Letting Go, & 3 Small, Mighty Books

Last night I talked with one of my dearest & we compared notes on life now that we've dropped our crutches. We agreed that you begin to feel your feelings more, have to face & be more of your authentic self. That's actually very good, especially now, even if it's not comfortable at first. Some of us really fear that & some of us embrace it. But this is the time for it. As I've said before, this is the time for letting go of all that no longer serves us. It's time to begin being all we can be & we have to drop the crutches to do that. Many of us have crutches when we're honest with ourselves. It can be illegal substances or alcohol but more often, it's chocolate or other food, cigarettes, or prescribed drugs. It's so very easy to get a prescription for your moods! I took one for about 10 years when I started having terrible & unpredictable mood swings when my hormones started preparing for menopause, & I'm glad I did. It was so bad that I felt for days like my world was ending, & since it came at odd times I couldn't identify it as hormonal. You see, awareness is a key to coping with anything & everything & I didn't have that then. Before that, I'd only feel that way one afternoon & evening a month, always on a Tuesday because I was on the pill & therefore my cycles were regular. A few hours into it, I'd realize it was that Tuesday & give myself the night off & warn the kids to be on their best behavior. I'm sure they could tell you stories! I'd order in, make no major decisions, do as little as possible, & take care of myself. I knew despite my feelings that nothing was about to come crashing down on me & so was able to work my way out of the feelings rather than drown in them. (I ordered in because I was also extra clumsy that one day & had learned it wasn't entirely safe to use a stove. This is another example of what I keep telling you about the importance of knowing yourself & working around whatever you have to in order to keep functioning.) I went off the anti-depressant on a trial basis a few years ago when I couldn't afford my medicines, & found I no longer needed it. Now, I'm not telling you to go off prescriptions you need, but I'm asking you to identify your crutch & consider letting it go, getting rid of it. If it isn't necessary (different than comfort or wanted) for your survival or wellbeing, you'll be much better off eventually if you do let it go.

Last night I unpacked my favorite books & hung the seagull from my bedroom light fixture. As I'm unpacking my books, CDs, & DVDs I'm clearly stating my intent to live in this house as long as I wish to. My landlady recently told me she's thinking of selling to a relative, who would want to live here! I keep my favorite books in my bedroom, in my privacy, close to me. I never lend them just as I never lent out my children or cats or clarinet. I love them as if they were alive & I felt that bond with them when I unpacked them. I also felt it with the seagull, which I haven't had out since moving from Maryland. It hung from the ceiling light fixture in my bedroom all the years I single parented, & does so now again. It didn't when I was with my ex, was in my studio. Now it's in it's rightful place, part of putting my life back in order again. When I separated from my first husband my dearest friend at the time told me to read "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" by Richard Bach, & that's one of the 3 books. I had begun to discover my true self for the first time ever, now that I was free of the oppression of my husband & my mother. Whenever I'd grow in another leap she'd say "you're growing again, Jonathan" & I'd be so pleased & proud. Eventually it got to the point where I'd tell her she owed me another Jonathan, because I saw the growth for myself. Then I realized that in every way I could give myself Jonathans. About 5 years before that, at the height of my success in Tupperware, I'd earned several unique seagull statues for business growth, so I dug those out & put them in my bedroom. I also redecorated my bedroom with a peaceful beach theme & was finally able to sleep in it (had been the marital bedroom & I had no money for new furniture or way to rearrange it). That's when I put in the peaceful sights & sounds of an aquarium & found the seagull I hang. (I lived on the edge of the Chesapeake Bay & found lots of unique, inexpensive decorations.) The other 2 books I recommend are "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint Exupery & "The Lemming Condition" by Alan Arkin. Each book is a quick read with a profound life message. I've read them multiple times. I believe each time you do, you gain more based on what you need to hear at that time, & your gained understanding of yourself & the universe since the last reading.