Most men would say no & most women would say yes. The best male friend for a female is a gay male. I have 3 close male friends & one is gay, my mentor. My relationship with him is the easiest & most comfortable always. I feel at home with him, in his house, doing things with him, telling him I love him. He thrills me when he tells me he loves me. He always says it back. I'm not sure that he ever says it if I haven't, but it comes easily & naturally to his lips. We're safe with each other because there's no sexual aspect or potential for it in our relationship, no romantic potential. We're free to love each other openly. I won't try to define our relationship beyond the fact that he's my mentor & one of my closest friends. I learn from him all the time, every time we talk. He helps me think things through, gives me ideas. He's my metaphysical mentor so I'm always learning things from him that completely match my interests & passions. He brought me to Reiki & has opened the universe to me. He says he always learns from me too, but I don't know what. We help each other & it's an entirely mutual relationship. I use his car to take him to dentist appointments, make sure he's set afterwards & has what he needs, take care of him if needed. He lets me use his car for errands.
I believe I hurt my other 2 male friends when I wrote the "Never Say Never" blog. One was been doing things for me recently & I believe he was starting to think that I was developing feelings for him. A year ago I made it completely clear that it would never be & don't want to put either of us through that conversation again so I didn't mention that I have a man in my life. Besides, I don't exactly. We talk when he has the time but he's thousands of miles away, I haven't seen him in about 10 years & don't know when I will or what will happen. I don't believe this is the case, but there's always the possibility that we're just in each other's lives by email & phone right now so that we can help each other heal from certain things & move forward with our lives, separately. People come into our lives for a reason, sometimes just for a season. We all know that.
The other man has been my best male friend for about 22 years & I've known him for about 32. I tried to take the relationship further last year & found that we're in 2 different places in life, for one thing. I also found out that the spark between us wasn't big enough to overcome my fears & the damage done to me by my ex. But I haven't found a good way to tell him this. In this case, before writing that blog I should have told him. I just didn't know how.
I've always had a male or 2 as best friends. I thought that's all it was, that they felt the same about me. But none were gay & I've heard from many of them years later that they had wanted more. My ex told me there's no such thing between men & women as "just friends." There's a whole movie about that, "When Harry Met Sally." Men have told me the same thing.
Guys, something you need to know. If a woman thinks you're her best or good friend, that's all she's ever going to want from the relationship. It means you fall more into the "brother" category & there's no passion or romance & never will be. Or there isn't enough to bridge that gap between friend & boyfriend. It's nothing against you - it's taste & chemistry. There are exceptions to every rule but let's talk common reality here. Most women know it immediately or soon after. If you're in the friend category, you stay there. No amount of kindness or giving or tenderness is going to change that. You can do anything & everything for us & it's not going to create that spark. Women are so sensitive to those pheromones & such. You can be so totally turned on by ours but if we aren't with yours pretty immediately, that isn't going to change.
I feel pretty terrible about hurting these men, & I'm not even sure I have. I'm not sure that they read my blogs every day or that they read that one. This is part of why I have trouble being a receiver, am so much more comfortable as a giver. When I act as a receiver, unless it's entirely mutual like driving my mentor to the dentist & then using his car, I feel I owe that person in some way. I feel like a user if they want a relationship with me that I can't fulfill. Please don't read this as sex for dinner or something like that. I don't even want to open that can of worms.
I've had to do some real self talk because I've always had trouble with feelings of guilt if I even think I've hurt someone or used them in any way. One thing my ex taught me is that it's pretty self centered to think that someone is silent in your life for awhile because you did something wrong. He says people are thinking about themselves, going about their lives - it has nothing to do with me. He said people don't pay nearly as much attention to me as I think. And each time I think I've hurt someone & that's the reason for silence, the person has contacted me & said how busy he or she has been. My ex was right. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I'm writing this all out because many of you are like me in this.
I also have to remind myself that I'm not a user & that I'm no better or worse than anyone else. Sometimes I need to receive, but I give also. I give in some way to everyone who gives to me, even if it's simply gratitude. I don't always do everything right, like not telling that one man that there's not enough spark there. But I'm not a horrible, terrible person. I'm simply human. More on this subject tomorrow.
The final answer is yes, straight men & women can be just friends. The man has to adjust his expectations & accept that role for it to work. Each of the guys who have accepted that role were truly into me & we had/have deep & rewarding relationships. One friendship was from high school, way back in 1971. He's married & his wife is a secure woman, not jealous of our friendship. We seldom talk but when we do, it's as if time hasn't passed at all. I carry him in the deepest part of my heart, along with many others. I cry when I think of him & all we've done together, all the ways he was there for me when I deeply needed a friend. He used to come home from college almost every weekend, drive for hours to be there for me. In high school I went through another nightmare, living with my mother. He was everything to me. I'd sit on his lap & cry, & he was the father & brother love I so needed. I had no idea that he wanted more from me, or I wouldn't have been sitting on his lap! But he loves me unselfishly. We also laughed together, wrote songs together, & talked about anything & everything. There's another high school friend I seldom have contact with because his wife is as jealous of me now as she was then. It's a real shame, because these friendships can & do exist without interfering with the love between couples. We all need friends of both sexes to have rewarding, full lives.
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