Today I interrupt that series about a God-centered life & humble myself before you by revealing how God just disciplined me. My mother & father were alcoholics & I have the same tendencies. Years ago I conquered my problem with social drinking, no longer drink too much on those few occasions. But I still have the tendency to use alcohol as a crutch. I started using again April 2010, when I couldn't stand the pain of living with my ex & his crimes against us but saw no way out. Mostly I'd do it very occasionally, to shut off my mind & get to sleep. There was plenty around the house, no need to spend money on it. My mother quit drinking for health reasons long ago but had many stashes in boxes I was having to go through to clear things out (she was also a TV style hoarder). And when I use alcohol, I abuse it. I drink until I can barely walk, am assured to go to sleep & stay asleep.
Now, God gave me some very great nights of sleep awhile back & showed me what happens when I ask Him for it. During that time I had the urge & drank myself to sleep & the next morning He gently spoke to me about it when I was praying to Him for health. He told me that I was asking for health while doing something to ruin it, & to stop it & stop it now. No more. He also told me to get rid of the alcohol in the house to avoid temptation. I listened to part but not all, wasn't willing to waste or get rid of my crutch. So I've done it again a couple of times since. Each time I apologized the next day. At first I barely suffered a hangover, but each time it got a bit worse. Last night I drank more than the other times & this morning, really was suffering.
Here's how God disciplined me over it. He let me suffer the consequences of my action fully, first of all. I was so miserable this morning! So miserable, that I believe I've finally learned my lesson! First thing, I apologized. He said He understands how easy it is to slip into old ways & patterns & that of course He forgives me. Then a beautiful butterfly appeared out of nowhere & flew slowly near & past me. I knew that was part of His loving blessing, His message of Love. He gave me the understanding that He wasn't going to lessen any consequences for me this time - I'd feel bad - my stomach, my sinuses, a headache, shaky, mind the heat this time. I'm reminded of how good I can feel most days, how He's helped me not mind the heat this summer, by the contrast today. I told Him I finally get it, have determined for myself that not sleeping is better than this, that this is not the thing to do. From now on I'll ask Him for sleep when needed & take whatever I get. For whatever reason, sometimes He gives it & sometimes He doesn't. The last time He didn't was several days ago & I ended up getting up very early & having hours to myself to work out what I needed to discover about a need for healing in me. (After hours of exploring my reactions & feelings, I realized I've had a mild form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for years now. I also discovered that the roots go all the way back to my childhood, where I was never safe from the abuse from my mother. True home never existed for me because it wasn't a safe place. Then I married my second husband & signed on to 10 out of 10 years of more of the same.) Taking that time has led to a lot of healing. I didn't suffer during the day from lack of sleep, & that night I had the best sleep I'd had in weeks. So I'm not going to be willful from now on. If I'm not given a restful night or enough sleep, I'll just deal with it & see what comes of it, find a creative use for that time.
These days I'm hyper sensitive when I hear people talk about an angry, punishing, vengeful God. I just want to shout out what I know of Him. He is Perfect, Loving, All Knowing. He's in each of us, created each of us as beautiful souls but gave us free will. He never expects us to be perfect & doesn't punish us when we aren't. He set up the universe to be self-correcting & thus there's the law of consequences at work, which balances us, our actions, the universe. He doesn't send earthquakes, tornadoes, or diseases to punish nations any more than parents would cripple or kill their child for defiance. I used to think He put us in difficult situations or with difficult people to learn lessons, & now know better. When you find yourself there & He teaches you from it, that's grace. We encounter all kinds & He can help us learn & grow, but He didn't do it to us. Yes, it gets better once we learn, but because we react differently, not because He then takes it away. Remember the most loving, giving, caring, gentle person you've ever known. Now magnify those qualities times infinity & that's the way God is. Truly.
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