This morning the theme of reality checks came back to me when I prayed, as I do daily, for the emotional health of my cats. If you've read any of the blogs about them, you know that all my cats are rescues. Two were fortunate enough to come from no kill shelters that fostered them in homes, 2 were found wandering (as was one from the shelter), & the youngest 2 showed up at my door on a cold night of sleet.
First the 2 from the shelter. Breezy had the best life until she came to me, fostered with her brother, who was adopted first. Her foster mother is known for giving the best, most loving care. All the kittens she fosters are taught to be handled in any & every way & are the most well-adjusted. Mostly nature but part nurture, Breezy is my ambassacat. She loves & greets everyone & everyone who meets her wants her. Her original owner couldn't keep the kittens & they were given straight to the shelter, into foster care. It's obvious she was old enough to leave the mother cat when that happened. She was 5 months old when I got her. These shelters don't adopt them out until they've been neutered or spayed, had their shots, etc. Kittens ideally stay with their mothers for 10-12 weeks but most are ok if separated at 8 weeks. During the time with their mothers & siblings, they learn all they need to know about socialization, burying in the litter box, etc. Kittens separated too early are the ones who knead you until you want to scream, or who suck on things like blankets. Now, Breezy has a thing for blankets but she's great in every other way. We can usually only guess about the pasts of our pets. We have to be as sensitive & responsive to their needs as possible. Louie came from a different foster mother, was found wandering in the woods as a kitten. He's pretty wild & has always been "a difficult child." He could have simply wandered off when not being watched well. Who knows. He doesn't talk to me about it. It's much easier for me to have these conversations with other cats than it is with my own. However, neglected, abandoned, & abused cats rarely talk much about it. And for your comfort I'll tell you that eventually it becomes a dim memory that they react to but don't relate. In other words, they become secure in your love & household. Their spirits sink into their new reality & somewhat replaces the reality they once had to live. The old becomes sort of the memory of a distant nightmare. I know that's true of all rescue pets, not just cats. I've done Reiki & communicated with rescued guinea pigs & dogs too.
Cats need to have jobs within the household. Breezy is ambassacat, top cat, & my baby, my main love-giver. She snuggles me multiple times a day, gives me the daily physical affection I need. It's not the same as with people, but she gives me so much that it compensates me. Louie's job was to tame my ex & he lost his job about 20 months ago. One minute he was on the job & the next he was being shoved into a carrier & taken for a ride. For 15 days he was away from home, housed in 4 different locations, shoved into the carrier for 6 hour rides at times, & when he got home his job was over. My ex never returned. Between losing that job & being fostered in various places while we were gone (I ran to save my life), he was totally traumatized, reverted entirely back to more of a wild child than ever. So he's needed emotional healing. Before that, Breezy & Louie were best friends. In fact, we got Breezy to be his companion, as he needed someone to run with. During & after that trip, he changed toward her, & would hiss whenever she came near, or growl.
Angel was found wandering the streets in December as a young kitten about 9 years ago. She's very needy for some reason. She needs emotional healing because her cup is never full. In the past I didn't react well to that. I simply had trouble dealing with that in a cat & in people. When my ex was around, Angel was very shy of visitors & would disappear for most of the time they were there. When she would finally come around, she'd walk behind all the furniture so no one could pet her or even see her well. The needy one wasn't having anything to do with those not part of the household. Whiskers was found in tall grass as a kitten, maybe about 6 weeks old or so. That was 12 years ago. He attached to me as both momma cat & sibling, & used to grab my ankles & scratch me to pieces when I'd walk down the hall. Sibling kittens give as good as they get & thus teach each other not to play so rough, & a momma cat will just cuff a kitten who gets too rowdy with her. Whiskers didn't learn from them so I was the recipient of these behaviors until he grew out of it. Perhaps because he attached so strongly to me, I'm the only person he's ever really loved. He not only didn't have any real use for anyone else, he didn't like for others to touch him. My ex could get away with it a little, mostly if he snuck up on him. My kids visited enough & are cat people, so they could pet him a little too. If anyone else was in the house, they never even saw him - not even the blur of him.
Karma & Cassandra came to my door November of 2010. They'd been abandoned. I heard that their siblings had already found homes closer to the dump point. I'm not sure how long these 2 wandered. Karma suffered blunt force trauma to her spine just below her neck & had trouble keeping her back end stable on non-carpeted floors. The only way for a kitten to have blunt force trauma in that area, by the way, is by being deliberately hit with something. So Karma is the most emotionally wounded of them all but her physical wound is healed. I gave her kitty glucosamine (normally used for arthritis & joint health) for months until she no longer exhibited any signs of pain or hip control issues, & then for about a month after that just to be safe. When they came to me, Cassandra was the one who stood at the door & screamed to be let in. When I went out to check on her, Karma came out of the bushes where she'd been hiding. I isolated & fed them in the garage for about 2 weeks, then took them to the vets to be checked & get their shots before introducing them to my cats. Once in the house, besides being devoted to each other, I found Cassandra to actually be very shy & quiet, not very active. When visitors came to the house, no matter how loving of cats they were, Karma completely disappeared & Cassandra stayed well out of reach or disappeared as well.
The cats moved to this house the middle of November 2011. I did right by the cats because I'm a kitty mommy. At the old house I supervised them while the moving van was loaded, made sure they were safe & didn't get out. Once the truck was unloaded at the new house & all their toys, beds, & the cat tree was set up, I went back to get them. At that time I took them in their carriers, their litter boxes, food & water bowls & fountain, & brought them to the new house. I immediately set up their food & water, & their litter boxes. After letting them out of the carriers, I made sure they knew where everything was. Cats are very place oriented but they enjoy exploring their new space. As long as they still have their familiar beds & things, their bowls & litter boxes, they'll do well with the change. Some recommend starting a cat out in just one room but I don't do that. Their things are in each room & I let them explore the entire space from the beginning. If I only had 1 or 2 cats or if they'd had their own room at the old place & would in the new, I'd start with the just one room thing. You have to do whatever is going to make them feel most secure. They have full access to my bed, the couch, & all the other rooms normally so that's what I gave them as soon as they moved here. That gave them full access to me at all times, & all that's familiar to them. Only the smells & layout of the new place were different for them. With cats, you have to change things as little as possible.
The house we moved from was part of my old life that I was definitely ready to be done with. I'd shared it with my abusers. My ex left our lives October of 2010 but my mother was an oppressive presence there until June 2011 & both of them left their junk & presence all through the house. Before I knew I was going to get to move, I'd been working on the upstairs, my main living area, to make it mine. I was selling off all the furniture that belonged to my ex & rearranging it to suit me, to change the atmosphere. I was succeeding to a degree, but it was still a largely unhealthy environment, both physically & emotionally. The new house is my first real home. Its only history is with the owner I rent from, & she truly made it her haven. She was a nester just like I am, which is why she decided to rent to me. She made it a place of peace, safety, joy, & beauty & the things I brought with me engender the same. This is now truly our home, for the cats & me. I joke that I have a cat house & that was true in all places I've lived. What's different is that there are no other influences here. All I brought with me was my inner peace, grace, sense of beauty & home, coziness, & the things that contribute to that, including theirs.
In less than a month I began to notice changes in the cats. At first I thought it was because they were getting more socialization than ever before, & that the people coming into the house loved cats. Louie would come to see who came to the house & be friendly with people, & allow himself to be petted. He was still hissing at Breezy though. Cassandra was sometimes visible & could be petted by a few, & Angel would sometimes come around to be petted! Whiskers then really took to someone who came for a few visits over the winter. She's part cat herself I know, & he would lie in the living room & mentally invite her to pet him while she'd be giving attention to another cat! I was shocked, but thought it was just her. But a few weeks ago he came into the kitchen when I had 2 women visiting. He plopped onto his side & used body language to invite one of them to pet him. And he now comes out to see who's here when someone comes, will let most visitors pet him at least for a moment. He's very sensitive to their energies & only really likes & responds to certain people, but remember this is the cat who used to entirely disappear!
I've been praying & asking certain angels to help with the emotional healing of the cats that need it & it's working, of course. But I think one of the biggest factors is the new home & atmosphere. I can feel & see the changes in them. They are so relaxed & happy! Most people don't get to pet Whiskers but he no longer goes & hides at all. He either stays just where he was lounging (remember, he's an old man & he's also the other top cat) or he comes to see what's going on. He either invites someone to pet him or tolerates it for a moment & then abruptly walks away. Louie still hisses at Breezy every once in awhile, but then again she can be pretty annoying. She doesn't respect the boundaries of the others, just horns in. But I now sometimes see him licking her face, like before it all hit the fan in 2010. Angel now comes around to be petted & so does Cassandra. Angel will also now walk away from petting after her cup gets full, which is also new. She'll do that with me & with visitors. Karma's the only one who still needs extensive emotional healing. She used to dart away in fear when someone else would walk in a room she was in but the other day she walked out to see who was here. We've got a long way to go before someone's really going to get to pet her, but I believe the day is coming. Besides prayer, angel intervention, & Reiki work on them, I heal them with my love & my gentle presence in their lives. I am totally respectful of them, their feelings, their wishes, & their needs. I know each of them as individuals. I know how they like to be petted & touched, & approached. I speak to them gently & lovingly, & say loving things. I talk to them as if they're human & understand, knowing that they understand tone of voice totally & that they do understand the things said to them. Some people will try to play tricks on them, say nasty things in a loving tone of voice. You can't fool an animal ever. They are totally sensitive to what's being said. People form mental pictures they aren't even aware of when they speak & animals read those pictures in our minds. So if your speech isn't in alignment with your tone of voice, they aren't fooled & they certainly don't love you as deeply as they could. You're being two-faced & they don't trust you! They also know when people are just off-hand about & toward them, vs. truly loving & respecting them - owners & visitors. And then there are owners & parents. I don't want to tell you my true feelings about pet owners because I'll get really upset & angry & say some really nasty things. We should all be pet parents! They deserve that, & the difference in your relationship with them & the benefit to both you & them is more than I can say.
Some people stay in unhappy relationships because of the kids, & this isn't really off topic. My cats obviously knew the difference between our lives in the old house & the new. The difference was entirely me! I felt the oppression in the old place & I'm entirely free of it in the new. My cats have flourished & truly responded to the new, happier energies here. Your children know the difference just as well. You may not fight out loud or loudly. Therefore they may not be affected by fighting, but they're still adversely affected by the atmosphere in the house & the unhappiness of the adults. Unless you can entirely turn the relationship around & reintroduce all the love, respect, & care for each other, you aren't benefiting the kids at all or doing them any favors by staying together. Sometimes getting out is the kindest thing you can do, because then whoever has main custody has a chance to find the peace & joy within self, & then the kids will benefit. Except in cases of abuse, it's best for both parents to stay involved in the lives of the kids. Louie would have perhaps benefited from seeing my ex from time to time, but that wasn't possible. Above all, don't fight over the kids & involve them in your struggles against each other. My ex loved that Louie made himself his cat, & I've only begun to have a relationship with Louie in the last few months. For more than a year I took care of a cat that had no use for me & wasn't happy! More on topic, there's my daughter. My first ex husband made her very attached to him & pushed me away. We split when she was 8 & he tried to brain wash her to use her against me. I can't tell you how badly that damaged her! You absolutely have to put the wellbeing of your children first, just like I put the cats first each & every day. Now, I put my kids first way more than I do the cats because it's entirely different, yet actually so very much the same. It's just that kids need so much more. Putting the wellbeing of your kids first isn't staying together in a loveless marriage, it's honoring & respecting their needs as you do what's best for all involved. And staying in a marriage just for them isn't what's best overall. For 9 of the 10 years of my first marriage, I knew it was a mistake & that I would leave him when the kids were grown if nothing changed for the better. Eventually I couldn't wait that long, that nothing was going to change. During the years as a single parent after that, I gave my kids too much of myself to compensate. Now I believe I do it very well with the cats & am learning to do it overall. I make conscious choices between their needs & desires & mine. I have a good balance going with that, so that we'll all happy & content. But they & your kids can't be entirely happy & content when you aren't. Not only do you have less patience, you're less loving & giving when you aren't getting your own needs met! You probably don't realize it because your love for them hasn't changed & you're doing the best you can. But if you step back & take an honest look, you'll see just what I mean. Ok, there's a reason I got off on this tangent that I won't explain, but some of you needed to hear this!
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