You all know I've been working hard to heal from the wrongs done to me by my latest ex husband & my mother. In both cases I was victimized, both sexually & emotionally, & it was ongoing. The only way it stopped was when I forcibly took matters into my own hands to get away from them. They didn't stop of their own accord or repent in any way. In both cases I ran away from them or left home to evade them. Then I had them removed from my home. In the case of my ex, he was bleeding every cent out of my mother after stealing her life savings - half a million dollars. He was trying to take the last $8000 she had & was taking every cent of her monthly income. I ran away from home for fear of my life, then didn't pay the electric bill, which caused him to leave. Then I had him put in jail. With my mother, I had her put into a care facility because she wasn't doing anything to participate in her own care, was acting helpless to further control me. Plus, she was actually becoming helpless because you can only act it for so long without making it a reality.
I believe I've forgiven both of them entirely. That was necessary for myself. If you don't forgive, it harms you, not the other person. It festers & eventually poisons your life while the other person goes his/her merry way. I've also forgiven myself for things I did that furthered the abuse or played into it, for my part in any of it. That's also very necessary because guilt & self-blame is at least as poisonous as not forgiving the other person. I acknowledged what within me played into these things, especially with my ex. After all, I was in my 40s when I got together with him, already divorced once, old enough to know better. But as I write this I'm not so sure I've explored & forgiven myself for what happened with my mother. I do know that I chose to be born to her & into those circumstances & I need to explore that & see if I've forgiven myself, whether there's anything I do need to forgive myself for.
The big message I got through a wonderful new friend last night was on seeking forgiveness. Long ago I processed what I did wrong in my first marriage & the ways I was cruel, unkind, & unfair to my first husband, & I sought & received forgiveness. In a relationship, it simply isn't one-sided. I always only applied that to adult & mutual choice relationships, but never to where one is helpless or totally in the victim role. Certainly I was powerless to stop my mother's abuse when I was a dependent child. Yet I know that I need to seek forgiveness for something in my relationship with her in regard to this. It just struck me so fully when the woman & I were talking about forgiveness with an ex & that there's always two sides. I believe figuring it out & doing the work is the final step to healing, or one of. I also realize that I still hold that story & I need to write it & then let it go. For years I've heard that I need to write a book about my life & now I've been given a directive to do it & why, what the messages are. I believe the rest of my healing needs to come for exploring this subject of forgiveness from them, telling my story in print, & then letting it go. There are two things points I need to make here. One is that forgiving is not condoning. The other is that it's not necessary to stick your head back into the lion's mouth when seeking forgiveness from someone else. That's just not safe or sane. In some cases it's not safe or sane to directly seek forgiveness from the source. For example, a battered woman wouldn't be wise to contact her ex to seek forgiveness no matter how necessary to her emotional growth & healing. In these cases, there are other ways. Once you figure out how you've wronged the other person, inadvertently or purposefully, you can pray for forgiveness & again forgive yourself. Or you can write the person a letter & if it's not safe to send it (which it usually isn't), burn it with the intent of sending the message & giving it to God.
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