Illusions - Do You Really Know Yourself? - & a Valuable Lesson

Many of us don't know ourselves as well as we think we do. Some of us over-inflate our traits, most of us underestimate ourselves. Those who over-inflate do it with "bad" or "good" qualities, but usually the "good" ones. By the way, there is no such thing as bad & good when it comes to traits. A true personality trait is just that, simply a trait. It's what we do with it that makes it a benefit or a liability for ourselves & others. I spoke of this months ago & it's one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned so it bears repeating. Every trait is a double-edged sword & the "good" & "bad" comes of the way the sword is balanced. The kid who always gets in trouble for talking in class could later become an actor, lecturer, or newscaster & use that trait to great success in life. He then hopefully would have achieved balance & not have to be the center of attention in social gatherings, dominate conversations. Someone who is shy might have a great career working with animals, & therefore have a passion to discuss when in social situations - again, that creates a balance. Back to over-inflating people. They tend to see things in black & white & extremes. They see themselves as being much more of something than they actually are. Sometimes they see themselves as really great at something or as a person when they aren't, or as really terrible. I've seen kids who get too much praise for every little thing think they're the "be all & end all," & put themselves above others including adults. Some of our false illusions about ourselves come from the outside & how we internalize - life events, treatment by others, messages from childhood & those closest to us. Then there are some who choose to lie to themselves about who & what they are. They do that so that they can feel good about themselves without progressing in life, changing, growing. These are people who repeat patterns in life & don't learn from them. Instead, they lie to themselves about how they conduct themselves & their lives. That way they don't have to really work at anything but can take credit anyway. My ex was that type of person & that prompted this subject. He said he was a great salesman, far better than I am. When he said it last year, he hadn't made a sale in about 7 years, although he was in sales! He also used to say that he's the nicest guy in the world & that he did so much for others, & that's what he believed about himself! This was while robbing my mother & me of all we had. When we lie to ourselves consistently we lose the ability to perceive reality. That's also true when we put ourselves down regularly - we end up believing the falsehood. And if it's not a falsehood, we limit our ability to overcome whatever it is by perpetuating it with the put-downs. Remember, every trait can be balanced. We don't have to accept the things about ourselves that we wish to change - we can do the work, get help if needed, & find a way to achieve balance in that area.

As I said at first, most people tend to underestimate themselves. I tend to fall into that category, & "met" someone so like me just the other day. She has many interests & talents, has done many different things in the work world. Now she's trying to find her life's purpose & what to do with herself. I'm helping her because that was me until about a year ago. I've had her make a list of everything she's good at, & all her passions (a separate list). From those lists I'm going to help her identify patterns. She was telling me she's not that good at any one thing, which sounded entirely familiar. What I'm finding is that when I have a passion for something, I'm much better at it than I thought I was, & capable of so much more than I ever dreamed. Passion, will/intent make all the difference for most of us. For those of us who tend to underestimate ourselves, it's important to listen to what others think of us. We all have people in our lives who love us unconditionally & truly see us for who we are. That's not necessarily the ones who are most closely related to us. Those people tend to have their own agenda with us, know what buttons to push & do that consciously or not. So those are not the people I mean. I mean that teacher or mentor who pushes us to the edges of our comfort zones. Or the close friend who loves to talk with you or hang out with you. It can be a pastor or counselor - anyone who seems to see the best in you. I'll call them our cheerleaders. One of mine is my half-sister. We didn't grow up knowing each other, much less together, so there's no agenda or buttons. She regularly tells me how much she admires me, & is specific. I bask! I end conversations with her feeling like I can do anything & everything! And, it happens to be true. Turns out there's not much I can't accomplish if I set my mind to it. My soul-group members are like that also, one in particular. I say, "Can you believe I've been able to do..." & she tells me she saw me as able all along! Or I say, "A year ago..." & she reminds me how far I've come & how most people don't achieve that at all, much less in a year. I tend to downplay my role in my achievements & she always brings it squarely back to me & my efforts. When she does, I believe in myself that much more.

How others in our lives see us can be a very good barometer, especially if you look at the sum. Our delusions about ourselves can exist on every level. Most people don't really see themselves clearly. Many people complain about simple chores & make a big deal out of doing routine things, but see themselves as positive people. Many people in families see themselves as carrying the burden when it's actually the other way around, or fairly balanced. Families & homes can be the biggest minefields. Often there's an individual who is unhappy with him/herself & life, & casts that on someone else within the family, often a spouse. The scapegoat internalizes it & ends up with a skewed perception of self, life & everything else. I think again of my ex, who complained about doing things around the house, yet thought of himself as positive & said I wasn't. I've found I can fairly easily do all the things he used to complain about! I dreaded doing each of them, thanks to his complaints, but had to anyway now that I'm alone. Each time I've found that it's not so bad! I've found that I'm far more capable than I thought, & how much I was influenced by him & his constant negativity. I bought into his illusions about life & himself & am now getting mega doses of reality. They're all negative about him, positive about myself (the opposite of what I'd been fed & led to believe) & positive in outlook about daily life & all it entails & the future. I've come to realize that I'm not sickly & low energy, & that I'm the one who did almost all the work of every kind around the house & in our lives together. His message was that I needed him because of all he did & that I was fragile & weak. I've come to realize that it was the other way around - he needed me, & that all of it was the other way around. I carried the lion's share of every burden & allowed him to barely lift a finger in comparison. My workload is much less without him here & I end up accomplishing more each month that he'd accomplish in a year! So, I end up thinking about illusions & delusions a lot these days. A year ago I was struggling with the decision to put my husband in jail. I knew & loved his whole family for about 30 years - they were my family. I promised his mother on her deathbed to take care of him. It was a very tough decision. Some day you'll no longer hear me reference him in these blogs. I will have entirely moved past his negative messages about myself, God, others, my family, & life. I will retain the good things I learned & received & have moved beyond the harmful ones. Bear with me if you get tired of the references. I lived under siege & not as or of myself in many ways for 10 full years with him, & it ended in total destruction of life as I knew it & had been building it. I didn't see his abuse for what it was & so internalized it all for 10 years. It altered me & my perceptions, & I've had less than a year of rebuilding & healing, relearning. We're approaching a year, passing the anniversaries of when I exposed his crime to my family, decided he had to go to jail, had to seek shelter for 2 weeks & couldn't go home, took on the full burden of care for my first abuser (my mother), & the first time I confronted her with that abuse. That's a layer in my brain every day now. But before all these anniversaries pass, I'm opening my B&B! These days I'm working on final clearing, & I'm going to move past all this before the end of the year. For the first time in many years, I'm going to deck the house for Christmas, reclaim what was once my favorite time of year. You see, I'm looking at everything with fresh & wide open eyes, learning to confront the illusions every time I perceive them, & look beyond. I'm rediscovering all of myself, relearning my truths.