I started writing this blog in my head and heart as I was returning from Maryland on Sunday. I was there for the wedding of my youngest, now 25. I have 2 children and my oldest has been married for 6 years. When my daughter got married in 2006 I was just fine, although of course it was very emotional. All my emotions were happy ones. This time, many of my emotions were very painful. In talking with my ex, their father afterwards he pointed out that I was suffering "empty nest." He's right but it entirely took me by surprise because my youngest left the nest long ago. I mean, come on. He's been fighting in Iraq twice!
Some of the pain I felt was so much regret that my time of raising them is over. I know you're never done being a parent, but things change when your children become independent. Your role in their lives changes drastically. When they were young I did my best to give of myself to them and fully participate in their lives without being too hands on. I barely ever dated or had activities outside of working when I was a single parent, for example. I went out with my best friend and played on the weekends the kids were with their father. I provided all the enrichment activities I could and was present for them. I knew the time would come when they needed and wanted me around less and less. So while they still did, I gave them all I could.
But one of my biggest regrets is all the years I couldn't wait for some of their phases and stages to end. I robbed myself of a lot of the enjoyment with those attitudes. Another attitude I regret is that feeling that it was my job to train them, mold them, teach them to be good people. The best they learned, they learned by example, not drilling, punishments, or hassles. And I deeply regret the times I ever shamed them, caused them to feel shame.
Raising kids can be torture at times but I've again found my heart breaking, aching to go back in time. I want to hold them again, and do a better job of nurturing. I want to read and sing to them even more often, laugh with them, play with them. I want to not take everything so seriously all the time, including their mistakes and behaviors.
Overall I did so much of a better job as a parent than was done for me. In that I entirely succeeded. And overall I did a pretty good job. My children are beautiful, loving, giving, caring, wonderful human beings. I'm so very proud of both of them. My son spent the morning of his wedding in the hospital because of heat exhaustion. I was worried, but comforted by the fact that my daughter had taken him and stayed with him. She is so competent, and such a wonderful caretaker! I knew he was in the best hands. I knew she would totally look after him, that I could trust her with my precious on his special day. The wedding started a little late because he was later getting to the venue than planned but that was fine. He was able to be fully present once he got there, so it all worked out. As I said, it was hard for me. My first sight of him since the end of August 2010 was just before the wedding started. I knew I wouldn't have individual time with him that day, perhaps wouldn't during the trip. He now lives in Iowa, was just in Maryland for a few days and lots of people wanted time with him. I'm more fortunate when it comes to my daughter, whom I end up spending at least some time with several times a year. We also talk more frequently. You know the difference between women and chatting and phoning vs. men.
I've been fortunate to develop a beautiful adult friendship with my daughter. She's become one of my very best friends and it's mutual. This is something that we did with purpose, not something that fell into place. When she was ready, we had a heart-to-heart weekend in person. She got to bring up anything and everything from her childhood that she had issue with. I explained where I was coming from and she listened. When needed, I apologized from the bottom of my heart, which was the case with most of her issues. She also told me of perspective she'd gained from life on things she'd wrongly blamed on me. And she allowed me to bring up a few things too. It was a time of intense healing. And we also did some of our favorite things together that weekend, like cook and bake. We did the things that further bonded us besides the difficult stuff, but we totally faced all the difficult issues. From time to time I'm reminded of mistakes I made (not by her, by my own thoughts) and apologize to her again. Her answer is always the same - no need, we've covered it and she understood and forgave long ago.
My relationship with my son has always been different than with my daughter. Each child has a different personality and there truly is a difference between the sexes and how we relate to them. As adults, our relationship is perhaps even more different than when he was a boy. As a man he really sees and feels things much differently, and his adult male role is so different. Since I don't have a mate, he tends to feel protective of me, for one thing. I guess that's a small shadow of what happens as parents move into old age and can no longer be fully responsible for themselves, when the caretaker/child roles reverse. (Although of course I'm far from that stage in life!) Because we communicate so infrequently, we aren't up on each other and our lives. The love is there as always but the constancy and immediacy is entirely gone and that's been hard for me. I love that I know many of my daughter's friends, activities, thoughts, and feelings. That's the level of involvement I crave with both my children and always have. But as a parent, our biggest job is actually to love them unconditionally and to give to their needs to the best of our abilities. And one of their needs is independence and freedom. All along I did my best to raise them to soar, to fly on their own, and succeeded.
I've said nothing about their father. They were young when I divorced him so we raised them more separately than together. I can tell you that a united front is the best way to raise your kids if you can, to work in harmony rather than against each other. I hear of so many situations where the kids play one parent against the other or parents undermine each other. That teaches kids terrible things. Obviously their father did a great job also or my kids wouldn't have turned out so well. In this paragraph I'm talking about recent observations from the lives around me.
The memories that mean the most to children involve the most personal giving moments. There's the prayer her father wrote for my daughter when she was born. From me she remembers "girls' night out" to stay connected after her brother was born. They both remember slumber parties with me, and our New Years Eve parties. Weekends they were home I'd pull out the hide-a-bed and we'd stay up late and watch movies and have movie theater type snacks, then sleep in the hide-a-bed together. We changed it up for New Years Eve with the kinds of snacks you'd find if you went out to a party. They also remember that I read to them at night even after they were old enough to read. They or I would pick a book or series we would both enjoy and share them, things I'd never read before. And they remember especially the lullabies I would sing them when putting them to bed. They were quite old before I stopped that too, only when they were ready for it to end. I'm not sure if they remember or still have the scrapbooks I made them, full of magazine photos of their favorite things. That was something I created and gave to them vs. times I shared with them. That makes a big difference in creating those memories. One of the special bonding moments between my son and his wife was over a melody I made up when reading to him. The book is called, "I'll Love You Forever." Over and over it reads, "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as you're living, my baby you'll be." I made up a melody I can still hear which is why I know I quoted it exactly. I used to sing it instead of read it, because the book said the mother would sing it to the boy. Turns out his wife's mother did the same thing reading to her and the melodies are so similar!
If you do reasonably well with your children and are as loving as you can be, 2 things imprint on them most. One is the example of the sum total of your actions, how you conduct yourself. And the most precious and special imprints come from those times you just give of yourself and back it with all your love for them.
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