I've always had self esteem issues and they arose again last week especially, early this week. I've worked hard over the years to overcome them, have a true and healthy sense of self. Every time they've become clear, I've worked on them. As a young adult, I had many issues left over from my childhood. In my 30s I began resolving them. From then on, it's been kind of a roller coaster. Sometimes I'd be doing fairly well in resolution, other times they'd appear prominently.
Two years ago my self esteem was at an all time low, not seen since the 1980s before I remembered my mother's abuse of me as a child. I felt responsible for the crimes committed by my latest ex husband and the mess my life was in. It's very common for a victim to take on the guilt, and I was fully doing that. What I had to do was truthfully examine my role in what happened. What I found was that I was again the classic enabler. I had to face that, what I'd done and why. I had to entirely face myself, who I am, my choices. I had to own up to my true part in things that happened and learn from it. I had to forgive myself and my ex husband. I had to come to a full understanding. That was just the first part of healing and rebuilding my self and my life.
I was surprised to back slide last week on my self esteem issues, to have a bunch of the old way of thinking and processing things back again. I thought I'd overcome that. So I put it to prayer, with intent. The gift from God during my prayer time today was His message of love. He helped me see that I've been very responsible in my choices, especially as I've healed. He helped me see that I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I'm doing with my self and my life, the choices I'm making minute by minute, day by day. That's what it all boils down to for all of us - the moment by moment decisions on how we spend our time and what we do. It took me awhile to get out of the fog, to heal. But I remained steadfast to my path and purpose, and earnestly sought God and a better way of life. He has provided me with all the opportunities I need to heal, grown and learn, and to be in true relationship with and to Him. And I've made responsive choices in how I've handled those opportunities. So I've been rewarded with more of them.
It's been a time of purifying my heart and intent, ridding myself of jealousy and competition. I've been learning myself and to be true to myself, my gifts, and my mission. I have a contract with God, as I've said, made before I incarnated. For two years now, I've been daily and entirely faithful to that contract, our mission. I've never stopped, given up, walked away, or taken the easy way out. My current situation - no job and no car - are illusions. It's a step in the path, part of the learning and growing toward all I truly and most want in my life - Love and the Kingdom, connection with my Father and service to my fellow man. All those things I heard of in church are coming to pass - "beyond my wildest dreams." I used to hear about mission to God and feel the call but not know how to respond. And I didn't want to give up my own way or anything I wanted in order to heed. I had no true idea at the time what it was all about, how to go about it, and I wanted what I wanted. All those of you who have heard and felt this know exactly what I'm talking about. We all have the "but ifs" at times. We feel inadequate and make excuses - time, family, job, not knowing how, not being up to it. I also feared how I would sound to others, what they'd think. And the "who am I to be doing this" mentality.
Now I see that I gain so much more when I step out in faith, and that I give up nothing. I see that He can and does entirely prepare me for what I'm meant to do. None of it has to come just from me. I don't need to be equal to any task because He's the ultimate Partner. It's His work so the outcome is assured anyway!
I believe. I see that my part is to continue to make responsible choices and that I've been doing that. I can be proud of that. I see the rewards of that in my life now, and that more are coming. I see that ultimately, all I most truly want is coming into my life. If I don't get this job I so want, there will be something greater in store for me. I can absolutely count on that because I've surrendered all outcomes to God, all of myself. This allows Him to arrange things according to my highest good and our contract. My heart is in the right place because I fully acknowledge that He knows the best way to the best and final outcome, sees it clearly and I don't. And so I live in obedience and do all that is before me to do. I still see that I'm far from perfect and only human, but I see that I'm "becoming." Instead of dwelling on my shortcomings like I used to, I work to overcome them without self condemnation. I don't dwell on the negative, I work to change all into positives through His power and grace in me and my life. If it's not this job, then there's something better in store for me and I know that now. And in the meantime I will continue to learn and grow as I cope and have to rely on Him. I have nothing to fear. I am truly moving forward and blossoming. I can see and feel it. God will continue to provide and care for me and my truest and most important needs. Somehow. And I don't need to know the how. I am doing my part, and that's all I need to do or know. He can be fully trusted to do His. I can hold my head up despite still being dependent on others for help, behind in my bills, and on food stamps. Because I am truly doing the most important things, doing my part, being responsible to Him, others, and with my time, actions, and choices.
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