Tribute to My Daughter & Some Lessons

Today is my daughter's 30th birthday & I couldn't be more proud of her. I never pinned expectations or my own unrealized ambitions on my children like some parents do. I wanted them to grow up with my values & heart though. I wanted them to be loving & compassionate toward others, to be loving individuals who give of themselves freely. I wanted them to live by my own golden rule, as follows. Every thing you do & say is like a drop of water in a pond. It causes ripples that are far reaching. Once you do or say it, it's entirely out of your hands - who it impacts, how many, & in exactly what way. If you say or do something unkind, it will cause unhappiness of some kind & you never know what or how much. If you say something mean to someone it might just be "the straw that broke the camel's back" that day. In turn, that person might go home & kick the dog, who then bites the kid, who then throws a tantrum, so the parent goes nuts on him... And when you are nice to someone, something as simple as a smile can make all the difference for the good. It could be the very thing that saves the day & the person goes home & pets the dog & kisses the spouse & a marriage is saved. I'm sure back then I made the lesson simpler, because they were pretty young when I started teaching this. You get the picture though, & so did they. My children have entirely fulfilled that one great wish I had for their future selves. They are kind, loving, compassionate, generous people. The other thing I really wanted for them was that they would love & know God & Jesus. I took them to church, Sunday School, & Vacation Bible School from a very early age, & I was often a teacher there. That too worked, I'm so pleased to say. I never crammed any of this down their throats though. Just as you kids know what kind of person you are, how you feel about things & conduct yourselves, they knew how I felt about God, Jesus, our church, & how to treat others. I led by example, which is the only way that works.

My children have far exceeded those wishes for them, in surprisingly wondrous ways. It's so cool to see them all grown up & see what they've become. One of the bonuses is that my daughter moved back to the neighborhood she grew up in when she bought her first house. She now attends the church she grew up in, is reunited with the true family we had there. She also reunited me with them in the process (at the time I lived 2 hours away, now 5 hours). I go there every time I go to Maryland to visit her. She's taken an active role in the leadership & life of the church, just as I did in my time, which thrills me.

Now to the other lesson. My daughter suffered emotional abuse from both her father & me when she was growing up. People, don't punish the children when you're mad at the spouse over a divorce!!! Yea, you truly hurt the spouse but you damage the children! Don't talk against the other spouse or try to lure a child away with special things at your house only. Emotional blackmail using the kids is a no-win situation for all, & causes lasting damage in kids. My daughter got emotional abuse from both of us & here's the other lesson. I hadn't dealt with my own childhood abuse issues. I had walled off my feelings so much that I replayed some of it without being aware. Every time I tell you in whatever form or blog to heal & deal with your hurts, this is why! Monday's blog will be about this subject - boundaries, shields, & walls - what each one is, how to use them & how not to. One of the things I'm most proud about in my daughter is what she's done with her pain. She has faced it & used it. Once I became aware of what I'd done to harm her, I apologized fully & explained why so she'd know for sure that it wasn't the kind of treatment she deserved. I fully admitted to failing her & gave her plenty of time & opportunities to process this & talk to me about it, no matter how painful for me. I'm the parent, #1, & I'm the one who wronged her, #2. So I owed her that. I also entirely changed my behavior toward her, became the unconditionally loving mother I truly was inside rather than how I'd been reacting. I turned reaction into action, got control of it, when I faced my own issues. I'm so proud of what she's done with her own pain, & that she's found it in her heart to forgive me. Not only forgive, but respond to my more healthy ways of dealing with her in kind. She's met me equally every step of the way & now we have a closer relationship than I ever thought possible. I adore & love her with all my heart & I couldn't be more proud. What she did with her pain was become a social worker who specializes in abused children & teens. She uses her experience to relate to their pain & reactions, & tell them it can get better & she's proof. Boy is she her mother's daughter! She also became a good & loving friend & mentor to others in need outside of her job, in her personal life. And to enhance all this, she's now become a Reiki practitioner.