Most people think they're good listeners but aren't. There's a big difference between hearing and truly listening. Listening is a necessary skill that has to be developed, and makes all the difference. Most mistakes and conflicts come because of poor listening skills.
Oral communication is a two-way process and great communication requires a precise speaker and skilled listener. Unfortunately, no matter how clearly and accurately you speak, unless you know the skill level of your listener or take steps to make sure you've been heard accurately, costly mistakes can occur. The truly frustrating thing is that most people appear to be listening and retaining information when they aren't. We don't find that out until later. It's a huge burden to a speaker to have to be on guard against poor listeners and that's why I'm writing this blog.
When I was away 2 weeks ago, I had a very nice and willing young lady staying here taking care of the cats. I told her they get a can of food every morning. I told her I open a capsule for Whiskers and that he has the one unique bowl. I then told her I pour the juice from the can into his bowl and only give him a little of the meat, mixing the powder in. I told her I give the others theirs first and his a little separate. I believe I was clear enough, and perhaps even said I divide up the rest of the can. While I was gone she commented twice on the fact that they weren't eating their canned food but were eating the dried food. I figured it was because the canned is served upstairs where it's hot, and they were off their feed with me gone. When I came home I found that she'd been feeding each of them a can a day, rather than dividing up one can. Then it all made sense to me. It never occurred to me to ask how many cans she was feeding.
I believe if she'd been truly listening to me she would have gotten that they just get one can. The mistake cost me an additional $13 in an already overstretched budget. That wouldn't sound like much to you but it's nearly a month's worth of cat food and too costly for me. However, I'm just grateful that she was there taking care of them, so I've had to forget it. I know she was tired at the time she was listening. She appeared to be fully listening, and participated in the conversation. There was no indication that she wasn't using listening skills. I knew better when it came to my recent ex husband but it was still very difficult to handle his inattention. He'd appear to listen but he seldom retained information and often just "wasn't there" when I was talking with him even though he participated. That's the hard part - when someone even participates in a discussion but isn't really listening. I've been guilty of that myself in the distant past. I'll talk about that in a minute. The other thing that really floored me with my ex is that we'd sit together in business briefings and discuss it afterwards. Often what he thought was being said was entirely different than what was discussed. That was scary because we were in a highly regulated industry. I quickly learned that I'd have to retrain him after these briefings.
Back when I participated in discussions but wasn't listening, it was because I was interrupted while deeply engrossed in writing something. I didn't realize I hadn't entirely switched my brain from what I was doing to what was being said. I was "there" enough to even answer but not quite really there, so didn't remember what was said by either of us. My kids used to catch on to that quite easily, try to use it to their advantage. Eventually I learned to recognize when I was doing this and stop the conversation, admit I wasn't fully present, and have the person go back to the beginning. Then I could give my complete attention.
Often we're engaged in thinking something else while someone is speaking, which prevents true active listening. Usually we're thinking about what we want to say when it's our turn or something said makes us think of something else. When we're thinking along either of those lines we aren't fully listening and always miss something. Another problem comes from paying attention to something else while "listening" to someone - the kids, something going on, the TV, computer, or a text. Again, you ARE going to miss something that was said. And sometimes we're just busy thinking our own thoughts about our own interests. In this way we can miss important content.
People don't mean to be inattentive when listening. They simply don't know how to be an active listener. Active listening requires participating in the listening part of a conversation. It's the kind of listening you do in important classes you've taken, when you're working to learn the content of what's being taught. It requires paying full attention and absorbing what's being said, and filing it in your brain while doing this. You're listening for content and meaning, and working toward retention. Many succeed in the listening department and still fail at the retention portion. They fail to make the brain connection needed to store the information. I'm not sure how to tell you to do that other than set intent when you listen.
I know my listening skills aren't great when I first meet someone. I'm so busy reacting to what's being said that I don't retain things like names and ages of children, etc. It's only after I get to know the person and hear the stories again that I listen with the care to retain. It's something I've recently become aware of and will work to change. In this as in all things, awareness of your weaknesses is half the battle toward change.
When communication most counts, there are ways to make sure the full message has been received. You can ask the person to reflect back to you what he/she thinks you said, how you were heard. This is actually a technique in conflict resolution called mirroring. An abbreviated version works in just making sure you were heard, like on the job or when giving other instructions. The full version consists of having your say, then allowing the other person to tell you what he/she heard. You then either agree that the message was received or clarify. The person again reflects this back to you. In this way you go back and forth until you feel you've been understood. Then it's the other person's turn to have his/her say, and the process goes the other direction. It doesn't necessarily solve anything but can be a non-confrontational way to communicate differences and needs. My daughter, the licensed clinical social worker, tried to facilitate this between my mother and me over a year ago to no avail. Instead of listening to me and trying to reflect back, my mother simply took the stance that I always blame her, refused entirely to hear me. Some people truly don't want to listen, no matter how important the message, or how it's delivered. There's nothing we can do about that. And there's nothing we can do to change someone else's listening behaviors. But we can change our own, and thereby avoid a lot of problems. We can also try to teach others.
A final word on listening with your head instead of your heart. Some people allow their emotions to affect how they listen and receive information instead of listening with their heads. Most of us listen to tone of voice and watch body language when available rather than just hearing the words and that's good. The mirroring technique can be used to prevent a misunderstanding among those types of people. Those of us who are very intuitive must work on listening primarily with our heads rather than our own emotions so we don't miss the meanings of the words or switch over to our own thoughts and reactions too soon. Sometimes we allow our emotional reactions to block the message being spoken to us. Truly listening is very important in close emotional relationships, and any time instructions are being given.
We all make mistakes in listening but you can learn to minimize those mistakes. It takes a willingness to give your full attention to the other party with an open mind and heart, to set aside for a moment your own thoughts and needs. It also requires the intent to retain that information.
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