Last month I came to crisis again and was really feeling like a "have not" among "haves." I knew and reminded myself that many are worse off than me, and I've met them. I think of a man I met waiting for the bus who was charming and kind months ago. Last week I saw him and he said he's now homeless. His breath reeked of alcohol then and he was panhandling. I saw him again a few days ago, still panhandling, still reeking. Earlier this evening (it's Sunday, the 14th of October) I was feeling dread-ful. I owe my best friend money and I simply hate that. I'm again trying to figure out how to meet the shortfall between what money I have and what I feel I need this coming week. I journaled and prayed, a cry of "help please!" and just after, the perspective came.
I know people who live in filth, clutter, and chaos. They have jobs, homes, a car, intelligence. Some have money in the bank and college degrees. But they can't seem to follow through to get the houses in order. Some live with too many in one space - one cleaner/fixer to many messers. One I know lives alone and has no excuse. I really don't like filing and organizing my papers and things, house cleaning, scooping litter boxes, straightening and cleaning up. But I realize that clutter and mess bothers me so much because my mother was a classic hoarder. I realize that what I think of as untidy and messy is paradise compared to the way most people live. Perspective. Instead of looking at all I haven't done or comparing my home to a model home, I need to give myself credit. Then I need to be gentle with myself while I continue to improve until I reach and maintain my true comfort level. And I need to align my comfort level if it's not realistic. I need to be happy with what I've done rather than always look at what I haven't gotten done. A recent college class exercise had me looking at how I spend my time and I realized how responsible I actually am. I need to be satisfied with what I'm doing now, while continuing to improve when I can.
One person I was really looking at as one of the "haves" just obtained her third car, has two houses, a trust fund with income, and Social Security. Tonight she told me she's bored, and was depressed yesterday. A few months ago I too was bored. I was feeling stuck until I decided to go back to college for a degree. Now I'm learning, interacting, and active in a way I haven't been since the mid-1970s. My boredom is gone for good and I'm totally moving forward. Someone else I'm close to has a long-term job ending soon. She's in denial about the choices she has to make. A lot of what she has is less than ideal but it's familiar and she has it. She's afraid of what she's going to have to give up to make changes in her life, even though the change is coming. She doesn't want to let go of anything she has now because she enjoys it, even though it doesn't entirely suit her. In some ways that was me most of 2010 - my marriage was going to end and my entire way of life. I feel so badly for her. She's so much a "have." She has money in the bank, her own home and car, money still coming in, and choices. Yet I'm trying to help her with the courage to let go of what doesn't best serve her. I'm trying to help her have the courage to make choices that will lead to her greatest good and happiness. Because she has the same opportunity I had for a "do-over," but with so many more resources.
One of my dearest and closest friends can't even find a peaceful moment to call me on the phone. She cussed in a text to me shortly after 11 p.m. She was going to call me at 11 but was saying her adult son and his girlfriend are yelling and she's cleaning the kitchen for the 4th time tonight. She'll try to call me while on the road for work tomorrow. I have peace and calm in my life unless I create my own demons. Earlier I created one called "dread." He and I are old friends but he no longer serves me and I banish him when he shows up. These demons are illusions and we can create and banish them at will, in our own minds - which is the only place they can live. I am learning that they are illusions, learning to banish them when I conjure them up. And I'm conjuring them less often. The reality is that I am so rich! I have food, clothing, shoes, shelter, warmth, peace, joy, love, and so much more. I AM a "have," and I have so much more than so many that I know. This is because I am working daily to co-create my reality and all that's in it. I do that with surrender and intent, along with work and follow-through. None of it is by chance, and the opportunities exist every day. I am doing my best to recognize with gratitude - what I have and what is unfolding for me.
Tonight when my friend couldn't call, we were texting. I so wish I could be with her right now. Back in "the good old days" (I was thinking for a moment), we were together enough that she didn't often get into this state. And when she did, I was there to get her laughing, get her through it. Back then we were both single-parenting two young children, and we were inseparable. I was her rock, as she was mine, and we were both comic relief for the other. No matter what, we managed to have fun together and supply perspective to which ever one of us needed it at the time. And it was so much easier for each of us to find that perspective for ourselves. When I'd begin to lose it, I'd often pretty literally hear her voice of wisdom, love, support, and empathy in my ear. I imagine she pretty much heard my voice too. At the time, things were pretty tough. I was just recovering the knowledge of rampant abuse during my childhood while going through a nasty divorce. I was trying to shield my kids from the ugliness of divorce and raise them, while working full time. I would have never thought I'd ever think of that as "the good old days." But in many ways they were, and I did my best to enjoy them fully. That's why I have some wonderful, warm memories of those times. (You have to understand that I have memory problems stemming from the childhood abuse. Burying memories is a common defense mechanism and the good ones get buried with the bad ones. So for me to have these warm memories is major.) I did my best to enjoy my time with my kids, and I certainly enjoyed my time with this friend, no matter what we were doing.
The end of this thinking was that my "now" is what I perceive it to be, no more and no less. All I have is the now. If I don't appreciate it, I'll miss out. The illusion of "have not" is false. I have so very much! We can't wait for it to later become "the good old days." We have to love our "now" - it's all we've got and all we're going to get. We need to always be doing our best to appreciate what we have right now. And if it isn't all you want it to be, get pro-active and change what you can. If nothing else, you can change your attitude and perspective, and thereby change your world. Truly! Remember, I'm not preaching from the position of a millionaire. Just remember where I sit when I say this. Truly, if I can do it, you can do it!
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