Funny for me to be writing about this because today I again discovered that I still have a long way to go. I've been pushing myself too hard every day, not allowing myself to do anything that I truly want to do, not even being in touch with what I want to do with myself and my time. I've been punishing myself for past mistakes and trying to live up to who know what standards. The messages for today were about forgiving myself and giving myself a break. I also am not good at drawing the line when it comes to giving to those I care about and for. One friend says I give and give until I'm exhausted and depleted, she feels the "empty" in me (very intuitive) and then I give some more. Then I go to bed and sleep deeply to replenish. And I realize she's right.
I've come a long way toward self-compassion though. It started with accepting who I truly am, learning to know myself. I have to say that was easier with the guidance I was getting in counseling than it seems to be these days. I work to know what I need to understand about myself but often feel like I'm looking through a fog. From self-knowledge came self-acceptance and understanding of my true nature, again something I've come a long way with but am still working on. From there I moved to self-love, and self-compassion stems from self-love. However, it's not a straight line process. You again some self-compassion along the way, move back and forth between these stages and pass through some simultaneously.
One of the things I do right these days is no longer expect the worst to happen to me. I've quit waiting for the next God-sized shoe to drop on me for every imagined mistake. Those were usually quite human small slights to another person, that I beat myself up for. I no longer do that. I expect good things and good people, good from others and from life. It's changed my entire attitude, life, and approach toward everything.
I also trust myself. I trust that I can overcome anything. I trust my decision-making abilities, my creative problem solving, that I can come up with solutions and ways to cope. I trust myself to be responsible, and kind and gentle with others.
I've come a long way in not punishing myself for past mistakes, and forgiving myself. I see I have more work to do on that but I'm willing to learn and do the work, make the changes. Part of compassion for self is realizing what you can and can't change, including the past. Change what you can so you can move forward but don't dip into the past. We don't like it when others bring up the past in our significant relationships and hold that against us but we do it to ourselves. That's not healthy. We truly need to treat ourselves as well as we treat others and as well as we expect others to treat us. Most of us with self-love issues treat ourselves in ways we'd never do to someone else. One thing I've done is learn to expect and insist on respectful treatment from others. You don't have to respect anyone else but you do have to treat them with respect, including me. Part of all this is not judging others or yourself harshly. Be and let be, with yourself and others. That goes back to we can change ourselves, some parts, and can only change ourselves. So live in the now and change whatever you can that isn't working for you. It takes a lot of courage, strength, and determination but it can be done. And remember that change takes time - it's not automatic, poof, it's done. But the 2 months or so needed for most people to make a healthy change will pass whether you're working on changing yourself or not. So make the most of what you learn about yourself and change whatever you need to in order to have a better life.
For me it's all about learning to live in the now, rather than regretting past mistakes. I need to be able to face myself in the mirror each day. Part of that is being aware of your true thoughts and feelings about yourself, and your self talk. Even humor counts. After I started working on only positive "I Am" statements, a friend had to call me on self-depreciating humor of the mildest sort. Our humor truly reflects our attitudes, so I'm really glad she pointed that out to me. And back to "I Am" statements. Writing powerful ones to reinforce yourself is so important, as is reading them aloud every day. Over time it alters your thinking, your self-image and beliefs about yourself.
Another thing I did for myself was heal myself from shame. It was a huge weapon used against me all my life by my mother so there was a lot to heal. Now I don't allow anyone to shame me ever. Even as a joke, no one gets away with saying "shame on you" to me. Shame is never constructive. It's destructive of every one's soul, spirit, self. It cuts too deep and erodes the self-image in ways that are very hard to overcome.
I have a few little final tips here. One of the things I'm learning to do is ask for what and need, and set boundaries with people. Another thing I do is pace heavy chores and responsibilities. I don't balance the checkbook, negotiate on 3 bills, and clean out the entire garage in one day. I break up the things I have to do that hurt in the gut. I also take care of what I have that matters to me, people and possessions, so I don't lose them before I have to. I try to buy quality and then take care of it, and to only have quality people in my life. I nurture those relationships and people. I'm usually the one to initiate contact and stay in touch. Instead of letting myself feel down about that, I accept that someone has to have that role and that in most relationships it's me. I understand that it's not whether they desire me or not, but is about them, their style, their lives. The nice thing is, in many of my relationships now it's pretty equal! My final tip is to stop and smell the kitties. I invest myself in them and in my friends and close family. I stop and take time for these things that matter. I also give myself breaks when I need to, to pet a cat or smell a flower, and stare at groundhogs. I also drink in all that's good and loving that comes to me. I understand that the love and trust from the cats, my friends and family, are all precious gifts. I absorb it and use it to feed and nurture my spirit. I actually live with some of the bare minimums of love and attention people need, and always have. So I learned long ago to make the most of all of it that comes to me, to use it survive and thrive.
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