Co-Dependency

A new theme for the week - co-dependency, boundaries, and healing from emotional abuse. Many victims of abuse and Adult Children of Alcoholics become co-dependents and don't even realize it. I am all three of the above. Yesterday it became apparent to me that co-dependency is the basis for my overriding character traits and "issues." I once mistakenly thought that I'd broken the bonds of co-dependency when I got out of my first marriage, a co-dependent relationship. A wise friend tried to tell me, "Once a co-dependent, always a co-dependent" but I didn't see it. It's like being an alcoholic - you can go on the wagon and stay there, never take another drink - but you still have the tendencies. So it is with co-dependency, and you need to be aware of it. Awareness is at least half the battle. Most people don't even know what it is, even if they are one. It's so subtle if you don't know. Co-dependents are the nicest people in the world. They mirror the things people want out of them, traits people admire. But it's out of balance. They give too much to others and too little to themselves.

I have no idea where I'm going to end up on the spectrum of traits as I heal but I'm determined to get my tendencies under control. I looking up the traits so I can identify them and transform them, I found a great site on healing from emotional abuse. Emotional abuse underlies all other forms of abuse. Sometimes emotional abuse is the entire thing, and that can be very hard to identify as the truly destructive abuse it is. Also, many don't realize that all other forms of abuse have emotional abuse as the underlying edge. More on all that in tomorrow's blog.

I made a list of the co-dependency traits I see in myself. This is not meant to be a whole list, only what I've identified with. And for now I'm going to break my tradition of only speaking the most positive to list them here. We have to face the truth about ourselves and know ourselves as we truly are. This means we recognize, admit, and accept the things we need to change about ourselves. We also have to forgive ourselves, which requires recognition first. Then, with knowledge, we set intent to change whatever we can that works against us in our lives, that comes from within. This is always my quest and goal. So here is the list:

I feel most comfortable when giving. I attract or find needy people to take care of. I try to please others instead of myself. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for things that happen and the feelings of others. I try to be all things to all people at all times. I have difficulty saying "no" and setting boundaries. My self-esteem is connected to accomplishment. My self-esteem is connected to doing "good." I try to prove that I'm good enough to be loved. I seek permission from and the approval of others. I regularly set aside my needs to fulfill the perceived needs of others. I'm afraid of making mistakes. I must be in control of myself at all times. I find it hard to be myself in some relationships, especially romantic ones - I'm a chameleon. I feel guilty when I assert myself. I lack trust in myself, my decisions and actions. I have a great deal of difficulty identifying my "bad" feelings. I have difficulty handling interactions with authority figures and I fear them. I'm confused about who I am and where I'm going in my life on a daily basis. I have too much going at once to do justice to anything. I carry a deep sense of shame. I'm highly critical of myself. I avoid arguments at all cost and don't react appropriately to them - I take it all on myself. I apologize when someone else errs. I find it hard to believe in myself. I find it hard to take care of my own needs. I'm way too busy but "someone has to do it." I often feel inadequate. I try too hard to be "nice." I feel obligated to someone if I accept help. Feeling vulnerable makes me very uncomfortable, nervous, and scared. I allow my social circle or interests to decrease or disappear when in a relationship, and my attention, focus, and life revolves around and reflects the other person. I change my values and opinions based on what the other person says. I feel responsible for "fixing" things for others. I minimize, alter, or deny how I really feel. I do not recognize the unavailability of those to whom I am attracted. I look to others to provide my sense of safety. I have trouble setting healthy priorities. I am extremely loyal, and remain in harmful situations way too long. I use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. I have an impaired ability to know what "normal" is. I experience guilt feelings when I stand up to someone instead of giving in. I ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening, pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.

To come up with this list, I Googled co-dependency traits, as I recall. There are some that were too painful and personal to write in this blog. There were some too painful to admit to myself, so I didn't even write them down. I find myself unable to deal with them at the moment. I bookmarked the sites with the most painful ones, so I can go back and do the work when I'm ready. From all this I see how desperately I need to stay in denial of some of this, and how deeply ingrained all this is for me. I see now the pervasive consequences of growing up as I did, living what I lived. The sexual abuse from my mother stopped when I was old enough to tell, but the emotional abuse didn't stop until last June, when she permanently left my house to move into a skilled nursing facility. This actively removed her from my life and therefore stopped the abuse finally.

I have shared all this because there are so many of us out there! If you think you see yourself here, or you have a hunch you've been abused in some way, I urge you to seek help. We truly can overcome and heal, as I fully intend to. Counseling with someone trained in these issues is one of the best ways. There's also a great group - CODA, which is Co-Dependent's Anonymous. You can find them online, and find meetings to attend.

Facing the above list made me feel physically ill, and mentally. I had to walk away. I felt so sick, hopeless, and helpless. But I have to say, upon reflection, that I've already been working on many of the things on that list. Some describe past tendencies of which I need to be aware, but have largely to somewhat conquered. I've made real progress in identifying ways I harm myself because of co-dependency and stopping them. I've eliminated abusers from my life - mainly my mother and second ex husband, and I set clear boundaries these days with users and those who try to engage me in unhealthy ways. I'm working on identifying them and setting those boundaries, and dealing with the discomfort involved. And these issues have come forth and fully presented because of all the internal work and healing I've done and been involved in. I am now to the bottom and deepest layer of what no longer serves me, what no longer works in my life. This is true progress, although it hurts more than I can say. That's the problem with lifelong abuse that begins in formative years, especially from a parent, and much worse when it's the mother - it becomes the fabric of your being. I've been working on healing and recovery since July 1990, when I first uncovered my buried childhood memories. It hasn't been steadily intense - it comes in layers as presented. The first part was extremely painful because the memories were deeply buried and I had to face them. Now I find this extremely painful as well, as I face the truth of what more needs to be done. But I also see that I've come to very far! Most of my relationships are extremely healthy, giving, unconditionally loving, and mutual. For example, my relationships with my children, especially my daughter, are nothing short of miraculous. I was a non-recovering co-dependent most of the years I raised her, totally unaware of what I'd lived. She was 8 when I first remembered what I lived, and 9 when I first got into counseling. And now I have my deep faith, and communion with God and the angels to help me deal and heal. I didn't have that back then. And I have Reiki, and the giving love of many friends and family members. I have a strong and active support group and an even stronger will to heal completely. I fully intend to discover and uncover who Jenny Lea truly is without the mantle of abuse, to weave a new underlying fabric that is purely me.