Those who think about it say they want it. Some people claim to give it to us, & some do. Few understand what it really means. The truest & purest form of unconditional love is not just loving people for themselves, all parts of them. That's just part of the truest unconditional love. Even that part carries a lot of subtle wonders. Basically, it's loving all of someone as he/she is. It's when you know that person through & through & love the "bad" as well as the "good." Mostly it's not seeing "bad" or "good." You love that person as a whole. You find ways to accept the annoying. It makes you chuckle instead of wince most of the time. You listen to the annoying laugh & smile to yourself because it's a characteristic you've come to know in your loved one. You patiently listen through the convoluted story-telling because you're listening to the voice of your loved one sharing with you. And if you can't listen patiently this time because of something in your life, you set your boundary for that moment in love & gentleness. Because unconditional love is NOT accepting all part of a person every minute of every day. It's also "calling" someone on something he needs to be made aware of - in love. That's the true meaning of constructive criticism, a whole other important subject. Criticism is only constructive if you have no personal agenda with the person or at the time. It's calling a truth to the person's awareness for her own good in the most loving way possible.
My daughter gave me an interesting look at this aspect of unconditional love on the phone the other day. She lives in Maryland & I live in Pennsylvania so we don't see each other that many times a year. She last saw me at the beginning of April & I was asking her about how I appeared then. I had been noticing at the time that I'd really aged during the first part of 2011. I wanted to know if she'd noticed, & she hadn't. She said when she looks at me she just sees me, not how I look. With great appreciation I realized, big duh here - all she sees is the inner me, the REAL me. That's absolutely all she sees. That's really what unconditional love is - one aspect. Now, that doesn't mean you can't also see physical changes in the person. Some people do look at the outside also, notice details. Usually we do see at least some of the outer - we notice when someone isn't feeling well, looks tired, or especially good - we just often can't define the difference when we're really close to the person, really love unconditionally.
The purest form of unconditional love has no agenda, requires/needs nothing from the other person. This is the part that's so much more rare, is much harder to obtain & for people to understand. Last night, someone I love unconditionally was expressing concern she had about what I'd think of her, how I'd feel. Her spouse told me something about their relationship that she hadn't, out of respect for his privacy. First I assured her that boundaries are right to have - no form of love means you have to or even should share everything! There truly is TMI - either for the listener or yourself. It's right to keep some memories, experiences, feelings just to yourself, for yourself, close to your own heart!
What I told her is that not only are boundaries good, there's no way I'd feel any way at all about not being told by her. I have absolutely no needs or agenda where our relationship is concerned. She loves me the same way I love her & that's all I need from her. I have no expectations, no needs. She is enough because she is herself. Our relationship is enough, & more so. I don't "count" - in other words, I don't notice or count up imagined slights or wrongs. I don't count who calls whom or how often, who does more for whom - none of that even begins to occur to me. I don't want any "shoulds" in our relationship, because I have no needs. I have "wants" of course - I want to be in closer proximity so we can do things together, for one thing. I want frequent phone calls, visits, to give hugs. But I don't imagine those to be needs, don't put them off on her, don't put conditions on my love due to them. "Shoulds" are very ugly things. One of the best things I got out of Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings in 1990 was "don't 'should' on me" (if you aren't getting it, instead of "should" hear the word "sh--").
The only way you can be a giver of truly unconditional love that needs nothing in return is to love yourself unconditionally. That doesn't mean you have to accept every part of you as is, quit growing & changing. In fact, those who love themselves unconditionally are always growing & changing, becoming better versions of themselves. But to be in a space where you can love another without needing in return, you have to be whole within yourself. You accept yourself for who you are right here, right now. You understand who you are & how you got here, & don't "count." If you do something you regret, you learn from it, make amends if possible, & do better from then on. You don't even have to forgive yourself because you haven't condemned yourself over it in the first place. I snapped at my mother yesterday at the bank because I wasn't feeling well so my patience was down, & because of the subject matter still having a little power to bother me. I learned from it - that dealing with an adult who's mind is going is like dealing with an adult 2 year old. So I have to go back to how I handled my kids at that age & apply that love & patience here. When she's next really awake & lucid, I'll apologize, the simple apology you'd give to a 2 year old. I also took from it that I still have "triggers" on the bothersome subject & that I need to take care of my physical condition. What I didn't do was my old pattern of getting down on myself for the mistake. I used to beat myself up terribly for any time I delivered any real or imagined hurt to someone else. I'd imagine that it was my fault that people didn't call me, because of something I thought I'd done. I felt very unlovable, was very needy. I definitely needed things out of the people I was in relationships with. When you're needy, giving love is actually a grasping thing. When you're whole, giving love is truly that - the highest act of giving of yourself. It's enough all on its own - just giving the love. It fulfills itself. And when you love unconditionally, you live in a state of wonder & blessing because the more you give it the more things & beings you have that love for. It magnifies, then comes back to you magnified beyond belief!
No comments:
Post a Comment