How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do you not? Please remember that forgiving doesn't mean condoning, nor does it require forgetting. This subject has come up before but it's something that's become more direct and dynamic for me. As I've been saying in so many words for about a month now it seems, everything old is new for me since I began surrendering all to God (true surrender, not lip service). This surrender has been changing the dynamics of my relationship with God. It's not because He needs surrender - if that was true then free will wouldn't really be free. It's because it's allowed me to get out of my own way and open the door to a much fuller relationship, and thus a greater love and understanding of Him and the way He works, is. Surrender involved finally releasing the fears that had me trying to control all outcomes based on my perceived needs. I released the fears that had me pleading with Him, then trying all suggested languages (like thanking Him instead in advance) to manipulate. It takes actual FAITH to surrender. It's faith that He knows all, and therefore sees the whole big picture and I don't. It's acknowledgement that I often thought I needed one thing and needed it now, when I was better off in the long run learning a lesson instead. It takes faith in the fact that He does exist and does love me, which also means I have to believe I'm somehow deserving of His Love. That's the major stumbling block for so many people! Not disbelief in God and His powers, but disbelief that "I" (insert yourself here) matter enough for Him to bother to help. Yet we often think we're worth Him bothering to punish! These things say more about how we feel about ourselves than how we feel about God, yet they totally reflect too on how we feel about Him and our perception of who and what He is. Because if you see yourself as tragically flawed yet believe He's our Creator, what does that say about Him? That's kind of like, "I wouldn't want to be in any club that'd have someone like me for a member."
So tonight I experienced forgiveness for the first time in the new dynamics of relationship with God. I was thinking about a man I used to know that I suspect was abusing children and I know killed all the neighborhood cats including mine! The other day I found out he died during the summer and I thought, "What goes around comes around." How many times has each of us said that? That is not forgiveness! That's judgment! My heart was hard but I was too busy to realize it until this evening. My whirlwind started before my daughter pointed me to the article about his death several days ago at least. And I just realized that this evening I took time out to actually allow reflection for the first time in about a week. Oops! Anyway, as soon as my thinking and therefore, my hardened heart registered,* I knew I had to forgive him. (*Remember, I'm backwards from most of the rest of you in processing emotions. Most people feel them, then think about them. I think about things, then realize I have feelings. This is common among those who have been severely abused or over long periods.) The reason I had to forgive him was for myself. He's dead and gone so it couldn't possibly matter to him. It doesn't matter to God either. He understands how hard it is to forgive because He understands us, His creation. But every time you allow your heart to stay hardened (you have to recognize it, identify the feelings, the judgement before "allow" takes place), you create a heart blockage. They can and do eventually turn into dis-ease. But that's not the reason I don't want the blockage. I love too many others too well to purposely allow something to diminish my heart. And that's exactly what unforgiveness does. It diminishes your capacity to love yourself, God, and others. So it only hurts you and the ones you love, always more so than the unforgiven.
In the past when I needed to forgive I've gone through great effort and analysis, even rituals. These days I talk about just about anything and everything with my Father. So my first step was to identify that I needed to forgive the guy and set that intent. The very next was to talk to Father about it, and ask for His help. I asked for the help because I was thinking about those kids and cats - not only is it kids, and cats, but it's very personal to me. I always hurt so deeply when I think about them. And my next thought was not my own entirely. It was of my part in the cats. It was my fault they were outside for him to trap and shoot. I had to forgive myself for that one, hard as it was, but I'd accomplished it some months ago (20 years later!). Then came, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." Then God reminded me that He had dealt with the man fairly, based on all the factors I know but mostly what I can't have known. Refer back to paragraph one. Which brought me back to something I read recently, a wonderful book called "The Shack." Oh my goodness, if you want to understand and know God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, READ THAT BOOK!!!!! It was an object lesson in how totally unqualified we are to judge, and how horrible it would be if we really had to. Have you ever done jury duty? It's not fun and that's nothing compared to the illustration in that book. By the end of this thought process, which took less than two minutes, my heart was free because I'd forgiven. I'll never forget, but blessedly I don't remember very often. And if my heart feels at all hard the next time I remember, I'll surrender the feelings to God again. Only the thing about surrender is, the more you connect to God the less surrender is necessary. In this case, I didn't have to fully and formally surrender it. All I had to do was recognize the need, set the intent, and then mention it to Father. Because I'm building my end of that relationship and connection now, that's all it took. He's been there all along, of course. Up until now, I was the one who was blocking it, blocking Him. I have Rebekah Gamble to thank for part of my new relationship with God, by the way. She did a tremendous Reiki treatment/healing on me about a month ago. During the healing, we connected with my deceased father and we both channeled him. Years ago I read that our perceptions of God are based on our relationship with our earthly fathers. In my case, it was more my mother, who played both roles in the home. I barely knew my father, only saw him a few times in my life. But when I connected with him, and directly received him and his message through Bekah, I gained all the love I hadn't received when he was on earth. And that too helped open the door to relationship with my Heavenly Father.
Final note: So why is this more a stream of consciousness blog than my normal, fairly smooth flow? For one thing, I didn't get any sleep at all last night. But mostly because I never know what will speak to whom, so I tend to leave the extra stuff in.
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