Gratitude for My Home

My childhood was lonely, confusing, & full of abuse. I didn't know my father, lived with my abusive mother & her girlfriend. I was uncomfortable when "at home," never knowing what would happen next. School was my only refuge, but I had few friends. Some years I had the love of my teacher, & I always had the love of my maternal grandparents, but only saw them twice a year. My only sense of home was the house my grandparents lived in. They were my only security & consistent source of love. At 25 I got married, then had a baby, & moved to a neighborhood where I knew no one. I tried to make our house into a home but it wasn't because I'd married the wrong man for me. I didn't have a lot of friends until I was in Tupperware for awhile. Then I had abundant friends among my fellow Tupperware managers & my hostesses. Then I joined my local church & began to make friends, my kids were older & I met people through their sports & activities. The house didn't feel like a home exactly - by then I was divorced & struggling as a single parent, living in the marital home. But the neighborhood was home even if the house wasn't, & the church felt like home to the kids & me. Fellow church members were definitely family. That's when I learned about family not necessary being those you're related to, about family of the heart. I've been away from that area for 12 years now, yet every time I go home to the neighborhood & church, I enjoy the love. My daughter has a home there now, so I doubly enjoy going to visit her. It feels like coming home, even though I didn't feel home in the house where they grew up.

The few times I've had a sense of home & had lots of friends, I've left or had to leave it all. My heart's home was always & will always be in Dayton, Ohio & the area. That's where my beloved grandparents lived most of their lives. My heart will always yearn for their house. I went there when the house was for sale again in 1999 & found the ghost of myself as a little girl there. It was amazing! I can't begin to describe it to you. I could feel Grandma, Grandpa, & me still within those rooms, especially in my room. I also feel home when I visit my daughter - the neighborhood & the church, although no specific house.

I tell you all this to tell you how important "home" is to me. I grew up without enough love, with barely enough to keep me alive. I grew up without a home, without any sense of safety or wellbeing. So these things mean everything to me. My heart is in Dayton, & in that neighborhood in Maryland. But now it's in a 3rd place too, because I finally have a true home. My heart is again overflowing today as I look around my home, & it's finally the place where I dwell. Every other place I've lived has been tainted by lack of love & usually lack of safety due to the other inhabitants. This place is mine alone. When I moved here I brought with me only my own treasured belongings, chosen by me. I brought the peace & serenity, my grace with me. I brought my family of cats. And I moved to an area where I have many friends already. The atmosphere of my home entirely reflects me & no one else. I'm not imposed upon by having to accommodate another in conflict with me & my needs, for the first time ever. I have the furniture of my beloved grandparents filling the rooms I live in upstairs, my paintings & knick knacks that are beloved & collected over time. The rooms are furnished & decorated to my taste & give me a sense of warmth & comfort, wellbeing. Nothing bad happens to me within this home because there's no one here to harm me, disrespect or under love me. Yes, there's always danger from without but we all live with that to various degrees. That's not what I'm talking about. In the past, some kind of harm always came to me on a regular basis from those who dwelled within the house. I am so grateful to no longer have to live that way.

The house itself enfolds me, as does the yard. My landlord made a perfect home here, when she herself needed healing. The yard is full of flowers, plants, serenity, joy, & beauty. She understood & created "home," & rented to me because she understood my need for it. It's a very old house but she put a lot of work into the indoors too. The result is a perfect fit. Our needs & tastes are harmonious, & I'm so totally grateful to be here. I've made it my own inside, as she urged me to do. She also urges me to make the outside my own, but understands that I'll do what she did the first year here. I'll be slow to make changes, getting a feel for the land & the beauty she already created here. I'll watch throughout the spring & summer to see what grows where, the shades of summer, & absorb the knowledge of this place. I'll do small things to create the rest of what I want outside here, then do more next year. There's no rush. Lord willing, I plan to stay here for many years. This is my home. Everyone who comes here feels it - the peace, grace, atmosphere, & beauty. They feel the coziness & warmth, the love & acceptance. The house & yard exude it. Some of it is me, some the angels, some God, some the cats, some the place itself. It is a place of healing, rest, & love, for me, the cats, & others. My heart finally has a home in which to dwell. Tomorrow, my gratitude for the friendships & love in my life.