Many of us were born with faulty or inadequate birth families, myself included. I grew up on the outside looking in, always needing, yearning, wanting, never belonging. My parents divorced when I was 2 & we moved from Portland, Oregon to Dayton, Ohio. We stayed in Dayton until I was 6, then moved outside of Harrisburg. I lived with my scary mother & her girlfriend, with heavy drinking & smoking, gambling & abuse. I was a possession, an extension of my mother rather than a person or a child with boundaries & needs. I was not an individual except in school. I grew up where there were 2 parents in every household, watching TV families like the Nelsons, "Leave It To Beaver," & "Father Knows Best." I didn't meet my own father until I was 13, & then he couldn't deal with me & my need & love for him. I only saw him a few times in my life. And I've never had real mother love in this lifetime.
So I got married when I was about 25 & worked on getting pregnant, creating my own family. The only true family love I'd had was my beloved maternal grandparents, who were the closest thing I had to parental love. They did their best to provide both. I also had my uncle & aunt & cousins, but I always knew they were removed family, that I didn't belong to them. I only every truly belonged to & with my grandparents. They died & left a huge gap in 1985. My daughter was born in 1981 & my son was born in 1986. I didn't achieve the family I wanted until my son was born. My daughter was very difficult to raise & my husband always made me feel very inadequate as a wife & mother, but I never knew how. He was passive/aggressive, the silent disapproval sort & I withered in family life instead of flourishing. Besides, what did I know of normalcy? I played a role of wife & mother, tried to recreate what I thought I observed from the outside. I'd spent my life looking at homes & families, golden yellow light from nighttime windows, & only imagined the peace & love within.
Outside of my grandparents, my first true family came from Mayo United Methodist Church near Annapolis, Maryland. The congregation is the best I've ever known, the truest sense of what a church should be & usually isn't. It's small & multi-generational, with families that have been there through several generations, but new-comers too. I wasn't related to any of them, but found a true family. They nurtured me & my children & I nurtured & loved them through all my single parenting years, & when my marriage was failing before that. They loved me for myself, as I was. They were my safety net, as family should be. I never went without. A few times the church paid my mortgage when times were tough. They helped out with presents for the kids, & even me, several Christmases. Once a money order came in the mail just before we were going to run out of fuel oil, for the exact amount of the minimum 150 gallons. I never did find out who sent it, but I know it was someone from church. I'm not even sure how they knew I was in need, since I hadn't said that I could recall. They had us into their homes for meals & recreation, took us to see Christmas lights. And they were always there for me - when we went to court for custody battles, when I needed parenting advice or just someone to talk to, lean on. All the things true family provides, they provided for me & us. They are still my family. When I go home to Maryland, I go to church & it's as if I never left. All the love is still there, even if all I loved are not.
My second marriage was about family too. When I was in high school, my best friend realized I had a terrible mother & home life. She took me home to her mother, who was the best mother I've ever known outside of my Grandma. She gave me to her mother & vice versa. Her mother welcomed me into the family, told me to consider their home mine, invited me to be there as often as I wanted but warned me not to get in trouble with my mother for being there too much. They made me a part of their family. They included me in family events & I became like a step-sister. I didn't quite belong but almost did, mostly felt like I did. And I idolized her oldest brother, as the rest of the family did. That's who I eventually married the second time I married. That family was a lot like my uncle & his family, & truly provided the family that I didn't have. For about 30 years I had that family there for me, although in the years I was married the first time I wasn't in contact with them much. After I got together with the older brother, the family began dying off & the marriage was bad, so now that family too is gone.
In the 90s I had a best friend & her husband & daughter, & they treated me like family too. They invited me over for Thanksgiving & Christmas when my kids were with their father. It was almost family, she was almost a sister. So when I got together with my second husband, I began creating that kind of family atmosphere for others who were alone on holidays. I always invited his best friend, without close family, for Thanksgiving & Christmas. I know how important that is & how lonely those times are without a family. It was my way of giving back.
Now I have lots of family, because of what I've created & by the grace of God. For family love I have my beloved half sister, my grown daughter & son, my daughter's husband & my son's fiance. I don't have the generation above but by now many don't due to parental deaths. Mine came in 1985 when my beloved grandparents died. My father is dead & that ended all missed opportunities for what was never going to happen between us. In many ways it's a relief, as it will be when my mother dies. She'll no longer be an entity hanging over my head, a responsibility to one who never gave me the love I needed. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful relationship with my lovely sister & my 4 children (I consider my in laws to be my children also - it's all about heart.) And I have my soul family now. I entirely fit with those I've attracted in recent years. We are like-hearted, like-minded yet diverse. Some of my many friends are soul family & many are simply treasured & valued friends. I've finally really created my own true family, with intent & action. Part of it is a willingness to create family & recognize it beyond the bonds of blood. Part of it is in the giving, & therefore receiving, & accepting others with love as they are. Part of it is the strength of my desire & the degree of gratitude I show them. You have to acknowledge & understand your own needs, & be willing to accept with your whole heart someone who is not blood as family. I give of myself as if each of them is blood family, & they give that to me in return. When you give that amount of love freely, willingly, openly, you eventually attract it in return. I have done that.
God & the angels all play a part too, a huge part. I have my soul family of angels, teachers, guides, & departed. I have an open heart & mind to all of them, speak with them every morning, & welcome them into my life every day. I put the love out there just like I do with those on earth. As a result, I am surrounded by the awareness of them. Yesterday I was gifted with an amazing visit with my beloved grandfather. He held me & I could almost feel him. I could almost see him. I clearly received his words of love, his message & presence. We had a lovely 3-5 minute visit & I cried in gratitude & love. It's not nearly the same as having him physically with me, but it was full & rich & I'm so grateful for that time. Sometimes I visit with my grandma, & one of my cats, all in the afterlife for many years now. One day Archangel Michael "appeared" to me. I didn't quite see him, but he was there & I sensed his height & wingspan. The message was how protected I am & I received it clearly. He was telling me that whenever I need him to, he can & does enfold me in his wings, hold me close & completely cover me with his wings of armor.
By heart & intent, you too can create all the family you need & want. God is the father love I needed. The Virgin Mary is the mother love. I commune with spirits & angels, & those on earth who have become the family I so needed. And I am abundantly grateful. I was just on Facebook chatting with my daughter & my son's fiance. I asked my daughter if she minded that I love the fiance like a full daughter, figuring she's secure enough in my love not to be jealous. Her reply spoke so to my heart, was a wonderful affirmation & comfort. She said, "You welcome & accept everyone as family, that's part of what I love about you." I could have saved you a lot of reading, because that's the key to how I've created family for myself. And I'm so very proud of my daughter, because she's done the very same thing. Her father & I both made many mistakes & gave her some dysfunctional, faulty love when she was a child. She's made up for it in her adult life by giving that kind of unconditional love that creates family, & has therefore gotten it in return. It doesn't always correspond directly & there's not always enough of it. True unconditional & total love is very hard to come by, but the way to get it is to give it. I have been giving it abundantly & freely here since October 2010 & that's why it's now being returned to me in abundance. We do truly reap what we sow.
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