If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to read the blog for Friday the 6th. Sandy removed the darkness from deep within me. It was caused from years of fear that built up. Who knows what all contributed or over what period of time. I was sexually abused first by the vessel that gave birth (BV for birth vessel) to me & then by my most recent ex. Twice both abusers lived with me, the 3 of us in one house, for more than a year. I've lived with my abusers for about 35 of my 56 years. The darkness had become a physical manifestation, dis-ease. As I said Friday, she removed that & I could feel it leaving me. She also bent time to remove the 2 abusers from my life, & I felt much more free as soon as she did that. I have ever since. The next day I prayed for both of them by name as I always do, then spent some time with Sandy thanking her, telling her all she'd done for me. I was uneasy saying their names in prayer but I pray by name for people I have no connection with, haven't even met so I figured it was ok. She spoke some great wisdom to me. She told me to just leave them to God. She said they made their choices. They had every opportunity to choose the Light, yet over & over they instead chose to abuse a true innocent. Just as we leave vengeance to God, she was telling me to leave any & all healing of them to God. They are no longer a part of me & I need to release all outcome, not even pray for them. I need to entirely remove myself from anything to do with them. It was a great relief to hear that. We're supposed to pray for our enemies & those who hurt us but in the case of abusers, it hurts to even pray for them! It's a reminder we don't need.
This brings me back to the subject of forgiveness. My Oregon BFF recently told me of a conversation she had with a former abuse victim (we don't have to stay in the victim role) about forgiveness. He said some things are too much to forgive entirely. That too was a relief to hear because every time I think I've entirely forgiven my recent ex, something happens in the present that is a road block he caused in the past. He's been the negative "gift that keeps on giving." That said, I'm sure these are blessings in disguise - lessons to learn or whatever. However, they seem to be keeping me down, contributing to what seems to be a downward spiral in my life, & I simply don't want to have to work within these confines any more. It isn't easy to remain grateful in all of this. And it all keeps coming to a head at once. I do believe that some things are truly unforgivable. That doesn't mean we shouldn't work toward as much forgiveness as we can. Forgiveness is for our sake. We need to forgive all we can so that we don't harbor anger. Deep seated anger turns to rage & that's so destructive, to ourselves, our relationships, & others. However, we can never truly entirely forgive all, nor can we forget, nor do I think we can totally heal. I liken deep seated emotional healing needs like an onion. It's done one layer at a time & we don't normally know what needs healed until that layer is ready to come off. Nor do we know how many layers are left. I think some things are onions too big to entirely peel in this lifetime. But back to forgiveness. I always had trouble forgiving the BV because the emotional abuses were ongoing. So there was always more to forgive. I've forgiven enough that I don't harbor hatred toward either of them, & there's no rage inside of me. Sometimes there's a very sad anger though, when another problem they created comes up. Then I deal with it. Forgiving, healing, & releasing is a process. I'm doing well with it because I face whatever arises & deal with it.
We don't need to remain victims. We can take back our power consciously. We can decide to learn & grow & change our lives. Part of that is healing & forgiving. It all works together. But taking responsibility for your life & choices, claiming your power are the biggest parts of no longer being in the victim role. It takes awareness & intent. We all did something to perpetuate our abuses while in the victim role. In my case, I made it possible for others to use or abuse me over & over again in many different ways. In fact, I played right into the hands of that second ex. One by one, time after time, I looked back & saw ways I'd done that to myself & still didn't learn. I hadn't truly claimed my power. Now I have or I am. I'm working on it. I see how I played into the hands of my abusers & I'm determined not to do that again. This is probably the hardest fight of all - breaking out of the abusive patterns that have ruled my whole life & rewriting my roles. I have to step away from the familiar ways of being & relating to others, entirely out of my comfort zone. And I have no idea what the healthy patterns feel like, look like, are like! I'm only guessing that I'm succeeding. Each time in the past when I thought I was, I was making another variation of the same mistakes. The answer isn't to not be in relationships. It's to recognize & reject what isn't healthy & learn to see & participate in only what is healthy. Setting intent here is very important.
So on Friday Sandy removed the BV & the E2 (2nd ex) from my life. Notice I say "the," not "my." There's a lot of physical & emotional healing that still needs to take place. She started the process & gave it a great jump start & I know the healing has begun, is continuing. Last night I had a wonderful jump in the emotional healing. As I was drifting off to sleep I was taken back to high school, when I first met the E2. At the end of 1999 when we first got together I didn't have memories this vivid flood back! I could see him as he looked when I was in high school. I remembered details of how sweet & kind he was to me, why I developed such a huge crush on him. I saw him & knew him all over again, before he'd started making all the dark choices in his adulthood that shaped him, before he became a con man, thief, & abuser. I've known for a long time that I wasn't really in love with the adult him & had plenty of warning signs that I completely ignored. I was in love with the guy he was when he was 21 & I was 17. It was a wonderful cleansing & release for me. I realized just why that attachment was so strong, how I was able to shut my eyes & make such a huge "mistake." Before he started making his adult choices (which I wasn't in the picture to see), he was the family's "great white hope," the golden boy like Robert Redford in "The Way We Were." In fact, I so identified with that movie that I can't watch it beyond that first time, & I always knew the E2 was the Robert Redford character. I'm not sure why remembering everything from back then was so healing, but it was. Instead of upsetting me as any thoughts or memories of him has in the past, it laid them all to rest & helped me free & forgive myself, I guess. All I know is that it made me feel happy, light & free. I felt what I felt for him back then & finally understood what the great pull was. Unfortunately, the other pull in 1999 was the abuse angle. I mistakenly thought reliving some of it under a controlled situation, with love being brought in, could be healing. Instead, I delivered myself into the hands of a selfish abuser & user, rather than into unconditional love. I'll never try to heal in that way again - it pushed me further into the darkness. The way I was fooled was that he was Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde, so the selfish abuser & user was not obvious. And it was familiar. So was the Dr. J./Mr. H. thing, as that would very well describe the BV. Anyway, the healing is continuing daily since the psychic surgery Sandy did for me on Thursday. Please read Friday's blog for full contact information if you want her services.
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