In September 2010 I knew that the life I was living was entirely over, would be finished in October 2010. I knew my marriage was ending and my then husband was going to jail. I faced that I had suppressed years of dysfunction, put on a "happy face" for myself and others for 10 years. There was a lot of good, I wasn't entirely living a lie. But I had been lying to myself all that time, and it had all come to a "head." I couldn't stay in denial any more. I was again going to be alone, and this time I was starting with less than nothing (bad credit for the first time ever, no income, debts, a house literally full of unpacked boxes from my husband plus from a classic hoarder, no recent office job history, and no assets except for 2 old cars) and full responsibility for the care of my life-long abuser who was still abusing me. But me being who I am - I took this as an opportunity. I knew I wouldn't have responsibility for my mother (the abuser I mentioned) for more than about six months, and that after that my only responsibility was my own life. My kids were grown and off on their own. Now it was supposed to be my time, and I decided to make that my goal. Again, given who I am, what that meant was it was finally time to find out what I came to earth to do, and to use my gifts and talents (at that time, I was just thinking about my artistic and creative talents - which was all I was aware of).
That was not a true surrender point because I still kept all my worries, fears, and struggles. I was living between hell on earth and what began unfolding after that decision. The first thing that happened was I was led to Reiki by a series of unforeseeable events. I consulted with a friend (you'll notice in my blogs that this is an important theme) on ways to make money from home or without a traditional job. Her main suggestion led to a series of calls that led me to talk with a stranger who took an hour to brainstorm with me. Toward the end of the hour he told me I'm a healer and should become attuned to Reiki, how perfect it would be for where my heart is and what I wanted to do. I'd never even heard of it. So that call was the first synchronicity. The next is that within two weeks I met with the group surrounding the woman who is now my Reiki Master. At that time there were two main known sources of Reiki attunements and this one is perfect for me. I've attended a group Reiki session only once with the other one - refused to go back to her group for any reason. I'm not sure why her energy is all wrong for me because she had a huge following. But the timing of classes and a Reiki Exchange landed me with exactly the right Master for me - the second great synchronicity.
As happens with anyone truly dedicated to Reiki from heart-center, my life began to drastically change after my second Reiki attunement. The guy who first told me about Reiki (now a very dear friend, one of my beloved ones) warned me that if I was attuned, my life would never be the same again. He told me I'd find the existence of things I'd only dreamed or heard of, and more. Two years later, I've now just finished reading Diane Stein's "Essential Reiki," where she says just that in her own words. However, I've never needed the reminder. I'm in awe of all that's unfolded since that attunement. My friend and mentor was so right! I told him I was more than ready and I was. Still, that first year I can't count the times I wondered for just a moment if I was "off my rocker" and the rest of the world was right. However, I know the hearts of the others who are off their rockers with me, and I honor and respect them more than most people I've ever known.
It's taken two years, but my life has changed more than I could have imagined. In fact, tonight I just saw a dear friend that I haven't seen in about a year and she kept telling me how different and great I look. Just the other day I read in one of Ms. Stein's books that a year later her students look much different. I see myself in the mirror every day so I have no idea what people are seeing, but in the last month I've been hearing this all the time. A year ago perhaps to this very day, I received my Reiki Master/Teacher attunement, and experienced the sheer joy that came with that. But for the most part, it's been a very difficult year. First I quickly packed to move to Pittsburgh, and that was such a physical burden. Then the roller coaster began. First I was working here with someone, meeting new people, starting to flourish and then that ended a month after I moved in. Just over a month later I totaled my car and couldn't replace it. The friend I was working with came back into my life, then dumped me again about a month later. All I while I was trying to find income sources, lost, bewildered, struggling just to survive. So it's been a very tough year. All the while I was trying to clear all blockages, become the best me I can be, and heal from all my past. I tried everything in my power, including with the power of Reiki, to heal, learn, grow, and overcome my past and circumstances, to move forward with my life in a totally positive direction. And with every breakthrough came a dead-end on income. Every time I thought I'd cleared THE blockage and good job openings appeared or I'd have an interview, it seemed like the door would slam in my face. So I just kept picking myself up from crisis to crisis.
Yet along the way great things were happening, or people wouldn't be saying how great I look. Listen, I'm about to turn 57. At this point, when a year passes we aren't usually remarkably better looking! I'd already lost all the weight I talk about by this time last year, or nearly. I might be a little smaller, but it can't be by much I don't think. I haven't had a working scale in years so I only weigh in at the doctor's, and haven't been there in 11 months. Anyway, even though it's been a difficult year, and two years, I've come light-years in two. I've discovered way more gifts that I thought I had - psychic and mediumship abilities and all that goes with that, for one. I've discovered how much more intuitive I am than I realized, and how to work with that. I've gone from taking nearly twice the maximum allowable daily dosages of two different insulins, to not taking any. And I've healed most of the way from abuse heaped on top of abuse - major trauma that most people don't recover from. And I've turned from a life of serving a nearly entirely self-absorbed, self-centered, selfish human to serving God and others. I've come such a long way, baby - that I truly can't begin to tell you. It's like the physical appearance too - since I live with myself every day, I often have to hear it from others to truly realize the changes. I love seeing my soul group and hearing about how different I am! They met and embraced me when I was a nervous wreck, a total mess. I met someone who reminded me of that time tonight, was somewhat like I was then. Oh my! So when they reflect this back to me I get a sense of how far I've come. And through my inner life I do too.
And I ain't seen nothin' yet! Because I just truly began the real surrender a week or so ago. Already the changes are as huge as the last year, and the last two, at least in my mind. Eight months after I made the decision in September 2010, to find out what I'm here to do, I was told in a reading. I was told who I am, where I came from, what I do - my life mission. Yet still I was struggling in the world all this year, living in a fog. I didn't know how to get from point A to point B, and I seemed to just make one wrong turn after another. Other times I was frozen by indecision. I was moving forward in some ways, but not enough to make a visible difference toward a solution. And I just kept trying, kept thinking any day now things would get better. Yet I made some definitely right choices along the way, like going back to college as a catalyst for change. When I gave it to God and the angels (because I was running up against a brick wall) I was led to a degree in psychology with a life coaching "cognate" - whatever that means. I found a Christian university with a compatible program, that I hadn't found through a week of hours-daily searching until after the surrender and prayer. Today, I just "happened" to talk with an academic adviser who more than answered my questions about my college completion program. He told me I could use my elective courses to minor in Christian Counseling, not knowing I've been so envying Bekah's studies in that. And since I made this all-encompassing surrender to God within the last week or so, I've also been assured that yes, my choice of college and my choice of majors has entirely put me in alignment with the needs of my life mission! I thought I was making an economic decision when I started the exploration.
Another thing that's happened since this all-encompassing surrender, is that my life mission is coming into much better focus. April 2010 I was told, and it resonated within me. Less than a year ago, a wonderful teacher suggested with write our mission statements and I did. But now the angels are telling me who and what I am, and showing me how my mission is unfolding. Now I'm beginning to live it first-hand, and that is huge. It's also been a bit like going from 0 - 90 mph in a split second. I'll get more into some of this tomorrow, so I'll start and end with tonight. I went to a Site Nite program. If you live in the Pittsburgh area, you so have to come to the programs! Some of the first words out of the mouth of tonight's speaker was that things began happening as soon as she surrendered her life mission to God! Then she began telling us about it. Among other things, it led her to write and publish a whole book in 7 1/2 months! More importantly, it changed - transformed her whole life.
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