Setting Personal Boundaries

We all have and need personal boundaries, and all relationships have and need personal boundaries. Wikipedia says, "Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him/her and how he/she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries define you as an individual, outlining your likes and dislikes, and setting the distances you allow others to approach. They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, institutions and self-esteem." It goes on to say, "According to Nina Brown, there are 4 main types of psychological boundaries: Soft - those people who merge with other people's boundaries. They're easily manipulated. Spongy - a combination of soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion (picking up the emotions of others) than soft but more than rigid. They're unsure of what to let in and what to keep out. Rigid - closed or walled off so nobody can get close to him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often someone who's been abused in some way. Rigid boundaries can be selective based on a bad experience. Flexible - the ideal. The person decides what to let in or keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion, manipulation, and is hard to exploit."

Wikipedia goes on to say: "Narcissists (according to Hotchkiss) don't recognize they have boundaries and that others are separate and not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Others are treated as if they are a part of the narcissist and will be expected to live up to his/her expectations. In the mind of the narcissist there is no boundary between self and other." I quote this part because my mother, the only parent who raised me, the only parent I knew, was an extreme narcissist. Therefore I have a great deal of trouble setting boundaries - so much so that I often don't know what I truly think or feel. Then my 2nd and latest husband, was a narcissist whenever he was in his Mr. Hyde mode, which appeared without warning. So I have just come to see that co-dependent behavior is at the root of all my remaining issues. One problem has to do with setting and enforcing my personal boundaries. I don't even realize when I haven't. But when I end up annoyed with someone more than once, I need to look at my boundaries because I've come to see that's an identifying feeling for me. Other problems I have from co-dependency and being raised by a total and classic narcissist is that I have trouble thinking for myself. I also have trouble identifying my true feelings, needs, and body cues. At times this is severe in me, down to not recognizing the need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom after years of delaying these things.

My defining characteristic seems to be "sweet." That's the single most often used word for me. Back in the 1980s there was a Tupperware manager meeting, involving about 30 of us. Our leader had each of us write a one word description of each other person in the room on one side of a piece of paper, and the individual's name on the other side. Then we were each given a basket with all 29 descriptions of ourselves. Mine was such a shock to me, as all 29 said "sweet." I've come to realize that co-dependents are indeed "sweet." We're the nicest people in the world to those we bend over backwards for. The challenge is to remain "sweet" but in balance while drawing and asserting our boundaries, which I'm starting to do. So, how does one learn to set boundaries? I'm really glad I researched this because I came up with a very helpful website on healing from abuse - joy2meu.com. Most of the following guidelines are from that site, the personal boundaries page. I forget where the first 4 come from.

1) Do it clearly and with as few words as possible. Also, don't do it in anger. 2) You can't do it while taking care of the other person's feelings. As long as you don't do it in anger, you aren't responsible for how the other person takes or perceives it. 3) Anger, annoyance, rage, complaining, and whining show that boundaries (limits) need to be set. 4) When the boundaries are tested, follow through on enforcing them clearly.

1) Know you have the right to protect and defend yourself. It's actually our duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. 2) State your feelings out loud and as feelings, not a state of being - "I feel..." not "I am..." By stating it out loud we're affirming our rights to have our feelings. We're also taking responsibility for our own reality. It is vitally important to own our own voice, to own our right to speak up for ourselves. Now, also from joy2meu, a list from the rest of the article. 1) Become aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like. 2) Learn to be emotionally honest with yourself, how to own your feelings, and how to communicate in an honest and direct way. 3) Learn to communicate without blaming - not "you make me..." but "I feel..." 4) Learn the difference between being and doing (behavior) so as not to judge yourself or others, only evaluate the behavior for yourself. 5) Recognize we are powerless over others so use words to describe what you feel or want and what you'll do to protect yourself against unwanted behavior toward you. 6) Stop interpreting and start describing direct action/behavior. Not "when you humiliate me..." but "when you call me stupid..." Note: usually the person will pretend innocence or ignorance. By further describing and detailing specifics of the behavior we plant seeds of consciousness. Then you tell how you feel from it. "I feel..." no "I am..." or "you make me..." It's self-affirming plus you're validating and affirming your right to feel. Or "I want" but not what you want to feel, but the action you want that will create the feeling you want. 7) Some boundaries are rigid and need to be, like no lying, cheating, abuse. 8) Boundaries come in 3 parts - "If you..." then "I will..." (what you'll do for protection) and "If it continues I will..." (further enforcement). An extreme example: "If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary." You don't always have to add in the third part because parts 1-2 set the boundary. The third part is more for us to know. You don't want to plant seeds of ideas or set yourself up needlessly. You do have to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce your boundaries though. Set consequences you're totally willing to enforce. Example: If you aren't willing yet to leave the relationship you could say, "If you... I will start considering all options, including leaving this relationship." Because you have to mean it. Otherwise you're taunting and inviting breach of boundary when the person knows you can't or won't follow through. 9) Unless a behavior is truly intolerable, allow the person some leeway to make behavior changes. And the consequences should be realistic for what the behavior is. leaving someone because he/she slams a door is generally extreme but confronting the behavior verbally isn't. So a consequence might be, "I'll confront your behavior and ask for an explanation. If you continue, I'll insist we go to counseling. If you won't go to counseling I'll consider all options including leaving this relationship." 10) Set consequences that impact the other more than you. If you ground a child for a month you have a month of being grounded too, for example. 11) Setting boundaries is not a threat, control, or punishments - it's natural consequences of behavior. It's taking control of how we let others treat us. It's not manipulation  because when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome. it becomes an "if" "then" rather than being about control. It's up to the person if he/she does the behavior - only what you'll do, your follow through is in your control. Setting boundaries is taking control of our choices, the quality of our lives.