This is a topic most people need, & I could write numerous blogs on the subject. I'll try to do it justice here, for now. Many people don't know much about rage & the origins, or even realize that they have trapped rage inside. Mine used to emerge with my kids when they were little, because I didn't know it was there & the source was my childhood. It colored all my dealings with authority figures because I didn't know how to stand up for myself & therefore was often bullied. Back then, it was usually creditors. I had money & credit, managed my finances well until I married the first time. My husband wasn't an effective breadwinner while with me & before I knew that, I'd quit working to raise our first child, hence creditor calls. Anyway, rage comes from feelings of helplessness, of being defenseless against abuse. It usually comes from deep hurts from those closest to us. It also comes from anger that is repressed over a long period. And if we don't appropriately express our anger to the one who causes it or find a way to work it out, it's disastrous. The first results of repressing anger are things like deep depressions, stomach aches, headaches, neck or back aches, & finally, suicidal feelings, loss of sense of self-worth. Over time rage develops & when it emerges it can destroy pieces of those you love or cause you to act out in dangerous or outrageous ways. Think about that word - outrageous - & look at what word sits right in the middle of it!
One way to get rid of the rage inside is to confront the cause, whatever it is. First, you have to see that it exists within you & find the cause. Then you have to deal with the cause. I didn't feel that I could confront my abuser when I discovered my rage so I cut off most contact with her. I got counseling, & that helped a lot. I forgave myself & worked on forgiving my abuser. I surrounded myself with individuals who gave me unconditional love, & whenever my hurt feelings emerged, I'd remind myself of my worth as confirmed by their love. I journaled & worked through my experiences & feelings for many years, & still do when needed. It's a great tool. You can express anything in your journal & it's safe. I also had a friend I let in the whole way, & could express anything to her too. She gave me the kind of feedback & love, validation I needed. She mothered me as my own had not. Healing from things that cause rage is a whole subject unto itself so I'll stop here. Now let's work on dealing with anger before it becomes rage.
Anger is not a bad emotion & all people feel it. It's what we do with it that can be harmful. The best way to handle anger is head-on. It's best handled as soon as possible once you can address it calmly. The heat of the moment always causes reactions instead of actions, so it's not effective & can cause further anger, can cause harm. I used to be have to confront immediately & get it out - anger or hurt, so that I wasn't left to stew or hurt an indefinite period of time. I had to be in control, yet wasn't. We truly aren't in control while in the middle of hot anger. As I said, reacting vs. acting. In my second marriage I had to learn to go away, handle my own feelings, & bide my time. It wasn't safe or effective to confront my husband. In fact, I had to wait for him to approach me, sometimes weeks later. That was a hard lesson, but I learned absolute patience, & it's serving me well. Now when I get angry I take care of myself first. I pray & call in the angels, give it to God. I quickly feel better because I've gotten a lot of practice in giving it to God in the last year plus. I trust that He'll help, as will the angels (I don't care who handles what, so give it to God & ask the angels for help also, then thank "whoever helped"). This is where the "I Am" statements & the angel work I keep telling you about comes in to help in everything in your life. When I worked outside of the home, I never would have taken the 15 minutes to start my day that way. I got up just in time to get ready & out the door. What a mistake! Doing this sets the tone for my entire day each & every day & has made all the difference. It's so very simple & anyone can do it & therefore transform their lives!
Once I've calmed down entirely, I stand up for myself. Very few people anger me these days. In fact, there was one last month & one so far this month. Last month, my former landlord made a nasty comment in front of someone else, then left me an insulting note. Yesterday someone left me a nasty & threatening phone message about my mother's bill at the skilled nursing facility. Of course, I'd been nothing but honest, cooperative, & nice toward these people prior to the incidents, so the way I was treated was unwarranted & therefore angered me. I don't treat people that way so I don't accept that kind of treatment either. It's very important for me to stand up for myself, since I've had trouble with boundaries, authority figures, & rage. I'm especially proud of how I handled the phone call from the care home, but first I'll tell you about handling the landlord. I must have been a southern belle in a previous life because I called him up & told him off in such a syrupy sweet way that he didn't realize that's what I was doing. His nasty note came while my lease was still in effect & I was moving things out of the house. With all the rain we had last month, we'd been tracking in leaves & mud, which of course I planned to clean up only after we'd finished moving & tracking, when the house was empty. I said he must have missed seeing all the cleaning supplies around & that of course I planned to clean up only after emptying the house. I also told him he didn't realize who he was dealing with, that I always aim to leave any place I am better than I found it. I then told him I cleaned years of built up grease & grime out of his stove, which I'd never used - that it was a fire hazard I'd saved him from. I did such a good job of countering the nasty things he said in a sweet way that at the end he was talking about what a great tenant I'd been. It really amused me, & I have no hard feelings or anger left. With the other, I called & left a message telling her that the message she left me was very unprofessional. I told her I'd been nothing but honest & cooperative & that I'm actually under no obligation to handle my mother's affairs but have been doing it as a courtesy. I told her if she wanted my continued cooperation, she shouldn't leave me further messages in the tone of the last one. Lastly I told her I won't tolerate being treated that way. This time I was very direct & firm. I wasn't nasty, but I definitely stood up for myself & established the boundaries clearly. I didn't need to do that with the landlord, since I knew it was probably my final dealing with him. The other is ongoing, so I needed to be firm & direct. Again, that allowed me to let go of the anger - taking direct action to stop further harassment. I did good, as I like to say (in an uncharacteristic lack of good grammar). I'm proud of myself, instead of angry.
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