Labels are Damaging, Limiting, & Self-Perpetuating

We all seem to do it - label people. We find ways to describe people & that's what labeling is. "The shy one," "the quiet one," "the funny one." The labels I just mentioned seem harmless, don't they? How about labels like clever, genius, overweight & nasty. Seems like I first named complimentary, harmless ones & then hurtful ones. Think about it. Do you label people in complimentary terms or hurtful ones? How do you really know? The words complimentary & hurtful have to do with feelings you elicit in others. How do you really know what you're creating for someone else when you label them? Who gave you the right or wisdom to do that? Yea, everybody does it, but that doesn't make it a right or good thing to do. It's also a way of reducing someone to a single characteristic & categorizing them for themselves, yourself, & others! And no matter what label you've chosen, it can be harmful. It can keep us from seeing that person as the whole, beautiful person they are. Not just people - we do it with our pets too. No one is a single characteristic. No one can be put in a box/category & labeled! No one is that one-dimensional, & it's very limiting to see them that way. If nothing else, you limit your own interactions with the person or pet based on it.

Depending on your role in the life of the one being labeled, how you present the label, & how you act toward that person & the label, the label can have far reaching & terrible effects. It can be damaging, limiting, &/or self-perpetuating. This is true whether it's a "good" or "bad" label. You can damage with your label in all kinds of ways. You can skew someone's own self-image & sense of self & end up limiting his/her growth & development as a person. That then makes the label you happened to choose for the person become self-perpetuating. Or, the person rebels & goes against type to overcome the label, becoming something other than what he/she actually is. It's especially damaging to label someone to whom we're an authority figure, but that's who we most often label! Parents especially label their children & set certain expectations for them based on those labels. Spouses are the next biggest offenders.

I'm not aware of the labels placed on me by my mother as a child. I'm not sure if she didn't label me, if she just didn't put it off on me, or if it got lost in all the other dysfunction & I'm just not aware. After I asked my first husband for a divorce he labeled me as "crazy" & that hurt deeply because my mother actually has been mentally ill & undiagnosed my entire life. For someone like me back before I healed & resolved all that, the biggest fear is that it's catching, that we'll truly become crazy. Certainly growing up with that makes you feel crazy at times! It took about 16 years for me to get over that one - 16 years of suffering because he decided to lash out & punish me for getting out of a marriage that wasn't right for either of us! Remember, our spouses & children (& parents) know what buttons to push, how to hurt us more deeply than anyone else ever could. Next time you're under attack that way & it seems too close to your deepest fears, consider the source, then evaluate yourself from a position of true self-love before you accept the label. While I was living with my second husband he labeled me as low energy, fragile, weak, sickly, & high maintenance, & then did everything in his power to make the labels fit. It worked. The only exception was high maintenance. He did nothing to make that so & it was actually the label that turned out to best fit him. I was aware of reality enough to entirely realize that so I argued the label every time he put it out there, never allowed him to get away with that one. He was so over the top with demanding maintenance as his due & I've always been extremely low maintenance so that one was too ludicrous to even come near me, much less stick. The rest of those played into my fears because they described my mother, so even though I argued them & proved them wrong all the time, they became fact. I fought them, often to my detriment, but because they so played to my fears & weakness when we got together, they ruled me the whole time we were together. Times they weren't true they seemed true, & other times he so affected my energy & health that they were true. The results were frightening. I gained more weight than I've ever held before no matter how unhappy. That affected my diabetes of course. I actually got so sick that I developed an allergic reaction to him & a rare chronic disease that I still have a year later! In fact, this so very difficult to talk about & I'm barely covering the subject. My ex used the labels & messages to convince me that I needed him, despite the fact that he barely ever did anything - barely worked, helped around the house, helped me. It worked for a very long time, in part because I used to get the same messages from my mother. Both basically tried to tell me I was nothing without them. In truth, they both needed me & it was the other way around. I was the strong, healthy one, both mentally & physically.

Here are some sentences to watch out for, whether you're saying them or hearing them. "You know how you are." Or, "you know how you get." Those are never good! Now, I have to say that you can harmlessly label someone in your mind as long as you keep it to yourself & keep an open mind about the person. We do that when we're first getting to know someone, or figuring out who to associate with & who to steer clear of. I've encountered a woman with very dark energy & never even spoke to her. She was part of a group I did some things with. Now I know why I never spoke to her - her dark energy warned me away. A close friend had a very bad, draining psychic experience with her & told me about it. That confirmed my initial label or reaction to the woman. Another woman in one of my groups I would label as needy. She dominates the talk at every gathering, demands attention, is always chaotic. I've known her for nearly a year & eventually labeled her as needy, in response to what I've seen of her behavior. It tells me how to relate to her to help her navigate. It's also given me empathy for her & tolerance of her behavior. It repels me but I understand her need so I give her all I can. As I've said, we all label in one way or another. It's what we do afterwards that matters. I don't generally tell anyone of the labels in my mind nor do I put it off on them. I don't use the labels to box anyone in, or to get them to live up to my label. I do use them, meaning the awareness of defining characteristics, to help me understand the needs of the person & relate to them as they most need it. When I'm in a position to help someone with them, I will also use them in that way. Thankfully, others have done the same with me. Sometimes it's building someone up, sometimes it's CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Constructive criticism is where you point something out to someone they're already well aware of & suggest ways to cope with or change what isn't working for him/her as well as it could. It is ALWAYS done with unconditional love & no motive but to help, or it isn't really constructive. Now that I've been free of my ex for nearly a year, I've found that not only am I NOT weak, fragile, sickly, or low energy, I'm quite powerfully the opposite of all those labels. I had no idea I am so very strong, powerful, capable, & healthy. The other day a close & valued friend said she always saw this in me (which is a label). It meant the world to me & I'm so glad she shared that. I've also been the recipient of constructive criticism from those closest to me, those who would never harm me for the world. Because I know that, I always carefully listen & weigh what they say at those times. They're almost always right too, & I've greatly benefitted. This one has been very hard for me to write so I hope you followed all I had to say here & found some things of benefit to you. This is a subject too close to my heart & experience.