Many women, & givers in general, struggle with the problem I've had. We feel we have to earn all the love & goodness we get in life. You may not even be aware of it within you. It's not why I'm a giver, but it caused me to put everyone else first & me last. Both of those bore noting. I say yes too easily, to too much. I don't set my boundaries, so there's never enough time & energy for me. I can't tell you the last time I performed Reiki on myself, for example. I over commit for a variety of reasons including wanting to save & help everyone to not wanting to look bad by saying no. I feel bad when I don't do all I say I'll do as often as expected or desired. I feel bad for not meeting the expectations of others. I feel bad when I don't accomplish as much as I wanted to in any given day, despite the fact that no one could keep up with that day after day. So I've held myself back from the truest goodness & flow of life because I only feel I deserve it when I've done enough to earn it. And boy am I exacting in what that takes! I'm not that way with others, although having constantly high expectations of myself makes me feel less kindly toward others who don't give peak performance. But I don't put that off on them, fortunately. Can any of you relate to all this?
Sunday I spent a long time trying to come to terms with what's holding me back, what's keeping me from honoring myself. I was on another healing & abundance live call with Mary A. Hall & I was listening but wasn't entirely receiving. I knew the problem was within me, not Spirit. It all boiled down to still feeling I have to earn Love & goodness. So then I worked on how to get over that, because inside myself I really do understand that it's not what I do but that I am. I read back over material on separating your self from your birth family that I'd read & printed a couple of months ago. As always these days, what I needed was there waiting for me. It said that our mission is to discover who we truly are & separate ourselves from all that is not, which is often what we learned in childhood. I'm nearly there & it helped me see what my job is now.
I wrote down all aspects of my job, & made 3 more copies. I have one on my desk (by my phone & computer), one on my spiritual center desk in my dining room (near the other phone), one on the refrigerator, one on my bathroom mirror. These are the places where I make my commitments, my choices, & where I take care of myself. This is what I wrote, & it's in order of importance: "1) Take good care of my physical body. 2) Take care of my emotions & spirit. 3) Take care of my family. 4) Take care of my environment (home, belongings, etc.) 5) Honor the commitments I've made to others. 6) Stay in the flow. For #5, I need to draw boundaries on the commitments I make, & to whom. Don't make a commitment because you think you should - consider it first, in light of #s 1-4. #4 directly impacts #s 2-3. My talents go into #2 & #6. These are my only 'shoulds.' When I do them steadily I maintain #6. I'm doing my part."
My life has been out of balance & I've been asking for balance. This is the way to get it. If I don't take care of my body first, nothing else is going to continue to happen. Next I have to be emotionally & spiritually healthy. I can't take care of my family if I haven't taken care of all my needs first. Needs, not wants. Wants you juggle & balance, give & take. Needs you have to take seriously or they'll overtake you. #4 is because I hate housework but I also hate clutter & disorder. I function best with order, being able to find & use what I need without spending time looking. And cleaning makes everything look better no matter how shabby. I'm an artist & I don't want to put the work into making things orderly & clean, but it's important to me. My surroundings affect my mood, sense of wellbeing, my energy. By #6 I mean that I need to maintain all the others, stay within the place of my heart, & feed my mind by learning. I'm a lifelong learner, it thrills me. I love to learn all I can about what interests me, including essential oils. I'm fueled by new recipes, knowledge, experiences. All that goes into #6. Flow for me most equates to creativity, but is more than that.
Now that I have the answer on how to actively honor myself & bring more balance into my life, I'm determined to make those changes. This gives me a blueprint for my days, helps set my activities & priorities for each day. I'll use it for time & activity management. I haven't been anywhere near this order of priorities since I was in high school. Back then, taking care of my physical body was all cosmetic, but since I liked boys, it was top priority. Now cosmetics is the least of it, since I'm 55 & there are many more pressing issues. But perhaps remembering that time in life will help me succeed in this order of priorities. Our bodies are wonderfully self-healing plus I can channel Reiki for myself too. So I have a chance to undo years of burning the candle at both ends in mistaken service to others. I let myself be used terribly by those who were nothing but takers. Now it's time to learn a new, healthier way of being. Now it's time for me to honor myself. That's part of loving yourself. Just like you can't perceive the love others have for you or really attract it if you don't love yourself, you can't perceive the honoring if you aren't honoring yourself. I hope this sharing helps you.
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