By all accounts I've mostly lived a horrible life. Not as bad as some, but worst than most. I was under loved & valued as a child, with an absentee father & mentally ill mother. I was isolated from others to mask what was going on at home, including my mother's sexual abuse of me, drinking, gambling, homosexual relationship with her live in. I was moved around the country whenever I was settling in & making a life. I endured custody battles & bad marriages. I developed diabetes before I was 40. I've had a female affliction for nearly 10 years now that never healed because I was required to have frequent & painful sex with my 2nd husband. I've lived with that physical pain daily for all these years, & the disease has morphed into something so horrible that doctors aren't even able to identify & treat the problem thus far.
I've always survived though, & more so. I consider myself to be a triumphant survivor because most with these kinds of problems kill themselves, become mentally ill, or are otherwise defeated. Instead, I've used them to learn & grow, & help others cope & heal. I've always worked on overcoming, healing, learning, growing. I've worked hard all along to change my life. My will to survive & thrive, & God's grace, has seen me through all of it. It's never been easy or comfortable, has been scary. I sort of remember some of the worst times, but blessedly, the memories of the feelings are largely gone. I can picture the scenes but as if they happened to someone else. I've retained the ability to cope & to help others but don't really remember the pain. Those of you who have given birth can probably relate well here. The discomforts of pregnancy & birth are many & last a long time but the reward is great - your baby. Eventually all the pain & suffering to get there becomes a distant memory & you decide to do it again. Like having a baby to show for it, I've gained from each thing that's happened.
I'm always working on changing my life, to get from where I am to where I want to be. I have such a strong drive toward what I want & need in my life. I have found that I don't take anything good for granted in my life. Every time I have to go without, it makes me so totally appreciate & be grateful for all I have. I am grateful for this house & the grounds, electricity, heat, food in the house, that I can function well despite my physical problems. I am grateful for all the love in my life. I don't concentrate on what I'm lacking, like romantic love & sex. It's not that I've hardly ever had it. It's that I know it's coming but I'm not ready yet. I know what I'm missing! I've had it once so I know exactly what my heart so longs for now. I had it in the 1990s. Before that I didn't know what I was missing, only that I was. Now that I know I want it all the more, & I recently opened my heart to it. The promise was there & swiftly taken away again. But instead of giving up, I've taken this as a promise & example of what is to come. I believe now more fully than I ever have. I have great gratitude for the doors he opened & the blessings, rather than being devastated that he so very briefly graced my life.
I have learned to be grateful for all that is in my life, even my long-standing physical affliction. I now know that great good will come of it. I have no idea what or how, but I am working to embrace my affliction with love & gratitude. I am coming to accept it as a part of me, rather than fearing or resisting it. It's hard for me today to say that "great good" will come of it because I'm not quite there yet. But since it's a huge affliction & has been for so long, by the laws of the universe it must have a great purpose & resolution. I am to the point that I realize that it's all good, that it all has a purpose & reason. I had hives about 2 weeks ago, & developed eczema on my feet & hands. It was a sign that although I was outwardly controlling my thoughts I needed to do inner work. These were stress reactions. Next week I'll probably post the blog I'll write on free will vs. destiny. It's waiting in the line of subjects. But I have to say that although I have free will, I understand that I contracted to do certain work in this lifetime & that all that is prepares me for this work. I daily ask to learn & grow & heal spiritually & emotionally (physically too, but that's not part of this thought), & the afflictions are a part of that.
I've come through a series of events to see & understand that "bad" things that happen in my life have a purpose. Now I look for the lesson & message in all of it, & then the problems go away in confirmation. This has allowed me to largely embrace them. Rather than resist these things, I'm learning that they're the forerunner of the changes I want to make in my life. I am purposefully & with intent learning from these things & using them to transform my life. The hives are gone & the eczema is healing. I learned to put my needs first in my life, or to at least begin to make that shift. The afflictions are a daily reminder to follow through with that. I need to change a whole lifetime pattern here & it's not happening over night. The other day the heat wouldn't come on, yet the heating system is only 18 months old. There was no earthly reason for it, I knew. I was miserable - it was 55 upstairs so probably about 45 downstairs where I was working on the computer. I did all I could to make it work & finally had to stop & be still & ask God for the message in another way. He told me to warm my cold heart & call my mother. I was trying, for my own good, to erase her from my life. The message was to quit resisting her & reach out in love & forgiveness. He used someone I just met & ended up talking with to tell me I had residual anger. It's been a lifelong struggle for me to deal with her & handle my feelings & I still have healing to do. Having the heat not come on highlighted my cold heart & brought the issue forward.
I've come to learn that in my life the really buried stuff needs to be dramatically highlighted for healing to take place, whether internal healing or healing of my actions & attitudes. These are accomplished when the "bad" things happen. For some reason it comes that way rather than just as clear messages. I get clear messages about blogs to write & answers to questions, but when it comes to these buried internals, I don't have the knowledge to ask the questions. "Bad" things also happen to bring about change in external circumstances. Like the wreck of my beloved car provided the money for my rent for 2 months. I've come to understand & accept with gratitude that all works for good in my life eventually. I'm grateful now that I understand that. So I'm grateful for all that is, whether it's something I like or not. Now I'm learning to ask for the lessons for the things I don't like so if it's in my best interest, I can quickly move on from it. As soon as I asked the question clearly, God supplied the answer about the heat loud & clear. I didn't hear His voice but I got the message. At first I got a heart message that my heart was cold so the house was, & that it was toward my mother. Then, when I directly asked God, He said, "Call your mother" into my brain. Not a voice, but totally clear. I said I would, message received, began to figure out where I had the phone number. I was outside when I received this & came in to find the number & call. And the heat was on when I walked in! As I said, I've had many confirmations that these things are for messages & learning, changing my life.
With that realization comes peace & the end of resistance. Now I know that when things occur that are not pleasant, there's a reason & I look for the reason. Instead of resisting, I'm moving into the flow. When in the flow, I am swept along rather than having to use all my energy to swim against the current just to maintain. All I have to do is recognize, work to understand & learn, & be grateful. This is my job. It keeps me in the flow, & the flow will eventually take me where I want to go in my life & work. And the more I get into the center of the flow, & stay there, the easier the journey. Monday, part 3 of 3.
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