Toxic People, Toxic Relationships

Mid 1990 I started reading a book called, "Toxic Parents," by Dr. Susan Forward. She has many great books out there, and this one changed my life. I didn't get very far into it, and actually couldn't read most of it because it just hit home too much. It had the effect it needed, in the first couple of chapters. It's what brought me out of denial about the sexual abuse I faced, and all the other true abuse, from my mother. Until then, I was so in denial, so brainwashed that I didn't remember what I'd lived.

We've all had toxic people in our lives. One clue might be someone you say "drives you to drink." My most recent had very dramatic effects on my body, and fairly immediate. After the first couple of weeks of contact with this person, the mild eczema on my hands encircled my wrists, then climbed my arms! When the person went on vacation, it gradually went away without treatment. I realized this person was very uncomfortable to be around - was not at all in my comfort zone. When the eczema spread so much in just one day, I realized the tension from this person had to be the cause. And with the person gone, the theme of toxicity is so potent that I have to write this blog despite the fact that I don't want the person to read it and recognize him/herself. Every time I avoid a subject for this blog I get stuck and can't write any of them. I'm learning.

Some of us attract toxic people and apparently I still do. I do my best to limit them in my life. I help them if I can but set real and very strict boundaries to avoid problems in my life. I ended up with this person before I recognized the toxicity, which is what happens to all of us who attract them. Those of us trying to get healthy would never otherwise allow them in our lives. I said I help them if I can but I don't believe a non-professional can help them. I find the best thing is to eliminate them from my life as quickly as possible. That might sound very harsh but it's really not. I forgive all people all things, but that doesn't mean we forget. It also doesn't mean we allow others to adversely affect our lives, and toxic people do. They usually don't mean to or realize they're doing it, but that hardly matters in the overall affect.

For me, toxic people are those locked in hate, rage, bitterness, anger, and drama. They are those who speak everything that comes to mind no matter how cruel, blunt, or invasive. Invasiveness is common among toxic people. They try to control you, get you to answer to them, jump to their priorities, dominate your time and attention, try to get you to agree with them. They try to draw you into their dramas and get you to rescue them while they take no action to change things or themselves. When this topic first came to me, I was thinking these things characterize toxicity in relationships for me. Now I realize they're universal, unless you're one who's locked in drama yourself. Young people often are. Most mature adults move way past that.

Many of us have toxic people in our lives, and have decisions to make about those people. Years ago I severely limited contact with my mother because my emotional health simply couldn't stand having her as a frequent part of my life. I owed it to myself and my children, who were young then, to limit that contact. I limited their contact with her to keep them from her toxicity, which she very much spread on them too. I limited my contact so I could continue to work to overcome her effects on me, to better parent them, and to improve my life. In general, limiting contact with a parent isn't a good thing but in this case, it was the healthiest thing I could do for the innocents involved (me, my children, my first husband).

I still haven't found a good way to tell someone they're toxic, and that I'm going to limit their role and contact in my life. I ease myself away, put up boundaries and distance myself. I'm not sure there is a good way, since a truly toxic person isn't ready to see that. Perhaps the only thing to do, when you can, is suggest professional help from a qualified mental health expert. I encourage you to recognize and release yourself from those who are toxic to you. I also encourage you to get professional help if you keep attracting these kinds of people, so you can learn why and break that pattern. That option isn't available to me at this time, so I'm putting it to prayer, self-examination, careful thought. My current economic situation led me to this person, and I'm working to improve my situation to change all that. I'm doing all I can at this point to get this influence out of my life.