Our closest family - children, parents, siblings, spouse or significant other - can hurt us more deeply & know how to "push our buttons" better than anyone. Usually it's not done on purpose, but it still hurts. Often power struggles are set up within the home that adversely affect all the occupants. And as I've said, home needs to be your place of safety.
I believe that certain things need to be outlawed in the home & in these relationships. It's called setting personal boundaries & you have every right to do so, & must. I believe you need to have certain safe words or phrases & words & phrases that are off limits, for one thing. I'll do a whole blog on fighting fair & different styles/ways of handling disagreements & get further into this. But I believe that in all cases you have to have a set way to tell the other person to stop, that you've reached your limit, or not to "go there."
We all have certain things that will wound us immediately, especially certain words. For me, please don't use the words "crazy" or "nuts" or "insane" & absolutely don't compare me to my mother unless in the most favorable sense. This all stems from growing up with someone who is undiagnosed in her mental illnesses or disorders & my fears of being like her in any way. It's my #1 trigger. We all have them. Figure out what yours is & outlaw it in your home & these relationships. Then figure a way to enforce it, some consequences if someone "goes there" with you.
I also suggest outlawing being cursed at or yelled at. That will never be productive, only tears down the relationship & you. Please don't do it & don't allow it to be done to you. Being frozen out is another no-no. My latest ex used to go around not speaking to me for several days whenever he felt he wasn't getting enough of the kind of attention he wanted. Of course, it made me want to give him attention even less, especially since it was always about sex. I walked a constant tight rope between having sex whether I wanted to or not to avoid those multiple cold shoulder days, & how long I could go without having to have sex. Because I very quickly hated having sex with him. It was an obligation rather than a joy. Please don't use sex as a weapon or to keep the peace. It entirely ruins something that should be beautiful. At this point, I wouldn't care if I never have sex again after 10 years of obligation!
You need to avoid being frightening to someone you care for, & find a way to fix the situation if you're the one being frightened. I was always threatened with loss if I didn't give my ex enough sex. He'd either take a girlfriend or move out, which would have left me without a place to live due to economics. Yelling, cursing, & threats are very frightening, take away all sense of safety, ruin the dynamics of the relationship & the home. Throwing things falls into that category also, & should be outlawed.
Clear & calm discussion is what's needed. It can't take place during the "heat of the moment." Rather than letting things get to that point, there needs to be respectful, honest communication when the problem is noticed. Part of setting boundaries is being clear about our needs & that needs to be reciprocal. It needs to be done with all honesty, heart, & respectfully so we're heard clearly. Mirroring is a wonderful technique my daughter reminded me of. You have your say & the other person is silent. Then the person says what he/she thinks you said while you're silent. Then you affirm or correct & the other person mirrors it back if there was a correction. Once you know the person heard what you said it's his/her turn for the same process. You each stick to "I" statements of feelings & beliefs that doesn't assign blame to the other person. Like, "When you forget to stop & get what I asked for, it makes me feel like I don't matter." Rather than, "You never think of me. You always forget to get what I wanted," which is accusing, assigning blame. Which brings me to more outlawed words - absolutes like "always" & "never." Honestly, we just don't "always" or "never" do things & it completely negates any effort the other person makes, invalidates him/her.
I suggest you outlaw all disrespectful words & phrases, such as "shut up." When my kids were young we outlawed it in the home to the degree that when reading a Dr. Seuss book that contained it, we crossed it out & wrote in "be quiet" instead. That's much more respectful. Once you think about it, you'll come up with your own list. Just pay attention to what pushes your buttons & the buttons of those you love. It's up to you to set the tone for your relationships. We can't force others or get them to do things we aren't willing to take responsibility for, both in how we're treated & how we treat others.
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