never done this is reading it as one of my number one strategies.

I made a major mistake this week regarding manifestation. I fixed on one particular job and got very down because of it. I thought I had the job the way the interview went last Thursday. I was to get a call the next day and interview again this past Monday. This was more than a job, this was a huge career choice for me, a life-changer. When trying to manifest, you have to leave the details to the universe and I didn't do that. Instead, I leaped from being sure I'd be working starting next week to feeling like I'm unemployable. I truly don't know what happened, but I have had other good interviews come to nothing over the past year plus. Mostly I apply and don't even reach the interview stage though. I've also gone to temp agencies and have never heard from any of them again. So the feeling of being unemployable had been coming on. I've been struggling for so long now, and casting about. I haven't known if I'm to get a traditional job or work from home, work for God or find a job, sell my products and services, or... I've been faithful and worked hard, tried networking, tried clearing all my personal blockages and fears. I've worked so hard at not working, at trying to find work or my niche. Every path that seems right dries up before it opens. So yes, I goofed in my manifesting work but I think it could be clear why. Thing is, God can use all of it. I've learned a lot of really good lessons that I needed along the way. Boy have I learned, changed, and grown! The final change came about tonight with another angel card reading. I've truly surrendered. I know I've given it my all and that time's about up. I have a dear friend who's willing to come get me and move me to Oregon with her, cats and all. I've thought I was supposed to be here because of my work for God and my community here but I haven't been able to make a living here. So now it truly is all in God's Hands. I will continue to apply for jobs in my now chosen career path but I'm done trying to figure it out and work it out. Either I'll have one of these positions offered to me by the end of the month, or perhaps a job through a friend, or some other source of income, or I'll move. Now that I've truly surrendered my life and the outcome to Him, I'm at peace. I reached the end of my rope, knowing I had a safety net under me the whole time. I want to stay here for many reasons, but I yield, knowing I've done all I can.

Some coping strategies I've already discussed many times. Those would be prayer, asking the angels for help, meditation, chakra balancing, and Reiki. I've been doing that daily for some time now, as well as my "I Am" and manifestation statements. So I'm talking about strategies when you're already doing all that regularly and you still get down.

Other things I do include taking a long soak in the tub with the bath salts I make (and sell) for negative energy clearing. They truly do work! I formulated it with essential oils designed to help release negative energy, oils with proven benefits. I've been formulating for 17 years now so I know my oils, their properties, and how they work together. Sometimes these days I also use my detox formula bath salts, to clear my body of the toxins that come from negative feelings and the environment, as well as foods. I also get outside in nature when possible, and commune. I use a natural sleep aid when needed, to be sure I get the rest and sleep I need. I use the MidNite brand you can find in most stores because it doesn't leave you sleepy in the morning, is all natural, and non-habit forming. I try to eat well, but I'll confess to still being a "cravings driven" eater. Today it was chili dogs and a homemade pizza - oh well. But most of the summer my main meal of the day was a salad with a little bit of marinated pork on it. I don't eat many sweets, chips, or junk food, and mostly drink herb tea. Exercise is another good way to lift your spirits, help you feel better about yourself and your life. It also helps you make better dietary choices, so you can see I'm not currently working that particular strategy.

People and pets can also help. Snuggling with or petting an animals is great therapy for stress or when you get the blues. Playing with a pet often brings us out of ourselves and making the effort can lift our spirits. It's also a form of giving, and that's a huge way to lift your spirits. One way I give to others is doing Distance Reiki on people and animals. I always have a list of people who want it from me regularly because of ongoing conditions. Another way to give to people is to simply reach out to them and give them whatever they need at the time, or what you need. I often end up talking to someone else who is down and helping them. By the time I'm done, I feel better. Sometimes just reaching out to someone in love gives you the love you need to feel better. I don't mean telling your problems, I mean just contacting them and chatting. Getting together in person is the best but often not possible, so the phone or Facebook chat works too. And sometimes all you need to do is to get busy with whatever you should be accomplishing. Concentrating on school work, or writing a blog or paper, can bring you out of whatever had you caught up. So can the physicality of house cleaning or doing dishes or other chores. Sometimes just the routine movement of chores can give your brain a chance to work out whatever is troubling you. Sometimes you come up with solutions or new perspective through any of these strategies.

I've given you plenty of ideas that can work. I've had to use all of them at different times. I have to struggle almost every day, so when I tell you they work, I know what I'm talking about. Almost every day at some point during the day I have to pick myself back up. I live with physical pain every day. Most days it hurts my hands to do just about anything including typing this blog. Since March, walking hurts every day. And most of last year walking hurt for a different reason. And I get headaches most days too. On top of that, I've been living in instability and uncertainty for four years now, often never knowing how I'm going to pay my utilities or feed the cats, even going without food in the house, electricity, hot water. So when I say I've surrendered all my needs to God and am now at peace, that's a huge thing to say. And when I tell you these strategies work, you can know that I use them often and know what I'm talking about.

There are No Minor Negative Thought Patterns

I just found myself thinking that the fastest way to make the phone ring was to go outside without it. I also thought the fastest way to finally remember to bring up a trash bag was to place the trash can by the steps. The first is actually a negative thought pattern and the second one is a strategy. By seeing the trash can on my way downstairs this time, I remembered to grab the bag I needed as soon as I came down. The first one may seem positive and they may seem similar but it's not and they aren't. First of all, my mind was trying to manipulate circumstances beyond my control, to make things happen, and in a negative way. The ideal would have been to have the phone on me and for it to ring with that call I've been awaiting. But instead of fixating on it, I simply need to be in the flow and let things happen as they will. I surrender my needs to God every day and it's not true surrender if you keep it on your mind and fret about it. Nor is it surrender if you're trying to manipulate circumstances in some way. So that thought about the phone was a signal to truly let go.

Even active energy workers who regularly work on positive thinking can get sucked back into a world of anger, unhappiness, and negativity. It happened relatively easily too. If you haven't cleared all old negative thought patterns, you can get sucked back in without even knowing it. Even those of us who have gotten rid of them for the most part can get sucked down when a bunch of things "go wrong." I had the best job interview last week that I've ever had. Before it was over I was told he'd call the next day (a Friday) to set the next interview for Monday with the regional manager. When I didn't hear from him I called last thing Friday, but haven't heard a thing since. Thing is, I've finally (with help) decided on a career. Two Fridays ago a friend was saying I should become an optician and I got so excited because the one job I loved was as Director of Education for the national non-profit that provided the training for opticians. I loved it so much that I studied our materials and attended our courses and became certified as an optician. So this would connect the best of my past to my current and future life. I immediately went on Craigslist and applied for a job, got a call on Sunday, had the interview on Thursday. It sounded like a perfect fit and that I was pretty assured of getting the job. Then this - no call, no return call, no interview. Now that I finally know just what I want to do and be, it's very frustrating and very hard to stay positive.

Even if you're working your "I Am" and manifestation statements, meditating, doing devotions or your equivalent, it's very easy to get sucked down. And if you have seemingly innocent negative thought patterns left over, it's even easier. Things like, "I know it will rain the day of the picnic. It always does" are not minor. Nor is it minor to think that if you take your umbrella it won't rain but if you don't it will. If you're running late and can't find your keys and think "that figures," that's a negative. It's part of a belief system we develop that says that you can expect trouble, and that trouble comes on top of trouble. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I had two very negative things happen within a half hour that caused me hardship. Yet more good came out of them than "bad," and I made it through the hardship without mishap. I could have wallowed in the hardship or acknowledged the good. It was hard to entirely acknowledge the good with my whole heart because I still have this job thing on my mind and heart. But that's what I have to do. And I have to get back to the place where I surrender truly, including the job I so want. I do have to say that my attitude toward the double trouble was not, "Of course trouble comes on top of trouble." Instead, I was very grateful to have both hardships going on at once, knowing they'd be over my today. One day of entirely going without was better than two partial days. It's all about expectations. I expect good things to happen unless proven otherwise and then I look for the lesson and how to change things. For the most part, I take "misfortune" as an opportunity to learn, grow, and heal. And to reinforce that, it's written into my "I Am" statements that I do that. So while I'm not always thrilled to have hardships and be learning yet another lesson, I take it as such. My attitude is different therefore, and I find it easier to flow with circumstances.

For the most part, I've cleared my negative thoughts and when one shows up and I recognize it, I get rid of it. I usually say, "Cancel, alt, delete" to say "I don't mean it" to the universe. Then I replace it with a positive thought. Every time you do that, you're retraining your mind to work on more positive levels. Over time, you do reform your thinking patterns, get rid of old negative patterns, and transform your life. The more you expect the positive, the more of it you're going to get. That's simply a universal law. It's called the "Law of Attraction," which is basically "like attracts like." So when you are putting out positive thoughts, positive reinforcement returns to you. But it also works with negative. I've had quite enough of the negative in my life and am ready for the positive so I've taken control of my thoughts. And it's so been paying off. It's worth the little bit of effort involved.

We develop negative thought patterns as we grow up and as adults experiencing the every day world. They become so ingrained that we don't even notice them. They're self-perpetuating. And it's actually part of a total belief system! It mirrors your beliefs about yourself, your life, and the world and the way it works for you. See, it's certainly no small or minor matter! It's an overall "everything happens to me" belief. I realize it may seem like this is a little disjointed but it's being rewritten with more compassion in mind. Originally it was written with several people I know in mind. Last night I was having trouble coping with my wants about this job and the silent phone. So I used Doreen Virtue's Angel Oracle Card decks - several in fact, searching for answers. One valuable lesson was about unforgiveness of self and others. I realized I was still blaming my ex husband for my current circumstances and problems. I don't want to be stuck in that so I released a lot of it. Another message was about compassion, working with Archangel Uriel, the "Psychologist Archangel." I've never worked with that angel before and it was a wonderful message and confirmation. Some of you know I've just started a degree program in psychology, to enhance my effectiveness in one of my missions for God. The message with Uriel is that he/she doesn't force change on anyone, but will help when the person is sincerely ready. Then the person retains his/her dignity and free-will. I realized that I've been feeling rather intolerant toward a few people lately and that I need more compassion. I need to not be blunt and judgmental, and I can be. The problem is that I'm working so hard to rise above all the problems in my life that could be entirely crippling and I see others who have it so easy compared to me, yet complain. And that's just total negativity on my part! Through the hardships yesterday I was led to draw cards and got a valuable lesson. I can lack feelings of compassion when I'm stuffing my feelings in order to retain an attitude of positive thinking. It also shows I still need to go further in surrender. True surrender wouldn't require stuffing feelings. So I still have further to go with that.

I will tell you two key words to look for and eliminate - "always" and "never." First of all, they simply don't belong in any relationship or in use toward any person or being. They are false illusions. People don't "always" or "never" do or think anything. They are very destructive words in a relationship because they fail to acknowledge any effort on the part of the other and the ability to change. They are also destructive words to use about ourselves, even if used in the positive. They're unrealistic, even if used in the positive. So if these words are in your vocabulary, please pay attention to when and how you're using them. They're usually a red flag.

Negative jokes are also signs of negative thought patterns, no matter what they're about. One of my pet peeves is those who think they're funny when they use "cheap" humor that's a put-down, like calling it "Taco Smell." People who do that regularly are those who are trying too hard to be liked. It's also very negative humor and no negatives create a positive. It's simply impossible. Yet positive plays on words are actually very funny. I'm still laughing over one from my good friend, Nick. We passed a sushi place and he just started singing, "If you knew sushi like I know sushi... Oh, oh, oh what a fish." (For those of you under the age of 80 and not named Susie, it's a very old song. "If you knew Susie like I know Susie... Oh, oh, oh what a gal." But he and I both know and love old music so I immediately got it. It was very clever and funny.)

I used to make silly little negative jokes about myself until someone lovingly called me on it. My favorite was to sing, "If I only had a brain" when I was having trouble thinking. My daughter and I had a whole slew of them and occasionally I'll indulge in one with her just for the familiarity and bonding. But I always know it's negative and try to entirely stay away from it. Yet a very positive one is lines from the movie "Space Balls." Generally, quoting movie lines is funny or cute, especially if you share a love of the movie. Nick will say, "May the Schwartz be with you" and I'll say, "And also with you." I have several friends who quote "Groundhog Day" with or to me (gee, imagine that - which another example of good humor that isn't negative, understatement). It's hard to get rid of all the self-depreciating humor, which tells me I still have some residual negative beliefs about myself. Part of total growth and healing is truly paying attention to these little signs and using them to learn, heal, grow, and change. That's what I keep telling you it's all about - an ongoing process that gets easier as you go along. Negative jokes about ourselves are actually the worst kind because we're making a joke at the expense of mentally and emotionally beating ourselves up! What could possibly be funny about that? Others may laugh, but I truly wonder what they're then thinking. Certainly, I think it's an invitation to others to make jokes at our expense. And it's got to show that we value ourselves less than we should.

So if your life is not all you wish it to be, if there's anything at all you wish to change, I suggest you pay attention to these thoughts and the things you say. This includes things you say to others as well as just to yourself. Controlling our lives and reaching our desired outcomes starts with controlling our thoughts and attitudes. It's in the things we say - they reflect our true attitudes.

Results of Doing Your Work with "I Am," Manifestation Statements, Angel Work

For just over a year I've been working with some of what's in the title. I'd have to go back to my spiritual journal to see exactly when I started with what. I keep two journals - spiritual and personal. Everyone who journals handles things differently. I document my journey as best I can in my spiritual journal and write headlines at the top of the page so I can easily find things. Near or at the beginning of this journey, my Reiki Master suggested that I document it so that I can guide others. It felt right and somewhere along the line I found out that it truly is one of my missions. I use my personal journal for working out feelings and identifying them. Remember, this is something I've struggled with my whole life. I've talked about the importance of journaling before - that's what that one is for.

More than a year ago I started working with manifestation and "I Am" statements. The manifestation statements have barely changed during this time. After a few months of working with them, I entirely manifested a large portion of the first set of statements - "a cozy home of my own with the cats that suits us entirely." I was very clear about what I wanted and needed in that home. The funny thing is, it manifested in full all in one room! After I moved here in November, I changed that to manifesting the ability to stay in this cozy home of my own..." Later I added a paragraph about manifesting "true happiness and all the blessings, benefits, and abundance that is a part of that." I also added some specifics about what that would look like, including "abundant health and wellbeing." I have specifics in there based on my ongoing needs too, like "ability and agility." When working to manifest you have to be clear but not get into specific details. As Mike Dooley says, leave the "cursed how's" to the universe. It's right for me to ask for ability and agility, which I need to do my work. I'd be getting into too much detail if I asked to be a size 8 or 120 pounds.

My "I Am" statements have evolved much more than my manifestation statements. As I've become aware of limiting beliefs from childhood and erroneous life lessons, my statements have changed to counter them. These are also manifestation statements of a sort. I use them to manifest faith and belief in myself and Creator. They are written to strengthen my belief in things I already know about myself but need to reinforce and to create more belief where I have doubts. They're also written to strengthen my belief in blossoming gifts as they appear. I also use them and write them to move me into new habits, away from patterns or behavior that no longer suits me. So these are very powerful tools.

Next I added in my angel work and that's been added to over and over. Some I got from Doreen Virtue's book on "Archangels and Ascended Masters." There's a wonderful index in the back that tells who to call on for what. I looked up who does what for my main issues and read about each. I found some who work on multiple issues of mine or who do the aspect that I need, and settled on them. She has a prayer for working with them to manifest what you need, for each. Then I stated working with my first deck of her Angel Oracle Cards, recommended to me by my Reiki Master. These are the "Angel Therapy" Angel Oracle Cards. The cards I pulled for personal messages perfectly fit with what I needed (of course) so I added in the prayers for those. And in that way I've added to this over time.

The theme here is that I use all this to reinforce my faith, enhance and change myself and my life. Almost every day I start my day with prayer, first gratitude, then for myself and mostly for others. As I said the other day, I now surrender all my needs, my relationship with money and with others, and my thoughts and feelings about them to God. Then I greet my Council of angels and guides by name and speak with them. I want to get to know the ones I don't, and get to know many of them better than I do. I want to walk with them, talk with them, get to know them and commune with them, and know who to ask and thank for what specifically. In the meantime, I greet them and tell them of my love for them. Because even those I don't know well I know I love. And I thank them for their help each and every day, and ask for their messages and help in all ways they can give it for today. And if I have specific concerns, I address them and ask for help. Angels and guides don't need recognition but gratitude and acknowledgement always helps. It's less important to know who to specifically ask and most important TO actually ask, and express gratitude, and so I do. Then I read my "I Am" statements, then my manifestation statements aloud. Then I move on to asking specific angels and guides for help in specific ways, which I call my "angel work" as in the above paragraph. I have found all this to be entirely transformational, which is why I try to do it each and every day. It sets the tone for my day. First thing each day, I give myself, my life, and my day to God, "to guide, lead and direct." Then I do the above to ensure the flow of my day. I work with guides during the angel time to keep serenity in my day. And it truly works! I absolutely never know what my day is going to be like. I start each day with a basic plan, what I believe I need to do that day but it never comes out that way. I never know who is going to call on me for what each day, only that most days someone will come to me in need. Starting my day in this way enables me to be responsive to their needs and my own.

You need to know that I work through and live with physical pain every day. I don't often allow it to slow or stop me but it does sometimes dictate the flow of my day. Remember, I've said that I absolutely don't live my ideal or perfect life. I'm in the place of becoming. I never want you to think that my life is a piece of cake or I have it made. You need to know that none of what I do is any easier for me than anything you're going through. The entire difference is that I do all this work every day, including working with angels. I've developed deep faith in myself and Creator, angels, and the goodness of life. I've developed my ability to see progress and have belief. I've just told you exactly how to get to where I am. And where I am is in a truly beautiful place of faith, Love, and Joy. I've come so far, and this is how I've gotten there. This is the core of how. I've also been working on myself and my issues every day. I am open to Divine and angelic messages, messages from guides and trusted sources. Because I'm open and listen and have been, I easily recognize the messages when they come in. I don't need to be hit with a 2 X 4 to get it so it comes gently and easily. I used to have a lot of those 2 X 4s and I can tell you how hard it is to learn that way. Part of my serenity comes from no longer needing messages delivered in that way.

Recently my faith and belief has gotten a huge boost. Sometimes it seemed, along the way, that the progress was very slow. But doing all the above every day helped me develop faith and belief, and I could see some of the things working along the way. I was reinforcing it all every day, which is necessary to real growth. And so worth the time I gave to it each day. Now all this has taken on new life. I am reading my "I Am" and manifestation statements in a new way, with real belief. I now say, "I AM..." to all of them instead of "I am..." in a weak and simply hopeful way. And so they are more powerful than ever. Now, whenever anything at all disturbs me in the slightest, I know what to do, have multiple resources. Today I didn't get a phone call I really wanted about a job interview, for example, and I was feeling slightly insecure about my chances. I reminded myself first that what's meant to be will happen. I then reminded myself that if it's not this specific job, it will be a better one. I'd really like to be done with all the time and trouble involved in job searches and interviews. But  I've surrendered my needs and that means you let go of the outcome, don't second guess or worry. You have faith that the best will happen. And that's what has gotten from my head down into my heart and back - that only the best for my personal growth is going to happen to me, and that Creator uses whatever happens for my personal best. I learn, grow, and heal from all of it. And I believe that in the things that truly matter (and most of what we end up getting upset about or caring about in the moment is not truly important in the long run), Creator is in charge and will work out the best outcome. I said a quick prayer, then took a nap and did Reiki on myself. I have no idea why I needed the nap but I listened to my body. The Reiki was to take advantage of the rest period, and because at the time I was feeling a little disconnected, having a little trouble thinking about how to help someone with Reiki - a specific need. So I did Reiki to think things through and reconnect myself. I have no idea why I didn't get that phone call but it could just be that the guy's time got away from him today. It doesn't matter - the outcome will be as it should be. If I don't get the job it will be harder on me than any of the other jobs I didn't get, but I'll just keep going with my plans. Because now I've been led in the right direction - I feel it and know it. I won't let one closed door shake me. You need to understand that this so truly matters to me. The only other job I wanted like this one was last year when I applied for the job of Groundhog Club Coordinator - the only job position with my beloved group, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club! The job I'm waiting to hear on is not just a job as most of the others would have been - it's a career choice, once closest to my heart. It would bridge the best of my past with my present and future. Which is why I know that if it's not this particular one, it will happen for this career. So for me to say that I've let go of the outcome and have faith - that's a huge statement. And perhaps that best illustrates the results of doing the title of this post.

The Journey's Been Worth It!

Yesterday I posted about the energies these days. I forgot to say that my readership has held steady at about 50 views a week for several months now, and has suddenly jumped to over 100 in the last week! As I said, things are now moving fast! It was "hurry up and wait" for so long and now it seems like "light speed" to me. I used to know the exact figure for how fast that is and am about to relearn it.

As I've shared so many times, two years ago I entirely realized that life as I knew it was over. It was like there was a giant earthquake under my world and it was all gone in a flash. It didn't really happen that way - was about a year in coming actually. But by September 2010 I knew I had to put the guy who was my husband in jail. That was a very tough decision to come to. By then we'd been together for 10 years, 24/7, and I'd been a member of his family for about 40 years by then. I'd promised to take care of him on his mother's deathbed. It hardly gets heavier than that. So I knew I was no longer going to be doing network marketing with him. I had to face that I wasn't good at any of the businesses he'd selected for us. That left me with no job and I'd been out of the regular work force for 10 years by then. It was coming up on my 55th birthday and I realized that I had to do a complete "do over" and that it would be my last one. My kids were grown so I didn't have dependents (outside of caring for my abusive elderly mother, who had her own income). So I realized with some encouragement from a wonderful friend that it was finally my time. While raising my kids I limited my options and activities totally based on their needs. While married to their father I also felt very limited, as I was in my 2nd marriage. I always said my time would come, once the kids were grown and gone and no longer needed me full time. (That helped me devote to them while they were in my care and also helped me release them when the time came - no apron strings.) With an entire re-do, I knew it was my last great chance to make my life about using my gifts and talents, and answering God's call. I'd known I had a mission here on earth but didn't know what. Now the time was right and I devoted myself to that. I also devoted myself entirely to healing myself of all my past, becoming the best me I could possibly be.

I've worked at it steadily, non-stop ever since. Sometimes it seemed like I wasn't making much progress but I was. Sometimes the messages from God and the angels, the insights, were few and far between. Then they sometimes came in bunches. The same was true with learning, clearing myself, and developing my spiritual gifts. It used to take close friends to show me how far I'd come - wonderful, loving new friends from my soul group. Now I see it for myself. Oh boy do I see it!

One of the first things that happened just about exactly two years ago today (I'd have to pull out a journal to tell you the exact date) was that I acted on a suggestion from a dear friend from my old life, in the 1990s. She suggested that I become a mobile notary when I asked her for advice on piecing together income without going out and getting a regular job. I figured, rightly, that I'd have trouble doing that living out in the country and with so long out of the regular job market. A series of calls led to a talk with a stranger who told me about Reiki. He told me I'm a healer and that I needed to be attuned. At the time I'd never heard of Reiki. I checked into it 2 weeks later and got my attunement near the beginning of October 2010. When he told me about Reiki he said not to do it if I wasn't ready for my life to entirely change, for new worlds to open to me. He told me I'd find out about worlds I never knew existed. I told him I was so ready, and truly was. And he was so right. It's made all the difference in the world. I just borrowed Diane Stein's "Essential Reiki" from him. While reading it, I laughed when she said that with your Reiki I attunement you learn to and start healing yourself. Your Reiki II attunement opens your emotions and spirituality, and things really start to happen after that. And how! I had my Reiki II attunement November 2010 and it truly did start opening all those doors to knowledge and growth. She says the Reiki III attunement brings pure joy. With that, I remembered that day, in October 2011. Yes, I was so full of joy by the time I walked out of the place that I was practically dancing in the street and it lasted way beyond the next day.

All of a sudden... but remember I've been working at all this the whole time, and have been working on manifestation and "I Am" statements for just over a year now. So, "all of a sudden" I find myself in the most wonderful place. This month, for the first time since March, I'm not having the mid month fear set in, knowing I have to come up with the rent money soon and don't have a job. I finally got to a place of perfect faith! I started about 2 weeks ago or so entirely surrendering my needs to God. You have to understand that "surrender" means to give up the outcome. That's what I did. Then about a week ago I also started surrendering my relationship with money to Him (and when I surrender all my relationships to Him, which I now do, I include my thoughts and feelings about).

As soon as I did that all kinds of things started to happen including wonderful channeled messages, opportunities to learn, and contact with my soul group opening up. It's brought me great joy and life. It's also furthered my faith. So faith led me to greater faith, and very quickly.

About a week ago I realized that co-dependency is the underpin of what remains to be released in me. One of the problems with this is that my natural personality contains many of the traits of co-dependency. So when this was first revealed to me as insight as I tried to further my healing and growth, it was a bit daunting. Then I realized that I don't have to try to redo my entire personality to keep this from hurting me - it's just a matter of balance. I also went through about a week where I got to see exactly what's left in me that needs healing, which again was momentarily daunting. But as I surrendered all my needs, I was quickly shown that this is more of the progress and growth, the last of what I need to clear and not that bad or much. I got to also see how far I've really come. I've had a lot of help getting here recently. Nick Lamia, who has the Gaias Oneness meetup.com (Pittsburgh) has been doing wonderful extensive treatments on me that cause great release. He's very gifted and wonderful, and I know these sessions are a lot of why I've been able to see what's left and how to clear it. You can contact him through that meetup even if you aren't in the Pittsburgh area. He's recently taken over that group and is starting to hold meetings this month. The other great helper I've had is Rebekah Gamble. She is also very gifted in many ways, including as a Spiritual Counselor. You can find her contact information through Asian Brocade, her Etsy store. (Go to Etsy.com and type in Asian Brocade.) Rebekah is also about the become a Reiki Master/Teacher. Nick is a Reiki Master/Practitioner about to become Master/Teacher, as I am. In fact, I get the privilege of attuning both of them! (We do things for each other, just as I work on myself. No one around me is idle or acts dependent on others. We take responsibility for our own wellbeing. I don't work with those who don't. Also, there's no way those who don't can truly be called "gifted." It might be there within them, but it remains underdeveloped.)

I am now finding my life coming around full circle and all the pieces of me I lost along the way are being restored. And it's actually now happening very quickly - that's the way the energies are these days. If there's anything at all you wish to change in or about your life - the time is now!

The New Energies - What's Happening Now

I understand that to a lot of your my views are rather "out there," and that some have differing views. Please understand that what I post are my views and understanding and that I don't claim to be an expert. There are certain things I feel I know. They have come from multiple chains of information including angelic messages, other informed Lightworkers and things I've read. When they come from multiple sources and I feel the confirmation within me, it becomes a "truth" depending on the strength of the sources and the inner confirmation. However, I'm totally open to the possibility that I could be wrong on any of it and I never push my views on others.

I happen to believe that Ascension is coming, and that something major toward it is happening at the end of the year. I don't believe the earth will be destroyed but I believe there will be major changes in our systems of living and coping, navigating. I also believe we're all feeling the energy shifts moving us toward that and have been for some years. I've seen that the major shifts in my life (and in our economy) are aligned with the timeline for when these shifts started in earnest. That's helped me be a believer. And I'm very sensitive to the energy shifts going on this year. Now that Fall is setting in and the year end is coming, I'm really noticing the change, the speeding up occurring in the frequency and power of these shifts. And Monday night I got a full confirmation that other Lightworkers were feeling it too, as I was. That truly helps. Most activated and active Lightworkers are aware of what's going on. All it takes is a little "face time" with others of the kind to confirm that it's the energies, not something just going on with us. Those who have not been activated are being buffeted by these changes and aren't aware of why and that's harder. Maybe you suddenly have conflict with someone "out of the blue," and wonder why. Or a relationship abruptly comes to an end, or one starts. You may suddenly lose your job or have it change drastically, may be required to move to another state or town. Rather than normal life occurrences, these could be changes coming about as people around you react unknowingly to these energy shifts. These things can especially happen to activated and active Lightworkers as we're put in place for the roles we've taken on.

On Monday the 10th there was a great message about what's going on from Nibruancouncil.com. One of the things happening to prepare us for the shift is that our very DNA makeup is changing. At least, that's happening in very active Lightworkers. We've been working diligently to clear out old emotional blockages and "baggage," so that we can be transformed and shift our energies to the higher frequencies being activated. These are frequencies we've never experienced in this or any other lifetime so we have no genetic memory to help us reference these experiences and reactions. Last week was very interesting energetically. My friends and I experienced a lot of discomfort (sometimes part of shifting) during the beginning of the week, then rapid messages and release starting mid week. For me, last Wednesday was mild and pleasant. Another Lightworker friend took me to lunch and we had a great visit. I learned a lot I needed to learn about crystals and chakra balancing and clearing. And I was given a message from the angels about bringing my favorite rocking chair upstairs to my healing room to facilitate meditation. Nothing huge and earthshaking, just very pleasant, helpful, and enlightening conversation.

Then things really started happening late Thursday afternoon. A friend I work with energetically was here, as he often is, and we started channeling an angelic message for each other. We were each given a portion of the message we were both supposed to hear, about how we're to be working together, why, what will happen with it. The thing about each being given a portion of it is that it confirmed our working together and the validity of the message. Friday I was given a life changing occupation idea from the same person who said something unaware that it would lead me to Reiki almost exactly two years ago. I just "happened" to call her that night. I haven't talked with her all year and it was time and the time to do that and nothing else made itself available. In my life and heart, that was the biggest thing that happened all week, all month, all year. I acted on her suggestion and applied for a career position, not just as job as I had been doing, late Friday night. Saturday I worked out a major relationship glitch with someone that transpired at the beginning of the week when the energies were "off," which means, doing the shifting while we felt it. Also Saturday I found out that there's someone who can help me with the last bits of healing I need to finally overcome past abuse. Sunday, I was called to set up an interview based on the resume I sent Friday night. Monday was the Reiki Exchange and I got my confirmation of all that's happening. I also got to link in Thursday friend with my soul group and had a significant release during a group Reiki session. I could add in other things that happened during those few days - those are just the major highlights.

None of these shifts are all of a sudden. None of the things that are happening like I just described are all of a sudden either. The earth has been shifting and clearing just like those of us who have been moving forward as Lightworkers have. And I truly mean "working." Those of us who are truly active have been working on ourselves for years, including clearing out what no longer serves us as we go along. Some of us had this urge written within us without knowing why or recognizing it as such. Some knew there was a higher purpose. So too these earth, atmospheric, and energetic shifts have been happening for year, and are now coming on stronger than ever.

Please do read that Nibruancouncil.com weekly article from September 10. She also has articles you can read about recoding your DNA. If you have any interest, please read all you can. The September 10 article has links to some of that. My only complaint is that there's so much to read if you've just started. And if you start from a link in that article you can get rather confused going from one link to another to answer the questions that come to mind. Under her picture in the middle of the page left to right, she has links to past article series. If you don't know what a Lightworker is or wonder if you are one, the "Starseed, Walk-in, and Lightworker" series has some really helpful articles. If you don't understand the DNA thing, there's a good series on that. The one on the challenges of awakening also contains very helpful articles. As I recall, someone from my soul group informed me of her website nearly 18 months ago, and I've been receiving her weekly articles ever since. I know it's been more than a year at least. On the left side column under "areas" you can find a link for all past articles and I especially recommend you read the articles under "Ascension Tools." I'm about to re-read the Multidimensional Keys of Compassion" because I didn't entirely "get it" when I first read it back then. It's time to read it again and see where I am with it. Remember, I'm here if you have questions or comments, need advice, etc.

For Those Who've Been Abused or React As If You Have

First I want you to understand why I'm writing this. Many people were abused and don't realize it. Maybe someone's told you that you display personality traits of someone who was abused as a child. Maybe you've noticed self-traits that mirror someone you know who's been abused. Maybe you have a trace of memory but just aren't willing to "go there." For all of you I just described, please read on. The other day I talked with a friend about her co-dependent personality traits and relationship patterns. She knows that usually comes from abuse, often seen in Adult Children of Alcoholics. She didn't think she fit in either category. But as we talked over some things she volunteered how critical her mother was, detailed her disapproval when the child erred, her perfectionism. Only my friend can say how abusive this was or wasn't, but we found the root of her dysfunction. Because as nice as co-dependents are, it truly is a dysfunction. I've come to see that co-dependency is an imbalance in all my major character traits. Some I've really taken control of and balanced but recently I've come to see how truly out of balance some of these traits still are. And I've set intent to heal from them, to create real balance and get better control of my life, my choices, and my emotions. I'm going at it from many angles (aptly, I first mistyped that as angels), which I don't have room for in this post but will detail as soon as possible. And I'm still on my quest, very active for nearly 2 years now, to uncover and heal the last of the emotional scars and issues that are blocking me from truly thriving in all areas of my life, that still cause pain.

No matter how you were abused - physically, sexually - whatever, there was also emotional abuse. Often emotional abuse is the "only" kind we received. But there's no such thing as "only" when it comes to abuse. It underlies all the other types - it all deeply affects our emotional health. And I fully believe that most dis-ease if not all, stems from emotional causes.

One of the biggest problems of being "only emotionally abused" is that it's often so very subtle. I've been in three long term emotionally abusive relationships, starting with my mother. In that one, the sexual abuse was very subtle and open to interpretation. The first thing I want to tell you is that if you perceive it as abuse, it was! The perpetrator is certainly not going to be the one to validate abuse! And in subtle cases, you can't go on the opinion of anyone else. I have had so many bad experiences with going to the pain of telling my truth in detail only to have the experiences discounted as not being abuse! Even a professional can make such a mistakes I'm sure, although that hasn't been my experience. Every professional I've spoken with quickly noticed the cues of an abuse victim, and therefore validated my experience. But even those I've considered close friends, or open-minded, have discounted me. Notice I said discounted me, not my experiences. Because when it happens, you feel you're being discounted too. So I would be very cautious about who you share these details with.

I buried the memories of the sexual abuse until I was months from my 35th birthday. But as a child, I registered the wrongness of what was being done to me along with the memories. In those memory files were all I actually perceived, felt, experienced - the shame, humiliation, guilt (from brainwashing, being told it was all my fault it was being done to me), anger, feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, to just name some. When specific memories were uncovered, all those feelings came pouring out along with being so present in the memory that I felt I was viewing it happening all over again. It was very painful but cleansing and necessary. Before that, my experiences often ruled my reactions and actions without me knowing why or having control. After uncovering the memories, I was better and better able to make choices and reprogram. Off and on I've been working on healing from it all ever since then. That is to say, I work on it every time another issue from it comes forth. I very actively worked on it for 2 years starting in 1990, with the first recovered memory, then not quite as actively for the next 5 years. A few years after that I entered into in a sexually abusive marriage and quit making progress. Then I got my Reiki I and II attunements Fall of 2010, got out of that marriage, and started very actively working toward recovery. However, I then had the added abuse to deal with. But it's much different dealing with it from an adult perspective, when the abuse happened in adulthood. It's much worse being betrayed by a parent than a spouse, and worst of all if it's the mother. Because the mother is the major nurturer, or supposed to be. Anyway, you register things differently as an adult, and deal with things differently. Your formative years are over by then, and you have at least somewhat consciously (in most cases) ignored cues and willingly entered into the abusive relationship. That's one of the problems with unhealed issues from childhood abuse of any kind - as adults, if unhealed in any major way, we tend to choose a spouse who will duplicate the abusive pattern for us. Some of us do it over and over. But please note that I'm not saying abuse received as an adult is lesser. Abuse is abuse, no matter the form or the age of the victim. And all abuse is extremely destructive to the self.

In the second abusive relationship I was an adult and the abuse was very subtle. It was a spouse who was very closed off about feelings, issues, and things. He came from a family where you didn't even discuss pet peeves much less confront anyone or discuss issues with each other, and where the physical affection was skewed. So were his role models. So the abuse was silent disapproval, and eventually a series of lies. I never knew what I was doing wrong or why I wasn't measuring up - only that I wasn't. That's so hard because unless you're very strong in your sense of self, you can't help but internalize the message that there's something wrong with you or in some way you aren't good enough, or even both. But when the other person is in denial and tells you there's nothing wrong, it can make you feel absolutely crazy! It's another time when your perceptions are entirely invalidated and you become very confused. It really reinforced the confusion I internalized as a child. The way I describe it is learning that at home, the sky is green and the grass is blue but when you get to school it becomes the other way around. And you see that everyone else thinks the sky is blue and the grass is green, but you've been absolutely taught to believe that at your house it's different. So you learn to feel entirely "different," & like a misfit. You realize you're the only one in the world with blue grass and a green sky and you just don't know what's wrong with YOU. Because of course there's nothing wrong with those we totally have to trust and depend on - our parents.

Shaming is emotional abuse. So are disapproving looks, sighs, the silent treatment, tone of voice, ignoring you or your needs, and demeaning words, as long as there's a chronic pattern of them. On an occasional basis, all that's within the norm of relationships - we're human. The problem comes when it's an overall pattern of treatment. But these are usually very subtle and therefore more easily internalized that blatant abuse like beating someone up. And the subtle abuses are the most damaging to our selves. And then many of us go on to learn to abuse ourselves. There are so many ways to do that - going from one abusive relationship to another, any type of addiction, self destructive habits, self cutting - more than I can think of at the moment. Sometimes we purposely inflict pain on ourselves to feel in control of the emotional pain we feel, to create a kind of numbing. Other times we play the abuser to ourselves to feel more in control of what's happening to us. Sometimes we just feel we don't deserve anything better.

I'm doing some online reading on a site written by an adult victim of childhood abuse - so very obviously, from the way it's written. It's really painful reading and I'm not sure I'll end up sharing much of it or the specific site with you. I'm not sure how soon I'm going to revisit the subject of abuse in this blog or in what capacity. Eventually I'll share things that are working to create self-healing. I may also share more of the issues. And certainly if there's some aspect you want me to cover, let me know. I always welcome comments - BUT. If you want to comment on this one, I insist you use the comment button at the bottom of this blog post. I don't want this aired on my personal Facebook page for all to see.  

Setting Personal Boundaries

We all have and need personal boundaries, and all relationships have and need personal boundaries. Wikipedia says, "Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him/her and how he/she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries define you as an individual, outlining your likes and dislikes, and setting the distances you allow others to approach. They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, institutions and self-esteem." It goes on to say, "According to Nina Brown, there are 4 main types of psychological boundaries: Soft - those people who merge with other people's boundaries. They're easily manipulated. Spongy - a combination of soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion (picking up the emotions of others) than soft but more than rigid. They're unsure of what to let in and what to keep out. Rigid - closed or walled off so nobody can get close to him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often someone who's been abused in some way. Rigid boundaries can be selective based on a bad experience. Flexible - the ideal. The person decides what to let in or keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion, manipulation, and is hard to exploit."

Wikipedia goes on to say: "Narcissists (according to Hotchkiss) don't recognize they have boundaries and that others are separate and not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Others are treated as if they are a part of the narcissist and will be expected to live up to his/her expectations. In the mind of the narcissist there is no boundary between self and other." I quote this part because my mother, the only parent who raised me, the only parent I knew, was an extreme narcissist. Therefore I have a great deal of trouble setting boundaries - so much so that I often don't know what I truly think or feel. Then my 2nd and latest husband, was a narcissist whenever he was in his Mr. Hyde mode, which appeared without warning. So I have just come to see that co-dependent behavior is at the root of all my remaining issues. One problem has to do with setting and enforcing my personal boundaries. I don't even realize when I haven't. But when I end up annoyed with someone more than once, I need to look at my boundaries because I've come to see that's an identifying feeling for me. Other problems I have from co-dependency and being raised by a total and classic narcissist is that I have trouble thinking for myself. I also have trouble identifying my true feelings, needs, and body cues. At times this is severe in me, down to not recognizing the need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom after years of delaying these things.

My defining characteristic seems to be "sweet." That's the single most often used word for me. Back in the 1980s there was a Tupperware manager meeting, involving about 30 of us. Our leader had each of us write a one word description of each other person in the room on one side of a piece of paper, and the individual's name on the other side. Then we were each given a basket with all 29 descriptions of ourselves. Mine was such a shock to me, as all 29 said "sweet." I've come to realize that co-dependents are indeed "sweet." We're the nicest people in the world to those we bend over backwards for. The challenge is to remain "sweet" but in balance while drawing and asserting our boundaries, which I'm starting to do. So, how does one learn to set boundaries? I'm really glad I researched this because I came up with a very helpful website on healing from abuse - joy2meu.com. Most of the following guidelines are from that site, the personal boundaries page. I forget where the first 4 come from.

1) Do it clearly and with as few words as possible. Also, don't do it in anger. 2) You can't do it while taking care of the other person's feelings. As long as you don't do it in anger, you aren't responsible for how the other person takes or perceives it. 3) Anger, annoyance, rage, complaining, and whining show that boundaries (limits) need to be set. 4) When the boundaries are tested, follow through on enforcing them clearly.

1) Know you have the right to protect and defend yourself. It's actually our duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. 2) State your feelings out loud and as feelings, not a state of being - "I feel..." not "I am..." By stating it out loud we're affirming our rights to have our feelings. We're also taking responsibility for our own reality. It is vitally important to own our own voice, to own our right to speak up for ourselves. Now, also from joy2meu, a list from the rest of the article. 1) Become aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like. 2) Learn to be emotionally honest with yourself, how to own your feelings, and how to communicate in an honest and direct way. 3) Learn to communicate without blaming - not "you make me..." but "I feel..." 4) Learn the difference between being and doing (behavior) so as not to judge yourself or others, only evaluate the behavior for yourself. 5) Recognize we are powerless over others so use words to describe what you feel or want and what you'll do to protect yourself against unwanted behavior toward you. 6) Stop interpreting and start describing direct action/behavior. Not "when you humiliate me..." but "when you call me stupid..." Note: usually the person will pretend innocence or ignorance. By further describing and detailing specifics of the behavior we plant seeds of consciousness. Then you tell how you feel from it. "I feel..." no "I am..." or "you make me..." It's self-affirming plus you're validating and affirming your right to feel. Or "I want" but not what you want to feel, but the action you want that will create the feeling you want. 7) Some boundaries are rigid and need to be, like no lying, cheating, abuse. 8) Boundaries come in 3 parts - "If you..." then "I will..." (what you'll do for protection) and "If it continues I will..." (further enforcement). An extreme example: "If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary." You don't always have to add in the third part because parts 1-2 set the boundary. The third part is more for us to know. You don't want to plant seeds of ideas or set yourself up needlessly. You do have to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce your boundaries though. Set consequences you're totally willing to enforce. Example: If you aren't willing yet to leave the relationship you could say, "If you... I will start considering all options, including leaving this relationship." Because you have to mean it. Otherwise you're taunting and inviting breach of boundary when the person knows you can't or won't follow through. 9) Unless a behavior is truly intolerable, allow the person some leeway to make behavior changes. And the consequences should be realistic for what the behavior is. leaving someone because he/she slams a door is generally extreme but confronting the behavior verbally isn't. So a consequence might be, "I'll confront your behavior and ask for an explanation. If you continue, I'll insist we go to counseling. If you won't go to counseling I'll consider all options including leaving this relationship." 10) Set consequences that impact the other more than you. If you ground a child for a month you have a month of being grounded too, for example. 11) Setting boundaries is not a threat, control, or punishments - it's natural consequences of behavior. It's taking control of how we let others treat us. It's not manipulation  because when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome. it becomes an "if" "then" rather than being about control. It's up to the person if he/she does the behavior - only what you'll do, your follow through is in your control. Setting boundaries is taking control of our choices, the quality of our lives.

Co-Dependency

A new theme for the week - co-dependency, boundaries, and healing from emotional abuse. Many victims of abuse and Adult Children of Alcoholics become co-dependents and don't even realize it. I am all three of the above. Yesterday it became apparent to me that co-dependency is the basis for my overriding character traits and "issues." I once mistakenly thought that I'd broken the bonds of co-dependency when I got out of my first marriage, a co-dependent relationship. A wise friend tried to tell me, "Once a co-dependent, always a co-dependent" but I didn't see it. It's like being an alcoholic - you can go on the wagon and stay there, never take another drink - but you still have the tendencies. So it is with co-dependency, and you need to be aware of it. Awareness is at least half the battle. Most people don't even know what it is, even if they are one. It's so subtle if you don't know. Co-dependents are the nicest people in the world. They mirror the things people want out of them, traits people admire. But it's out of balance. They give too much to others and too little to themselves.

I have no idea where I'm going to end up on the spectrum of traits as I heal but I'm determined to get my tendencies under control. I looking up the traits so I can identify them and transform them, I found a great site on healing from emotional abuse. Emotional abuse underlies all other forms of abuse. Sometimes emotional abuse is the entire thing, and that can be very hard to identify as the truly destructive abuse it is. Also, many don't realize that all other forms of abuse have emotional abuse as the underlying edge. More on all that in tomorrow's blog.

I made a list of the co-dependency traits I see in myself. This is not meant to be a whole list, only what I've identified with. And for now I'm going to break my tradition of only speaking the most positive to list them here. We have to face the truth about ourselves and know ourselves as we truly are. This means we recognize, admit, and accept the things we need to change about ourselves. We also have to forgive ourselves, which requires recognition first. Then, with knowledge, we set intent to change whatever we can that works against us in our lives, that comes from within. This is always my quest and goal. So here is the list:

I feel most comfortable when giving. I attract or find needy people to take care of. I try to please others instead of myself. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for things that happen and the feelings of others. I try to be all things to all people at all times. I have difficulty saying "no" and setting boundaries. My self-esteem is connected to accomplishment. My self-esteem is connected to doing "good." I try to prove that I'm good enough to be loved. I seek permission from and the approval of others. I regularly set aside my needs to fulfill the perceived needs of others. I'm afraid of making mistakes. I must be in control of myself at all times. I find it hard to be myself in some relationships, especially romantic ones - I'm a chameleon. I feel guilty when I assert myself. I lack trust in myself, my decisions and actions. I have a great deal of difficulty identifying my "bad" feelings. I have difficulty handling interactions with authority figures and I fear them. I'm confused about who I am and where I'm going in my life on a daily basis. I have too much going at once to do justice to anything. I carry a deep sense of shame. I'm highly critical of myself. I avoid arguments at all cost and don't react appropriately to them - I take it all on myself. I apologize when someone else errs. I find it hard to believe in myself. I find it hard to take care of my own needs. I'm way too busy but "someone has to do it." I often feel inadequate. I try too hard to be "nice." I feel obligated to someone if I accept help. Feeling vulnerable makes me very uncomfortable, nervous, and scared. I allow my social circle or interests to decrease or disappear when in a relationship, and my attention, focus, and life revolves around and reflects the other person. I change my values and opinions based on what the other person says. I feel responsible for "fixing" things for others. I minimize, alter, or deny how I really feel. I do not recognize the unavailability of those to whom I am attracted. I look to others to provide my sense of safety. I have trouble setting healthy priorities. I am extremely loyal, and remain in harmful situations way too long. I use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. I have an impaired ability to know what "normal" is. I experience guilt feelings when I stand up to someone instead of giving in. I ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening, pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.

To come up with this list, I Googled co-dependency traits, as I recall. There are some that were too painful and personal to write in this blog. There were some too painful to admit to myself, so I didn't even write them down. I find myself unable to deal with them at the moment. I bookmarked the sites with the most painful ones, so I can go back and do the work when I'm ready. From all this I see how desperately I need to stay in denial of some of this, and how deeply ingrained all this is for me. I see now the pervasive consequences of growing up as I did, living what I lived. The sexual abuse from my mother stopped when I was old enough to tell, but the emotional abuse didn't stop until last June, when she permanently left my house to move into a skilled nursing facility. This actively removed her from my life and therefore stopped the abuse finally.

I have shared all this because there are so many of us out there! If you think you see yourself here, or you have a hunch you've been abused in some way, I urge you to seek help. We truly can overcome and heal, as I fully intend to. Counseling with someone trained in these issues is one of the best ways. There's also a great group - CODA, which is Co-Dependent's Anonymous. You can find them online, and find meetings to attend.

Facing the above list made me feel physically ill, and mentally. I had to walk away. I felt so sick, hopeless, and helpless. But I have to say, upon reflection, that I've already been working on many of the things on that list. Some describe past tendencies of which I need to be aware, but have largely to somewhat conquered. I've made real progress in identifying ways I harm myself because of co-dependency and stopping them. I've eliminated abusers from my life - mainly my mother and second ex husband, and I set clear boundaries these days with users and those who try to engage me in unhealthy ways. I'm working on identifying them and setting those boundaries, and dealing with the discomfort involved. And these issues have come forth and fully presented because of all the internal work and healing I've done and been involved in. I am now to the bottom and deepest layer of what no longer serves me, what no longer works in my life. This is true progress, although it hurts more than I can say. That's the problem with lifelong abuse that begins in formative years, especially from a parent, and much worse when it's the mother - it becomes the fabric of your being. I've been working on healing and recovery since July 1990, when I first uncovered my buried childhood memories. It hasn't been steadily intense - it comes in layers as presented. The first part was extremely painful because the memories were deeply buried and I had to face them. Now I find this extremely painful as well, as I face the truth of what more needs to be done. But I also see that I've come to very far! Most of my relationships are extremely healthy, giving, unconditionally loving, and mutual. For example, my relationships with my children, especially my daughter, are nothing short of miraculous. I was a non-recovering co-dependent most of the years I raised her, totally unaware of what I'd lived. She was 8 when I first remembered what I lived, and 9 when I first got into counseling. And now I have my deep faith, and communion with God and the angels to help me deal and heal. I didn't have that back then. And I have Reiki, and the giving love of many friends and family members. I have a strong and active support group and an even stronger will to heal completely. I fully intend to discover and uncover who Jenny Lea truly is without the mantle of abuse, to weave a new underlying fabric that is purely me.