Most of us spend so much of our lives waiting for the time when things change and get better. When we're young and in school we can hardly wait to grow up and be on our own. When we're raising young kids we can hardly wait for certain phases or chores to be over. We look forward to no longer changing diapers, dealing with the terrible twos, homework issues, the teen years. I touched on this in yesterday's blog. The irony is, that when you've been out of the situation for awhile you look back and finally see the good times and things you missed appreciating at the time.
It's only natural to wish some things away. Some things truly warrant that, too. What comes to mind is living with abuse or poverty, in substandard conditions. People who live those things find all kinds of coping mechanisms to whisk themselves away, to survive. They're healthy, but they become so automatic that we lose control of them. The result is that later it's a very elaborate process to bring forth the things we need to heal from. I've seen it in my own life and I'm witnessing it in another young woman I'm helping. Fortunately for her, we have the same drive to heal and the same goals. We're both determined to heal and release all past hurts and unhealthiness. We've determined to uncover old patterns of thinking and beliefs about ourselves, and change them. I've been working at it for many years now off and on, and steadily for almost 2 years. I'm able to help her with her process, guide and encourage her and love her through it. It's a great honor and I consider what I've been through as a learning ground to help others.
Every time I go back to Maryland I go back to the neighborhood where I raised my children. Each time I go there I'm stunned by how I feel about the area and the life I had there. What amazes me is that each time I feel I've come home. Yet while I lived there I often failed to appreciate what I had, and I was so very eager to leave when I did. Part of what played into that was my feelings about Maryland itself. Most of the time I lived in that state (38 years) I didn't want to be there, at least partially. I never wanted to move there in the first place, and I never entirely let go of that. I moved there when I turned 15. By then I'd already lived in 4 different states, gone to 4 different schools, and lived in 7 different houses or apartments. I was established in a high school I loved, taking sophomore courses as a freshman. The move caused me to leave a vast number of friends, lose course credits, and go back to junior high. I moved to the D.C. area of Maryland and it was a zoo compared to what I was used to, which was a much more conservative area and people. So I held it all against Maryland.
When I was pregnant with my first child I moved to the Annapolis area and started liking the state much more. But I didn't end up liking the house we chose and I was unhappy in my marriage. It was about an hour from where we had lived so I had to make all new friends and was a stay-at-home mom, and we didn't have enough money. During my 19 years living in that house I had so many difficult struggles and by the time I left I was burnt out and eager to get away. That led me into the arms of my 2nd husband, who ended up being my 2nd most abusive relationship (my mother being the first). This is why the sense of home when I return amazes me. By the time I left I had a real love/hate relationship going with the house and my life.
Around 2007 my daughter moved back to that neighborhood, which caused me to start visiting the area again. That's when I first realized that it truly had been home. I began to fully see and appreciate the life I'd created there. I returned to the church where I raised my kids, and my church family welcomed me with all the love I remembered. I still have friends in the neighborhood, and wonderful memories. Several visits purged me of the unpleasant memories, the ghosts. Now all that remains are the good times. The pain fades with time. If I want to, I can pull out the bad memories. They aren't gone, but the pain is. It's like viewing something from afar, not being touched by it. And now the things that come to mind are all the best times and the only pain is that I miss them, and some of those involved. Those are the things that can still make me cry. But even that fades with time. Time really does heal, and bring perspective. It's only natural and you don't even have to work at that one.
On this trip I was drawn to the last place I lived in Maryland, on my way home, and gave in to it. It's where I lived with my 2nd husband, the abuser. It's the 2nd time I've visited the home I left behind, and this time it was very healing. I found myself crying the whole time I drove up to the place and around it. Instead of shutting off my feelings, or rushing myself, I gave in to it all. I allowed memories of all the places along the way to fill me, and remembered things like walks along the country road. As I've done at my old house in the Annapolis area, I drove slowly and tried to determine what I created that was preserved by the new owners. While there I had truly put down roots, bonded with the land and the animals. I dug in the soil and created beautiful gardens of lavender and roses, bushes and flowers. I never loved the house itself because it never felt like mine. I had moved in with him into what had been his mother's home. It stayed her house and her stuff no matter what I did. But I so fully loved the area and became a part of it. I left part of myself behind in my gardens and what I created there. I cried as I released the painful memories and embraced the good ones. And I mourned my loss, which is also a necessary step.
I hope this hasn't come out as a hodge podge of emotions and thoughts. What I'm trying to tell you is that as much as you can, you need to appreciate the present moments. You need to appreciate what you have when you have it because each moment is gone in the next. I've always found it difficult to stay in the present. For many years I stayed focused on the past while wishing the future would hurry up and get here. It might sound like that's what I did on this trip but it's not. This trip ended up being about acknowledging, releasing, and healing the past. It was jolting but healthy. It provided perspective. It's also caused me to examine how fully I'm living in the present now. Doing that means stopping to enjoy whatever you can that's around you, appreciating what is rather than what you what you want to change. Looking at things with change in mind brings progress but we also have to learn to appreciate the beauty of what is. Truly stop and smell the roses before you decide to prune them. Watch the sunsets and the gaze at the stars. Stop and enjoy the breeze, and thank God for all as you do these things. And of course, please appreciate all the good people in your lives. And tell them exactly how and why you appreciate them, regularly. These are all conscious choices we can all make on a daily basis.
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