I don't remember what last year at this time felt like. I can put it into words but can't recall the feelings. That emotional vault is still closed. That's what abuse survivors do, among other things, to cope. I know I feared for my life & was stuck living with the man I feared would/could kill me. I was playing a chess game & he knows how & I don't. I was trying to make him think I was on his side, while figuring out how to stay in the house with him long enough to deliver him to jail when he went to court in Maryland on October 20 of last year.
Now I really fear nothing & no one. I don't fear tasks ahead of me. I don't dread them either. I'm moving into what I believe is going to be a period of rapid changes resulting in apparent manifestation of the affirmations, prayers, & manifestation work I've been doing. So far I go on faith, without the apparency. I wondered how I would deal with this period because I knew it would get to the point of rapid change. So far, I'm doing it with total grace. Up to this point I've been moving into a state of grace & an attitude of gratitude, which prepared me for this. My normal tendency would be anxiety, frenzy, & chomping at the bit.
The vault to my feelings this time a year ago & the 6 months after is closed for now but the rest of my ability to feel it coming back rapidly now. When it started a few weeks ago it was moving slowly, but in the last week there has been rapid opening. Feeling again is bringing feelings of pain but they aren't overwhelming. I'm able to handle them & welcome them, sit with them. I also have been able to move on from each one, with healing. I've been given some great opportunities to heal recently, including my first trip to Maryland since the flight for our lives. First I drove through the area where I used to live with my ex. It was nerve racking, but not as bad coming back so I know I made progress. I handled it on the way by listening to the song of my life now, "Fantasy" by Earth, Wind, & Fire. I went directly to my BFF's house, where I stayed a year ago. The trip itself was healing - it was a beautiful day & I was all alone, driving there in my own car that I love, because I wanted to go. I didn't have 5 cats in the car to worry about or my mother's constant sighs, complaints, & side-seat driving. I went to my friend's house for a party & time together & it erased the negative feeling I didn't even realize I had about the place where she lives. Now that's forever gone & I have newer, beautiful memories. I also did Reiki on her for the first time & it was amazing! She was skeptical of what she'd actually feel & she felt the energy pulsing through her as soon as I called it down, before I even touched her. She received the strongest treatments I've ever channeled & gave me perfect feedback, so I knew just what she was feeling. Now she fully understands why I'm so excited to be able to do this for people, & why it's so changed my life. That's important to me. No one needs to believe in me for me to believe in myself, but there are a few people that I want to totally understand because of how close they are to me. One down, two to go. The other 2 that matter already believe, including my daughter, whom I attuned to Reiki I on Saturday. That was amazing too, & I had her do a treatment on me after I attuned her so we could see how it would work through her. Some practitioners' hands get very hot while touching a person where the energy is most needed. Mine do, & so did hers, so she was able to see right away that the attunement "took" & that she can channel the energy effectively. She was marvelous as I stumbled through the attunement, since it was my first time & I hadn't had time to practice doing them first. So now I get the added fun of watching her journey.
I walk through my house & see nothing but changes & progress. I wish I'd taken "before" photos! There's nothing but change these days. Friends ask me about something I intended to do, like the B&B or other aspects of my business, & the answers always involve change. I'm so changed - reminded every time I put on clothes, look in the mirror - a million times a day reminded of how much weight I've lost. Even my cats are different. For example, my 11 year old who was slow & sedate often plays & climbs the cat tree like a kitten. I'm not sure what the message is here today. All I can think about is this past weekend with my closest friends & family, with passing thoughts of what all I have to do this week. My heart is so full of my experiences lately that everything else has kind of receded, except God of course. He is in all for me. I'm not going to edit this post this time so please ignore if any of the words are slightly wrong. You'll get my meaning I'm sure.
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