Huge subject I've taken on today, and I don't have all the answers by far. But I've come such a long way from where I was, and can tell you how. My beloved uncle used to tell me I'd never amount to a damn. My mother and second ex husband used to give me the message that I was nothing without them, especially my mother. She tried to keep me tied to her and her apron strings, always tried to pull me back. My journey to self compassion started first with my journey toward self love, knowledge, and acceptance. It didn't really start until mid 1991. Mid 1990 I finally started remembering what I lived at the hands of my mother, all the abuse came into focus. In counseling in 1991, my wonderful counselor helped me uncover the brainwashing that occurred, helped me learn the truth about who and how I really am. That was the beginning. As long as we're accepting the messages of others about ourselves rather than really knowing ourselves, we seldom have true love for self, the root of compassion.
It's been a very long journey to get to where I am today. The other day a friend set me to thinking about it by telling me that one of the things she and others admire about me is that I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. I certainly don't. In fact, I have no real idea what others think about me, don't spend time thinking about it. I do know that I have a slight need for everyone to like me but I know that isn't possible. I also realize that those who don't like me have a reason outside of my true self for that. That said, I'd really like to be more sought after among the people I like best, and feel that longing sometimes. I'm a little envious of "inner circle" people, like the ones my Reiki Master keeps in her phone. I really crave closeness to those I love the most, and I crave attention sometimes. I also know that I have some need to be needed. I'm human, and I know my traits and weaknesses. I also know how to manage and control them rather than let them control me. I know myself pretty well now. I still have a long way to go but I work at self love, compassion, and improvement, as well as self healing, all the time. I'm always trying to be the best me I can be. This is a huge drive in me, not because I want to be more loved but because I want to be more comfortable in my own skin and life, and because I want to be of the greatest value possible. However, I've entirely let go of perfectionism. I don't expect it in myself or others.
I also no longer allow anyone to put me in a box, or allow a label to stick if it doesn't fit me. I know I truly don't fit into any box made and that I'm capable of so much. I know that I'm so multi-dimensional and deep that there isn't a box for me. It's funny. I used to think of myself as Bohemian, thought that was pretty cool. Then my son-in-law labeled me as eccentric the night before he married my daughter. That was interesting to me. I wanted to know when I went from Bohemian to eccentric. My daughter shot back that it was the day I got married with a groundhog at the wedding, and of course I had to laugh and acknowledge it. I still like Bohemian better and think it fits more, so that's the one I'm sticking with. I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer, have always been way different than most around me so I'm really used to that. I've come to accept it, have become comfortable with it.
There are certain things we can change about ourselves and certain things we can't. We're born with core traits. I got to see mine in my son when he was in kindergarten. As a young child he was so much like me and around that time a friend pointed it out. I therefore got to see what I would have been like without all the severe abuse. It was awesome to see that a lot of who I am is innate rather than induced. I can't change the fact that I love and feel animals. I can't change my capacity for deep love and feeling and be less so, but I was able to shut off my awareness and sensitivity for the longest time. And during that time I was so much less of myself! It isn't really more comfortable that way either. Now I've learned to manage how I am so that I'm not always experiencing things too deeply for my own comfort. We can learn to work with our innate traits, to benefit ourselves and others. Then there are habits and attitudes, and traits we've taken on by association and those can be changed. It takes awareness, work, intent, follow through, constancy, and determination but it can be done. That's part of the self improvement work I do, but I don't take on too much at once, do it for anyone but myself and God, or drive myself crazy with it. Doing it for someone else rather than because you want to sets yourself up for defeat. Also, you can't really satisfy anyone else with things like that. They'll just find something else they don't like about you. And it doesn't usually stick if you aren't doing it for yourself. Those who quit smoking because of someone else know how easy it is to go back to it no matter how long you've quit once you get really disgusted or are through with that person. Change has to come about for your own comfort level and benefit.
You have to know what you can and can't change about yourself. Then change what you can and accept what you can't. I no longer beat myself up or punish myself for being human or dwell on my mistakes. Instead, I learn to manage and cope with the parts of myself that can have undesirable effects on my life, and change what I can. Every trait we have is a double-edged sword, I'm fond of saying. A great mentor taught me that. It's all in the thrust and slant you put on them. If you have a tendency to talk too much, maybe you should be a public speaker or radio host. Or maybe you simply learn to be a better listener because you use it to realize that others have a need to talk also. In the end, for me it's all about being able to look in the mirror and like the person I see. Some days I do and some I don't. Some days I see my mother looking back at me and that's pretty upsetting. Some days I feel bad about myself, thinking I'm not doing enough to change my life and circumstances. Those times usually come when I feel I'm not acting responsibly enough toward others. As I've said, I've got a long way to go. But I've also come so very far. Tomorrow, I'll give you some practical tips.
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