I have two all-time favorite songs, and I'm currently listening to one as I sit in my cozy living room in front of a roaring fire. I'm listening to "Fantasy" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. It's my song, my life. It always makes me cry. I used to have the most depressing songs for "my" song and life! I just realized that again. "Send in the Clowns" (how I thought of myself), "Here's that Rainy Day," "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" by Meatloaf, and so many others through the years. Now my song is about a triumphant life of adventure, joy, and ecstasy. It makes me cry because it reminds me of what my life is about and becoming.
It's come to my attention several times in the last two days that I give to others way more than I do to myself. That's a problem, in this case. I am too self-effacing in many instances. Yesterday a dear friend helped me see that eating like a bird at someone else's house, for example, can be taken as an insult. In me, it's extreme - not wanting to be a taker, not feeling worthy despite being wanted and loved. He also reminded me as I said it - that for every giver there has to be a receiver, that balance is the key. I've been struggling with this for months now. The good news is, I'm so willing to learn and change, and eventually I do.
Today I'm getting part of it right. I've done nothing but do things for my benefit today. The fact that it includes praying for others and doing for the cats still fits into that, because that is where my heart is, rewards me. Today I built a fire in the fire place, just because I wanted one. Today was the perfect day for this - the first snow. I spent some time just enjoying the sight of the snow. I'm cooking for one today - some of my Thanksgiving favorites. I love the smell of the celery and onions cooking for stuffing, so I did that even though it's not my favorite food to eat. However, it's my heart and I'm just making a small amount. It brings my grandparents into the room, especially my grandma. She's been dead since 1985 and I miss her every single day, but most of all on Thanksgiving and Christmas. So I am doing this just for me.
I've spent some of today simply watching and tending the fire. I refuse to think about the huge school assignment I "should" get to. I'll get it done, put some time in after I write this blog. Right now I'm doing what I need to do for me - writing my heart. I also spent time taking photos of Cassandra, while she lounged on the living room floor in front of the fire, enthralled. She's part of the reason I built the fire today. She was fascinated the day I had to build one for heat. Pleasing them is one of my greatest joys, and it's one I get to indulge in daily. She and her sister were dumped and abused, and I love to do anything and everything I can to enhance their lives, provide joy for them.
While I was cutting up the celery, I put on music to keep me company. When "Fantasy" came on, I hit "repeat" so it would play over and over, and began dancing around. This time I didn't stop or censor myself, just gave in to it. It's time to shed being the perfect little lady, seen and not heard! It's time to quit being so self-contained and dignified. As I danced around the kitchen and dining room, I started crying as usual with this song, and I realized I'd reached "exquisite gratitude." I have one word and one phrase that mean everything to me - "exquisite" and "beyond my wildest dreams." Exquisite is a word for that feeling of pleasure that's so intense that it's a bit painful. It's a rare feeling, a huge gift. It's the ultimate, as is "beyond my wildest dreams."
So listening to my song and the promise, realizing that it's true, becoming reality - I was transported. I didn't have far to go though. I've been living in gratitude for awhile now. It's not every minute of every day but it's at least a portion of every day. I can't even begin to tell you all I'm grateful for. My daughter started writing a daily gratitude on Facebook a few weeks ago and then I started. I find it very difficult to just state one thing a day! I start every day expressing my gratitude to God, and every time the slightest good thing happens, I recognize it and thank Him. As a result, my whole life has changed, from within. Outwardly, nothing has changed and it suddenly doesn't matter at all to my state of being!
I first discovered what the word exquisite was about in the 1990's. It was my first experience, and it was repeated about five times a year, shared with a certain gentleman. I'd never experienced it before or since, until today. I've longed so for him and for that experience (exquisite) ever since 1998, especially recently. The more I come into my own and heal, the more I want for myself - the gifts of life and love, the rewards. Please know I'm not talking about anything material, although of course I have basic needs and wants in that arena too. Part of the promise I've believed in is that I would experience "exquisite" again, so the realization of it brought even more tears to my eyes, put me over the top. How incredibly awesome that I was able to create this for myself! Every day just gets better and better! My life is becoming exquisite. This is just the first time it's entirely gotten there. I've been very close to experiencing this for days now, coming up on it for weeks. I need to learn from the fact that it came about on this day because I gave myself exactly what I most want and need today, fully. That was the "icing on the cake," but so much has gone into this previously. It's been coming about as I reach out to give love and care to others at every opportunity, for one thing. And because I've been fully realizing how much God gives me and helps me every single day.
No one but ourselves and God can provide "exquisite." When I first experienced it in the 1990's, it took two, but I was responsible for my part in it. Now I know the way to get there is to be as true to my heart and self as I can, as I was then. That's how I got there then, and now. I've been working toward healing and balance in my life. I've been working to be the purest form of my self that I can. I've been living in response, following my heart moment to moment each day. But I was mostly doing that in service to others, not myself.
My dearest Bekah posted a question on Facebook yesterday, asking us to print our mission statement in response. Part of my mission is to bring as much joy and healing to others as I can, every chance I'm given. Usually I make the chance based on whoever and what is in my heart each day. I take the time to express the love, to reach other. As a result, it's also often in response, as people come to me for love, healing, and help. Now I need to learn to do the same for myself. It's time, and I am so very grateful to have gotten to experience the rewards of that today!
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