This is very new for me, in the realm of male/female relationships. I'm learning what it feels like and how to deal with the feelings and reality. It's what truly unconditional love is all about. It's the ultimate in letting go of the outcome, of loving fully just because you do, for the sake of loving. It's a reflection of how God loves us.
I am so blessed with those in my life who love me in this way. In the past, most of the love that came my way very much included attachments. I still have some in my life who try to attach to me. I find that I have to distance myself from them and limit our contact. I can't maintain a closeness with those people any more, can't allow the attachments. I've come so far! November seems to be a very pivotal month for me, I realized. A year ago this month I moved into this house. My first child was born in November, 31 years ago. Two years ago I entirely ended my relationship with my now ex husband, and that mutual attachment. I completely started my life over, and it's been a wild ride. But I've come so far! Two years ago my heart and spirit were very damaged, as was my sense of self. I couldn't cry, my heart was too closed off. I was dealing with rage because I'd taken on the sole care of my abusive and clinging mother, who sought to possess and objectify me my whole life. I had to break that hold, forgive, and get rid of the rage.
What I'm left with is the ability to love unconditionally in all my relationships. As I said, I've come so far! It started with my children and my friends. The more I connected with God and my true self, became my true self, it emerged. The more I healed the more my heart entirely opened. I've always had a huge heart and capacity for love. I grew up loving and caring more than anyone else I knew. I could feel the feelings and needs of others way more than I could feel my own. I hurt for and joyed for others more than myself, more than anyone around me. I knew I was different. Even a child can tell. But as an adult my choices of mates muted much of that, as did most of my other relationships. I became fearful and protective of myself, and closed off much of who and what I am. I also tried to be other than myself to blend in and cope. I really shut myself off in many ways.
It's very hard to describe where I was two years ago, mentally and emotionally. I had a mild case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for one thing. That lasted until nearly a year ago, thanks to still having my mother in my house. It was only after she was gone for awhile and I knew she wasn't coming back that I was able to relax and overcome it. For more than 10 years I lived with never knowing when my body or spirit would be taken over, intruded on, violated. I only knew it would, and would happen frequently. This represents the ultimate in attachment.
So back to loving fully without attachments. I'm back to the overflowing, fully open heart, but with a huge difference these days. I no longer attach to the person or outcome. It's fairly easy with my children. They're fully functioning, successful, independent adults with lives and goals of their own. Because of the attachments placed on me by my mother, I absolutely never attached to their outcomes. I raised them with standards of behavior and set an example of caring for others, but never with expectations. I've loved them fully without attaching to their lives. We're very connected and that's different. A fully open heart without attachments creates a very powerful connection. Love begets love and unconditional love begets unconditional love. So I get back what I give, and we have beautiful and mutually respectful relationships. I relate to them as adults, but with the added, beautiful history of having raised them. It's the closest bond of all - again, a reflection of God.
One of the beautiful people in my life is Rebekah Gamble. She was the one who brought my attention to the theme of loving fully without attachment. Until then, I was experiencing it without recognition. We had a very affirming conversation about this weeks ago, and the theme keeps coming up. The more I interact with her and others like her, the more my heart expands and the love flows. The more I love in this way, the more I'm able to. I've also begun to be more aware of it and understand it better. Now it's in the realm of male/female for me. I have that overflowing heart for a gentleman I know. I wish I were the one for him and vice versa but I know we're not. So I have all this unconditional love in a conditional relationship - I love him fully and would do just about anything for him. And I absolutely cannot attach to him or the outcome, or I would lose and violate the relationship we have. I find myself in unique territory here. In adult male/female relationships attachments are usually formed - marriage, living together, fidelity, etc. Here I am, loving this way, yet knowing none of this will happen. So I am learning the very valuable lesson of how to give this love truly unconditionally yet fully, to change all the "rules" of this type of relationship. Fortunately, I have Rebekah as a sounding board and for grounding. When I hurt, I can turn to her for understanding, and clarity as needed. And for some empathy. I will tell you that fully open heart loving can be very painful, but is so worth it. I've tried both ways and can tell you this is much better. Now I am fully myself and live in my truth. I put my whole self out there and flow the love, and what comes back is amazing. It doesn't necessarily come back in the form I want it from any specific person the love flows to. You've heard "object of my affections" and that's so true and where things go so wrong. There can't be an "object!" You just have to put the love out there without expectations of return. Whatever you put out there you definitely get back. So the more love you put out the more you get back. You just never know from whom, from what direction. I have so many wonderful people in my life who love me in the right way, because of the love I put out there. Most comes directly from those I flow the love to, friends and family. And that is so much more than enough. Not all I want from whom I want, but so sustaining and so much more than enough for my needs. (Remember, I was the very unloved, unwanted child so I know the difference.)
Loving fully is the way to go. That overflowing heart is glorious. My normal state is that open heart, bursting with love for everyone I cherish in my life. And I truly cherish so many that I can't really count them any more. That overflowing heart means I live my life in love and gratitude. It's a rich state with so much feeling and being. It totally connects me to God, and those around me. Those I cannot love in this way, who are not especially dear to me because of their clinging and dramas, at least have my full compassion and understanding. I have boundaries with them, without judgment. All this love is a great source of excitement and adventure in my life. I never know who I'm going to get to interact with in any given day or way. Having no attachment connected to the love means it flows freely and easily, both ways. It creates such a high vibration that at times my body feels the humming, and my spirit usually does. It makes me open to God, creativity, and life. And so much of beauty flows in my direction - from God, others, animals, angels - all around me. And I'm blessed with new people coming into my life all the time. These are people who enhance my life and my self, who respect and care for me. What I'm sowing is so richly being reaped in the now.
This is what the coming shift is about and I see I've already begun my own shift, am fairly well there. The shift will mean the end of trying to have power over others, the end of attachments. It will be the end of grasping and fear of loss, hoarding love and goods, possessions. It will be an entirely new way of being and relating (entirely new for most people). It will be the last of conquest over others, of trying to control others and outcomes. It will truly be about living in and trusting the flow, the truest forms of positive manifestation. It will be living in the energy and vibration of unconditional and freely flowing love. Glorious, awesome adventure!!!!
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