We do truly create our own reality and I've talked about this before. The last time I discussed it in detail was January 8, 2013. Tomorrow I'll post the follow up I was writing to that post and couldn't quite finish. As I said yesterday, that theme has been showing itself to me very dramatically, especially all through January. I'll come back to this. I was doing a lot of things right to try to change my reality, but a whole lot wrong based on past messages and learned behaviors. I really have made tremendous progress in healing my inner self. I didn't really realize, though, how badly I was treating myself. It's a lifelong pattern, perpetuating abuse upon myself as a learned behavior. When you slip back into those old patterns, and start using old coping mechanisms that no longer serve you, you entirely lose track of what you're doing and why. That's how it becomes a trap.
I wasn't taking care of myself, despite the fact that I teach that we aren't unlimited resources. I'd fallen back into giving myself the bare minimum of care to survive. I kept telling myself things would get better in my life, without changing the pattern I was playing out. I was also entirely denying myself the things that fuel my energy, which are creative endeavors. I was feeding my soul with daily prayer, meditations, and things - part of what I was doing so right. However, I was denying my spirit what I need to thrive - my art and crafts. I was too focused on making myself do the things I thought I should first. The problem is, there will always be more of those - they never get done. As soon as you finish one "important" or "urgent" thing, another comes up. That's modern life. It's worse when you're struggling for survival. What I was doing was the equivalent of how some people bargain with God. "If I promise to do this, and this, and this, please..." I was making myself do all "this" and "that" and not allowing myself time for self care or for my passions and interests. I lost my ability to cope and help others when I persisted in this, and got myself into a very desperate state.
Monday night when I hit rock bottom and began reaching out, God met me at my point of need. Because I'd been doing that part right, I recognized it. Because I've been trying to learn the lessons as they come, heal myself, and be aware of what wasn't working, I recognized the opportunity to build when presented. I won't go into all that wasn't working, but one of the things that became apparent to me in January is that I need to start working Creative Wellbeing Fulfillment again, and find other home based businesses and ways to create a healthy income flow. I've been working to help someone start multiple businesses and getting very frustrated in the process because she was not participating in this. Therefore, my efforts to make money helping (which I was relying on) haven't been manifesting as promised. That's when my business dreams started to revive, and I began praying in earnest about them. I shared them with some friends, and true to form for me, found support for these feelings, and shared goals. I've been "holding the space" of getting these businesses started for each of us along with these people since. I've been helping them as I've been setting intention for myself - always a good thing, especially for a giver. As I've said, I'd been getting quite a lot of it right. The problem was, I had so many key things wrong, like focusing on lack for so long. I understand why, that it's so human, and I'm not beating myself up about it. Instead, I'm doing something about it.
When I checked into the Site Nite program it sounded like something I really needed. It was something about how to get unstuck in your life and create prosperity, the life of your dreams - something like that. I've heard it all before, I thought. Still, I knew I was called to go and was looking forward to it. When I got there I was happy to see a charming lady I've discussed essential oils with every time we're both there. Then I saw that the front table had a display about doTerra Oils and figured that the program had been switched. I've sat through so many business opportunity and sales presentations, and that wasn't what I'd come there for - wasn't the promised program. Still, I wondered if this meant it was time for me to give up my reserve about the quality of the oils and sign up to sell them when I got some money together. Remember, part of Creative Wellbeing Fulfillment is my own essential oil blends made into spa-type products to help with common problems. Remember too, I'd been getting the message and setting intent to start my own businesses.
It turns out it was the promised program, not a sales or recruiting presentation. I also discovered that this woman was one I'd thought of taking classes with on Law of Attraction and such. She reached me and many others during her presentation when she shared oil blends with us and their uses with positive affirmations. She shared which oils were in the blends and why, the uses of each. All of it was just what I needed to be hearing, and I was very impressed with her oil usage and knowledge. Most people look for signs in threes. I get them in multiples beyond threes if you count every single one, the small and major, and Tuesday night was no different. One of the final signs was when she passed around two vials of lavender essential oil. One vial was what I considered the absolute best I've ever encountered, my measure of the quality of lavender oil, and the other was doTerra. When I smelled that ultimate oil and compared it with the doTerra, for the first time I noticed a sharp and artificial note in my former favorite, and how much stronger and more pure the doTerra was. It was the sniff-test equivalent of speaking my language, and convinced me that the company claims are true. Remember, I've been working with a variety of oils for 17 years now. Afterwards I told her that was the ultimate test for me, and I'm ready to sign up to sell the oils as soon as I get the money together. I was told how I can start up without the cash, and start making money right away. That was the final sign for me that the tide had turned because that's exactly what I need. That's the beginning to the answer of starting my businesses - how, what, and when. It's also the beginning of the answer to my income needs. Earlier that day, I'd also been given a lot of insights in riding around with a friend for about 3-4 hours. That friend was talking about living her dream - freelance writing, working on her novel, putting her energy every day into making this happen. She dropped out of academia after going all the way through college to almost completing a doctorate degree, so that she could live a life in alignment. She's doing what I want to do, and we discussed that I can too. The doTerra is doing with her oils and businesses what I want to do, and I know she can help me do the same.
It's all starting to come together all at once because I hit rock bottom, but was working toward better along the way. I was doing a lot right, and kept trying to build a better life for myself. I was trying to heal myself. I learned so much along the way, and was ready to take this opportunity to create change and finally build the life I want. All that energy that I've been putting into survival is now starting to go into creating the changes I want. I'm getting back on track with intent and all the things I know to do. I've become aware of how punitive I was being with myself and am in the process of stopping that, choosing healthy giving to myself and self care. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm not going to expect that. I'm allowing myself the time to make the changes, keeping positive with myself. That means I'm no longer perpetuating the idea that I have to wait for what I want in my life or further "pay my dues." I don't have to get all the nasty stuff done like bills and housecleaning, before I do things for myself like a nice soak in the tub, pleasure reading, or painting. I don't have to do all the "shoulds," which never GET done, before all but the most minimum "wants." My biggest goal at this point now involves giving to myself rather than giving to others. That never means I'll neglect others. I don't have that in me and that would also be denying one of my big needs. It means I'm now focusing on being good to myself and true healthy pleasures instead of just surviving. I'm in the process of switching my focus and therefore my behaviors. I'm starting to treat myself with the kindness, respect, and consideration I always give to others no matter how they behave!
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