More Perspective

I feel led to write this & have no idea where it's going to go. I've never been a "normal" person & I'm finally (at 55) finding that there are many others out there who are similar in many ways. I spent my childhood & most of my adulthood feeling on the outside looking in at regular people & families. I used to think it was because of my family situation. I grew up with "Father Knows Best" & June Cleaver in her pearls. Donna Reed was the most radical TV version of a woman. My family wasn't like that - no father in sight, 2 women raising me. I didn't have many friends, didn't get invited to houses & no one got invited to ours. When we traveled at night by car, I'd look at the light shining through windows of houses & feel the warmth & love I imagined inside. I wanted to paint that as an adult. I also wanted to paint all the abandoned houses I saw. I used to imagine living in them undetected, the ultimate escape. Some part of me must have really believed in myself, a grain - because I imagined fending for myself at an early age. I wanted to paint those too. I used to wish I'd find out I'd been adopted, that my mother wasn't really mine. Of course, I didn't think that through - because then my beloved grandparents wouldn't have been mine either!

In high school I had some friends, especially because I was in band & by then I was really good on the clarinet. My friends were seniors when I was in 10th & 11th grade. I was always more serious & sensitive than most other kids so I only related to older, more serious & sensitive types. But I was always on the fringe, never fit in, was never like the others. When I was in grade school I experienced a vision of how God sees the world & us, & knew before being told when my favorite teacher & my paternal grandmother died. In high school I read the mind of a friend word for word, & had a vision of myself & my twin soul at the beginning of time. So there began my sense of knowing about reincarnation. Also in high school, I began to have nightly conversations with Jesus, that lasted for about 9 months I think. I got to know Him quite well during that time, including His great sense of humor & what a great Friend His is. It started with me pouring out my heartache about how other kids & my mother treated me. It progressed to Him telling me what I could learn from the experiences, & comforting me. Eventually it got to the point that we'd talk about anything & everything. I never heard an audible voice but they were definitely give-&-take conversations, with direct responses to everything I said that didn't come from within me. It was the same as any conversation with a person, minus the voice.

In my teens I used to say I had musical notes running through my veins instead of blood. Music was my life. I also figured that I should have been a teenager in the 1940s because of my love of big band jazz & the old ways of doing things. I was my grandmother's daughter rather than my mother's in all ways that mattered & she was my influence, set my tastes & interests. That's true today just as it was back then. I have a friend who's entirely developed her own style separate from her parents, & she had a great family. I am my Grandma personified, in most ways, & proud of it. I've always been extremely artistic also, more so than Grandma or anyone else in my families. However, my dad had a lot of this too. I only found that out about 8 years ago, never really knew him. Even with my closest family, except my grandparents, I felt on the outside looking in at times. I was close with my cousins, who lived near my grandparents (my mother's family, the only one I've known). Still, I was aware that I didn't belong & they did.

I sort of belonged while in band in school. Band is a clique of it's own, & I had respect because I was one of the best. I've enjoyed certain groups of people without feeling like I belonged. When I took group art classes, that was great fun socializing with the other artists. But when I joined an art association I was so repelled by the personalities & egos! About 6 years ago I took hand-spinning lessons & found a heart home with fiber people. They're more like me than most - into the old ways, close to nature & the animals. We share many interests like harvesting plants for natural dyes. But last year is when I finally found my true soul-family - Lightworkers. My soul-family lives in Pittsburgh & I fit entirely, finally. They love me, like me, respect me, miss me when I'm not there, encourage me, care & emotionally support me. They also support my business efforts. At last, a heart home! It's lovely - they understand me. I don't have to explain animal messengers, energy drops, or the things that occupy my mind & heart. Like me, they see & think of things differently than "normal" people. Our concerns are different & so are our perspectives. We think much less about where the next dollar comes from & how to get it & more about figuring out who & what we are & what we're to do next to serve others & the universe. They too care about ordering their environments for optimal energy flow, beauty & grace. Our heads are in different places than most people & it's such a pleasure to finally share that. Some of us barely live on the same earth plane as most do these days. We live in a world where we associate with fairies (I'm not quite there yet but soon), angels, & seek to know more about ourselves by uncovering our past lives. We talk telepathically with the departed or pets or wild animals, or all of the above. If you are experiencing any of this & haven't found your soul-family, I urge you to seek. Chances are you're a Lightworker & can find others in your area. There are bunches in the Pittsburgh area & some are so definitely not of my energy. I stay away from those people & welcome each one I meet of similar soul energy with open arms. If you need help finding a group, please let me know. Sometimes it takes work & patience. I hope someone gained something from this post.